PreProduction Meeting, a ben 10 fanfic

Pre-Production Meeting

By BenRG

Disclaimer

'Ben 10' and 'Ben 10 – Alien Force' were created by Man of Action for The Cartoon Network.

The author claims no ownership or rights over the copyrighted and trademarked entities portrayed herein. This is a not-for-profit fan story for free distribution through the world-wide web.

Author's Notes

Right you lot. See the genre information? 'Parody/Humour'. That means this is going to be OOC in places, occasionally insulting or smutty in a certain good natured way and will doubtless offend or surprise the humourless fan-boy and -girl.

The story will be Ben/Julie and Gwen/Kevin with detailed mention of a pre-existing and highly squick-worthy Ben/Gwen plus completely OT references to Gwen/Charmcaster weirdness. Don't like having a ship being called a 'duck' when it waddles and quacks? Well then, please don't read this.

On the other hand, if you like your humour anarchic and OOC with plenty of self-aware snarkiness, then this is the story for you.

Actually, I have to apologise in advance for this work, which was created whilst I was tossing and turning, trying to get back to sleep after being woken up at 3am this morning. Any deeply disturbing elements to this story can be largely blamed onto this key fact. That said, Man of Action has to take his own share of the blame. I mean… let's face it, what was he expecting? I recently saw the classic Ben 10 episode "Ben 10,000" and my mother, upon seeing Ben 10k and Gwendolyn said: "So, in the future, they're married, right?" She was quite surprised when I told her they were first cousins. :-p

Okay. Everyone ready? Then let's go.

Censor: M – Adult situations, off-colour humour and deviant personal habits discussed within

"Um… Mr. BenRG?"

*Sigh* Yes, Gwen?

"Uh… I've been reading the script and I'm really not entirely comfortable with my role."

Gwen, it's a parody okay? No one is going to take this seriously. You get to act out, behave like Ben on a sugar/caffeine high and generally let your hair down. You just need to go with the flow and enjoy yourself.

"Well… If you're sure about this."

Gwen, it's a mother-beautiful script. And it's going to work.

I hope.

Pre-Production Meeting

Bellview, California, USA. A fairly typical middle-American town of moderate size. There is absolutely nothing remotely interesting or unusual about this town whatsoever. Except for one key fact. It is the home of the teen superheroes known as Alien Force.

As we zoom into the town square this fine autumnal morning, we see our four principals standing near Kevin Levin's green-and-black Ford Mustang 1967 Hardtop. Gwen Tennyson, the ever-stunning and beautiful redheaded witch-goddess is leaning back on the side of the car, sipping a Smoothie. Ben Tennyson, the Hero of Heroes and possibly the last person you would ever imagine possessing a tool of the power of the Omnitrix, is playing on his GameGuy Two-Screen. Julie Yamamoto is playing with her bio-mechanical dog-blob-thing, Ship and Kevin Levin is in the shadows of an alleyway, working over little old ladies for their pension checks. Hey! You can take the punk out of the Big Apple, but you apparently can't take the Big Apple out of the punk!

Our four young heroes are not here because of some vile alien threat that needs to be fought. Oh no! They are here because the next season of their hit show, Ben 10 – Alien Forceis about to air and some things need to be sorted out before it does. For this reason, they are to meet a very special and important person. Even in the essentially god-free zone of American cartoons, this is a man who is, in a very real sense, their god.

(And whilst I'm on the subject, what's up with this 'no religion' thing anyway? Okay, it's a thorny topic but Ben and Gwen are Americans! The USA is one of the most religious nations on Earth and there is no indication that the two of them have even gone to Sunday School! Come to think of it, Gwen's a witch, right? Witchcraft is basically a very old European religion!

Okay, I guess Man of Action decided that he was in enough trouble with the heavy-handed hints of the 'Bwen' thing in the original show and decided that he didn't want to deal with the outraged Mothers of Middle America if Gwen suddenly started invoking the 'goddess' like Willow in 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. That said… there is definite lime story-telling potential to Gwen and Charmcaster meeting to do some ritual magic and Ben watching whilst hiding in a bush… that stuff is traditionally done nakedyou know! :D Of course they find him and… well…

Okay, back to your regularly scheduled story)

As our heroes look on (apart from Ben, who was fighting a Boss, and Kevin, who was doing all that stuff to people that he wasn't able to do in the Null Zone), a huge stretched Hummer Limousine pulls up. As should be expected, it is midnight black, has fully-tinted windows and has gold-plated spinning rims. A security guard gets out and, after scanning the square for threats, opens the door.

Out steps a figure in the purest white Armani business suit, surrounded by fawning attendants. One, seeing that his Master was about to step in a small puddle, throws himself on top of the muddy mess so that not a splash might reach the striding figure of power walking over to our heroes. This impressive display was all a bit wasted given that the guy in question was just five-feet tall, has a pot-belly, bottle-glass corrective lenses is nearly bald and slouches so much he looks like a hunchback. It is of course, Man of Action and these are his creations.

"Kevin! Stop selling smack to those kindergarteners and get your ass over here!" Gwen yelled over her shoulder. She then turned to her cousin and punched him on the shoulder. "Heads up, doofus!"

"Aw man, Gwen! What did you do that for? I almost had…" Ben looked up and saw his Creator approach and suddenly snapped to attention. "Er… morning Boss!"

Kevin walked over and instantly receives a slap upside the head from Gwen. "Ow! What was that for Red?"

"Inappropriate behaviour!" the fiery redhead snaps in response. "You're supposed to be a hero now!"

Kevin shrugs helplessly. "Hey! What do you expect? I spent five years, five of the normally most important formative years for emotional balance, in the Null Zone with no one but an alien psychopathic megalomaniac for company! Of course I've got issues and need to take out my anger and alienation on the weak and helpless! I'm a victim of society… OUCH!"

Julie raised an eyebrow from where she was still playing with Ship. "You know, if you keep on zapping that spot with an Anodite energy blast, Kevin will just get a callused spot and won't be able to feel it!"

Gwen shrugged. "Plenty more square inches of flesh to sear."

Man of Action (MoA) coughed impatiently and waited until he had enough attention from his creations so that he could begin the meeting. "Okay, people, thanks for coming out so early today. As you know, season three of B10AF is about to air."

"Woohoo! Go us!" Kevin pumped the air with his fist

"Num-bah-One! Num-bah-One!" Ben started prancing around, poking his forefingers into the air over his head.

"UNFORTUNATELY," MoA waited until the teens settled down before continuing. "Unfortunately, we've run into something of a problem in story-telling terms. It seems that some staff writer has decided that Ben and Gwen are one-quarter alien." MoA looked over as a large black panel van pulled up. A pair of grim-faced Plumbers disembarked and opened the back doors, letting out a small group of rather scared-looking scriptwriters. "Now, this in itself isn't necessarily a problem. However, the type of alien is a problem."

MoA pulled down his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose before pushing them back up again. "It turns out that Gwen has inherited the full and unfettered power of the Anodite species. They are energy-based life-forms, capable of absorbing and storing large amounts of 'manna', the fundamental energy of the universe, and then manifesting that energy in any way that can be directed by their will. Now, as I am sure Kevin and Ben will be glad to testify, Gwen has a lot of will. Therein lies our problem. Gwen is actually the most powerful of you lot by a comfortable margin. So powerful that she could probably go toe-to-toe with the Incredible Hulk or the Silver Surfer and win without breaking a nail." The Great One sighed and glared at the staff scriptwriters, who all clearly looked like they wanted to be elsewhere. "As things stand, Gwen is now powerful enough to essentially destroy the entire DNAlien and Highbreed threat by snapping her fingers."

"Really?" Gwen looked at her fingers. "Just by…?"

"Gwen? DON'T."

Gwen pouted and looked away in injured dignity. "Sor-RY!"

"So what's the problem?" Ben wanted to know. "My dweeb of a cousin is able to carry her own weight at last? Big deal! Let her do all the freak-fighting!"

"Yeah!" Kevin added. "That'll leave more time for us to spend partying!" The two teen boys exchanged a high-five with the cry of: "Dude!"

"Ben, you aren't thinking this through." MoA purred dangerously. "Think about it: If Gwen does all the hero work, what are you supposed to do?" Ben blinked in surprise, his face reflecting dismay. He hadn't thought of that. "You wouldn't be a 'Hero of Heroes' anymore. You'd just be a moderately-capable student with a cool alien wristwatch. You would even have to find a real job to support yourself in the future, rather than just mooch off the government for your services rendered as a superhero!"

Ben dropped to his knees, raised his fists to heaven and cried out. "NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Kevin smirked at his one-time Nemesis's despair but paled when MoA glared at him. "As for you, Kevin, you wouldn't be a one-time supervillain trying to find 'redemption' anymore. You'd just be the angst-ridden and emotionally-retarded drop-out boyfriend of a young woman with goddess-level superpowers and control issues. And I know that she's already starting on some weird dom/sub thing with you."

Kevin nearly jumped out of his skin when Gwen leered at him and made a gesture like she was cracking a whip. Like Ben, he dropped to his knees, raised his fists to heaven and cried out. "NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Gwen grinned at the two boys' reactions. "I don't know… 'Goddess Gwen' has a certain ring to it for a cartoon show."

"Don't be too sure," MoA said with a smirk. "If you saved the world all in one day, what would you do next? There are only so many random stories out there, you know. You'd be out of business very quickly, the victim of your own success. You'd be in the same situation as Ben, trying to find a mundane lifestyle to support yourself! It would be more like 'Working Housewife Gwen'."

Gwen joined the two male members of the team, dropped to her knees, raised her fists to heaven and cried out. "NNNOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"So," MoA continued, "we find ourselves in a quandary. We've established Gwen as an uber-powerful force, potentially able to win this secret war in one or two episodes. So, how do we save the series from a premature end?" The Creator sighed. "We should have just left her as a powerful trainee witch! Lots less complications!"

"Yeah!" a strait-jacketed and shackled Charmcaster screeched as two grim-faced Plumbers led her past. "She was fine as she was! And we had all the potential of that crypto-lesbian hate/lust thing between us! Why don't I ever get the girl?" The purple-clad supervillain began to sob in extravagant self-pity as she was led off to jail… again.

MoA stared after her for a while in shock before continuing. "Anyway, I think I have an idea. The survival of the show is now in your hands, Verdona."

Everyone's eyes swivelled to one side to the strangest thing you could ever hope to see – a silhouette of a beautiful woman outlined in magenta light with a sparkling long corona of magenta energy instead of hair. Smoking a long cigarette with the filter tip nipped off. MoA raised an eyebrow and pointed at the offending item.

"What?" Verdona said defensively. "It isn't as if I've got lungs to get cancer!"

"Grandma! Think of the children!" Gwen snapped.

"That's rich coming from you, little Ms Incest Lust Paedophile Pin-up!" Verdona threw her butt up into the air and vaporised it with a pink laser blast shot from a shapely fingertip.

MoA sighed, feeling yet another stress headache on the way. Suddenly, he regretted producing 'Ben 10' instead of his original idea 'The Cute Adventures of Fluffy and Scratchy'. Two animated kittens couldn't be this much trouble, could they? "Verdona, you are going to have to impose some weird, arbitrary 'Anodite Code' that stops Gwen from using her powers to their fullest extent."

Verdona raised an eyebrow… or would have if she had one. "My dear Boss, I don't think that there is such a thing."

"Why should I have to have artificial limits on my powers?" Gwen snapped, folding her arms and coincidentally pushing up her bust in a way that reminded all and sundry why she was considered to be one of the hottest girls in modern cartoons.

"The only alternative is for you to either be killed off or written out of the show, Gwen. Remember that they had to do the same to the character of Kes in 'Star Trek – Voyager'. Unfortunately, you have become a walking, talking deus ex machina and no show can survive such a thing." MoA sighed and put a hand on his prettiest creation's shoulder. "I know it sucks, but such is the unavoidable Law of TV Heroism. No character can be too powerful and be a regular."

"So… either I have limits placed on my powers or… or I have to go with Grandma back to the Anodite homeworld? Only to return as an occasional guest character?" Gwen sighed and looked up at a certain special someone, tears in her eyes. "I… I can't do that. I can't leave him." Kevin naturally realised that his putative girlfriend was staring at her cousin with those forlorn green eyes and responded as he always did to such slights. He stomped off in an angst-filled strop, bitterly swearing revenge on the whole world.

Verdona somehow managed not to laugh at the mortals' tribulations. "Okay, I know a priest/philosopher back home who might be able to help me throw something together," she agreed. "One condition." MoA raised a querying eyebrow. "If I do this, I get to flirt outrageously with my delicious grandson over there!"

Ben's eyes opened as wide as they could get and he made a shrill, soprano 'Eep!' noise.

Gwen wrinkled her nose in that cute way of hers. "Grandma! That's disgusting! What about Grandpa?"

Verdona shrugged and grinned in a fey manner. "Hey, I might be beyond flesh and blood, but a girl still has her needs. Don't get me wrong, dear. Max was fun whilst it lasted but he's kind of wrinkly now. Whilst Ben over there…?" Verdona's eyeless magenta gaze turned to Ben who was fixed to the spot like a bug pinned to a card, not sure whether to start screaming hysterically or just to run and never stop. "Well, he's young, handsome and, I suspect, very, very vigorous."

MoA rolled his eyes. "Okay, Verdona. You do this and I'll let you flirt with Ben in an innocent, mischievous way but no further."

Verdona pouted. "Since when were you a prude? You created a show that introduced the children of North America to pre-puberty incestuous lust!"

"Yeah, and that's why I had to introduce him!" MoA snapped in response, gesturing at the pouting Kevin. "Do you understand that hoops I've had to jump through to justify Gwen falling for a character who was her cousin's arch foe for a year? I was afraid I'd have to use the 'alternate reality' gambit to explain it away!"

Verdona laughed. "Are you sure I can't goose Ben once in a while?"

MoA glared. "Don't push it, lady. If you like, I can have you act as matchmaker for your grandkids' angst-filled abnormal romantic lives." Verdona shuddered delicately and shook her head. "Okay, on your way." There was a flash of magenta light a hint of vertical motion and the Anodite woman was gone.

MoA turned to the cowering script-writers. "In the meantime," he announced like the Voice of God declaring judgement, "we will have to prevent Gwen from accidentally ending the show… and our careers… several seasons early." The man suddenly whipped out a meat tenderiser mallet.

*WHACK* "Ow!"

"What the hell was that?" Julie blurted, realising that, after all the focus on Gwen, she was at last being allowed to do something.

MoA grinned "This, my dear, is the Mallet of Amnesia. These idiots will now not be able to remember that Gwen is effectively omnipotent and will simply treat her Anodite powers like they did her magic – flawed, unpredictable and limited. We can start acting as if those limits never existed after Verdona gets back with the Code."

"Ah! The wonders of the ret-con!" Julie murmured, impressed.

Ben walked over to his glum-looking cousin and put an arm around her shoulders. "Hey, I feel your pain," he murmured. "I've got arbitrary limits on my powers too, remember? I was just getting into my stride with my original aliens and than, BANG! I suddenly can't use them anymore! I'm back to figuring out ten completely new aliens' powers! It's like I was teleported back to the start of the original show to start all over again!"

Gwen managed a slight smile. "You're a dork," she said. "But I love you anyway. Thank you." She leaned over and gently kissed Ben on the cheek, thus spawning hundreds of incest-shipper lemons.

"Yeah, and about that," Ben called out to his Creator. "Look, we're starting a third season! Can't I have my original aliens back now?" The boy waved his arms in a distracted manner. "I was just working out how to get the best out of them and suddenly I'm told I can't use them anymore for some stupid reason? Well, the new guys have had their time in the spotlight and it's time to let the originals back into the game!"

MoA shook his head. "I'm sorry, Ben, but I can't do that."

"But… why?" Ben whined like he was ten again.

"Because your original aliens had reached their MMP."

"MMP?" Julie said in a confused tone of voice. "Isn't that… like the name of Ron Stoppable's super power? The Mystical Monkey Power?"

MoA snorted in amusement. "Yes, but in this context it means 'Maximum Merchandising Potential'. The simple fact is that we have sold all the action figures, cheap gimmick toys and computer games featuring Fourarms, Upgrade, Heatblast, et al that we can. The viewing public has a very short attention span, my friends, especially kids. We have to keep hitting them with new images and new characters or they'll get bored."

"So that is why you gave me those extra aliens later on during the original show?"

MoA smiled proudly like a teacher who had found unexpected depths in a dim pupil. "Yes, that's right Ben. I know that you got a lot out of Wildvine, Cannonbolt and the others and I'm sure you will get a lot out of your new team too." The Creator sighed. "Besides, our marketing people determined that one of your character's selling points was his 'Learner Goofiness'."

"My… what?"

"Simply put, one of the things that makes you interesting as a character is the process of your learning about your aliens and getting the most out of them in various situations. Unfortunately, you were getting a bit too comfortable with your original team, even with the extra forms we added later on. If we were going to keep your oh-so-marketable Learner status, we had to give you new aliens, and make the old ones unavailable, or…" MoA shuddered. "Either that or we would have had to go down the 'Smallville' route."

"Smallville route?" Kevin asked.

MoA nodded, his face twisted with distaste. "I would have hated to have written Ben as Clark Kent. 'Oh, woe is me! I have all these superpowers and I don't know how to use them properly, even though I have years of combat experience with them and a whole fortress of stored information that should tell me everything about them!' Ben is goofy enough without having to write him with a learning disorder!"

Kevin snorted. "I say he's got one anyway!"

"So says the guy who has a breakdown every time someone mentions his mom!" Ben spat back, sticking out his tongue at Kevin in an oh-so-mature fashion.

"We don't have a hidden fortress filled with knowledge about Ben's aliens!" Gwen protested. MoA pointed at Mount Rushmore. "Oh, yeah! I forgot about that place!"

"That's the rule of the game, my friends," MoA announced. "You renew or you stagnate. And on that note…" MoA walked over to an object covered in a dust sheet that a pair of Plumbers had just wheeled off the back of a pick-up truck. "Ben, your sixteenth birthday is this year and I've decided that we've milked the joke about you having to bum lifts from Kevin as far as we can. So… we've decided that, from this year, you're going to have your own ride!"

Ben was practically drooling as he ran over. "Cool! It's a bike, I can see that from here! Is it a Harley? A Ducatti?" MoA swept off the dust sheet to reveal… A BMW C1 scooter. "Oh man! It's a dweeb-mobile!"

Whilst Kevin, Gwen and Julie were busy laughing themselves inside out, Ben shot his Creator a look of profound betrayal. "Why?"

MoA, commendably, managed not to laugh at Ben's expression. "Goofy but heroic, remember? You are a 'comedic hero' character and, typically, you don't have cool tools to use. Cool vehicles, like Kevin's Mustang, are 'edgy' and reserved either for anti-heroes or out-and-out villains. Don't worry, the C1 is a tough and reliable machine. You'd be surprised how much abuse this thing will be able to take. Naturally, it is 'tricked out' with lots of Plumber sensors and weapons."

A very downcast Ben stared at the yellow-and-black town runabout for a while. "Okay," he said. "I can take the need to turn me back into a learner at the start of every new show. I can take the need to give me comedy vehicles and to make me behave like a dork so that I'm more accessible to the viewers. I'm going to take all this abuse on just one condition." MoA raised an eyebrow. Ben's hand shot out and he pointed at Julie. "I want to have more on-screen action with her."

"On-screen action?" MoA and Julie repeated simultaneously.

"I'm the hero, right? The title character? Yet the focus of the romantic subplot is this disgusting pity-sex thing Gwen has for Kevin!" Ben began to pace whilst Kevin stuttered, gaped and tried to catch Gwen's eye to get her to refute that 'pity' had anything to do with it. "Well, that's got to change. Now you've introduced a girlfriend character for me, even though she is no-where near as hot as Gwen, you've got to use her! We need to be seen going out together, hanging out, making out, the whole bit!"

Julie stood up, her pretty Asiatic face twisted with anger. "So, I'm not as hot as Gwen, eh? Sic 'im Ship!" The bio-mechanoid… thing… waddled over to Ben and proceeded to piss on his left trainer. Have you ever seen the effect of bio-mechanical urine on leather and rubber? It isn't pretty.

"Oh, man," Ben sighed, looking at the ensuing mess. "Julie, look, I'm sorry I put it that way. It's just…" the young man sighed. "Look, throughout the whole original show, they were setting up this 'kissing cousins' thing between me and Gwen. We went through a lot of bad times together and a guy and a gal get close when that happens. Then, they make this new show and, suddenly, they don't follow it up. We're back to being 'just good friends'! It was a wrench! Then, just to rub my nose in it, they bring back my dark mirror image there," here, Ben gestured at Kevin, "and make him my super-hot cousin's love interest! The hero is supposed to get the girl, you know! Not his mentally and emotionally damaged arch foe!"

MoA raised an eyebrow. "Hmm… I never knew you were so bitter about that, Ben! Very well, there will be more Ben/Julie scenes in the coming season. I might even write a 'Big Date' episode for you."

"YES!" Ben pumped the air with a fist and then turned to Julie. "Give me a kiss, hot-lips!"

Julie kicked Ben on the shins. "After all that talk about Gwen being 'super-hot', you are going to have to do a lot better than that Ben Tennyson!"

"OW! Oh man!" Ben rubbed his injury and thought quickly. Finally, he tried to adopt Kevin's 'adorable bad boy' smile and sauntered over to Julie. "Hey, sweetness," he purred. MoA noticed with surprise that Julie, Gwen and his PA had all blushed at Ben's tone. "I'm sorry. Gwen's special to me but so are you. You're beautiful in your own right, you know… Pretty, tough, brave and burning hot in your own unique way!" Ben grinned flirtatiously and stroked the side of Julie's face. "You'll forgive me?"

"Oh Ben…" Julie said with a sigh and a smile. "Okay, I'll let this one pass but if you call me 'Gwen' even once when we're together, I'll make you eat your bike!"

Ben winced. Kevin grinned maliciously. "Welcome to the club, man. She'll have your rocks off and hanging around your neck in no time!"

"Just like you, huh?" Ben spat at Kevin, who blushed and opened his mouth to deny it.

Gwen interrupted "Kevin, I need to get some fresh makeup today. Can you drive me to the mall?"

"Sure, Red!" Kevin said and then blushed in embarrassment. Gwen grinned in demonic triumph at so publicly establishing her dominance over her boyfriend.

"One thing, Ben," Julie decreed. "I'll go no further than second base with you." Ben made a whining noise of disbelief. "I mean it! And don't expect a home run until I see a ring on my finger!"

Gwen grinned and spoke in a sing-song tone. "Are you sure about that Julie? Trust me, you don't know what you are missing!"

"WHAT?!?" Kevin screeched whilst Ben blushed bright, fiery red. "What the fuck is that meant to mean Gwen Tennyson? You've put out for Ben and not ME?!?"

Julie's mouth dropped open and she glared daggers, first at Gwen and then at Ben. "Benjamin Maxwell Tennyson! Explain yourself!"

"Hey! It was just the once! And it was an accident!"

"An ACCIDENT?!?"

Gwen laughed. "In our defence, we were twelve, innocent, curious, on an adrenaline high after a pretty intense fight with the Forever Knights, and very ignorant."

"Ignorant?" Julie hissed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Ben ran a hand through his brown hair and shot Julie a chagrined look. "Our oh-so-hands-off parents delegated teaching me and Gwen the 'facts of life' to Grandpa Max. His attempt at explaining sex to us involved a puppet show using sock puppets. I don't know about Gwen but I didn't have the first freaking idea what he was talking about. At the time, I thought what we were doing was some kind of therapeutic stress-relief massage!" Ignored by the others, Kevin began to foam at the mouth and slowly collapsed at the side of his car, muttering inanities to himself.

Julie shot Gwen a dangerous glare. In all the years she had known the super-smart redhead, she had never been ignorant. Gwen looked at Julie with a completely innocent expression but the sparkling satisfaction in the other girl's eyes told Julie everything she needed to know. "Whatever!" Julie finally said, throwing her hands up into the air. "Nonetheless, no matter what experience you have… or think you may have… I am a 'wait until marriage' girl."

"And so you should be!" MoA said, re-inserting himself back into the flow of the conversation. "In any case, we won't be able to show anything too heavy beyond kissing and hugging. Certainly we wouldn't even be able to do more than vaguely imply a more… er… 'physical' relationship."

"Does that mean I'm not getting any?" Kevin whined.

"Yes, Kevin, that means that you're not getting any. Not on screen anyway."

Ignoring Kevin's pained shriek and total collapse into a foetal ball, Julie walked over to Gwen and got into the other girl's space. "Gwen, just how 'ignorant' were you?"

Gwen gulped. She might have the powers of a goddess but Julie had a temper to match her own. "Um… let's just say that I was curious, just on the cusp of puberty and that I was smart enough to beat any commercially-available parental content filter software in existence. So I had the whole Internet available to me."

Julie rolled her eyes. "You are a hentai, Gwen Tennyson."

Gwen shook her head. "You don't understand Julie. You won't understand until you've been on a lot more adventures with us. Death is always close at the door for the likes of us and…" Gwen sighed. "I wasn't going to die a virgin. It was simple as that." The redhead snorted in laughter. "It wasn't as if the 'men' in my life were going to take any initiative. I mean… look at them!"

Gwen gestured to Kevin, who had curled up into a little foetal ball beside the offside front tyre of his Mustang, varying between hugging himself and sucking his thumb whilst rocking backwards and forwards. The black-haired boy was muttering to himself in a high, childish tone of voice. "Mommy! Why did you leave mommy? Didn't you love me? Mommy! Please don't go! I'll be good! Mommy! Mommy!"

Gwen then gestured at Ben. The brown-haired 'Hero of Heroes' was trying… and failing… to grasp the mechanical complexities of opening a Hershey bar. After failing, he began to mercilessly beat himself over the head with the bar in an attempt to break the flexible packaging open.

Julie swallowed. "Can I swap for someone else?" she squeaked.

"Sorry, honey," Gwen sneered. "All the other guys are going to be one-dimensional fillers. All except the occasional handsome, charismatic hotties."

"We get handsome, charismatic hotties?" Julie asked, genuinely excited.

"Yeah, unfortunately they all turn out to be psychopathic super-villains in disguise who are just there to use us to get to Ben so they can kill us all and rule the world." Gwen paused thoughtfully before continuing. "They also occasionally try to enslave us to become their weapons in their plots, something that usually has pretty explicit non-con and hypno-bondage themes."

"Oh… pucky!" Julie spat. "Oh well, might as well make do!" The Asiatic girl looked at the redhead thoughtfully before turning her gaze to her boyfriend. "Is Ben… any good?"

Gwen blushed. "Well, understand that I don't have any frame of reference for comparison," she said. "Given that it was both of our first times, that he was totally ignorant and wasn't even fully aware of what he was doing…" Gwen paused and grinned. "Let's just say that you'll need some muscle relaxant massage oil so you can walk the next day!"

Julie went bright red and stepped away, thinking hard, her golden eyes sparkling with lust. "Ooo… kay," she said at last. "Boss?" MoA looked up from where he had been working on his Blackberry. "I'll do the dating thing with Ben. Heaven help me, I'll even be his regular love interest, whatever that involves. I have two conditions though."

"Conditions?"

"Firstly, I want a focus episode. I'll be the main character and POV throughout."

MoA nodded. "Done."

"Secondly, I want my own power."

MoA sighed. "I'm not sure that I…"

"I mean it!" Julie insisted. "You were the one who brought up Smallville! Well I won't be Lana Lang! I am not going to spend the rest of this show being kidnapped and either brainwashed to betray Ben or ending up being dangled over a vat of boiling acid in some stereotypical supervillain death-trap!" Julie slapped her fist into the palm of her other hand. "I have been at Judo and Kendo practice since I was five and I can look after myself! I just need something to bring the power differential down!"

"I don't know," MoA muttered. "I mean… you've already got the alien… dog… thing."

Julie sighed and looked down at Ship, who was rolling around in tight circles, babbling to itself in its usual brain-damaged way. "And he's okay as far as he goes but… well, he's a bit limited as he is!" Julie thought for a moment and then he brightened. "Hey! Ben told me that Ship is from Galvan-B, like one of his old aliens, Upgrade!" MoA nodded. "Well, maybe he can 'upgrade' me! Form around me like a suit of bio-mechanical armour and let me guide his powers!" Julie looked at the occasionally seemingly-mindless Galvan animal for a moment. "He's a bit small… maybe just initially covering an arm and my chest. Give me energy and bladed weapons coming out of the armour."

MoA sighed. "I don't know, Julie. I'm really not comfortable with ripping off Kisdota the Freak Gamer's idea."

Ben snorted. "Hey, it isn't as if you haven't already ripped off the whole 'Gwevin' thing from the fandom already both in general and in specifics! That stuff even predates Alien Force!"

MoA had to acknowledge that point. "Alright, Julie. I'll see what I can do but no promises."

"Great! Thanks for your help Ben!" Julie glomped Ben and laid a man-killer of a kiss on his lips. "Just one more thing," Julie said. Ben nodded with a dazed, happy expression. At this point, he'd agree to donate a kidney if Julie promised to kiss him like that again! "I don't do Xeno. Don't you even think of trying to make out with me in one of your alien forms!"

"Oh, Julie!" Gwen called out mockingly. "You haven't lived until you've done Wildmutt… or Wildvine… or bondage with Benmummy… or all those Dittos!"

"WHAT?!?" Kevin had only just stood up after his traumatic flashback episode. Now he tore at his hair, jerked like he was having a fit and then tucked himself up into a ball and began sucking his thumb again.

"NOW WHAT?" Julie screeched. She stormed over to Gwen. "Look, bitch, is there any other sexual escapades with my alleged boyfriend you want to tell me about?"

Gwen patted Julie on the shoulder in a patronising way. "Now, now, honey, I was only kidding," she said. "Like I said, I was, young, curious and had a great imagination." She blushed. "Those stories I wrote during those lonely, cold nights in the Rustbucket have helped me… er… 'get in the mood' for years!" Gwen there and then swore that she would never tell Julie that those stories were also the scripts for how she intended to celebrate her and Ben's eighteenth birthday after all the other party-goers were gone.

"She even fantasises about doing him!" Kevin wailed. He began to bang his head against his car's door panel and weep piteously. "Mommy, I want to go home! Mommy, I want to go home! Mommy, I want to go home!"

MoA sighed as he looked at the mess that was the show's anti-hero. "Gwen, will you please stop traumatising Kevin?"

Gwen pouted. "Hey, there is only so much fun you can have with a stoic, self-obsessed ex-villain 'trying to regain his honour'. Sometimes I feel like Katara in some crazy, cliché Zutara fanfiction!" MoA glared at Gwen, who sighed. She knelt down next to Kevin began to stroke his face tenderly. "Kevin? Kevin, honey? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you!"

"Have… have the bad images gone away?" Kevin whimpered.

Gwen gave her best reassuring smile. "They've gone away, Kevin. You're safe with me." She wrapped her arms around Kevin's neck and pulled her boyfriend into a hug, pressing his face into her cleavage as she did so, making him squeak with surprise and delight.

After a moment, Kevin relaxed and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Thank you, Mommy," he murmured. Julie winced, Gwen grimaced and MoA had to poke Ben to stop him laughing aloud.

"Mr. Action?" MoA looked at his PA who held up her Blackberry. "We've just had a call from the office, sir! The American Civil Union for Family Values has issued an indecency lawsuit against us! Do you want to handle it the usual way?" MoA nodded. His PA dialled a number on her Blackberry and waited until her call was answered. "Mr. Vilgax? It's Penny from the production office. We have a 'cease and desist' job for you…"

MoA smoothed his shining white suit. "Well, as you can hear, I've got lots of things to do back at the office. Unless there is anything else?" The four members of Alien Force shook their heads urgently. They had already got enough abuse, trauma and humiliation for one day. "In that case, I'll bid you farewell. Thanks for your time and good luck with season three!"

Ben and his friends watched as the stretched Hummer limousine drove away. For a while, the only sound was the noise of the two Plumbers loading unconscious scriptwriters into their black panel van. Kevin's watch bleeped at him. "Hey! It's eight! We need to get to school!"

"Right!" Ben said. "As I've got my new wheels, how about a race? Last ones there have to buy lunch for the others for the rest of the week!"

Kevin looked at Ben's C1 and snorted. "Okay, man, if you have the cash to spare! I have a powerful appetite this week!"

"Ben!" Julie hissed. "There's no way you can beat Kevin's muscle car on that… lawnmower!"

Ben grinned. "Au contraire, honey-lips! I might not be able to use them in the show, but I've still got them!" Ben activated the Omnitrix's control wheel and rotated it to select a form. He slapped his palm down to begin transforming. There was a flash of green light and Ben was replaced by what looked like a humanoid shaped sheet with a black 'head' and 'arms' covered with green circuitry. "Upgrade! Okay, let's see what this baby can do!" Upgrade slid forwards and covered the C1. The scooter shifted and changed until it was an Upgrade-coloured super-bike reminiscent of the 'lightcycle' from the movie Tron. "Okay, Julie! Let's go!" Upgrade called out in his electronically-filtered voice.

Julie hopped onto the bike with a nervous laugh. The canopy slid shut over her and, with a squeal of tires and a scream of gas turbines, the upgraded scooter peeled out of the town square, clearing planning on doing the journey to school at a triple-figure speed.

"That rat! I knew he'd cheat!" Gwen spat. "Come on, Kevin! Let's go! If we keep blocking him, the Omnitrix will time out and we can beat him easily!" Kevin hesitated, looking at Gwen in a weird way. "Kevin! I said, let's go!" Gwen practically dived into Kevin's car.

Kevin shook himself and clambered into the driver's seat. "Y… Yes, Mommy… I… I mean Red…!"

Gwen shook her head. "That's a good Pet," she sighed.

The green-and-black car peeled out of the square too, leaving the two Plumbers alone to their duties. They loaded the unconscious scriptwriters and looked around the square, wondering if, this year the town would finally experience an apocalyptic Final Battle. Whether any of this would even be standing by the start of Season 4.

Of course, the answer to that question was in someone else's hands.

The End

Suddenly, the 'The End' sign is blasted into flaming tatters by a magenta energy blast.

"Hey! You can't end this here!"

Why not, Gwen? It is, as the saying goes 'all she wrote'!

"You can't! You made me look like a slutty, catty bitch with Julie and Kevin! I'd never be that mean!"

Gwen, you are a fifteen- going sixteen-year-old girl. One with unresolved incestuous feelings towards your cousin. Of course you'd be mean towards his new girlfriend! Now hush!

"Yeah, well what about Kevin?"

He's the comedy sidekick. It's his job to be generally traumatised and treated like dirt. Given the fact that he is your boyfriend and your character is defined by her controlling, dominant personality… Well, I think that grinding his nose into the dirt is in-character, don't you?

"Well…"

Now hush. The story is over.

"But I'm not a slut! How could you make out that Ben and I…?"

Gwen. Three words: 'Lucky Girl Costume'. You were nearly a paedophile's fantasy come true. Please don't tell me that you didn't already have a very keen understanding of your own sexuality even then. Now, hush.

"You're being mean! I'm not really that bad!"

*Sigh* I warned you that this was a parody. Now hush and I might write that lemon with the Ben/Charmcaster/Julie/Gwen foursome.

"Oh! Wow! That would be…! Wow! I wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week!"

I knew you'd be impressed. Now HUSH.

The End
(And this time, I mean it)

Afterword

There. I feel better after getting that out of my system. All in good humour, so I hope that no one was too offended. Might be a while before Gwen forgives me, though, let alone Kevin! :D

This was my first foray into Ben 10 fanfiction. Let me know what you think. I've got a few other ideas for the Ben 10 universe, so we'll see whether I can make anything of them! Particularly, I'm thinking of a multi-crossover of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Ben 10, Kim Possible, Danny Phantom, American Dragon and Juniper Lee. Working title: The League of Extraordinary Youths.