DISCLAIMER: I never own anything. What else is new? Kripke has the rights to everything, damn him.

SPOILERS: 5.02 'Good God, Y'all'

A/N: I'm in such a foul mood, and then the episode ended like that. Doesn't Kripke know his show is my pick-me-up? At least the bit with Cas was pretty sweet, though I'm going to have to readjust my grasp on that character I think… Man, I was so good at sappy-almost-friend Cas.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

He watched Sam drag his hand along the Impala and sucked in a sharp breath. It could be a long, long time before Sam touched that car again. If he ever did.

His brother had always wanted out of hunting, Yellow Eyes was dead, Lilith was… Yeah.

But now he was leaving. For an undetermined amount of time. Because the hell-bitch, the blood, the devil, because he thought it was all his fault and Dean had been glad to let him take the blame. He had his own burden that he hadn't told anyone about. Only Cas knew. So he let Sam carry the weight.

Those first few days he hadn't had the strength to step up, give his baby brother that little tidbit of knowledge that might make life after demon blood just a little easier. That one fact that might have kept Sam by his side.

And yeah, it cut like a fucking knife. He didn't want to let Sammy go, but he just couldn't hold on any more. But maybe he could make it just a bit easier for his baby brother. He spent twenty seven years looking out for Sam, and old habits die hard.

"Sam…" He called from the picnic table.

Sam turned, his bag rose and fell with his shoulders as he sighed.

"Just… If you're gonna be… Detoxing, or doing your own rehab or whatever… I just…" He licked his lips and looked away. Dean let out his own sigh, and blinked his eyes closed briefly, jaw clenched. "It's not your fault." His head swiveled back to look at Sam. "It's not your fault."

"Dean," he started.

"It's not." Dean cut him off and swallowed a breath, eyes getting watery. "When I was in Hell…" He scrubbed a hand down his face. All this time and he waited until now to say anything. "They wanted me there, Sam, because Dad didn't break."

Sam looked dumbfounded. "I don't… Understand."

"Lilith broke those seals however she wanted… But the last one was last. And the first…"

Sam was breathing hard, getting a little agitated. "I know how to put things in order, ok, I'm not…" He sighed. "Dean, please… What are you saying?"

"I'm saying first things first. You couldn't have done anything… If the first seal didn't break." Dean's lips trembled; he really didn't want to cry while his brother walked away. But he'd been holding onto this so long, and it was coming out and he'd have no one to go to with it. "They had to break it first. A man had to break the first one." He cleared his throat and looked briefly into Sam's eyes before turning his head away.

He heard a light huff of air leave his brother. Ssm's voice was soft and breathy, "Dean…"

Dean nodded and looked down at his hands. He wasn't after pity, he didn't want it, not from anyone, especially Sam. "Go." His voice was rough and husky with tears waiting to fall. "Get better."

"Dean."

"Go."

He never stood up from the table, but he watched his baby brother drive off with a stranger, no tears shed.

R&R. Thank you much.