Messing With Snapey
**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry or Ron or Hermione, but God do I wish I owned Severus!!! Um...there's a lot of ways to mess with Snape. Just to warn you. Yeah, that's my disclaimer.
***WARNING: No refunds if you wet your pants while reading (I have no money)
So, here are 200 ways to mess with my man Severus:
at him during class (a McGonagall joke)
smileys all over the back of your homework
3. Steal his clothes while he's in the shower
4. Hug him and say "I've always loved you, Daddy."
5. Call him 'Love Muffin' in class and wink at him
your friends that Snape has a ginormous dingdong
7. Wash your hair in class
8. Cough when he passes by
9. Pass out when he calls you by your full name
10. Offer to buy him cologne the next time you go off campus
11. Tell him that you've always loved his dark side
12. Act like you have an invisible pet rabbit and stroke it in class
13. Chant repetitively 'Snape is my lover' during class
14. Buy him pink drinks while you're in Hogsmede on leave
15. Scream 'Dumbledore is gay!' at the top of your lungs, then walk up behind Snape and say 'with you' in a whisper, then run away laughing
16. Giggle uncontrollably during lessons
17. Stare at him while you eat lunch with your mouth slightly open
18. Eat a carrot in class and throw whatevers left into his personal trash can
19. Subscribe to an American car magazine in Snape's name
20. Call Snape 'Mummy' when you have to get his attention in class
21. Send him love notes as Howlers
22. Carve his and your initials into your hand during detention with Umbridge
23. Set up a date between Severus and Umbridge and tape it and put it on YouTube
24. Each crunchy breakfast cereal during an exam
25. Levitate a rose to Snape during class while whispering 'I Love You'
26. Hum the children's song 'Bingo' during class and get your friends to do it with you
27. Make moaning noises in front of his office door, then act like you were doing it for him
28. Write him super sexy love letters that describe how good Snape is in bed
29. Fill a piece of paper with 'I Love Severus Snape' then send it to him in the name of James Potter
30. Tell Snape that Lupin is much cooler than him
31. Set up a date between Sirius and Snape, then film it for an international dating show
32. Purchase child pornography of Indian boys using Snape's personal lap top, then scream 'No! Don't take my love!' when they arrest him
33. Wander around Snape's room aimlessly while mumbling love sonnets by William Shakespeare
34. Reenact scenes from 'Romeo and Juliet' using the names Severus and Lily
35. Perform a love monologue before class then cry uncontrollably when Snape makes you stop
36. Draw bunnies and rainbows on his chalkboard and blame it on Malfoy
37. Tell Snape that Neville wants to touch his anaconda
38. Tell Snape that you know what Hermione did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate her touching him there
39. Tell Snape that you know what Ginny did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate her touching him there
40. Tell Snape that you know what Harry did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching him there
41. Tell Snape that you know what Ron did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching him there
42. Set up a date between Snape and the Divination teacher, then film it for an international dating show
43. Buy Snape a cute little puppy and name it Lily Bear and make him love it forever
44. Draw a picture of a penis on the blackboard and label it as Lily's
45. Draw a picture of a vagina on the blackboard and label it as Dumbledore's
46. Make croaking noises whenever Snape goes to the bathroom during class
47. Burst out of your seat in class and yell 'Severus, quit molesting my mind!'
48. Ask Snape if he thinks it's cool that you touched him there, then ask if you can do it again
49. Ask Snape why he thinks that self-molestation shouldn't be against the law
50. Tell Snape that you know what he did to himself last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching himself there
51. Invite Snape to your birthday party and make him wear a Little Bo Peep dress with pink ribbons and white lace, then take a picture and put it into The Daily Prophet
52. Tell Snape that you know what Voldemort did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching him there
53. Ask Snape if his nose was a recent creation or if he was going for the Michael Jackson look
54. Act like you have Tourretts Syndrome and dump your plate of soup onto Snape's freshly-written lesson plans, then cackle uncontrollably
55. Squeeze Snape's ass while he walks by you in class
whistle at Snape in the hallway
up as Snape on Tacky Day
Snape that you know what Tonks did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate her touching him there
Snape if his snake is as smooth as yours
Snape that those pictures of him in a dress look great on your MySpace page
Snape questions that there are no answers to, then ask him why he looks so perplexed
industrial-strength laxatives in Snape's morning tea, then put 'out of order' signs on all of the school's bathrooms
Snape to stop copying Filch's hair style then hand him a mirror (for this to work, you have to shave most of his head the night before)
Snape if Dumbledore tastes like chicken
Snape if he can rev your motor again, then gyrate on his leg
Snape that he would be a millionaire if he sold his products into the oil industry, then run away
Snape why he likes placing rat poo in his tea (for this to work, you have to put rat poo into his sugar bowl)
Christmas carols on Snape's birthday and give him a present of toothpaste and shampoo
crabs in Snape's dress and announce to God and everybody that he has crabs, then laugh about it and try to high-five him for "getting laid"
male-on-male porn in Snape's lesson plans when he gives them to Dumbledore for review, then watch Snape get expensive presents from him
Snape a mix CD with sixties' love music and instrumental ballads from the 1800's
to clean Snape's erasers, then bring in a dirty rag and start trying to wash him
Snape if he wants to borrow your rubber duckies for his yearly bath
Snape that the chocolate you gave him came from deep within your soul, then help him hold his hair as he throws up your poo
Snape what that thing is on his face, then laugh and walk away (it was just his face!)
Snape some gum, then pull out what you want and hand him the rest of the pack
Snape you have a special gift for him then give him a special boxed set of the Twilight books. The massive explosion following the gift-giving should tell you how this went
Snape you have a special gift for him then give him a mouth kiss in the middle of the Great Hall
to a children's learning magazine in Severus's name then report him to Social Services
Snape if Voldemort tastes like chicken
Snape that you know what Fred did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching him there
Snape that you know what George did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching him there
Snape that you know what Minerva did to him last night and that you didn't appreciate him touching him there
Snape that you know what Luna did to him last night and that you're sorry
Snape that Elvis is really and truly dead
Severus if you can borrow some of his gel, then run away
any time Snape sneezes (for this to work, it must happen commonly, so...give him a cold first)
him that Harry Potter gave him his cold, then watch Snape chase him up the main hallway
itching powder into Snape's robes on inspection day
Snape that he was always easy, then pet his leg lovingly (he'll probably kill you for this)
Snape if he has a vibrator you can borrow
Snape a goldfish for Christmas (for this to work, carve the name 'Lily' in the bottom and make sure the fish is dead)
Snape a sweater for Christmas
Snape a cat for Christmas, preferably a large, fluffy, white cat with a pink collar
Snape that you'd do him, that he was fuckable, and that James is hotter than him (all three will infuriate the man)
Snape around asking him if he's still a virgin
Snape around asking him if he's still an anal virgin
Snape around period
in Snape's presence
Snape's around, make sure you snort when you laugh
a Lily look alike to walk around Hogwarts on a class reunion date (for this to really, truly piss him off, make the look alike a man)
a whoopee cushion in his chair inside of the chair itself so that he can't find it
romance novels in class and sob uncontrollably when he takes them away, then yell 'you only want what she's having!'
Snape if he wants fries with that ding dong he's having (for this to work, he has to be in Dumbledore's presence)
a children's DVD box set and play the sound through magical speakers wired to explode through the walls of his room (for best results, use a children's musical where they sing nonsense for an hour)
love songs while Snape's in the shower and stare at him while you sing them as loud as you can
'I Only Have Eyes for you' whenever you see him, then sigh like you're in love every time he comes near you
an all-male orgy in his office (for best results, everyone must be naked)
everything Snape owns for an exact copy, but make it pink
a farting potion in his morning tea
Snape that he really does look like Hagrid
Snape that you know what he did to Hagrid last night and that you're sorry for setting it up like that
'Jaws' music any time Snape walks past you in the hallway
any time Snape makes a sudden motion (for this to work, he must be near you and the cry must be out of fear, not hysteria)
in a personalized sewing machine for Snape
Snape an ant farm. When he asked where the ants are, point to his bed (he'll flip, guaranteed
if Snape really likes molesting little girls then ask if you count as one (this only works if you're a girl...or Harry Potter)
if Snape really likes molesting little boys then ask if you count as one (this only works if you're a boy...or Luna, since Snape doesn't like Luna)
him that he's your father and that you're sad because "he's smokin'"
him that he's your father, then drop your pants to reveal your 'Snape and me' tattoo (do it on the back, not the front you perverts)
him in the middle of the night
his bathrobe to be invisible and send him an "urgent" message in a situation where he'd have to wear it through a completely packed Great Hall, then get all the girls to cat whistle and cheer him on
all your female friends to speak to him in French, then laugh when Snape looks confused
him think he's gone deaf (this intricate plan has the possibility to become the greatest prank EVER pulled on any teacher in the history of Hogwarts)
a 'meet the animals' talk show from his dungeon, making sure that the animals are kept in his room when they aren't filming
Snape if a house ever fell on his sister
Snape if a house ever fell on his mother
Snape if a house ever fell on him (if he says no, yell 'DAMN IT!!' and run away angry)
opera music during his planning periods and make sure it's extra loud
his house and put a cell phone tower in place of it (does he even have a house?)
Snape that you love his hair like that, but his eye makeup is unbecoming
Snape if a monkey ever threw shit at him (for this to be perfect, charm your best friend into a monkey and get them to chase Snape around the school throwing shit at him. It'll be priceless, particularly if you do it while the Weasley twins are still in school)
Snape that your address and his address are close together and that you're totally cool with the idea of spending the night in his neverland
Snape that you know where he lives and that his carpet is amazing
a man who looks like a priest to go around throwing water on him (for this to be priceless, get him to yell 'How come the power of Christ isn't compelling you?')
Snape up like a baby while he's unconscious (hitting him over the head with a broom stick would get him unconscious)
Snape's potion cabinet with marbles made of lead
the entire school but forget to put Snape's room back when you make it back to normal (then go 'what? A dungeon? phfew! I thought I missed something!')
Snape up like a clown while he's unconscious (then run because that would be pretty scary)
McDonald's to turn Snape's classroom into a playground (make the ball pit where his bed used to be;)
scream hysterically during class
Snape's chair to roll out from under him during dinner (get this bad boy on tape!)
Snape's desk to explode during class (make sure you tell your classmates to move at a signal. Don't kill anyone)
Potter Puppet Pals in Snape's office, then act like it's no big deal that you're there at three in the morning and that you're doing it on his chest
Snape's chest hair with duct tape while tweezing his toes (hope you find someone who isn't squeamish to do the job)
kudzu in Snape's room before summer break and charm it to grow really fast
Snape's floor with pretty, smelly goody flowers
Snape's office rainbow
a horny little dog to hump Snape's leg during class
a horny huge dog to hump Snape's leg during class
Fluffy to hump Snape's leg during class
Plant weed in his room then call in Dumbledore for the take down
Ask Severus how well he knows Jack Daniels and if he can offer you a special meeting with him
Sing 'I'll be there for you' by Bon Jovi until Snape tries to kill you
Hire Metallica to play a gig in Snape's dungeon and pay them extra to trash the place
Charter sections of Snape's room for storage among the craziest, most psychotic people you know
Place a fish tank in Snape's classroom and put pretty fish in it (for best results, make the fish tank as big as possible and make the tank play circus music)
Place a charm that makes everyone look like a clown to Snape, then watch him go crazy
Have a beach party in Snape's classroom using real sand (and don't bother cleaning it up)
Hire Miley Cyrus's stalker to stalk Snape
Hire Michael Jackson's corpse to stalk Snape
Hire any other psychotic freak to stalk Snape (I'm available at 555-YEAH or 555-9324)
Put a thousand rabid frogs in Snape's classroom
Put a large box in Snape's office. On the box write 'open immediately'. Inside, place the note 'leave here for six weeks'. The box must be filled with thousands of venomous spider eggs. Hidden cameras provide best results.
Have Snape committed to a state psychiatric ward
Have Snape abducted by "aliens"
Have Snape abducted by circus freaks
Give Snape Fluffy as a pet
Give Snape a pretty poodle and dye it pink
Turn Snape's dungeon into a hockey rink (for best results, don't make it obvious to him. Watching him slip around is the best part)
Give Snape a picture you drew of him standing with a bunch of penguins in Antarctica
Make a nude sculpture of Dumbledore and give it to Snape
Make a nude sculpture of Harry and give it to Snape
Make a nude sculpture of Snape and put graffiti all over it (for best results, do all three, but display the ones of Dumbledore and Harry in the Great Hall and leave his outside for the birds to shit on)
Hire munchkins to dance around Snape's room (for best results, drug him)
Hire the Wicked Witch of the West and the Wicked Witch of the East to "visit" Snape during meals, then charm a house to fall on the three of them
Hire an annoying little girl to follow Snape around school yelling 'DADDY! QUIT RUNNING AWAY FROM ME, DADDY!'
Hire an annoying little girl and make he sit in Snape's potion closet yelling 'Don't touch me there, Professor Snape. You cannot touch my no-no square. Stop it! Stop it! You don't belong in there!' (this is by far my favorite. I'll be the girl if there are no takers:)
Get a group of nuns to abduct Snape from the Great Hall during lunch (if you notice, he could pull off being a nun from the back…)
Paint Snape's room a bright pink then charm the paint to never come off
Turn Snape's bedroom into a pink princess room and charm the room to make it stay that way forever
Start a zoo in Snape's classroom, and get the smelliest animals and the ones that poop the most (then make him clean it up)
Grow a weed forest in his office and hire the ugliest, scariest hippies to live in the forest
Hire an ugly troll to walk up to Snape and squeeze his balls
Hire an ugly goat to walk up to Snape and ram his back legs into his balls
Hire little boys to fire spitballs at him during class. When they get in trouble for it, make your charm work (the charm should be something explosive. Give him acne or make him sprout hair in strange places)
Have your mother slap Snape in the face with her shoe
Have your grandmother slap Snape in the face with her shoe
Take track lessons, then have fun slapping Snape in the face and run away
Place rotten fish in his 'clean laundry' basket
Hang a cat in Snape's name (it worked for getting Harry, didn't it?)
House a grizzly bear in his quarters during summer break, then watch happily as Snape wrangles the beast with Hagrid
Have a Granny's Aerobics class in his classroom
Have a Grandpa's Aerobics class in his classroom
Have a Mommy and Me class and force Snape to pair up with one of the twins in the class
Hire thirteen miserable toddlers to take over Snape's classroom and finger paint all over EVERYTHING (particularly those love letters to Lily he's been saving since God knows when)
Propose to him in the Great Hall, then charm yourself to burst into flames when he says no (don't actually 'burst into flames', but it will make Snape look even more heartless than he already is)
Inform Snape that you are aware of his "little problem" and that you'd be happy to help him fix it (the problem could be anything with the man, so be prepared to watch him sob forever)
Have Oprah Winfrey force Snape onto her show to talk about his "romance issues"
Sign Snape up for a dating site, then constantly badger him for dates (the man is pretty pathetic, though. You might help him break out of his shell with this one)
Tell Snape that you know what Rowling did to him in the seventh book and that you'll help him whomp that bitch's ass!
So, there are 200 ways to mess with Snape. The following chapters are stories pertaining to the events mentioned in the above pranks and whatnots. I promise to follow through with my hilarity. Enjoy, and leave a review if you get a chance. THANK YOU!!