WARNING: This story contains homosexual love, mention of alcohol and sexual themes and language. I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters, but if I did then the Shrieking Shack would have been called the Moaning Shack. ;)

Somehow thinking despite the raging pain in his head, Sirius decided there were two possible explanations for what he was experiencing – either the room really was spinning out of control or he had just woken up from a hangover from hell. As memories of the night before starting rushing back to him, he decided it was the second one.

Sirius groaned as he remembered what he had done and buried his face in his hands as he remembered telling Remus. "But it was for his own good. Something has to get him to see the truth" he tried to tell himself, but he was unsure if he still believed that. He remembered the concern in Moony's eyes, screaming more about his stupid emotional problems to him and Prongs than they could possibly want to know and he remembered the fact they were both still there at the end of it. "Maybe it isn't possible to drive them away" he considered.

Sirius stood on shaky legs and immediately regretted his decision. He ached all over and the increased elevation didn't do him any favors concerning the pounding in his head. He looked around the room and took a second to remember where he was. James had insisted on him going someplace for help, Sirius knew that much, but for the life of him he couldn't remember what it was called.

The bed he had been sleeping on was small- just big enough to fit one person. The sheets, blanket and pillow were bleach walls just like the walls and tile. Across from the bed was a silver metallic dresser, the only other piece of furniture in the rom. Sirius shuffled over to the dresser and began opening drawers, only to discover that they were all disappointingly empty. He was well aware that he smelled like a brewery and was sniffing his shirt to try and determine the extent of the damage when the door opened.

Sirius looked up suddenly. The man in the door was tall with broad shoulders, dark skin and balding hair. The marauder remembered him from his stay in the hospital and vaguely from the last day he was at 12 Grimmauld Place. However, Sirius had never bothered to learn his name.

"Hi…" Sirius said in an irritated voice.

"Hello, Sirius. How are you this, afternoon?" was Shacklebolt's calm reply.

"Tired. Confused. What time is it?" Sirius asked.

"It's about three in the afternoon- which means you should probably be getting dressed."

"Look, I have some questions first. Like- where exactly am I? Where are some clothes that don't smell like hobo? Where's a phone? And sorry about this one, what's your name?" asked Sirius leisurely, in no hurry to go along with whatever the CIS agent had planned.

"You're at a CIS care facility in London. I could have someone fetch you some clothes from the laundry while your currently…. alcohol-saturated ones are in the wash. Phones are located in the common room. Also, my name is Kingsley Shacklebolt. You may call me Agent Shacklebolt or Mr. Shacklebolt, I do however prefer the former" the CIS agent answered.

"So, Shacklebolt….." Sirius tried to begin.

"No."

"So, Kingsley…." Sirius tried again looking irritated.

"Absolutely not" was the slightly peeved reply.

"Kingster?" Sirius asked in a mischievous tone.

He received a glare in response.

"Shacks?"

Shacklebolt crossed his arms across his chest and raised his eyebrows. "Would you like me to send someone to fetch fresh clothes for you or not? I would think so because it currently looks like your pants experienced a rather unfortunate incident."

Sirius looked down and replied defensively. "You know, after so many drinks, it's rather hard to keep more of one's firewhiskey in one's mouth than on one's pants, Agent Shacklebolt."

"Shall we go get you a clean pair then, Mr. Black?" Kingsley replied with a smile.

Later That Day

"Therapy Schedule for Sirius Orion Black: Private Therapy with Healer Kettleburn on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 5:00 pm in Office 301. Group Therapy schedule: To be determined."

Sirius shook his head at the piece of paper that had been left taped to the door of his room at the care facility. If anyone thought he was going to sit through a private "whiny bullshit pussy feeling" sharing fest once a week, they were highly optimistic, but if they thought it was going to happen three times a week, then he wanted some of whatever they were smoking.

He was about to throw the note in the trash when he saw an assistant Healer coming down the hall- a wizard in a blue robes with a large stack of parchment tucked under one arm. "Hello, Mr. Black, I'm here to help you find Office 301" the blonde-haired wizard called from a few steps down the hall.

"You know, that's actually quite alright. I'm sure I'll be able to find it on my own. I was just about to head that way." Sirius replied plastering a smile on his face.

"Actually, Mr. Black., I'm afraid that I will have to insist. Follow me this way, please" came the stern reply.

Sirius saluted the wizard and rolled his eyes before following after him doing his best imitation of a muggle soldier march.

Friday in the Common Room

Friday evening found Sirius Black sitting in the common room on the phone with Prongs and Moony.

"Padfoot, please explain this one more time" James requested in a puzzled tone.

"It's like this, Prongs, I think I Sirius Black have successfully managed to scare away all the Healers qualified for counseling on the summer staff" Sirius answered, not quite managing to keep the pride out of his voice.

"Sirius, that isn't a good thing!" Remus shouted glaring at James who seemed to have taken it into his head that it was some sort of accomplishment.

"C'mon, Moony. I have to hear how he managed to get rid of three professionals trained to deal with 'trouble cases.'" James replied grabbing the phone back from the other marauder.

Sirius smiled. "Well, the first one, you see was rather easy. You see, Kettleburn had a Swedish accent… and…"

"And?" James asked ignoring glares from Remus.

"Apparently, he didn't appreciate me answering every question in an imitation of The Swedish Chef."

James giggled. Remus rolled his eyes. "The next one?" he asked.

"I may or may not have released an army of gnomes into her office with orders to burn the witch."

"And that scared her off?" Lupin asked, surprised that someone trained to deal with teens could be so easily frightened.

"They may or may not have picked her up and started heading for the door."

James thought this was a hoot.

"And the last one?" Remus demanded, trying to ignore James' howls of laughter.

"Uh… Well, you see, Moony, my love….."

"Yes, Sirius Black, trouble-maker extraordinaire? " Remus asked tapping his foot.

"Moony, you say the sweetest things!" Sirius replied placing a hand over his heart and pretending to swoon.

"Getting past the love fest, tell me the last story!" James demanded grabbing the phone and cupping his hand over Remus' mouth which earned him a glare from the werewolf.

"I may have pretended to try and seduce him." Sirius answered as nonchalantly as possible.

"I'm afraid I'm going to need details" James replied, ignoring Remus' attempts to move his hand.

"Well, you see, I'd seen him before and he was the overly masculine kind. Always talking to some of the fellow 'inmates' about Quidditch and the female 'inmates' all have crushes on him and flexing his muscles. Seemed like a total berk to me. So, I thought I'd come up with something special for him."

"And?"

"I might have borrowed a dress and some makeup from a red-headed witch I'd meet here, gotten dolled up and waited for him in his office."

"Sirius Black…." said marauder heard his boyfriend growl, but he could hear his best friend wrestling for the phone, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaand?" the messy-haired trouble-maker asked.

"Sang Happy Birthday, Mr. President in the style of the late Marilyn Monroe while on his desk and shaking my um….bosom" Sirius replied sheepishly.

James was laughed loudly, before noting the murder in Remus' eyes.

"Uh, Pads, I think Moony wants to talk to you…. And possibly tear you limb from limb" he whispered.

"That bad, huh? I'm gonna miss you, Prongs" was the whispered reply.

"I think I'm going to miss you most of all, Scarecrow" James quoted before Remus seized the phone.

"Hi, darling wonderful boyfriend of mine" the irritated werewolf asked in his most sarcastic voice.

"Hello, handsome. Would you like to hear a song? Happy birthday, to you….." the dark-haired youth began to sing breathily before being interrupted.

"How the bloody gnome's-tail do you think you're going to get help there, if you keep scaring away all the qualified Healers?" Remus demanded to the marauder on the other end of the phone and glared at the marauder in the room with him before hissing, "And you can stop giggling. It encourages him."

"Well, Moony, I would cooperate, but they were all such pains."

"How do you know they're all pains? You scared them all away the first day!"

"I'm a very good judge of character." Sirius replied defensively.

"Pads, dear, you think McGonagall wants your body, the Giant Squid is out to get you and that Dumbledore is gay! You're a good judge of character, like I'm a ladies' man!" Remus answered.

"All true! And you could be a ladies' man if you would get your face out of a book. Have I told you lately that you have great legs?" Sirius asked, hoping to get the conversation off track.

"Sirius…." his boyfriend answered shaking his head.

"Look, Moony. I'm sure they'll come up with someone else and I'll play nice with the next one, okay?" Sirius said in an attempt to console him.

Monday in Shacklebolt's Office

"Hello, Sirius" the CIS agent said before sitting down across from the gray-eyed boy.

"So….. You're my counselor now, too?" Sirius asked with surprise.

"Therapist. It seems that you have managed to scare off the actually qualified counselors which leaves me as your best option currently" Shacklebolt replied sternly.

Sirius nodded.

"However, before we continue I think it would be prudent if I tell you a few things. #1: I don't care if you do an imitation of the entire cast of The Muppets, I will still be your therapist. #2: I don't care if you send in an entire army of hippogriffs, I received an O on my Care of Magical Creatures .T, I will still be your therapist. #3: I don't care if you cross-dress, but if you insist on using sexual harassment against me, I will have you removed from the session and I will still be your therapist. Any questions?"

"Bork. Bork. Bork?"

Shacklebolt stared him down.

Sirius suddenly realized that this CIS agent was veeery tall, broad-shouldered and not even slightly amused. "I mean, let's get started" Sirius amended with a cough.

Author's Note: I know this chapter is slightly shorter than average, but I wanted to begin the actual counseling sessions in the next one. My goal is to update within a week and a half. I would love reviews. They make me smile, even the short ones. If you have questions, I will answer them, just send them my way. P.S. If anyone has a request for a Sirius/Remus oneshot, not related to this fic, I would *love*for you to PM. them to me. (Smut-style requests welcomed.)