Permanence
She'd been lucky that her new CO was an understanding one. And she'd been lucky that her new post, the SSV Moscow had been close enough to Earth to make it an easy trip. But Ashley wasn't feeling very lucky today. For the past six months she'd worked obsessively and efficiently, throwing herself into her new assignment aboard the Alliance cruiser enough to create distraction. She'd even gotten a promotion out of it.
He would have been proud of her.
Six days ago had come the bombshell that she'd been quietly dreading. She and the rest of the Normandy's former Alliance crew had received an official email from Command with the news that Commander Shepard's status had officially been changed from Missing in Action to Killed in Action. The impersonal message had informed them of a small official Alliance memorial that had been planned, should they like to attend.
Ashley had absentmindedly forwarded the information on to Garrus, Liara, and Tali but she had no idea if they'd gotten it. She hadn't spoken to any of them since that final day on the Citadel, and she didn't even know where Wrex was or how to contact him. She'd emailed Liara once or twice in the previous months to see how she was getting on, but got nothing back.
As she buttoned up the top button on her dress uniform and made sure it was sharp and presentable, she wondered if she might see any of the other crew there. She hadn't spoken to any of them either, though it wasn't because they hadn't reached out. Joker had sent her a vague, possibly drunk hello message a few months earlier, but she hadn't responded. Ashley was determined to leave the past in the past, but it seemed it was destined to haunt her today.
The door opened to the large, sunlit reception space that had been reserved at Alliance H.Q. There was a shallow sea of blue uniforms milling around, having conversation, and plucking hors d'oeuvres off of the small, elegant buffet table. People sure loved to eat when someone died.
Ashley headed straight over to the appropriately somber looking bartender. He nodded to acknowledge her.
"I'll just have some wine." She wanted something much stronger.
"Chief Williams."
Ashley smiled as she turned to greet the familiar voice of Dr. Chakwas, standing nearby in her own dress uniform and holding a glass of red wine.
"Dr. Chakwas. How are you?"
"I'd be better if we were meeting under different circumstances, but it is good to see you."
"You too." Ashley looked around, noting the chairs facing a sleek podium at the front of the room. Next to that was a static holo-image of Shepard's military photo. Her stomach turned when she locked eyes with it.
"It still doesn't seem real does it?" Chakwas seemed to have noticed the picture at the same moment.
"No. It doesn't. I tried to prepare myself for this, but…"
"Somehow K.I.A. seems far more permanent than M.I.A..."
Ashley nodded. That was it exactly. John Shepard was dead, and Ashley had known that from the moment the last emergency pod had landed without him inside. But somehow, somewhere deep within the most wounded corners of her heart a dim flicker of hope had refused to be snuffed out. Until now. She sipped her wine.
"Is anyone else here?"
Chakwas shook her head. "No. My guess is that most couldn't take the leave so soon after reassignment. But I'm glad you got away."
"I really wanted to be here. And Commander Rickert is a very understanding woman." Ashley had come to like her new commanding officer, and had a great respect for the way she worked. It was clean, quick, by the book, and routine.
"I don't know her," Chakwas said. "But I've heard good things. So how are you doing?"
She took a deep breath. "Getting by. The Moscow's a good ship, good crew, and we do good work. It's different. We're not an unhinged SpecTRe vessel out to save the galaxy from impending doom, but…"
"You sound bored."
They both smiled.
"Maybe I am a little."
"Me too."
Both women paused to sip their wine and glance around the room. Ashley recognized a few of the higher ups, and there were others she didn't know. Anderson was there, chatting with a few people. Ashley was glad to see him. It was good that Shepard had real friends there. It was obvious from the email and the attendees that this wasn't any kind of personal memorial. No, this was the Alliance's obligation, their small, inadequate recognition of Commander Shepard's service. It wasn't enough in her eyes. He deserved more. She wondered what kind of personal service his family might have for him or if they already had.
As if signaled by some silent whistle, the small crowd of maybe fifty people made their way to the chairs as Admiral Hackett approached the podium. Ashley and Chakwas followed suit and sat together near the front.
"Good afternoon," Hackett's voice cut through the room. "I'm Admiral Steven Hackett and I'd like to thank you all for coming. As you're all well aware we are here today to give recognition to the exemplary service of Commander John Alan Shepard who was killed in action several months ago. There are many of you here who were present during much of his career. Some of you knew him early on and watched a promising young recruit excel in his field and climb the ranks quickly. Others knew him later, and some even served alongside him. None of us will soon forget the heroism of him and his crew during the Battle of the Citadel and the dangerous months that preceded it. I came to know Commander Shepard during this time through the lens of operational tactics. I gave orders. He followed them...usually."
The crowd gave a polite chuckle, but Ashley could only manage a faint smile.
"Commander Shepard was not only a soldier of unmatched military integrity, but he was also willing to stretch the boundaries of his command. I couldn't have imagined a better candidate for the first human SpecTRe."
Hackett continued, touching on Shepard's early military career highlights and as Ashley scanned the room she caught and locked eyes with Captain Anderson. They each gave a nod. And then it was his turn to speak. When he stood at the podium he paused a moment, looked down and then began.
"There are many professional accolades I could give to Commander Shepard, lots of praise for his service, his accomplishments, and his record. I could tell you how I had my eye on him from early on in his career and that it was a great day when he decided to accept his position on the Normandy. But you already know all of that. When I met Shepard the first thing that struck me was his tremendous presence. He seemed born to lead, and considering who his parents are... well maybe he was."
Anderson gestured to an older blonde woman sitting in the front row. who smiled faintly and nodded in response. Her uniform was impeccable, her face unlined and statuesque, and her hair swept up in an elegant professional bun. Shepard's mother. Ashley felt her heart beat just a little faster as she observed her. She sat straight, ankles crossed, hands in her lap, expression stoic. She was the picture of military perfection. Shepard's father didn't appear to be with her.
Anderson continued. "Shepard was the kind of man who created solutions where there were none, and while he certainly respected authority, he had no trouble expressing his disagreement with much of it. He ruffled the feathers of some of those at the top, but I have to say I really liked that about him."
Anderson took a deep breath and nodded. "A few months ago, the Alliance lost their best soldier, the galaxy lost its biggest hero, and I lost a man I'm proud to have called my friend." He gestured toward Shepard's mother. "And now we'll close with a few words from Commander Shepard's mother, Captain Hannah Shepard."
Hannah Shepard smiled at Anderson as she passed him and stood tall at the podium. She had confident posture and it struck Ashley just how much Shepard had resembled his mother. They had the same piercing blue eyes and though her face was soft and pretty she had the same stern, serious look to it that he had. Ashley wanted to walk up to her, tell her how much her son had meant to her, how she'd known him so well, how she'd loved his dry sense of humor. But she knew she wouldn't. She couldn't.
"Thank you all again for making the time to be here today." Her voice was a slightly lower register than Ashley would have guessed to look at her, and it carried an imposing sense of authority. So that's where he got it. "I know that John would have appreciated this. Captain Anderson mentioned that my son had been born to be a leader, and I have to say I agree with that. He was born here in Vancouver at Alliance General, spent the majority of his years on whatever vessel or posting in which his father and I were stationed. He was educated by the Alliance and grew up appreciating its values and it seemed only natural that on his 18th birthday he would join up."
She seemed to get emotional for just a split second, but then quickly composed herself and cleared her throat. "I can't remember a time when he didn't want to join the Alliance, but I think his father and I hoped he would sign on as an engineer or a medic or a strategist. When he joined infantry, naturally we were worried about him and asked why he chose that path." She chuckled softly. "He said 'you know, Mom someone's gotta do it. It might as well be me.' We probably could have found him a good comfortable position somewhere but he didn't want that. He wanted to take his hard knocks, learn his lessons, and make his sacrifices so that others wouldn't have to."
She took a shaky breath before speaking again. "I'm proud of him. And I miss him. And it's a testament to the kind of man he became that I'm certainly not the only one. Thank you again for organizing this. John's father Paul wasn't able to make it here today, but I know he's grateful as well."
Admiral Hackett had just a few closing words and Ashley fought the urge to jump up and tell the room how amazing Shepard really was. She felt like she should add something, that she should make them see how right he was, how smart he was, how wrong they were, and how much his crew respected him. But she resisted the urge and filed politely back to the reception area with the others. She gave his holo image one last glance before turning from it.
She needed to get out of there.
Anderson approached both her and Chakwas at the back of the room. He was accompanied by Hannah Shepard.
"Williams, Dr. Chakwas. I'm glad both of you could make it today."
Ashley smiled. "I'm sure more of the crew wanted to be here."
Anderson gestured to her. "Captain Shepard I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Karin Chakwas and Operations Chief Ashley Williams. They both served on the Normandy with the Commander."
She extended her hand to Chakwas, and then to Ashley.
"It's nice to meet both of you."
"Ma'am." Ashley smiled and shook her hand firmly.
"John didn't talk much about his work with me, and even less so since his classified assignment on the Normandy, but he did mention both of you and had nothing but good things to say."
Ashley wondered what he could have told her about her. She thought it unlikely that he'd mention anything more than professional observations, but Ashley still felt very suddenly like a teenage girl who had just met her boyfriend's mom.
"I had a great deal of respect and even affection for your son, Captain Shepard. Everyone on that ship knew the kind of man he was."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"Ma'am," Ashley took a deep breath. "I fought next to him on nearly every ground mission, followed him into hell over and over and I don't regret it for one second. I'd do it all again. He was an amazing commander but also a true friend. I'm very sorry for your loss."
Hannah looked into her eyes softly for just a second or two and then nodded.
"Thank you, Chief Williams. I'm sorry for yours."
Ashley's bones were starting to want to make a break for the door. She couldn't bear to look at this woman's familiar face any longer.
"Williams, can I speak to you for a moment?" Ashley shoulders relaxed when she heard Anderson ask.
"Yes sir."
"Excuse us," Anderson said and motioned for Ashley to move away from the group a few feet. "I wanted to give you an update on where we stand with the Council."
Ashley's eyes widened. "They've said something? They've read our report finally?"
"Oh they've read it," Anderson rolled his eyes. "They've read it and re-read it and still refuse to move on this 'Reaper hysteria' as they're calling it."
Ashley could feel the anger rising in her cheeks. "Sir, we worked so hard on that report, gathered every bit of intel we could. For God sake there are still chunks of Sovereign sitting in the flowerbeds on the Citadel." She was whispering, but knew it was louder than she wanted it to be.
"I know that," Anderson put his hand up to calm her. "The Alliance won't move on any of it without the cooperation of the Council and the Council won't move because they're stubborn as all hell. I hate politics."
Ashley thought that was ironic, given his current candidacy for a seat on the Council.
"What about the ship that attacked the Normandy. If that wasn't geth then what was it? Won't they listen to you?"
Anderson sighed long and shook his head. "That's an even more complicated story for another time. But I'll keep at it. I promise."
Ashley nodded. "I know you're doing all you can. You'll let me know if there's anything I can do, sir."
"I will. In the meanwhile I'm glad to hear you're getting settled under Rickert. I knew that it would be a good fit." Ashley knew that without Anderson's recommendation for her the Alliance would have shipped her off to some other groundside hovel. She was immensely grateful for her post under Rickert, a position that many would have wanted. "She mentioned you keep to yourself quite a bit. I didn't think that sounded like you."
Ashley shrugged. "No one there is any good at Skyllian Five Poker."
They both smiled. Ashley knew Anderson was trying to help, but the truth was she didn't really want to make any new friends yet. Eventually she would have to, but she couldn't stand the thought of getting close to another crew right away when so many she called friends recently had either perished fighting geth, Saren, or worse.
Anderson looked around the room, let out a long, exhausted sounding sigh and tossed back the last small gulp of his scotch.
"I hate these kinds of things. I'm going to get out of here."
"I'm right behind you, sir."
He nodded. "It's good to see you, Williams."
"You too."
The Captain headed off to make his goodbyes, and Ashley did the same, going through the generic motions of proper military manners and gestures. This was the one kind of thing that made her glad she wasn't an officer and was able to avoid these types of events more often than not. Once a grunt, always a grunt, she thought. She knew Shepard had felt the same way. He would have hated this.
She wasn't returning to the Moscow until the next evening, so when she got back to her hotel room, Ashley decided to get blind drunk. She'd avoided booze for the most part in the last few months, a combination of staying busy and being determined not to wallow in self-pity. But tonight she didn't care. Tonight she would feel damn sorry for herself as much as she wanted.
"Screw it," she said as she ignored the glass altogether and sucked on the end of her bourbon bottle. The brown liquid burned her throat and stomach and offered an immediate relief from the stress of the day.
She headed to the balcony and stared out at the water. The last time she'd been in a hotel in Vancouver was just a few months ago and she'd been with Shepard. I'm not going anywhere. His words had lingered in her mind over and over since then.
"Liar," she murmured, taking another swig.
Ashley had gone through many emotions since the destruction of The Normandy, including anger. She was angry at the geth, she was angry at whatever attacked them, she was angry with Joker, she was angry with herself for leaving him.
Eventually, though she had come to be angry with Shepard. He'd stayed. He'd died. He wouldn't leave a man behind and he died for it. And he'd left with that damn casual phrase that she couldn't get out of her head.
I'm not going anywhere.
He'd left her. He'd destroyed her. And it had been a struggle move on.
She took another long drag from the neck of her bottle and it burned enough to make her eyes water. It would be a long night.
"Damn it, Shepard. God damn it…"