TITLE: Take Me As I Am
AUTHOR: ponderer
SUMMARY: They were going to win because they were different.
DISCLAIMER: I want for nothing.
SPOILERS: Post 1x04 "Preggers". Title comes from Au Revoir Simone's song, "Take Me As I Am".
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I am completely and utterly obsessed with this show. It's pathetic. We're only four episodes in and I want ten more seasons. Keep in mind, this is my first piece in this fandom. I hope I got it right. Enjoy.
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Rachel
She hears the mumble of the choir room as she leaves (storms) from its cramped space (Tina, Quinn, Mr. Shue). She's beyond angry, beyond upset, she's even beyond tears.
She can hear the foundation breaking as she finds herself in the theater, breathing out a request for a B flat scale of her star role in the Cabaret. She pretends to not feel eyes on her and sings her heart out (because honestly, it's all she has – not Glee, not Maria's song, not Finn). She sings until her voice runs dry and she's forced to take a water break.
She stumbles into the girls restroom, going about her business. One glance in the mirror of her broken reflection and she's hurled herself into a stall and she's retching her lunch (a manicured turkey on rye, sliced apple, and whole milk) and she feels horrid. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand slowly, seeing her fingers shake in exhaustion, disappointment, despair. On weak limbs, she brings herself to the sink, cups her palms full of water and brings it to her chapped mouth, splashing the liquid on her cheeks, damping her clammy forehead.
She's only gone for three minutes (that's what her wristwatch tells her when she's made it more gracefully into the theater) and her head is back this time, shoulders aligned in straight posture, hands cupped in front of her tummy.
She begins her song again, trying another key.
It's not enough, but it's okay. For now.
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Finn
He thought he had feelings for Rachel. He was actually pretty sure he did. But he couldn't act on them then; when things were innocent (kiss on the stage) and pure (Push It) and magic (Don't Stop Believin'). Definitely not now, not with a baby and his mom's reaction and Quinn's hormone changes and Puck's extreme… whatever, and well, he can't handle much else.
He doesn't want to stay in Lima forever. He wants to go to school, the whole four year deal, most likely on an athletic scholarship (for his mom's benefit) and break up with Quinn over the whole long distance thing and then meet a new girl – smart, pretty, safe. (Rachel isn't safe; because she wants everything – won't stop until she gets exactly what she wants.)
Now he really needs to focus on keeping Quinn happy (and his mom). He has to grow up and not listen to Puck's menacing glare and Rachel's drama and everything else. All he really has to make him truly happy is Glee.
He can feel that breaking, too. It's just another thing to add to the list of horrible things surrounding him.
When he talked to Mr. Shue, he felt relieved, hopeful almost. The teacher was much more than that; he was a friend, a mentor, a father like figure that he hadn't found yet.
Later, when he's at home, he thinks of what he could do for his unborn child now. He reaches underneath his bed and his fingers touch a tattered blanket. He smiles in the dark, and thinks he'll give it to Quinn.
It's not a lot, but it's something.
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Kurt
He's had a few rough days.
Practicing dance moves is tiring him out, but that doesn't stop him from asking Tina and Britt to stop over after school, to make a video. He's sure his dad won't be home until late, so that won't be a problem. Until the music stops (and so does his heart).
It speeds up at the mention of football (Finn in full outfit, sweaty) and then falls from his chest when he realizes he lied; again.
He makes the team. It surprises him too. It won't help to show that to the team, definitely not (because he needs to look fabulous, not disastrous) so he smiles and waves confidently; thinking of his dad, thinking of Finn, thinking of well, something other than fashion.
Which is different.
Not bad, just different.
He's hurting. He watches after school specials about kids coming out to their friends and family. He reads blogs online. He listens to late night radio shows. He watches The Real World. Then America's Next Top Model; and he's back at square one.
He tells his dad and it's easier then he thought. He wishes his mother was there too (he misses her smell the most, what he sometimes catches a whiff of when he walks past the abandoned bedroom) to help him. He realizes though that he has confidence enough to do it.
When his father retires upstairs for the night, he turns the radio on and jams to something different, something Finn suggested (Frampton, maybe) but gives up and dances the entire routine of Ok Go's "Here I Go Again".
It's definitely not Beyonce, but it has a cool beat. He could probably wear a nice suit with it, at least.
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Tina
She stutters out a reply to Mr. Shue, something about taking one for the team. She feels defeated once again in her speech, hating that it makes her feel powerless and stupid. The only time she feels like something is when she's singing. It's the only time she can say (sing) without pause or havoc of her words. She feels powerful then.
When he announced it would be her solo, her heart soar. She loved Glee; how she had friends to sit with at lunch who wouldn't look down at her if it took her a few extra minutes to say, "Pass me the salt and pepper, please." They made her feel a part of something.
She tells her family about it at night, at the dinner table. She finds her confidence growing and when her mother smiles at the end of her speech, she's confused. "You didn't stutter," her mother grins and then Tina is, too.
Take one for the team is what she tells her instructor, turning down the solo. She understands how much Rachel means to the club. So what if she won't have a solo. It's not everything like it is to Rachel. Just being in the group means everything to her.
But then he announces that it's still her solo (Maria from West Side Story!), and Rachel storms out, she feels bad that she feels her heart smile, too.
Maybe she wanted it, after all.
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