Author's note: I suppose I should now call this Shakespeare's Advent Children Complete. Act I has been updated, with a new scene in the Northern Crater that includes a sonnet for Sephiroth, and a proper cast list. I hope to finish the whole thing in about a month. I would warmly welcome any feedback on: places where it doesn't make sense (well, you know what I mean); places where the pacing drags; lines that don't scan; suggestions for scenes, speeches, sonnets etc... Some jokes are intentionally lame, or, as one might say, iambic.

ADVENT CHILDREN, COMPLEAT

Or

Don't Dilly-Dally On the Way

Or

All's Well That Ends At All

Or

Srsly, Whatever

. *** .

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

.

The House of Shinra

Rufus Shinra. Lord of Midgar

Reno, Rude, Tseng, Elena. Servants to Rufus

.

The House of Jenova

Sephiroth. A demi-god

Kadaj. A remnant

Loz and Yazoo. Siblings to Kadaj

.

Avalanche

Cloud Strife. A delivery boy

Tifa Lockheart. A barmaid

Marlene. The Fair Maid of Edge

Denzel . An orphan

Friends to Cloud and Tifa:

Barret Wallace. The Moor of Corel

Cid Highwind. A pilot

Yuffie Kisaragi. A princess of the House of Godo

Red XIII. A marvellous beaste

Vincent Valentine. A marksman

Zack and Aerith. Spirits

.

Master Wool-Cap. A denizen of Edge

Citizens, children, plague victims, rude mechanics, monsters, etc….

.

THE PROLOGUE

.

Enter Marlene

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Marlene

The Lifestream, which doth circle our dear Planet,

Wherein all life both issues and returns

Was once abused and sucked upon for profit

By Shinra – O, will mankind never learn? –

And to defend their int'rests, they created

A SOLDIER, who, on learning of his birth,

First Shinra, and then everything he hated,

He sought to cleanse, by fire, from this Earth.

Then AVALANCHE, the heroes, came to fight him

And by their love and courage saved the world.

Yet even they our darkness could not lighten

And now a worse affliction has unfurled.

Salvation still eludes us, hearts are fraught:

The Planet is much madder than we thought.

.

Exit

.

.

ACT I

Scene 1,The Northern Crater

Alarums, drums, Latin chanting.

Enter Sephiroth.

.

Sephiroth

Now is the winter of my discontent

Warming to springtime, thus to bud anew.

Long and cold hath been my banishment,

Yet while I slept within the earth, I grew

Three ripening shoots of malice, three bad seeds

Sprigs of the poisoned tree, whose roots do lie

Entwined so deep, so like th'entrenched weeds,

That twenty times be plucked yet ne'er do die,

But, greedy still, suck on the stream of life.

This planet's rock's my bones, my flesh its earth.

I shall return to deal with thee, Cloud Strife,

For Mother is contriving my rebirth!

Until that day, I send to do my will

Three ill-begot, by whom shall all go ill.

.

Exit; enter Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz

.

All

Fair is foul and foul is fair

But it's never a bad thing

To have pretty hair.

.

Kadaj

Appearances can be deceiving;

Seeing need not mean believing.

.

Yazoo

Put faith in neither ears nor eyes

For falsehoods come in true disguise.

.

Loz

Mother's head is somewhere here:

I can feel it's very near.

.

Enter Tseng, Elena

.

But who are those people there?

I do not like the suits they wear.

I do not like the guns they bear.

I do not like their narrow ties.

I do not like their steely eyes.

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Kadaj

Let's kill them.

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Tseng

Stand not upon ceremony, Reno

But bring down the chopper here. Swiftly now!

.

Enter Reno.

.

Elena

Take this, and bear it hence without delay.

To our poor master. Danger approacheth!

.

Exit Reno.

Exeunt Tseng and Elena, pursued by Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo.

.

.

Scene 2, Healen Lodge

.

Enter Rufus Shinra

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Rufus

Behold me, captain once of industry,

President of a mighty corporation,

Most powerful, and richest, man on earth,

Reduced to a pathetic crippled wretch.

A hideous black stigma, a foul curse

Corrupts my skin and turns my blood to tar

And wracks my tender bones with such pure torment

I beg for pity from the brazen sky.

They call it Geostigma; there's no cure.

And many thousands round me suffer too,

And daily die, alone, abused, abandoned

By those whose love is overset by fear.

Will I, too, sit meekly in my wheelchair,

And wait for fate to rot me from within?

I say I will not; therefore have I sent

Some loyal servants of my company

To seek the root and source of this fell evil:

Jenova's head, from whence springs all our woes.

From those same alien cells, which once we used

To breed forbidden monsters in our labs

The Shinra Corporation will devise

A wondrous drug, the needed remedy:

To thus put right the wrongs which we have done.

And now good cheer: I see they do return.

.

Enter Rude and Reno

.

Well met, my friends, I trust you bring me joy?

And where are Tseng and Laney? You don't speak?

Yet in your hands, good Reno, I espy

A treasure box that urges me to hope.

Come, come. Still mute? Now, tell me - what's the news?

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Reno

I know not, yo, how best I may unfold

The sorrow and the gladness that we bear.

We have Jenova's head, my lord, right here

But Tseng and sweet Elena, they are lost.

.

Rufus

Lost? Pronounce it not! My Tseng? And Laney?

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Rude

Alas, my lord.

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Reno

T'was in the Northern Crater, as you thought

But when I flew the chopper down to fetch

My master and the rookie from the cave,

Who had between them found the thing we sought,

Three youths in leather clad, with silver hair

Attacked with unprovoked ferocity.

Then did Tseng bid us grab the head and flee.

.

Rufus

You did not see them die? Fair hope yet lives.

Take me within.

.

Reno

I prithee, sir, forbear

To use such saucey words of double meaning.

The audience might get the wrong idea.

.

.

Scene 2. Seventh Heaven, a bar in Edge

.

a phone rings

enter Tifa

Tifa

What irony! That phone does not stop ringing

The callers seek a man who is not here.

And if I only knew the place to find him,

I would not be here either. Marlene, ho!

.

Marlene

I'm busy right now looking after Denzel.

His Geostigma's really bad today.

.

Tifa: All right, sweetie, I'll answer it myself.

Hullo? Oh, yes, I do remember you.

The red-haired sexy slob, the one who dropped

The seventh plate of Midgar on the slums

And wiped out countless innocent dear souls

And crushed my bar, my friends, my joy, my home.

How you been doin'? Cloud? No, he's not here.

I'll leave him a voice message, say you called.

Drop round for a drink some time, why don't you?

.

.

SCENE 3. A blasted heath

.

Enter Cloud

.

Cloud

Though restless motion cannot bring relief

From leaden guilt that weighs my stricken soul

And dogs my footsteps like a hungry wolf

Gnawing on my shackled, sinful heart,

Yet still I – Oh, I have a message.

'Tis Tifa! More guilt! Guilt everywhere I turn!

She bids me make all haste to Healen Lodge

Where work awaits this blonde delivery boy.

.

Noises off

.

What, ho? Who are you, you there? Show yourselves.

.

Enter Loz, Yazoo, and Kadaj

.

Kadaj

Ah, at last we find our long-lost brother.

.

Loz

It's that man there, all dressed in black?

We want our mummy! Give her back!.

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Yazoo

Cease thy sniveling, Loz, thou puling babe.

.

Cloud

I know not who you are, and what you say

Doth make no sense to my perplexed ears.

You look strangely familiar, but who

You remind me of I cannot recall.

I am in haste on an urgent errand.

And you are in my way. Therefore, begone!

.

They fight.

Exeunt Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo.

.

Cloud

As suddenly as they appeared, they go.

And I must go to Healen Lodge. Healen!

How easily that word trips from my tongue.

Would that it could be gained with equal ease.

Healen, aye. And 'tis Healing that I seek.

And the ailing world doth seek it with me,

That healing that is nowhere to be found.

Unhealed, swift-heeled, I go in search of Healen.

.

Exit Cloud

.

.

SCENE 4. Healen Lodge

Enter Cloud and Reno

.

Reno

Hail, Cloud, and 'tis a long time no see, and indeed we have been waiting a long time, a pretty time, to see thee, for thou hast taken thy time, thou pretty piece of flesh, zo to. And therefore may I well say hail cloud, for thou art like the hail that falleth from the gloomy emo clouds and breaketh things and hitteth my head and generally giveth me a real downer, yo.

.

Cloud

Is't me, or dost thou speak passing strangely?

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Reno

The most useful thing, zo, about having

An idiosyncratic speech pattern

Is that I can insert a few extra

Syllables whenever I need to, yo.

.

Cloud

I stay not to bandy words with thee, fool.

Be off with thee. And leave Tifa alone.

.

Reno

Like thou'dst know what to do with her.

exit Reno, sprawling (but not sorry)

.

enter Rude

.

Rude

… … … … … … … … … Cloud.

.

Cloud

Someone who talks sense at last! Rude, tell me:

Who summoned me here and for what purpose?

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Rude

Behold, he comes.

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Reno (off)

Watch what thou sayest!

.

Enter Rufus Shinra

.

Rufus

I see thou hast not lost thy touch, for thou

Fightest like the SOLDER thou once claimed to be.

.

Cloud

Rufus Shinra! Do I feel sorry for

You! You're alive, but you must be poor now.

.

Rufus

Surprisingly, I'm still a wealthy man.

This scene could get quite long, so I'll be brief.

Sephiroth, the nightmare Shinra SOLDIER,

Who slew my father, and burnt down thy town,

And killed that cute chick Tseng was crushing on,

And summoned Meteor to wreck the planet;

The one whom thou hast slain two times already,

Lives yet within the Lifestream, seeks revenge,

Poisons all life, causes Geostigma.

And therefore do I need a bodyguard,

While I right the wrongs that I wrought this world.

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Cloud

Methinks you do not tell me everything.

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Rufus

I would never lie to an old comrade.

.

Cloud

I know you for the very prince of liars, I!

What of 'mother', Rufus? What of silver

-haired, leather-clad, androgynous young men

on motorbikes?

.

Reno (off)

Hey, who art thou to talk?

.

Rufus

We don't know who they are or what they want.

But come, what say you, Cloud, to my offer?

Consider the children who live with you.

Don't you want to see smiles on their faces?

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Reno (off)

Cloud, think about it. Together we could –

.

Cloud

Forget it. He steals all my scenes. I'm off.

.

Exit Cloud

.

Rude, Rufus

Reno!

.

Curtain