A belated thank you to The Layman, who long ago (when this 'magazine' first started) insisted I do an Orihime dedicated chapter. This has been long awaited and long deserved, so I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.
Orihime's Revenge
Guten Tag! This is BLEACH Weekly Tabloid reminding you that even the princess can be pushed too far. Why else would Zelda and Peach join Super Smash Bros?
Orihime Inoue: Finally! This is the issue I get revenge for that last issue!
Roy Mustang: You hate dogs?
OI: No the one before that!
Kisuke Urahara: You hate cats?
OI: No before that!
BWT: When was the last time you read this story?
OI: Never mind that! I want my revenge!
BWT: Fine… but you have to take Hanataro Yamada with you!
OI: Why him?
BWT: Because we like his spirit! Also because you have to find him, he got lost in the sewers… again!
OI: That doesn't make any sense.
BWT: Anything in this tabloid does?
OI: …Good point. Let's go find him!
BWT: Yay!
Sajin Komamura: Moo!
OI: Why is there a cow following us to the sewers?
BWT: Cows can be plumbers too! Don't dash his hopes and dreams for a better future!
OI: What?
BWT: When he started he was the sun of a poor Italian immigrant…
OI: Is this going somewhere?
BWT: But then he managed, through the life insurance—the very death of his father!—to attend a trade school!
OI: Immigrants have life insurance?
SK: Moo! [That's racist!]
BWT: And after years of hard work, he finally reached his goal of becoming a plumber. The best in the business.
OI: I guess that's a pretty inspiring story—.
BWT: And that's why he was called on to rescue the princess when she fell into the grasps of an evil mutated turtle—not of the ninja variety.
OI: …Did you just change fandoms twice in the same sentence?
SK: Moo! [Do not insult him—them—kind lady!]
BWT: Here we are!
OI: We've been here for twenty minutes.
BWT: Good point. This is taking too long. Oh if only we had some sort of dog like creature to help sniff out this poor lost soul. . .
SK: .Moo. [. . .]
Hanataro Yamada: Hi guys I just randomly appeared for the sake of story progression!
BWT: What a relief! We thought we'd have to create actual plot points in order to find you!
HY: Not in this life time!
Everyone heartily laughs.
BWT: But seriously, everyone get back into character.
HY: I was so scared!
OI: Has anyone seen Ichigo? I'm worried and feel the urge to be kidnapped coming on.
SK: Moo.
BWT: Close enough!
At this time Bleach Weekly Tabloid would like to remind you that we don't play beyond the scope of the Rescue Orihime/Hueco Mundo arc of the Bleach series. Our editors asked us to mention this because it's somehow important to you and why there aren't certain characters or plot devices, like hollow forms and new captains—whatever that means!
OI: Now can I have my revenge?
BWT: Why not?
OI: Great! Let's start by going back to my place.
BWT: A girl finally invited us back to her house. Mom? Mom! Did you see that? Did you see—?
Clang!
The next thing we can remember for some reason is waking up at Orihime's house. Although no one would admit it, we strongly suspected it had something to do with the suspicious looking cow—not the vengeance-seeking princess with a skillet that was shaped oddly like our skulls!
BWT: Wow! That powerful aroma certainly brought us back to consciousness. What is that terrible smell?
SK: Moo? [Perhaps these awakening oils I've used somehow with my hoofs in order to wake you up?]
BWT: Nope! Not that!
SK: Mooo—! [Wait! You can understand me? Please, please turn me back—!]
Upon further investigation we found the source of our awakening to be the Yamamoto-awful smell bubbling up from the cauldron of the witch—we mean Orihime! We refuse to take back the remark on her cooking.
OI: Do you want some grub before we head out?
BWT: Against our better judgment, yes, yes we do!
OI: Here you go!
We sat down on the couch and felt the eyes of Orihime and a cow alike on our clammy necks. Every hair on our body stood on end as we gazed into the bubbling concoction. An eyeball floated to the top, but was quickly consumed by some unidentifiable creature. We picked up our spoons and took a bite.
BWT: That…
OI: Yes?
BWT: Was the best thing we've ever had!
After quickly scarfing down our first serving we couldn't help but eat the entire pot—though we generously left some for both Orihime and the cow. The cow, rude fellow that he is, declined his portion.
OI: Now that we have some food in our stomachs we can begin plotting our next move!
BWT: Why are you angry again? We feel like we haven't been around any of you people for months for some reason.
OI: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I'm angry because of this!
BWT: We can't see what you're thinking.
OI: Put in a flashback!
BWT: Oh that's what that gesture means!
Enter flashback!
SK: Moo.
End flashback!
OI: That wasn't even close to what I wanted! That was just last issue!
BWT: And what an issue it was!
OI: You can't possibly expect your readers to remember what happened ages ago when you used to update on a regular basis!
BWT: And you can't expect us to remember either!
OI: You wrote the story though!
BWT: Hey shout marks are our thing!
OI: Why do you remember that but not my flashback?
BWT: Remember what?
OI: Let's just go to the Seireitei!
BWT: Whatever you say angry lady!
Thus we went to the Seireitei!
Kisuke Urahara: You're not going to mention how I helped you get there?
BWT: Everyone probably already figured that plot device out!
KU: I don't think that gives you permission to skip—.
At the Seireitei we said!
KU: Fine. That will be ten souls.
BWT: On our tab they go!
KU: You know I cut you off at 200 souls, and you've already traveled around quite a bit—.
BWT: We love you too!
Now finally at the Seireitei!
HY: Uhm, guys, you seem to have left me earlier when you went off, and I was just wondering—?
BWT: Next issue!
HY: Okay. . .
BWT: By the way! Where in the Soul Society are we going?
OI: You'll see.
BWT: Oh let's go visit Uncle Byakuya!
Byakuya Kuchiki: I'm not your uncle.
BWT: But we love you.
BK: . . .
BWT: He's cold, but we love him.
Kensei Muguruma: Who are you and why are you talking to me?
BWT: Who are you and why are you talking to us?
KM: I'm leaving now.
OI: Excuse me, Mr. Kuchiki sir, is Rukia home?
BK: What do you want with her orange-haired devil child?
BWT: That's a little out of character.
OI: I-I just want to talk to her.
BK: Hmm. Very well then. She just so happens to be in the backyard.
BWT: You have a backyard?
Our question ignored, we follow the Red-Haired Princess Warrior to the supposedly existent backyard!
OI: Rukia!
Rukia Kuchiki: Orihime? What are you doing here?
OI: I-I've come to talk about something very important.
RK: What is it?
OI: For a long time now… I've… Been afraid to tell you how I truly feel.
Suddenly cherry blossoms rain down out of nowhere, though we have our suspicions.
Most likely it was the cow again!
SK: Moo. [How beautiful. Young and forbidden…]
RK: Orihime… is this what I think it is?
OI: Y-yes! Rukia, you see, the truth is I—!
RK: Say no more! I understand without your words.
BWT: Whoa when did you two get so close to each other? I thought you were standing like twenty feet away just a second ago!
OI: Please, consider it—consider what it could be! What it could mean…
RK: I have! But you know we can't. Such a thing is forbidden after all.
OI: We don't need to live by their rules!
RK: Sadly, we do. This is a shonen manga after all.
OI: What does that have anything to do with it?!
RK: It is written in the Rule Book of Shonen, after the main character must eat like a horse but gain no weight, and before there must be a rival that all female fans see as a potential yaoi partner for the main character.
OI: And what does that law say that's so vital?!
RK: The females must know their place.
OI: And what place would that be?
RK: For me, it is only to be the powerful female that turns out to be a bit of a princess.
OI: And for me?
RK: A princess is all you ever were—and it's all you'll ever be.
OI: No! I can't stand it!
RK: It's the way of this world Orihime—and you know I can't change that any more than you can. We—we are merely… static characters.
OI: No!
BWT: This whole conversation has taken a strangely serious twist. We don't like it.
BK: Why is Captain Komamura naked and passed out in my backyard?
BWT: That's better!
SK: Wh-what's going on here?
BWT: He broke the curse! Let's here it for Yellow Dog One!
OI: What about the real and important issue of our lack of development at this point in the series?
BWT: Are you kidding us? Bleach is probably, like, 546 chapters long by now! We're sure you'll change eventually!
OI: Really?
BWT: Nope!