An Unforeseen Ed, Part One

"GET HIM, MAY!"

Even with her hair covering her eyes, Eddy could tell they burned red with anger. For once, Edd's anti-Kanker tactics didn't backfire. Ed scooped Eddy and his freshly-rescued money jar into the air and bolted toward the woods with Edd tucked safely under his armpit.

"ED!" Edd gasped for air. "The clothesline!"

Eddy was eye-level with the clothesline and centimeters from being beheaded when Ed broke left sharply. May's leap from the roof of the trailer ended in vein. She missed the boys by barely a meter and wound up dangling from the clothesline by her buckteeth.

"Nice try, Kankers," Eddy taunted. "Nobody takes money from me and gets away with it!"

It was Marie's turn. The blue-haired Kanker was much faster on her feet than May or Lee. She quickly closed distance on Ed.

"I got a new beauty wax yesterday! I can't wait to try it on my honey!"

"Aaaaaagh!"

Ed sprinted up a pile of discarded tires. Having no free hand, he used Eddy's mouth to wing tires at Marie. Several landed on her and caused her to fall toward Lee.

"The two of you are USELESS!" Lee shambled out of the tires and kept running after the Eds.

"Oh, okay! Don't stop to help or anything!" Marie wrestled with the tires until May caught up and grabbed her arm.

"She really is becoming a colossal bitch."

"No foolin' Marie."

"MAY! MARIE!" Lee's voice streaked through the woods. "HURRY UP!"

"Pbftftft," Marie swept scuffs of black tire dust from her pants. "Should we even bother?"

May stared into the trees and turned things over in her mind. "Remember what happened last time?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

Lee chased the boys toward several booby traps her sisters set in the woods. Without May or Marie to herd them, the Eds remained uncaptured. Escalating futility made her even madder.

"You boys got it all wrong, you know! You're supposed to bring money home to your women!"

"When we find some, we'll give it a shot," Eddy hollered back.

Lee snarled and ran harder but caught her toe on a gnarled tree root. "MARIEEEE!!" She spilled forward into a rather graceful mid-air sail before shambling face-first into the mossy ground. She remained there. Motionless.

"Just focus on getting away!" Edd warned. "Don't taunt!"

"Look at her! She's pathetic! She can't do anything without her sisters!"

"Eddy! Don't!"

"Aw, c'mon Lee! You're makin' this too easy!" Eddy pulled on Ed's collar. "Slow down, Lumpy! I can't see the look on her face."

"Ed! No! Keep going!"

"Calm down, Sockhead. She's harmless." Eddy jumped down from Ed's shoulder. "Aww, whatsamatter Lee? You gonna' cry?"

Edd scurried from under Ed's armpit and yanked on his lapels. "Ed, I beseech you! KEEP RUNNING!"

"Not without my Eddy, Double-Dee!"

Edd grabbed the bridge of his nose in frustration. "For God's sake, EDDY! COME ON!"

"Hold on a sec," Eddy set his jar down and stepped toward Lee. Not one muscle twitched. Eddy picked up a stick and poked her. His face lit with sheer delight. "Guys! Get over here! She's out cold!"

"What?" Edd pushed past Ed in a dash toward Eddy and Lee. Eddy continued poking her and chuckling.

"Eddy, this is no laughing matter!" Edd extracted a stethoscope from under his hat and motioned Eddy back. "Step aside! Give her some air."

"Are you joking?! This is gold! When else are we ever going to have an opportunity to get back at her?"

"You should be ashamed of yourself! She's obviously incapacitated! What kind of a person takes advantage of a situation like this!?"

Edd suddenly found both his wrists in an unbreakable grip. "I know someone," Lee purred.

All three boys shrieked and quickly discovered May and Marie blocking their escape to the Cul-de-Sac.

"Looks like somebody forgot the Old Creek Path. Huh May?"

"DO SOMETHING, ED!"

"BLUE! FORTY-TWO! BLUE! FORTY-TWO!" Ed grabbed Eddy and hiked him through his legs at Lee and Edd. "HUT!"

"Huh?" In under a blink, Eddy hurtled at Lee with the force of a cannonball. In the distraction, Lee let go of Edd's wrists and he quickly tumbled away as Eddy collided with Lee. All three boys scrambled in different directions trying to escape the Kankers.

"YOU BETTER RUN!" Lee screamed after them. A curly red coif was marred with a deep buttprint.

Marie pointed and giggled, followed by May. Lee wasted no time knocking their heads together and tossing them to the ground. "GET OFF YOUR ASSES! THEY'RE GETTIN' AWAY!"

Dizzy, the girls stumbled in circles before Lee smacked them again and pointed them in the right direction. Once again, the Eds had a good start.

"What do we do now!?" Edd's eyes were wild with panic.

"Head for the water!"

"Eddy! They'll catch us! There's no place to hide!"

"Just trust me! Go! Go! Go!"

"Trust you?! Trusting you got us into this! It was only fifty cents! We could've written it off!"

"That's like six jawbreakers! Are you nuts?!"

"Ten jawbreakers, Eddy! Ten!"

"Way to make my point, Sockhead!"

Eddy wasted no time jumping into the water when they reached the creek. "C'mon! Jump!"

"Dive! Red October, DIVE!" Ed and Edd left the bank and splashed into the water.

"Ha!" Eddy folded his arms and twisted his face into an evil grin. "Let's see them get us now."

"Eddy, We're in plain sight!"

"Just wait."

The three sisters skidded to a halt just short of the edge of the bank.

"Fancy a swim? Ladies?"

Three sisters looked at each other. "Don't look at me," Marie snarled.

"We don't have to," Lee drawled. "We still got the money. You three little piggies can sit in the mud all you want."

"Ha! Consider it charity!" Eddy narrowed his eyes slyly. "You'll need it to fix that hair."

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" May and Marie had to grab Lee to keep her from leaping into the water after Eddy.

"Looks good on ya' Lee!"

Eddy laughed derisively until Lee threw the jar at him. Eddy and Ed thrashed and lunged in the water trying to catch it. Instead, it tumbled past the tips of their fingers; dumping its contents into the water.

"MY MONEY!"

The three sisters erupted in a chorus of laughter as Eddy simultaneously attacked and tried to cajole Ed into rescuing the money. After a few moments of being outwrestled by Ed, Eddy gave up and dove for the bottom.

"Eddy! Be careful!"

Eddy resurfaced after a few beats. "Guys! I see it! Help me get it!"

"But Eddy! The water's…" Eddy dove before Edd could finish his sentence.

"Hey Lee? I'm gettin' hungry," May whined.

"Shutup May. You're always hungry."

"She's right, Lee. It's dinner time."

"SO?"

"So, if we don't get home and get dinner on the table, Mom's gonna' be pissed."

"Oh, fine. We'll leave in a sec."

Ed leapt around in the water like a porpoise while Edd looked around. "Eddy?" Eddy hadn't resurfaced.

"Eddy?!"

Lee's attention cocked back toward the water. "Now what?"

"Eddy's been down an awfully long time." The color drained from Edd's face. "Ed!"

Ed continued emulating sea creatures.

"Ed! Help!"

Edd thrashed and bobbed around desperately looking for Eddy. Ed ventured on to other parts of the creek.

"Oh no! Not good! Not good! Not good!"

A sudden shove put Marie in the water. "GAH! LEE! What the heck?!"

"Help your boyfriend!"

Marie snarled and cursed under her breath before ducking under the water. After few seconds, she came back up with a different look on her face. "Lee! I need some muscle!"

"What?"

"There's a bunch of junk down there. His leg's caught. Hurry up!"

Lee shoved May into the water. "You heard the lady!"

"LEE," May shrieked. "She meant YOU!"

Lee beaned her blonde sister with a shoe. "SAVE MY BOYFRIEND!"

"C'mon, May. I'll show ya.'"

Both girls disappeared below the surface as Edd climbed from the water and ran away to get help.

In the murky water, Eddy struggled to free himself and quickly ran out of steam. He was on the edge of passing out when Marie pointed at her mouth and blew a small stream of bubbles. Before he could process the gesture, Marie grabbed his face and sealed her lips against his; giving him her breath of air. In shock, Eddy almost inhaled water as well. Marie broke away and bounced back to the surface before returning with another precious breath of air. She did this several more times while May concentrated her efforts on an offending piece of rusted metal. Parts of the junk pile looked like an abandoned car. May eventually loosened Eddy's leg, but couldn't free his pants. After another breath of air, the girls descended on his fly and yanked him to the surface in his boxers.

Just as Eddy took his first free breath, another set of hands muscled him through the water and dumped him onto the bank. Kevin stared down at him with a disgusted look while he checked Eddy's vitals.

"You know what happens when you go swimming late! The water's black, you can't see and you get disoriented. Didn't you morons pay attention in swim class?"

"It's not like that," Edd tried to defend Eddy but it fell on deaf ears.

"You're just lucky it's still light out! All three of ya' coulda' drowned!"

"Aw, gee. We didn't know you cared, Kevvy." Eddy fluttered his eyes.

"I DON'T. I'm a Gym Assistant. I don't have a choice."

"But we're not in school."

"Can it, losers! I'm going home… And don't expect me to keep this a secret!"

"Oh, C'mon Kev! Don't be a douchebag!"

"Dorks!"

Eddy shifted his glare toward Edd. "Of all the help in the neighborhood, what'd ya' hafta' pick him for?"

"But Eddy! I…"

"Nazz is trained in First Aid. Rolf passed the class. Jonny and the rest of the Urban Losers all know CPR."

"Eddy, you know I can't get Nazz. We've been over that."

"Hey," Marie's voice cut between them. "Can we go now? It's freaking cold."

Marie and May stood in the waning twilight like disheveled dripping wet cats. Edd and Eddy stared at them in stunned silence.

"So, this sucks."

"Let's go, Marie. I'm hungry."

"See ya' boys."

May and Marie climbed up the bank and joined Lee for a long soggy walk back to the Park n' Flush.

___

End of Part One.