Disclaimer - WE do not own D Gray Man or Mary Poppins or anything else that happens to pop up in this fic.

Millennium Earl or Mary Poppins?

General Cross Marian, member of the Black Order, had been traveling around for quite some time. Or at least that's what he told people when he took the time to talk to them. But of course it wasn't the truth. He was, in reality, running away from the various people that he owed money to. This was a favorite past time of his and he was, as a result, quite good at it. Now that he didn't have his idiot apprentice to pay off his debts he had to run away from them or else... heaven forbid... actually pay them the money that he owed.

Cross cringed at the very thought of having to pay his own debts and, of course, never stayed in one place long enough to get caught by those who wanted money from him. He wasn't in contact with the Order, and hadn't been for quite some time, therefore he couldn't ask them to pay the bills that he racked up.

Not that half the stuff he bought could been considered business expenses. Maybe he would be able to convince the higher ups to foot the bill but somehow he doubted it. Besides, it was just easier to run away. He had plenty of practise and with Maria's rather useful abilities it really wasn't all that hard. He had running away from bill collectors down to an art form and he was steadily perfecting his art.

One day, while running away from a group of people to whom he owed a rather large sum of money, the General noticed something flying through the air. Deciding that he needed to further investigate this occurrence Cross quickly ditched the people who were chasing him and then followed along behind this unidentified flying object. He couldn't tell what it was from this distance but he was curious. The most likely explanation was that it was an Akuma and if that were the case then Cross could turn it into another of his minions. After all he got a certain sense of enjoyment out of turning the Earl's playthings into his own.

And to think he tried it the first time just to see if he could do it.

As the object came closer to the ground Cross managed to get a better view of what it was and, once he realized that it was actually the Millennium Earl floating through the air with his obnoxious talking umbrella, he couldn't resist laughing hysterically at the sight. He laughed so hard in fact that he actually fell to the ground, landing on his behind with an audible thud.

And even this didn't decrease his laughter, even though he was getting dust all over the back of his coat. Normally this would irritate him to no end but at the moment all he could think about was the sight that met his gaze. "Hey!" he called out, unable to resist the urge to make fun of what was supposed to be the supreme evil of the world. "What exactly are you supposed to be... Mary Poppins?"

The Earl narrowed his eyes in displeasure as he instructed said annoying talking umbrella, who was named Lero, to deposit him on the ground. Now Lero would never say this out loud, because he didn't want to die, but he was more than happy to obey this command because the Millennium Earl was rather fat and as a result heavy. This didn't make it an easy task to fly through the air with him in tow and Lero could really use a break.

But of course he would never tell this to his master.

Landing on the ground the Millennium Earl folded up his umbrella, who was trying to catch his breath. It was so bad that the annoying little thing didn't even have enough breath to say his name. He just crumpled to the ground and stayed that way.

"What did you say to me Cross?" the Millennium Earl demanded, his eyes narrowed as he gazed at one of his arch enemies.

Cross had finally managed to get his laughter somewhat under control and he got to his feet, a grin still plastered on his face. "I asked what you were supposed to be. When I saw you flying through the air with that umbrella you reminded me of a demented Mary Poppins."

The Millennium Earl narrowed his eyes in displeasure.

"Come on Mary," Cross said, gazing at the Earl with a smug expression on his face. "Sing us a song."

"You asked for it now," the Earl said, his perpetual grin looking more and more demonic with each second that passed. The Earl picked up the annoying umbrella named Lero and pointed the tip toward the annoying Exorcist General.

"I can't do it Lero," the umbrella wheezed, still unable to breathe. "I just can't..."

Growling low in his throat the Millennium Earl tossed Lero aside and decided to move on to Plan B. He took a couple of steps toward General Cross but paused when the red haired annoyance once again began laughing hysterically.

"Okay," Cross said, unable to control his laughter as he gazed over at the Millennium Earl in an appraising kind of way. "Maybe not Mary Poppins... how about a demented Easter bunny? I mean seriously, what's up with those ears? Did they come that way? Plus you have that Akuma plant which looks like a huge Easter egg."

"I'm.. going to... kill you," the Earl snarled, thinking of all the various ways that he could kill the Exorcist. It would have to be slow and painful and humiliating.

"Yes," Cross choked out, clutching his chest as though he were having a heart attack. Death did seem to be approaching although he didn't think that the cause of death would be what the Earl had in mind. Vaguely he wondered if anyone had ever actually died of laughter. "I'm going to die of laughter."

Now completely enraged by the words of General Cross the Millennium Earl grabbed Lero and, with one quick motion, opened the umbrella. By this time Lero had managed to catch his breath and, much to his dismay, he and the Earl once again took to the skies. "I'll get you..."

"My pretty," Cross called out, still laughing hysterically. "And your little dog too."

And with those as their parting words the Millennium Earl sailed off into the skies, muttering swear words under his breath. Cross took a few more minutes to get all of the laughter out of his system before continuing on his way before the debt collectors managed to catch up to him.

Word somehow managed to travel back to the Black Order about Cross' little encounter with the Millennium Earl and everyone found it to be way beyond amusing. Even Kanda cracked a smile when he heard the story although he tried his best to hide it from the others.

Allen and Lavi were the next ones to come face to face with the Millennium Earl and Lavi, being Lavi, had to call out, "Look it's Mary Poppins!"

"Who the hell told you about that?" the Earl demanded, even though he already knew who the culprit had to be. He was going to kill that Exorcist General the next time that he saw him. It was going to be a slow and painful death and by the end he would have Cross begging for death.

A/N - My niece and I came up with this little crack fic after watching the Earl fly around with his umbrella. So disturbing.

Allen: I still don't get the whole umbrella thing
Cross: I don't get how the umbrella holds him up.
Allen: Hadn't really thought about that but...
Lavi: IT'S POSSESSED!
Kanda: Mary Poppins scares me.
The Musician: You and me both.