Phew, I haven't wrote any OkiKagu for a while. This was from a theme on the Muse Board on DA's OkiKagu club. Come join in on the event if you'd like. (cough, self pimping club, cough) Enjoy.

'Till Death Do Us Part

The apocalypse has arrived. The sun has exploded. Pigs have grown wings and the Amanto are finally leaving this God forsaken planet to graciously give it back to the samurai.

Of course- none of this was really true. In Gintoki's mind, however, any of those were a lot more believable (and better) than what was before his eyes.

Kagura. Kagura-chan. Chan!

Which was the confirmed suffix to make her younger and smaller and more inferior to him! And while the freeloader still found it hard to convince others as well as himself, that Kagura should be treated as his little sister despite her tendencies to pick up gas tanks with ease, there was no way he could deny this.

"Oi! Oi, Gin-chan!"

He was too far into contemplating whether he should give his dear ole' Kagura-chan a little accidental push down a staircase- (of course with only affection and good intentions in mind), to hear her yelling at him. When the metal rung against his skull right before the pain kicked in, Gintoki cursed.

"What?"

"Where's the rest of my sukonbu, idiot!"

"Kagura-chan, maybe you should calm down-"

Shinpachi failed in trying to calm the fertilized beast before Gintoki stepped in, "Shouldn't you be eating ice cream or something like normal women? You hear me? YOU are not normal!"

"Well YOU are going to be DEAD if you do not get me more of this and anyhow, YOU are supposed to SPOIL the fat woman, do you hear! SPOIL THE CUTE EXPECTING WIFE, YOU BASTARD!"

"First of all, you are NOT cute and second, you are NOT my misery- I mean, wife! Why don't you tell the bastard that plugged you to feed you, you damn nanopet!"

"You might wanna take that back, Danna. My sword seems to have found its tip at the crack of your ass."

Catching the unfazed tone behind him, Gintoki spun around, shielding his ass with his palms and facing the previously dubbed "plugger."

"Oi. Do something about your woman here! She's yours, isn't she?"

Ignoring Gintoki's plea, Sougo narrowed his eyes, calmly sheathed his sword and looked around.

"A woman? Hmm, that's odd. All I see is a rather large alien with the boobs of-"

"I'll fuckin' body you, you sadist!"

Kagura attempted to charge at him, her bulging belly acting as a weapon rather than a handicap before Shinpachi rushed to hold her back.

"You're supposed to take it easy, Kagura-chan!"

"Let me go, Pachi. Husbands need to be trained!"

Growling like a deranged animal, the Shinsengumi captain approached the girl, shoving a grocery bag into her face and muffling her profanity.

"Oi, China. You're supposed to be a host when you have your own house- one that you're not even paying for. So be a good slave and get something to drink for our guests."

Shinpachi released her to awkwardly stumble into Sougo's arms. Unfazed, the sadist spun her around to lead her away from the porch and into the house. With his hands gently pushing her back, it was easy to prevent the wobbling woman from trying to bite him. When they reached the kitchen, he placed two mugs on the counter.

"These things are not only good for breast armor, but you can put drinks in them too."

"Why you-"

Before she could react, the man gestured to the grocery bad again. Accepting the bag warily, Kagura looked inside, her eyes glowing and her smile returning. Her cheeks were red. Even at this point, some parts of her remained innocent- as hard to believe as that was.

"My sukonbu! I- I mean- good job, Sadist! I trained you well! Oww!"

"Oops, my hand slipped."

"You're not supposed to hit your pregnant wife! I'm gonna castrate you and call the cops!"

"I think you'd get arrested instead?"

"No, because I'm cute, and I have a baby in me! I'm the victim of an abusive relationship!"

"And you will also be homeless because Danna can't feed another mouth like yours, hungry hippo."

"Abuse! Abuse, I say! Gin-chan, save me-"

Before she could yell too loudly, her words were cut off when she felt a pair of lips roughly smother her forehead. She cringed at the wet spot left on her skin.

"Couldn't you do that a little gentler, you know, like you mean it?"

"Lunch break's over, China doll. Go be a good host while I'm gone or I might accidentally drop the cookies you wanted into the sewers on the way home."

China doll. He began calling her that shortly after their marriage. Said when she slept, compared to her rabid bouncing off the walls during the daytime, she looked too still when she was dreaming.

Like a doll. China doll.

He only dubbed her with this moniker in the privacy of their home. He claimed that PDA from other couples made him want to vomit on their shoes.

He always nagged her, "Unless you want dirty shoes, we should stay at least five feet apart in consideration for the other people around us."

Of course this statement was made with the assumption that amongst these other people, there may or may not be some as sadistic and violent as them – and if by some rare chance there were others of their breed, these people would cheerfully commit a gruesome act such as vomiting on a happy couples' shoes.

Funny thing though - Kagura could not recall either of them ever referring to themselves as a "happy couple," or anything remotely close in meaning. So what was the danger if they were not the targets with the most risk?

Kagura knew though. It was just one of those stupid man pride excuses. She kicked him really hard when he tried to pull the five feet rule. He had to use a crutch for a week.

"Fine."

Holding her pout until Sougo was out of sight, the girl turned back towards the mugs. With newfound inspiration, Kagura opened the refrigerator and reached for the bottle of laxatives.

"Heh heh, fine. I'll be a very good host for Gin-chan."

"K-Kagura-chan. I'm gonna oh- kill you in the morning-"

"One step at a time, Gin-chan. Almost there."

One hour already and there were only halfway to the Yorozuya office from the Okita residence. The walk should have taken twenty minutes at most, thirty if they were making leisurely stops. Now Shinpachi kept a groaning Gintoki upright as he grabbed at his burbling stomach. Every few minutes, the samurai had to find the nearest restaurant or alleyway to take a most painful dump. The protests of his stomach acid and churning intestines made his sentences incoherent.

"I s-swear, what did she- what did she put in that shi-"

Oh, it hurt too much to say it.

"Well, whatever it was, I imagine it had to be strong enough to work on the system of a Yato."

"-I'll kill her, I'll- hey! Hey, you!"

By awkward chance, the husband of said premeditated murder victim, claimed by Gintoki, was casually strolling the opposite way towards the house.

"Yo," Sougo saluted, a grim smirk brewing as he eyes the hunched samurai.

"Kagura-chan- tell her, I'm gonna g-get her!"

The Captain arched a brow and Shinpachi filled in the blanks.

"Kagura-chan put something in his drink."

"Y-yeah, that's why I'm gonna- gonna- shit, Pachi, where's a trash can?"

Pachi pointed and Gintoki ran full speed into an alleyway so dark, not even the white of his head was visible.

"All right, I'm heading home."

Before the man could walk past, Shinapchi couldn't help but take notice of the tatter and rip of the Shinsengumi member's uniform.

"Hard day on the job?"

Sougo did not answer.

Sensing something worse than Gin-chan's diarrhea coming soon, Shinpachi wanted to stop him, but putting a hand on this guy was not a wise idea. As if thinking his very thoughts, Gin shouted from within the alleyway.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to bring your work home? Oi! You- you hear me!"

The Sadist continued to ignore them and walked onward.

"Oi! You just wait 'till I wipe my ass- we're gonna talk about- oh- oh…"

The threat was never pursued and Okita Sougo vanished into the rush hour crowds, concealing the blood on his waist with his jacket.

When Kagura felt the familiar vibration of another person in her futon, she grumbled with little protest. She was sitting up in bed - a sign that she had waited for her husband, who more often than not, came home from work late these days.

The man could make out the roundness of her ankles and the way she arched forward into a pudgy ball. Every time he caught her sitting up, Kagura would blame it on her randomly artificial disorder which seemingly caused her to suffer a most claustrophobic fear of lying down because her legs might not work in the morning.

Being the wonderful husband that he is, Sougo was always eager to comfort these fears by promising to get her a very useful job of being the police siren on the roof of his vehicle while he drove her around. For some reason, this never really amused her.

Kagura didn't protest when the figure settled behind her, cradling her swollen body in his arms as he continued to act like a man he'd never admit to being when she was wide awake. Drawing back her hair, he was about to kiss his tiny, mischievous wife over her cheekbone before something else caught his attention.

Eyes dilated like a jaguar right before its catch, lying wait in the brushes, Sougo stared across the house through their open shoji screen.

"You think I was going to let you get away with it? Shinsengumi," the assailant spat from the shadows.

The Captain drew his sword from its scabbard, careful not to stir his sleeping wife still relaxed against his thorax.

"Touch her and I'll kill you- although I'm gonna kill you anyway."

The masked man revealed himself with a grin aimed at the very bulge Okita's protective arm was shielding.

Before the bandit could finish a comeback, Sougo was up faster than the speed of sound. His weapon ran through his enemy's body, a sick rip of flesh fanning blood spatter across the floors before the Captain's voice finally kicked in.

"Look what you've done. Now I have to clean the floors."

The body fell to the mats with a heavy thud. Kagura was still sound asleep.

It wasn't long before a familiar set of rushing footfall reached outside a second too late. The shoji door slammed open, a concerned samurai still blue in the face from his bowel troubles, and Shinpachi behind him.

"Oh- gross-"

Sougo hushed the pair, gesturing to the slumbering woman in the futon, mumbling in her dreams - something along the lines of ice cream and socks?

"Gee, Danna, it's a bit late for company. You should have let me know ahead of time. Kagura probably ate all the snacks," Okita huffed with his usual nonchalance as he scratched behind his ear.

A knowing glare was thrown at him by the pair of Yorozuya men who he knew had only ran here in concern for their previously owned pet- err, co-worker. Now that the threat had been eliminated, and they were at the door gawking at the aftermath of Okita's butchery skills, things were awkward.

Sighing in defeat, Gintoki whined, "Where's your bathroom?"

The captain pointed and Gin went off, taking care to ruffle Kagura's head a bit before he turned the corner down the hall. Shinpachi's cheeks were inflated, either with oncoming vomit or he was just practicing how to be a merman.

"Watch the beast. If she wakes, hit her with something."

"W-what?"

Sougo smirked and moved to clean the mess. A wife that wakes up to a sloppy home is a bitch for the rest of the day. A wife that happens to be Kagura will dip all his underwear into poison ivy plants for making her bend with the extra weight on her torso.

Ah, the joys of marriage. He still hadn't quite recovered from that itch a few weeks ago…

"Oi! Oi, husband!"

"I have a name on our marriage certificate, you know."

"Sadist! Where's the cookies you said you were gonna bring me?"

Shit. Didn't get to buy them.

"Dropped 'em in the sewers for the rats with low blood sugar."

"You bastard! You said you'd bring 'em if I was a good host for Gin-chan!"

Okita grinned, unintentionally squeezing the cut on his waist before flicking the pouting Kagura on her forehead.

"You gave Danna the shits. That's not being a good host."

"What? I hear colon cleansing is good for you!"

"Oh, look at the time. Time to sleep by the docks- I mean, patrol by the docks-"

"Are you coming home early?"

"Most likely."

"Since when?"

"Because I finally killed Hijikata and now that I'm the new Vice Captain, I can make my own schedule."

"Liar," the Yato girl mumbled, eyeing the very injury that her husband had attempted and failed to hide. "I keep track of what I do to you, so that wasn't me."

"It's nothing and why the hell would you keep track of that?"

"In case you get mysterious injuries you can't explain- that means you're cheating on me."

"I don't know what gave you the idea that I enjoyed the broken bones you give me enough to want more from someone else."

"Same reason why you enjoy dropping things in front of me and going, 'Oh, no, look what I've done and I can't pick it up,' and you laugh as you watch me try to squat with this thing in me! And then you drop it again!"

"It's all out of love- no, you're right. That's not it."

Sincerely offended from his comment on love, the woman gasped and turned sharply. Before she could escape, the Captain caught her shoulders into his embrace.

"I'll be home later and I'll take you to buy cookies-

China doll…"

Still angry, she pinched his chin, "When this thing comes out of me, I'm going to kill you for all the things you annoyed me with when I couldn't do anything about it."

Okita Sougo gave his wife a meaningful kiss in which she accepted and apparently forgave him. As he parted to get to work, he turned back to lend her a devious wink.

"'Till death do us part, remember? And I'll make sure you die first."

-Fin-