Eh, apparently I do care. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Don't give me story suggestions, people, because I will do them. It's bad for me.

WARNING: Alternate cynical ending in the style of lexywrites, language, slash, so much bad!fic, and lots more death.

Based off of this review (thank you, rilafbrk!). The only thing I didn't do is the sibling who falls for Draco/and/or/Harry, because I just didn't feel like thinking up a plot for that to fit in. Yes, I'm lazy. :]

I think you forgot a few cliches that appear WAY too often in fics though, such as the goth, ocs, fem harry, fem draco, harry getting alot of tattoos and piercings, the unknown/forgotten sibling who falls for draco or harry, and a few others that are really annoying but I can't remember 'cause they were so bad I didn't even get past the first couple of sentences before I clicked the back button.

And a thank you to Unhappy Sarah, for educating me on the composition of "horrible female OCs." Rest assured, I shall never desecrate another Sarah. Outside of Labyrinth, that is.

Alternate Chapter Two: In which: Harry wakes up in the same bed as the previous chapter (but it's still not his own), has some down time with his gal pals, and Neville attempts to get cozy with the Dark Lord.

Harry woke up, disorientated. Of course he was in the Hospital Wing. You'd think that after all times he had been in here, they would at least give him his own bed, or something. Maybe his own toothbrush, at least.

He wondered vaguely, 'Why am I here? I don't recall being in a fight…'

And then he remembered the seeing of the Malfoy, the fainting, and the lone tear that randomly occurred sometime in between the fainting and now.

"Merlin!" he cried, tugging at his hair angstily. "I can't believe I looked like such a loser in front of Malfoy. How could I completely humiliate myself in front of such a hottie?"

His best friends beside Ron and Hermione walked in then. Krystall was a Sixth Year Gryffindor with strawberry blonde hair, stunning purple eyes, and a great smile. Tiffany was a Seventh Year Hufflepuff who was shy, but very beautiful. She had flowing long black hair and laughing brown eyes, and a body to die for. Both of them were tall and skinny and gorgeous, and they often color coordinated Harry's outfits to match theirs.

Krystall rushed forward, and hugged Harry tightly. "Sweetie, we heard what happened on the train! Oh my God, I'm so sorry I wasn't there! Poor baby, fainting in front of your mate!"

Tiffany came up, and also hugged him. "Are you alright, hun?" she asked quietly.

Harry nodded. "I'm alright guys. I'm just really depressed now because Draco probably thinks I'm a loser, and these clothes just make me even more upset. Honestly, hospital gowns are so tacky."

Krystall and Tiffany smiled. "Well, we can fix that! And then you'll look so hot that Draco will forget that you acted like a complete and total reject on the train!"

They waved their wands together, and nonverbally transformed Harry from drab to totally fab. He was wearing a skintight black tanktop and baggy black cargo pants, with chains hanging from the side. He wore black Converses on his feet, and had gauge earrings in both ears. His heavy black eyeliner matched his black nail polish, and he had two piercings in his left eyebrow, a nose ring, and a tattoo of a dragon encompassing his right arm. His hair was streaked with red and spiked a lot.

"Wow!" Tiffany and Krystall chorused. "You look…sexy!"

"But I look like a tortured soul in anguish too, right?" Harry asked anxiously.

"Oh, totally," Tiffany replied emphatically, and then grinned. "But you make angst look sexy!"

Harry sniffed. "Well, that's alright, then."

At that very moment, Draco Malfoy walked into the Hospital Wing. However, it was a very different Malfoy than the one Harry had seen on the train. Tiffany and Krystall squeaked, and said hurriedly, "We'll see you later, Harry!"

They ran out of the room, and Malfoy strode up to Harry. "Who do you think you are, Potter? What gives you the right to make me your mate?"

Harry stared at awe down at Malfoy. He was… beautiful. His skin was an even paler porcelain, his cheeks were flushed daintily, and his rosebud mouth was currently in a delicate pout. His gleaming blonde hair had grown down to his hips, where it curled in gentle waves. He had lost about six inches of height, and had gained a tapered waistline.

He fit perfectly against Harry's chest.

Harry knew this because the second after Draco had stopped speaking, Harry had pulled Draco into his arms. Draco squeaked and tried to get away, but the Veela Magic overtook them, and they relaxed together.

"I've never felt this way before about anyone," Draco whispered wonderingly.

"You're pretty," Harry replied.

"My heart is racing, and I'm having trouble breathing," Draco said in surprise.

"You have soft hair," Harry returned thoughtfully.

"I think I might be in love with you!" Draco breathed, looking deeply into Harry's luminous orbs of verdant greenness.

"I wanna fuck you," was Harry's loving response.

Draco tentatively placed a hand on Harry's face, and they came together for True Love's First Kiss-

When Neville walked into the Hospital Wing.

"Hey guys," he said nervously.

Draco twisted around in Harry's arms, and squealed in terror. "Oh, Merlin! It's someone who doesn't use hair care product! Save me, Harry!"

Harry rushed to reassure his beloved. "Don't worry, sweetie pie, I won't let the fugly thing hurt you."

Neville exploded. "Oh, for fuck's sake! Avada Kedavra!"

And so they died, locked in the arms of love's embrace, just as it was about to give them a noogie.

Neville walked outside and set the castle on fire. Everyone in it died.

Voldemort Apparated outside of Hogwarts, and his eyes came to rest on Neville.

"It's you," he whispered reverently.

Neville's eyes filled with tears. "At last, the one person who can appreciate me for who I am inside, and won't judge me by my hideous exterior."

Voldemort was in shock, and did a little happy dance. "Ha! They told me that no one could ever be uglier than I was in my new form, but they were wrong! Look at you! You're unspeakably horrifying! You look like the love child of the Giant Squid and a goblin!"

Neville started crying. "Stop laughing at me! Avada Kedavra! I hate you!"

And so Voldemort died.

Apparently, that power which the Dark Lord knows not?

Yeah, it was ugliness.

And so the wizarding world lived happily ever after.

Except for Neville, who killed himself, and spent the rest of his deathtime trying to make Moaning Myrtle fall in love with him. He never succeeded.

FIN.

A/N: -shudders- Ugh. The grime of those nasty OCs is still coating my keyboard. I think I lost twenty brain cells after writing each paragraph.

This was how it was originally supposed to end, with Voldemort rejecting Neville. Anyhoo, the flaming offer still stands… I know this story's supposed to be funny, but it hits a little close to the real things sometimes…

And does anyone know why the badly written OCs always have purple eyes? I've never gotten that.

If you want to read a really good Harry/OC story, check out excentrykemuse's Of Princes and Fireflies. It's the only OC story I've ever liked.