Alright, even though I did not expect to be writing an eleventh chapter, I'm glad I've had the opportunity to do s. I think this has allowed the ending to flow quite a bit better than I had originally planned for it to and sort of gives more space to elaborate on some loose ends. I'm not so sure this can exactly be called a satisfactory ending as much as it can be called a conclusion and I hope you all will bear with me all the same.

The book that I read to get this idea is Sharon Creech's 'Walk Two Moons.'

I cannot thank you all enough for the wonderful support I have received throughout this story. I mean it! I thank you each so much for making the story much more worthwhile. And such a special thanks again to Effar teh Great and the Willowfly.

TMNT, Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, Donatello, Splinter, and the Foot © Mirage Studios
story © Turtlefreak121

Paradigm
Chapter Eleven: Catharsis

I watched as Don folded each article of clothing like delicate silk. It was funny to watch because our family had few clothes as it was, being mutant turtles and what not, so the few sweats that Don had packaged for me were all that we owned.

Honestly, I didn't even want to be using them. I was so tired of being restrained as it was. I thought that at least I could be thankful I wasn't wearing any yet when Don threw some beside me on the bed.

I groaned.

"Donny, do I have to?" I whined.

"You better believe you have to," he scolded me as he shook the firmly packed bag, all the useless junk stored within it sinking to the bottom. "Do you know how cold it is outside? I'm not going to let you recover from your injuries only to catch pneumonia."

The thought was a stretch but loving all the same. It made me resent his care all the more.

His obsession with my health was exactly what reminded me of why I hadn't asked him to come along yet. As much as I love my brother, I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take! He was borderline neurotic.

"Now, I want you to call me whenever you get a chance," Mother Don began as he dropped my bag and sat on the bedside with me. "And don't forget to check your stitches. The last ones should be coming out soon."

"That's disgusting," I retorted sourly.

"You need to look out for it all the same, goofball," he replied with a sigh. That tired, worn expression came to his face again and he looked to his lap where his thumbs twiddled. He was so worked up over this – it was driving me batty!

Still, it was this same brother's nursing and caring that had saved me. It wasn't exactly something I could ever forget or repay him for, even if it came with this horrendous excuse for his annoying habits.

I leaned against him and buried my beak against his chest.

"I won't be gone forever," I reminded him. "Then you can yell at me about stitches and sweats and blankets all you want."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "Just a few days. We've been apart for longer."

"And we always come back," I continued as I looked up at him.

It was at that point I realized Don was crying. I felt like such a jerk. How had I not noticed that earlier?

"Not always, Mikey," he said quietly.

I leaned against him and hugged his side, wanting so bad to take away all this hurt. But his muscles were so stiff, so unfeeling that I don't even know if he knew I was hugging him or not. It was almost as if he was in a completely different world.

"I didn't completely tell the truth," he suddenly said.

I looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"When you asked me about that night… about whether or not Leo had said anything to me," he said quietly. "He did say a few things and I didn't want to," he bit his lip, "I didn't want to share them. And then I got mad at Raph for doing the exact same thing. I'm sorry, Mike."

Lowering my head, I knew it wasn't my place to know everything that happened. It was selfish of me to want to take in everything of that night when parts of it weren't mine to want. Some of those parts belonged to my brothers and them alone.

"No, Don, don't worry about it," I responded at last. "I don't need to know."

He looked at me and snorted at my reply. He wasn't buying that in the least. "Saint Michael, are we?" he said with a smirk. "Forgive me if I don't bow in praise."

I crinkled my beak and pushed off of him a bit. "Fine, be that way, asshole," I spat.

"Cool it, Mikey," he laughed before rubbing my shoulder. "In all seriousness, though, you do need to know because, well, because I think that it is why everyone's treating you the way we are. You should know, and you do want to know."

Indeed, I did.

"Okay, spill," I muttered.

He gently curved his arm over around my shoulders, reminding me what six months of no training and little consciousness can really do to a guy's physique, before pulling me close against him. I faintly recalled a similar approach our father would use when we were children he was preparing for a bedtime story.

"When Raph and I got to you guys, I went to Leo first," Don said slowly. "He was the first one we could see and he was awake so we knew he was alive. So I went to see what I could do to help him."

I could only imagine the scene as Raph and Don had found it – the blood splattered, unholy mess. I swallowed at the very thought of being in Don or Raph's place. I shuddered as I pictured the scene, coming across my brothers barely clinging to life.

"He told me to not worry about it," he said, pulling me from my inner concentration.

I looked at him. "What?"

"Leo told me to take care of you," Don explained before lowering his head. "No matter what happened, I was to take care of you, make sure you got better. You were the only thing, next to Raph handling the Elite, that Leo was worried about."

My vision blurred and I had to move fast to wipe away the tears.

I felt Don's hand rest on my knee and I brought myself to look at him. He smiled gently before grabbing my bag off the floor for me. "We better get ready soon. I packed you a few things you might want to give to Leo when you see him. And call me, Michelangelo. I'm serious!"

He turned away to rummage through more precautionary supplies. It wasn't long before he was growling at me to put on the sweats he handed me, but I wasn't paying any attention.

From behind his shell, I pulled him into the tightest hug I could manage.

He paused for a moment before pulling me into his own, nestling my head under his chin. "I love you, too, Mikey."

I don't really remember the conversation which got me here, but I do graciously accept this hot green tea with April.

The cedar smell of the farmhouse isn't so much relaxing as it is exotic to my city oriented senses. New York has me constantly alert, constantly accepting new smells and noises. I always have the sense that I never know exactly everything that's going on.

In many ways the farm is completely different.

I faintly recognize with each time that my brothers and I return here how absolutely new everything was. The farm was a world that none of us recognized and yet it brought home so many instincts we had never used before. We wanted to feel home and at the same time we knew we never could.

The dangers and general pace of the city had changed us almost to a point of being unrecognizable as turtles anymore, that is, to a less noticeable degree than the mutagen did.

Every now and again it seemed as though the farm was a healing spot for the wounds our lives had broken us with. It was something Leo had always been adamant about us doing regularly.

Oh, Leo…

It was fun to come to the farm once upon a time…

Now it's just tragic.

Judging by the silence, I'm guessing my little charade outside with Leo really left an impression. No one's really saying anything to me. I have two pairs of eyes on me at all times and it's making me feel a little jumpy.

Like… should I be doing something to entertain them since all this attention is on me? I don't think I'm really doing anything all that interesting right now besides sipping on this green tea, which, if I haven't mentioned already, is fabulous. It almost reminds me of Master Splinter's, though it does lack that hint of expertise and tradition that I don't think will ever be replicated.

I finish my little cup, lay it on the counter, and have to shiver. Without the cup warming me, I'm a little surprised to find that it's incredibly cold. I look up and still find that April and Casey are examining me.

If they don't stop, I'll start calling them Don, Jr. One and Two.

Still, they're only trying to help me, and I do realize that, even if it's bitterly annoying. Not to mention April just gave me some awesome tea after my freak out outside which, shockingly enough, did not make me feel any better whatsoever.

"Thanks, April," I say rather stiffly, still not in complete use of my voice. I guess this really is the first time I've spoke up since I was outside with Leo.

"No problem, Mike," April says very soothingly, like a sweet lullaby or something.

The concept makes me shudder.

"You okay now, Mikey?" Casey speaks up as he steps over toward the kitchen counter where we're standing.

I should laugh at the concern Casey has for me right now because it is rather cute. He's extremely shaken and clueless, but wants to be doing something to make things better. Thing is, no one knows what to do to make me feel any better.

I wish I knew what to do, too. I hate feeling like shit.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better," I reply. "I just should probably get my bags first and—"

"Already did that for ya," Casey says with a smirk. "Put them in the guest bedroom and everything."

Nodding in thanks, I go over the concept itself. In all the years that I've come to the farm, I haven't once stayed in the guest bedroom. That was an honor usually reserved for Sensei. Even if he didn't come, we all four usually bunked together in the attic, our four-person suite.

Thinking of staying in a room on my own reminds me of how scary being on my own really is. The concept is foreign to the point that it leaves a dry, bitter taste in my mouth.

Think think think. I'm like Winnie the Pooh. I'm so distracted by my own thoughts that I'm just now realizing that April's talking on her phone. I don't think I even heard it ring!

Has it really been that long since I honed in on my ninja skills?

She pauses and looks at me.

"Do you want to talk to your brother?" she asks softly.

I release an irritated sigh. Dammit, Don. Could this not wait a few more minutes? I'm still trying to gather my thoughts for crying out loud!

Reluctantly, I offer my hand. "Yeah, sure," I mutter as she places the cell in my palm. I can only guess how long this is going to take since I didn't call him on the way like I promised I would. Oh, well. "Hello, Donatello."

There's a pause and what sounds like an awkward shift before a rough, indecisive huff.

Don doesn't huff.

"I ain't Don," Raph's voice timidly comes over the phone.

I nearly fall out of my chair.

"Raph?" I ask, unsure of what this could possibly be over. Did I leave something in the gym to piss him off? I mean, I don't know why he would ever even think of calling! It's so… unexpected. "I mean… something wrong?"

"God, I hope not," he mutters. I hear something muffled behind him and then a door shut. "Don's going nuts for the phone. Y'know you should have called him, right? Just once so he wouldn't get all jittery on me."

I laugh a good, honest to God, true laugh. It is just like Raph. It is Raph.

"I know, my bad," I respond as I make my way into the living room and settle on the couch, barely noticing that April and Casey have taken off to give me some privacy. "He's not too worried, is he?"

"Yeah, you bet your bad," Raph retorts harshly, but not the sort of harshness that I've been getting in the past months. This is brotherly, jokingly. I still feel warmed just by the fact that he's talking to me like he used to. "He's gone bananas."

It's an image I can picture perfectly; so perfect it brings back that old, worn out smile to my face. "Yeah, sounds like Don," is what makes its way out.

"How long you been there?" Raph questions somewhat stiffly.

"I don't know," I say honestly. "I… I think it's been a while."

Raph exhales a few curses before holding the phone up closer and settling in whatever room he's in. "Well, sounds like I called a little late," he sighs. "You already seen Leo and everything?"

I feel a tinge of guilt in my side for my earlier failure. I can't believe how cowardly I am for just leaving without having anything said to him. What kind of brother am I?

"Not really," I answer. "Just for a few minutes. I didn't really say anything, y'know. I just—"

"Nah, don't worry about it," Raph says rather plainly. "You know Leo. He's never been one for too many words anyway. Besides, that means I didn't call you too late to say I'm sorry."

I pause.

"Sorry?" I repeat. "Sorry about what?"

"Oh, knock it off, Saint Michael," Raphael snorts. "You and I both know that I've been a real sore bastard lately and you didn't need it or deserve it. Don was right back then, you're my brother and I shouldn't expect you to just assume that I love you."

That warm feeling comes to my chest and I almost release a cry at the expression. I don't want him to take to heart how much that means to me just yet, though. Gotta tough this out.

"I know you do," I say truthfully.

"Yeah, well, I haven't acted like too much of a brother lately and… and you don't even know why," he growls at himself. "I should have told you what happened a long time ago. I know you've been wanting to ask and I just… I kept ignoring it. But you need to know what—" he moved the phone and there was a few moments of silence before it moved back, "—what Leo said before he left."

I don't really know what to say.

I mean, this is personal business, between Raph and Leo. Believe me, I wanted to know every detail until my brain burst with all the information. How else was I ever going to get past this funk of not knowing what's up with everyone in my family.

Yet… it's something that doesn't belong to me. While the intangible seems all the more enticing just for that reason, I can't help but feel wrong for grasping onto the offer.

What Leo left behind for my brothers is a part of him that they hold on to, a piece of their paradigm for him.

I still have to come to terms with my own piece and yet here I am, taking Raph's after already taking Don's.

Still, I draw my breath steadily. I have to at least give Raph a response. "You were just being yourself, Raph," I kidded as I sat up, stiffening my back. "To be honest, I don't ever really expect different from you. But you don't have to… You don't have to tell me what happened," I attempt to refuse kindly. "That stuff is all between you and Leo."

There is an uneasy silence and I suddenly doubted whether or not I had phrased that right.

If I lost this reconnection with Raph I'll never forgive myself!

He finally speaks. "Mike, you don't understand. I need to tell you."

My epiphany comes full circle and I realize that maybe I'm not the only one that needs to go back, to think about everything that happened. I had to think through my thoughts on my own, get away from the Lair, figure out how I felt about it all on my own.

Raph was always the brooding type so I just assumed that he would want to reflect on this by himself. This one time, though, maybe he couldn't think through his funk.

And I have to admit, I need to know, too.

I bite my lip timidly and lean forward, preparing myself for whatever is to come. "Okay," I reply. "What did he say?"

He releases a breath, relieved. "Well, I don't know what all Don's told you, but we found that Elite over by you and Leo," he begins and I settle into my spot, balancing on the edge of the couch. "I went blind, just at the sight of it, and was at that bastard before I could think straight.

"I rammed my Sai through him, over and over, waiting for him to fight back, show me that strength he had to have to take out you and Leo, but I must have surprised him at the right time. He didn't fight back. Maybe he was weak from his own wounds, I don't know. I don't care. I just watched him drop into the filth of the sewer where he belonged.

"And then I turned to you guys."

I feel, just for a moment, that perhaps my heart is too big for chest. It's like it's going to leap out. I'm so confused! I want to hear this and I don't all at the same time.

"Don had already talked to Leo, I don't know what was said," Raph admits before sighing. "But Don went to go help you. I went to Leo.

"His back was broken, Mike." He paused and choked back on a noise that had been building in his throat. "Any… Anyway, it was a miracle that he was still alive, but it was him just hanging by a thread. Worst thing was Leo knew it, and nothing I could say would make a difference.

"I didn't know what to do, Don left to take you to the Lair and I was just there, with Leo. So I asked him what to do."

My hands feel clammy, I don't know what to do myself. My gut feels like it's all tied in a knot and I just can't help but feel sick, so very sick. It's like the trip to the farmhouse all over again. I just want all of this to be over but I don't want to go forward all the same.

So I ask, "What did he say?"

"He said… he said he liked the farm," Raph says lowly. "He also said that I should go and help Don with you, that the Elite had got you in the head but you'd make it if we worked fast enough… that he wished the same could go for him."

I let out a cry. I don't mean to! It just comes. I immediately bite the back of my hand to stifle anything further that might come and I just end up choking on pockets of air in my throat.

Hot tears are making their way back into the corners of my eyes and I have to shake my head fast to keep them at bay.

Raph waits on the other end of the line. He's quiet. Patient.

As I calm myself, he continues.

"I told him that he couldn't leave us like that," Raph says. "I said to him that if he left there would be too much that we would miss, too much pain we would feel; that we wouldn't be able to function without him. And I held real tight to him, like if I did it tight enough he would stay.

"But he didn't seem worried. He said we wouldn't even have to look for him, he said , I don't even know. He wasn't making much sense. He was just… he just wanted you to keep laughin'."

I pause.

"Laughing?" I whisper into the phone.

Raph's mutters continue, "Yeah… Yeah, that's it. Just keep laughing," Raph released a small laugh. "I... I didn't know what to make of it."

I feel a smile crack onto my face just as a tear makes it past my defenses. I know just a little bit better. "Okay... yeah, okay," I do my best to not bring up why it meant what it did. Not just yet, some other time. "Did he say anything else?"

I feel numb when he doesn't respond immediately. Why can't I think before I do something just for once?

"No, Mike," Raph says slowly. "I kept holding tighter to him but it didn't work… He slipped away anyway."

The next thing I did was talk to Don who, of course, scolded me for about fifteen minutes and went through all the things I was supposed to check which, of course, I ignored. My stitches could fall out in their own, dear sweet time for all I am concerned.

But it's still nice to hear him.

He doesn't know what all Raph and I had talked about. It doesn't help that when he asked me I lied, but I think he's caught on to the fact that I am a little more appreciative.

I'm not going to talk to him as long as he would have liked, though. I have something else I had to do.

I know for sure what I have to do even while I am bickering on the phone with Don, walk into the guest bedroom, and see that April had unpacked and stored my things already, leaving the item Don had packed for Leo on my nightstand.

The image of it makes me smile and I pick it up, Don biting my ear off, figuratively speaking of course, and me ignoring him as I look at the picture.

"I gotta go, Don," I say back, stunning him into silence as he realized I hadn't paid attention to even the first sentence.

"What?" he asks, a little bit peeved.

"I gotta go!" I bite back irritably before rolling my eyes. "Love you, bye!" I hung up.

Once I get this order of business out of the way, I'm going to call him back.

I sprint out of the farmhouse, if I see Casey or April they'll distract me and that won't be good at all. I have to do this in true Michelangelo fashion: spur of the moment. I don't stop until I get to the barn and as if there's glue stuck to the bottom of my feet, I stick and can't get away.

So I'm standing near the barn again, the picture tightly in my hands, and Leo staring at me just like before. There's no wind and no real warmth other than the thin bit of sunlight still peering through the clouded autumn sky.

I get on my knees, finding the frigid grass rather unforgiving, and stare at the mask delicately laid across my brother's grave.

It's the only thing that truly signifies that the rock is supposedly in place for him.

There're a few wilted flowers from the earlier spring funeral but the grave itself is still restless and untouched, definitely needing someone to take care of it in the ways that Leo had always so preciously taken care of the three of us.

"Hey, Bro," I speak up. I almost wait for a reply I know will never come; I break from the silence, though. "I know you're still here because you always told us you would be."

The mask stares at me to continue. It's been so long since it has seen me; I don't think it was even sure how I survived though Leo had always known I would.

I smirk at the questions the eyeless mask are asking me. I guess these count as replies after all.

"Don covered up my head, made me wear this stupid hat," I explain as I take off the winter cap to reveal my recovered, stitched head. I smirk. "I call it my Frankenstein Dome," I continue before knocking on it, that hollow clanking of the cap making me laugh. "Don says I look like I recovered from a scalping. I guess I kinda did. It was a close one, though, wasn't it?"

He doesn't answer. He's just patiently allowing me to continue my ramble.

I get out the picture and smile at it. It's the family portrait Leo always kept on his desk, all four of us. I'm squeezing his neck while giving Raph bunny ears, Raph's leaning on Don while Leo's crossing his arms and smirking at our utter shenanigans. He's standing strong, holding the picture up almost with his arms like he always held up the four of us.

Like he always will.

"I guess you're wondering what took so long," I laugh. "I was dozing off most of the time between… then and now. A while longer I wouldn't have been able to come if I wanted because Don's babying me," I look at his mask, his eyes, and can still see him there. "But the rest of the time I was scared because I didn't know what it would be like now, with you here away from us, if I would be able to coax your spirit back to our family like Master Splinter had wanted me to."

I sigh.

"Now that all just seems so silly, because of that paradigm stuff you kept trying to push into my head," I mutter. "That an image is never static, that people and the way we view them are always changing – that we can't predict how we'll come to see someone for what they've done for us.

"But those little glass images you always mentioned aren't just reflecting who's inside of them, are they? It's what makes them, too – the people in our lives always leave bits of themselves in other's paradigms. They're always there if you piece together all the traits they've left behind, like a puzzle." I smile. "Sorta like how you never really left us and we never left you."

I smile.

"Thanks, Leo. You never heard it when you were with us physically, but I know you'll hear it now and you'll know it's true." I take a minute to stroke the picture. "I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you and I don't just mean that night but every night. I have not a clue how you did everything you did, always making sure we'll be okay, always being one step ahead of the Foot."

I pause and take the chance to breathe again.

"It's something I thought that the three of us wouldn't be able to do without you," I admit. "I came here to ask you to come back and help us, support us like you always did. But Raph and Don just helped me realize that you never really left me or any of us."

Rubbing my neck, I release yet another sigh. "Master Splinter never meant for me to literally come here and drag you back because your living spirit has always remained with us, we just didn't know how to utilize all the gifts of yourself that you left behind."

I close my eyes and recount everything. "Don took care of me not because he was annoying me but because you had left in him a nurturing spirit and the daunting task of being responsible for me. Raph ignored me not because he was angry with me, not directly anyway, but because he knew I could not carry his pain along with mine at the time, he protected me and even Don by not going to us."

And me?

"You taught me something I can never forget, Leo," I admit. "You taught me to never look at my brothers, my family, in the same way and expect them not to change, to not give them room for progress. You taught me to give them all they need to grow into their rolls just as you always let me grow into mine."

I sigh and feel as though a load has been released. I had to get away from the Lair and my brothers to realize what our father had wanted to me to see all along.

Turning over the photo, I see my brother's scribbled words, probably from a late night where he simply could not write another word of his strategy nonsense in his journals.

"Abby Normal"

It makes me laugh. There's probably not a more perfect description of our family out there in the world.

I lay the picture against the marker, pulling over a smaller rock to keep it up. It's where it belongs.

After all the time it took to get here, to relieve this strain from my family, I feel happy, content even. I hope April and Casey can manage to leave soon, get us back to the city. It might seem so soon to want to go home after just arriving, but I've gotten what I came for. It wasn't that hard when I realized it was there all along. That Leo was there all along.

My brothers needed me and I needed them. We each held a paradigm that together was whole and was only whole when we were together. Just like our family.

I need to be home with them, let the pieces fall back in place, and let us all be complete again.

That's my paradigm of my brother Leo. He is the part of our family that keeps us whole and he will never leave us behind.