Title: This Random Orc Woke Up Gay (1/1)

Author: Liz Huisman

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I think the majority would agree that it's a good think that the Tolkien Estate owns these characters, and not me.

Summary: See title.  Hee!

A/N: Thanks to the reviewer who mentioned this idea.  Sorry, I can't remember who it was, but thank you!  I thought it was a great idea, and I decided to run with it.  Enjoy!

P.S.:  New chapter in 'Sporadically Evil Sponges'!  I promise a new chapter in 'And the Angels Were Silent' all quick-like!

One disgustingly beautiful day in Middle-earth, Some Random Orc woke up gay.

He didn't know what the change was that had come over him all of a sudden, but he knew something was wrong when he thought of the day as 'disgustingly beautiful' instead of his usual 'horribly putrid'.

He was one of Saruman's Orcs, and proud of it, as they all were.  He had his enemies, foremost the Orcs of Sauron.  He did not like them one stinky bit, but today he was finding them rather attractive!

"Hey, stupid!" called one of his friends in the language of Mordor.  (The Author wishes it to be known that she does not know what language Saruman's Orcs spoke, but she will force them to speak the language of Mordor, because they are evil.)

"What are you staring at?" called another.

This Random Orc did not answer. 

"He's looking… no—staring at Sauron's smelly creatures!" called a third.  Roars of laugher followed.

This Random Orc laughed too.  "That's not it at all." (The Author wishes it to be known that she's trying her hardest to make these damn Orcs sound evil.  Probably not working altogether, but she's trying.)

"Then what is it, you Sauron-lover?"

Come to think of it… Sauron-lover sounds rather… um… disgustingly good right now.

"I am faithful to Saruman alone, you big foulbelly."

"My belly is not foul, you smellyears!"

There was a scuffle.  This Random Orc escaped to go off alone, and think horribly dirty thoughts about Sauron, Saruman, and Sauron's Orcs.

I'll show them that I'm not one to be messed with!

He took out his evil Orc blade, and went back to the main camp.  He found 'foulbelly' sitting with a large group of Orcs, drinking.

He snuck up behind, and drove the blade into 'foulbelly's' back, murdering him.  (The Author wishes it to be known that This Random Orc stabbed 'foulbelly' in the spine.  OKAY?  You nitpickers!)

"Hey, you stinkytoes!" called one, but was immediately beamed by another.

"Thank you!" some cried.

"He was getting too annoying for his own good!  Join us for some blood," said the Orc that beamed the one that called This Random Orc 'stinkytoes'.

This Random Orc sat down, and immediately started thinking even disgustingly nastier thoughts about that other Orc who beamed the Orc who called him 'stinkytoes'.

He looks morbidly delicious…

This Random Orc was a smart Orc, as Orcs go, and he decided that he had just woken up gay.  (The Author wishes it to be known that as much as she hates Orcs [bad Orcs!], she decided this one was smart.)

He's morbidly delicious-looking! 

I shouldn't be thinking that.

So? 

He's not morbidly delicious!

Saruman's pretty hot.

AGH!

Saruman's a hot little number.

AGH!

Or so his thoughts went.  This Random Orc was disgustingly happy as Orcs go, but nobody else was smart enough to see it.  So This Random Orc did not have to make his secret known.  For now…

Morbidly delicious!

END

(Yeesh… please tell me that I didn't write that.

I wrote that.  Oh well.  The almost-apology goes for this story too!)