Volume II
After the unexpected success of The Ladies' Guide to Middle-earth's Eligible Bachelors, Virtuella Publications Ltd. have decided to compile a supplementary volume which covers a number of gentlemen who had not been considered in the original book. While it might be felt that the bachelors presented here are in some respects second choice, or at least second hand - for we have included a number of widowers - we hope sincerely that the discerning lady will be able to un-middle-earth some hitherto unconsidered gems. To our delight, some of the bachelors (as well as a few of their friends and neighbours) have been available for interview and have kindly permitted us to include their comments in this book.
Bill Ferny
Strengths:
Bill Ferny has a fine entrepreneurial spirit (not to mention an egalitarian attitude), being known to "sell anything to anybody." This reputation is confirmed by the fact that he is able to sell a half-starved pony to the otherwise very competent Merry Brandybuck for thrice its value. He is also commendably non-violent, not retaliating but merely cursing when attacked with an apple by a considerably smaller person.
Weaknesses:
Bill Ferny is not a respected member of his community. Mrs Daisy Butterbur, landlady of the Prancing Pony in Mr Ferny's home town Bree, calls him "a knave-and-a-half, if you get my drift, and a good-for-nothing lay-about." Apart from being a generally disagreeable grump, Mr Ferny has an unfortunate tendency to associate with squint-eyed, swarthy strangers, which appears to be, in the estimation of Professor Tolkien, a defect worse than halitosis. It should be noted, though, that it is entirely possible that Mr Ferny also suffers from halitosis in addition to his questionable taste in friends. Oh, yes, almost forgot, he's not very nice to animals.
Summary:
Bill Ferny has "minor villain" written all over him, which is an unbecoming fashion choice to say the least. Unlike a major villain, Mr Ferny cannot compensate for his lack of affability with any prospect of power and/or affluence. A lady would have to be pretty desperate to take up with the ilk of Mr Ferny, especially since he has a name for having "queer folk" call at his house.
Suggested Yule present: Mouth wash and peppermint pastilles, just in case.
Status: Not recommended
Círdan the Shipwright
Strengths:
Círdan is a bearded Teleri Elf who resides at the Havens of Mithlond, where he supplies prospective travellers to Valinor with finely crafted seafaring vessels about which nobody has ever complained yet. One of the increasingly rare first edition Elves from Cuiviénen, Círdan is likely to fetch hitherto unparalleled sums at auction.
Weaknesses:
Círdan is so incredibly old that it is doubtful whether he would remember what to do with a wife. He also strikes the editor as being a bit on the whiny side. When asked about his occupation, he said, "Century after century, always wrighting ships, one after another, beautifully fitted, too, and do I get any thanks for it? No, off they go to Valinor and never even send me as much as a postcard. There's no gratitude in the world." The editor flinched at "wrighting" and did not form a favourable opinion of Círdan's grasp of grammar.
Summary:
The editor is uncertain about this bachelor. The beard, for example, may appeal to some ladies and be repulsive to others. Círdan is known to have given away a ring of power – was this generosity or stupidity? Has his perpetual dwelling by the Havens broadened or limited his horizon? Is it an advantage or a disadvantage that he never had any parents? We cannot tell.
Suggested Yule present: With this amount of uncertainty, it'll have to be socks.
Status: The editor feels unable to make a recommendation in this case.
Elphir, Erchirion & Amrothos of Dol Amroth
Strengths:
Sadly, we cannot report anything positive about these three young men other than the assumption being the sons of Imrahil of Dol Amroth is bound to have some benefit or other. When the editor contacted Mr Elphir's office with a request for an interview, she was told that Mr Elphir was currently very busy at the fish market. We leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusions.
Weaknesses:
None of the three sons of Imrahil is mentioned in the account of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, which either indicates that they chickened out (probably haggling over a crate of halibut) or that they participated without in any way distinguishing themselves. Either way, it doesn't make them look good.
Summary:
If the father is that blooming gorgeous, why bother with the sons?
Suggested Yule present: Who wants to spend money on such losers?
Status: Not recommended
Gildor Inglorion
Strengths:
Gildor is an eloquent elf of the House of Finrod, so he has something to show for the lady conscious of social status. Comes in handy for temporarily sheltering endangered Hobbits on a perilous quest, though that is obviously not what a lady is looking for in a husband. Standard Elven stunning looks. Heart skilled at foreboding.
Weaknesses:
When he encounters Frodo, Sam and Pippin, Gildor is, according to his own words, engrossed in that popular Elven pastime, tarrying, which is just a euphemism for loitering. He is obviously of the tra-la-la-lally variation of Elf and even though he knows that the hobbits are persecuted by Nazgûl, he has no qualms to send them off alone into the wilderness with just a little warning to be cautious, pretty much in the manner of a fretful old lady who urges her nephews to be careful on the slippery steps. He also deems it psychologically advisable to refuse giving Frodo any information about the Black Riders so as not to discourage him. This, to put it mildly, does not suggest superior powers of mind, and while we appreciate the story-internal necessity for this behaviour with regard to plot development, we cannot but warn the discerning lady of such an airy-fairy fellow.
Summary:
If walking in the woods at night singing merry songs is your cup of tea, fine, go ahead and have a shot at Gildor (only metaphorically speaking, of course.) On the other hand, if you're looking for someone with a bit of common sense and perhaps some DIY skills, you might want to look into a different direction. Gildor is unlikely to be the kind of Elf who could fix your computer.
Suggested Yule present: Tickets for Glastonbury Festival
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Hamfast Gamgee, aka The Gaffer
Strengths:
Hamfast Gamgee is a very respectable hobbit who fulfils his duties with much care and devotion. His social position is secure, if entirely lacklustre. Mr Gamgee describes himself as having "a good deal of plain hobbit sense, if you get my meaning, and not likely to go off on any silly adventures, no disrespect to my betters."A widower and no spring chicken, Mr Gamgee has a wealth of experience to share and does so at the slightest provocation.
Weaknesses:
If the expression "can talk for the Shire" means anything to you, you'll know to be on your guard.
Summary:
While Mr Gamgee is admittedly capable of boring a lady to tears, he is as good-natured and reliable a Hobbit as one can wish for and would be a good choice for an unassuming older lady with moderate expectations, especially if she is slightly hard of hearing.
Suggested Yule present: Garden tool polishing kit, though in all honesty, this bachelor is so modest that he would gladly accept a bag of potatoes.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Húrin the Tall, aka Húrin of the Keys
Strengths:
He's got the keys. That has to count for something. Possibly related to the House of Stewards, but this is uncertain. Had the good sense to let Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar into the City of Minas Tirith at his request, thus preventing the prospective king from having a temper tantrum and kicking down the gate. Oh, and he is tall, obviously, unless someone has a really stinking sense of humour.
Weaknesses:
Tinkles as he walks.
Summary:
Apart from the keys, we know nothing about Húrin. Critics with a certain mindset are prone to assert that the Key acts as a phallic symbol. We will not comment on this, but since we have no reason to think ill of Húrin, we take the liberty to think well of him. Take your chances, you might be pleasantly surprised. If not, don't blame us.
Suggested Yule present: Anything apart from key rings. Ensure also that Yule cracker does not contain key ring.
Status: Recommended
Imrahil of Dol Amroth
Strengths:
Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth has so much going for him that the editor is struggling to decide where to start. He is of such noble descent that all save Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar should faint with humility in his presence; he is a knight with a horse (or probably several) and shining armour; he is in all likelihood filthy rich, is widely respected as a very fine man, excellent warrior, wise ruler, la-dee-lah, la-dee-dah. Imrahil also has the good sense to check if people are actually dead before laying them out for burial, a precaution that apparently does not go without saying in and around Minas Tirith. Standard Númenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes combined with standard Elven stunning looks make Imrahil a sure winner even with the most aesthetically demanding lady.
Weaknesses:
Imrahil has no weaknesses as such, but is sadly eclipsed by those who can only with difficulties be perceived as his superiors. Not for him the throne of Gondor or even the Steward's chair. Whether or not he resents this state of affairs is unknown to the editor, but if he does, he is, well, resentful, and if he doesn't, he lacks ambition.
Summary:
Imrahil is a desirable man in every possible sense of the word. It is not known to the editors whether or not Imrahil is currently a widower, but if he isn't, a resourceful lady should be able to amend the situation to her satisfaction.
Suggested Yule present: A bijou kingdomette would set off Imrahil's noble qualities so much better than a poky little princedom on top of a cliff, don't you think?
Status: Highly recommended
Lindir of Imladris
Strengths:
Lindir appears to be an Elf of respectable standing in Imladris. Little is known about him apart from his ability to diplomatically or at least evasively comment on sub-standard poetry. Linguists have pointed out that the meaning of his name suggest he is a fine singer or possibly a minstrel, which is a lot of tosh, because obviously he was named before he chose his career. (The editor knows at least three blonde Melanies and one very imprudent Prudence.)
Weaknesses:
Reportedly, Lindir has problems distinguishing between hobbits and humans, which indicates either extreme short-sightedness or moderate to severe learning difficulties.
Summary:
Since Lindir has in no way distinguished himself, it can be assumed that he is either lacking ambition or otherwise is devoid of talent. Having said that, he may equally likely be a hidden gem. The editor would like to hear from any lady who succeeds in finding out more about Lindir.
Suggested Yule present: Creatures of Middle-earth in three volumes, with coloured woodcuts
Status: Cautiously recommended
Lotho Sackville-Baggins
Strengths:
Lotho Sackville-Baggins is the owner of Bag End (or would be, if the place wasn't so inconveniently owned by others), one of the most comfortable and luxurious smials in the Shire. Bag End is set in half an acre of professionally landscaped gardens. The front garden is set to lawn, with peripheral shrubs and perennial borders. Much of the back garden is dedicated to fruit and vegetables, though a well-maintained pleasure garden near the smial exists. The generously proportioned (by Hobbit standards) accommodation within the smial is in outstanding decorative order and must be seen to be fully appreciated. Bag End is furthermore famous for its well-stocked pantry and its wine and beer cellars.
Weaknesses:
As hinted above, Mr Sackville-Baggins doesn't actually own Bag End, however much he would like to, almost does and fancies himself to be entitled to. Mr Sackville-Baggins is portrayed as mean-spirited, narrow-minded, mercenary, cowardly, greedy and vain. "They're all just jealous," commented Mr Sackville-Baggins. However, there is no reason to believe that he is not, indeed, mean-spirited, narrow-minded, mercenary, cowardly, greedy and vain.
Summary:
While there are plenty of reasons not to get involved with a bachelor who goes by the name of "Pimple," there is really only one reason we'll need to mention here, the reason to end all reasons, so-to-speak: mother-in-law. Anyone voluntarily becoming related to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, especially in the role of daughter-in-law, must be suicidal.
Suggested Yule present: Scale model of Bag End
Status: Not recommended
Maglor Fëanorion
Strengths:
Maglor prides himself of his noble descent, though he is glad to be meanwhile the sole surviving member of his family in Middle-earth. After his "idiot brothers" finally departed in various states of disarray or, indeed, decay, Maglor established a pleasant home for himself in a remote area of Forlindon, "far away from trouble makers". He keeps a surreptitious eye on the well-being of his former foster son Elrond, which shows a caring nature: "You know, I'm very fond of the boy, even though he's turned out a bit of a sissy." Maglor practises on the harp at least seven hours every day and attends choir rehearsal twice a week. After millennia of such diligent training, he has now achieved a standard of performance that enables him to passably entertain a lady for an evening. Standard Elven stunning looks.
Weaknesses:
Every now and then, Maglor will break a fingernail, which usually leads to a Fëanorian temper tantrum and will spoil harp performance for at least a fortnight. Badly scarred hand.
Summary:
Maglor would by and large be a jolly good companion, but is increasingly irritable these days due to the plethora of angsty fanfics concerning his person. As Maglor told our editor confidentially, "Will they be done with it already! Angst, angst, angst. I have stopped caring about that stupid Oath centuries ago. Life goes on, duty is duty, but beer is beer."
Oops, shouldn't have mentioned this in public, but never mind.
Suggested Yule present: Patented Plastic Plectrum fingernails.
Status: Recommended.
Rumil and Orophin of Lórien
Strengths:
The brothers Rumil and Orophin are run-of-the-mill Lórien Elves with standard Elven stunning looks and probably a few accomplishments up their flared sleeves. We can also assume that they have tasteful Art Noveau furnished flets in desirable locations in Caras Galadhon. Since they are decidedly minor characters and because, unlike their brother Haldir, they neither speak Westron nor die heroically in the movie, they are very rarely subject to fangirling.
Weaknesses:
Don't seem to get out much.
Summary:
The editor tried to arrange an interview with Rumil and Orophin, but the lack of a shared language proved an insurmountable obstacle. As with Lindir of Imladris or Húrin the Tall, we take the absence of any negative reports on Rumil and Orophin as a good sign and would encourage ladies to seek the acquaintance of these bachelors. In case of doubt, we recommend viewing the flet first.
Suggested Yule present: Tourist Guide to Middle-earth (Virtuella Publications)
Status: Recommended
Sauron Annatar
Strengths:
Sauron owns extensive real estate in the South-East of Middle-earth, featuring dramatic scenery and reliably warm and dry weather. His property Barad-dûr comprises spacious accommodation on seventy-three floors, including personal torture chamber and fully fitted dungeons. Decorative state is exquisite and viewing highly recommended. Sauron has excellent career prospects and can be expected to achieve dominion over all of Middle-earth within the next decade or so, provided that his Nazgûl don't screw up and get scared by a ragged ranger waving about some burning sticks. He has exceptional skills in jewellery-making and, should his current enterprises for some reason fail, would be able to establish himself as a gold-smith.
Weaknesses:
It is very doubtful if Sauron in his current incarnation as a great flaming eye, in which we understand he is pretty much stuck, would be able to attend to the physical side of a marital relationship. Furthermore, Sauron has an annoying habit of demanding his Ring back.
Summary:
With his almost unlimited potential for evil, Sauron is a must-have for the lady interested in a Dark Lord collection. There is some concern that narrative convention will demand for him to be overthrown as the central villain, but really, given the odds, this is not very likely.
Suggested Yule present: Soothing eye-drops or metal detector.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Ted Sandyman
Strengths:
A native inhabitant of idyllic Hobbiton, Ted Sandyman has moderately good career prospects, since he will inherit his father's mill. Economic stability, if not exactly affluence, is highly probable with this bachelor. Mr Sandyman is of a prosaic and level-headed mindset, which leads him to dismiss fanciful stories about airy-fairy creatures and concentrate on more important matters like ordering the next round of beer.
Weaknesses:
Mr Sandyman features all the typical deficiencies of his race, being short, uneducated, prone to overeating and altogether too fond of smoking and drinking. Having said that, these weaknesses go hardly beyond what most ladies have to work with when taking on a bachelor. His scepticism may appear cynical, but would you rather have a husband who believes everything he's told by a guy in the pub?
Summary:
Ted Sandyman is very much your standard kind of Hobbit, so if your taste runs that way, go ahead, follow it, I'm not going to chase after you.
Suggested Yule present: Personalised tankard
Status: Cautiously recommended
The Balrog of Moria
Strengths:
The Balrog of Moria is, no doubt, incredibly strong, so strictly speaking that would be considered a strength. While his exact descent is unknown, he is almost certainly of the race of Maia, i.e. an entity of very superior status. That in itself would recommend this bachelor to a certain type of lady. The Balrog is also very hot, albeit more in the literal than the figurative sense. We are given to understand that some ladies find whips strangely attractive.
Weaknesses:
The Balrog is notoriously unpopular with his neighbours, who sneeringly refer to him as "Durin's Bane." When asked whether he would like to get married, the Balrog replied, "Get out of here, you nosy rat of a journalist, or I'll tear your head off." The editor got the impression that the Balrog possesses not the most amiable of tempers. The Balrog's home is, quite frankly, in an abysmal state. The prospective Mrs Balrog would have to employ industrial cleaning services on a massive scale in order to make the place inhabitable. The fabled Mines of Moria also require substantial structural work and general modernisation, including plumbing and double glazing.
Summary:
Any lady marrying the Balrog of Moria will never have to worry about heating and lighting bills again. Beyond that, there is some doubt whether many ladies would be able to cope with the fiery temper of the Balrog.
Suggested Yule present: Decorative wall-mounted whip holder, handcrafted out of wood from sustainably managed forests.
Status: Not recommended
The Mouth of Sauron
Strengths:
There is something seductively romantic about the very term "Black Númenorean." Nobody would want to get involved with a hideous little orc (well, not in Middle-earth anyway, Discworld is another matter entirely), but a dashing Man-of-Númenor-turned-naughty certainly has a lot of sex appeal. The Mouth of Sauron holds the position of Lieutenant of Barad-dûr, which goes with a generous salary, a well-devised pension plan and a handsome three-bedroom apartment on the thirty-sixth floor.
Weaknesses:
It is decidedly disconcerting to communicate with a person without a proper name, as the editor found when she interviewed Mr... um, Mr Mouth. Would his wife be addressed as "Mrs Mouth of Sauron"? That is hardly attractive. And how would she address her husband? "Mouth, dear, go and put the kettle on." I think not.
Summary:
The issue of the name aside, Mr... um, Mr Mouth seems promising husband material. There is evidence that he is easily intimidated, which is just what a lady looks for in a spouse, isn't it?
Suggested Yule present: Mr... um, Mr Mouth told the editor that he really fancies "one of those adjustable hair clippers, you know, the ones where you can give yourself a number one or number five or whatever you want."
Status: Cautiously recommended
Théoden Son of Thengel
Strengths:
Théoden can at times appear a magnificent specimen of the male gender, with brilliant white hair and beard, dignified mien, fine stature etc. He is also politely spoken at such times, with polished manners and a strong sense of honour. Any mature lady would be proud of such a husband.
Weaknesses:
Sadly, at other times Théoden appears old beyond his years, barely coherent in his speech and entirely at the mercy of his carers. While the editor appreciates that caring for a frail husband may become a noble duty for a wife in the end, it does not seem a good way to start a marriage.
Summary:
With Théoden, it seems to be very much hit and miss whether one gets a fine, valiant king or a dribbling gaffer in his dotage. In any case, though, ladies should consider that Meduseld is a very desirable property in a prime location and well worth any inconvenience one might experience with an associated husband.
Suggested Yule present: The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by R L Stevenson, hardcover, leather bound, gilt edged, 10% discount if you order before 15th of December.
Status: Cautiously recommended
Théodred Son of Théoden
Strengths:
Not applicable
Weaknesses:
Dead at time of going to print.
Summary:
Not applicable
Suggested Yule present: Not applicable
Status: Not applicable
Thranduil Oropherion
Strengths:
Thranduil is the King of the woodland realm which is known as Mirkwood to some, as Greenwood to others. Some ladies might feel put off by the fact that he lives in an underground system of caves, but rest assured that the Halls of Thranduil are comfortably and elegantly furnished to the highest specification. New plumbing was installed less than a century ago, all caves are fitted with hardwood flooring and electric lighting, and the master bedroom has en suite facilities. The rather tatty artex ceilings you may have heard about have been removed a few years ago and all caves are now painted with matte finish emulsion in tasteful colour schemes.
Thranduil himself is fitted with standard Elven stunning looks and the routinely dispensed royal qualities of wisdom, generosity, dignity etc. He is an experienced warrior and well respected among other rulers in spite of his tendency to let important prisoners escape.
Weaknesses:
As Thranduil himself says, the whole Fairy King business can get a bit tedious over time. "I mean, come on, a crown of autumn berries, how acorny is that?" says the youthful-looking king, playfully brushing aside his golden tresses. "And in summer it's flowers, which is even worse. Makes me look like a blooming hippie!" Thranduil also suffers from arachnophobia, which, given the circumstances, is particularly inconvenient.
Summary:
Thranduil has been a widower for long enough to be no longer consumed with grief, but not so long as to have forgotten what marriage is all about. Since there is no mention of any females dwelling in the woodland realm, there is no competition for Thranduil's attentions. (Rumour has it that the Silvan ladies established a separatist feminist colony with the Ent wives somewhere in the far East , but there is no clear evidence for this.) An all round charming bachelor, Thranduil offers a chance for the discerning lady to snatch up a good-value second hand king at very little cost.
Suggested Yule present: Baseball Cap
Status: Recommended
Watch out for further Middle-earth pamphlets from Virtuella Publications Ltd.
Now available in paperback: "Wargs, Dragons and Fell Beasts. Pets of Middle-earth."