A/N: This idea is not mine. If I knew who originally thought up the idea of character "user guides" then I would credit (and probably hug) them. Dean belongs to Kripke and the cruel, cruel writers that keep bashing him around and making him cry prettily.
The User's Guide And Manual For
Dean Winchester
Copyright GrubbyHunters Ltd.
Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a DEAN WINCHESTER (henceforth DEAN) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your scruffy yet gorgeous hunter, please follow the instructions below.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: DEAN WINCHESTER
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturers: JOHN and MARY WINCHESTER (deluxe flammable mommy Winchester action pack is available and comes with free pyrotechnic Jessica accessory if you order before November 2009).
Height: 6ft (unless you have a SAM unit, in which case it is best to invest in a box on which to stand your DEAN unit upon or merely keep your SAM at an aesthetically pleasing several metres away when it comes to taking photos. DEAN units inevitably look short in photographs when stood next to SAM units).
Weight: 160 lbs
Length: Invariably revealed after several beers.
Eye colour: Hazel. (Do not be surprised to find yourself describing them as "Jade", "vivid green" or "brimming with the unshed tears of a thousand torments" - you're a fanfic reader, it's normal, we all quite understand).
Lips: pouty enough to make Angelina Jolie blush.
ACCESSORIES
Your DEAN unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible (provided you have a very understandable customs officer). Units are delivered fully clad in scruffy boots, a nice, if slightly ketchup stained plaid shirt, and jeans. In addition, your DEAN unit is supplied with a battered leather jacket, six throwing stars, two daggers, four guns, a Chevy Impala that would give Jeremy Clarkson an orgasm at five paces, a sack of rock salt, three knives, a first aid kit, silver bullets, normal bullets, a set of car keys, a taser gun, a can of mace and a case of crippling self doubt.
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS
Your DEAN unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. Due to manufacturing problems this is not always the case, however. His controls are voice activated, but please be sure to speak slowly and clearly (if experiencing problems with your unit then either show him a hamburger (if you are male), or your boobs (if you are female). The default setting of "quiet and slobbering" will allow you to persuade your unit to get back to the task in hand.
Aside from being visually attractive, awesome in the sack and destroyer of all things that go bump in the night, your DEAN has many other uses.
Babysitter
Did you tell your friend/sister/neighbour that you wouldn't mind looking after their kids, only to regret it when the little monsters were dumped upon you for the afternoon? Why not let your DEAN unit regale them with tales from his childhood? Chances are that you'll never be bothered by them again.
* It is prudent to ask parents to sign a disclaimer absolving you of any future psychiatrist bills before allowing children to come into contact with DEAN units.
Undertaker
In these harsh economic times who among us really wants to shell out thousands of pounds celebrating the departure of our loved ones? The DEAN unit is an expert in sending your dearest ones to the Elysium fields beyond. With only a lighter, a can of gas and several witty yet occasionally respectful one liners you can be sure that aunty May will get the send off she deserves and will never come back from the dead to berate you for not putting that china poodle she gave you for Christmas on display.
Psychotherapist
Put it this way, however crappy your day has been, asking your Dean unit to describe what years of being tortured in hell was like is almost certainly likely to put things into perspective.
CLEANING
DEAN units enjoy cleaning routines, especially if they involve power showers.
Note: We advise you not to allow TRICKSTER units near your DEAN unit when it is showering (or at any other time really) - electrocution, flattened by piano or squished by car may occur.
Hand washing is recommended for the DEAN unit. As well as keeping the unit in prime condition it allows the owner to inspect all moving parts and ensure that they are working correctly. We suggest that you do this while significant others are out of the house. It's a lot more fun and saves on divorce bills.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My DEAN unit seems to spend a lot of time looking at other female units - should I be worried?
A: No.
Unlike the SAM unit, DEAN is able to copulate with any female unit whatever the genre without five days of talking about his feelings. Also unlike the Sam unit, females that have interacted with the Dean Unit rarely have to be shot/set on fire/stabbed unless you feel jealous enough to do it yourself. If you feel sufficiently neglected then threaten to take a hammer to accessory C (kick ass Chevy Impala) and watch him beg for forgiveness.
Q: While attempting to reset my SAM unit from "Brooding" to "Tormented with a hint of self loathing", I accidentally scratched it. My DEAN unit immediately flung itself into the nearest busy road. Why did this happen?
A. Due to a manufacturing flaw, when SAM units are damaged it triggers DEAN units' insane-self-sacrificial-beyond-all-intelligent-reason over-ride chip. On accidentally damaging a SAM unit do not be surprised to find your DEAN trying to dig the tarmac up at your nearest crossroads and eyeing up the nearest black cat with a thoughtful expression.
Merely turn him off, make sure one of our licensed technicians restore your SAM to its optimum working potential and re-set both units to "Bitch-Jerk" standby. You should have no further problems.
* The helpline number for our Unit Technicians can be found on page 330 on volume five of your UNIT instructions.
Q: My DEAN unit has become a source of fascination to my son's class. They want him to take care of the school's gerbil over the summer vacation. Should I let him?
SOLUTION: For the love of all things holy do not entrust your DEAN with the wellfare of anything precious to you. Gerbils live for at best four years - extracting your DEAN unit from a hell dimension after it's sold its soul to resurrect it takes considerably longer.
TROUBLESHOOTING
PROBLEM: My DEAN came home from taking my son to school in a state that could only be described as "ravaged". What happened?
SOLUTION: Letting DEAN units out unaccompanied is not advised. Due to the enhanced "sex appeal" musk they emit (refills $20.99 for five) , it can be difficult to prise females from it when let loose alone. Why not utilise the time to be extremely smug in front of other parents and parade your unit in front of the middle-aged divorced fathers and their newly purchased sports cars?
PROBLEM: My Dean has a weird handprint on his arm and seems more conflicted than usual. What's going on?
You have a a special edition CASTIEL approved DEAN edition unit. Congratulations. For only $400 you can purchase our rumpled, sexy as all hell (or heaven) angel and utilise your units to recreate the fantasies that you certainly won't want to admit to in confession.
PROBLEM: My DEAN keeps asking me what "slash" fan fiction is. I'm too embarrassed to explain - what do I do?
Check the buttocks of your unit. Is there a "S" insignia branded there? If so either purchase or borrow a "SAM", "CASTIEL" or "JOHN" unit, shove them in a shower together (or beat the hell out of one of them if you're a hurt/comfort fan) and stand well back.
If there is no insignia then distract your DEAN by buying him a puppy. DEAN units are hardwired to become insanely protective of things with big brown eyes, floppy hair and the potential to grow up to be massive, uncontrollable and potentially evil.
FINAL NOTE:
DEAN units are loyal, aesthetically pleasing and damn good hunters, however in the interest of other buyers it is best not to take them on talk shows centred about troubled childhoods, any metal detectors, restrict them to vegan diets or the works of Germaine Greer.
Provided you adhere to the above suggestions we at GrubbyHunters Ltd. are sure that you and your DEAN unit will have many happy years together.
DISCLAIMER: GrubbyHunters Ltd. Take no responsibility for damaged caused by your unit being dragged to hell and torn apart from hooks, STDs caught from slutty waitresses, Kleenex purchases from wiping away the single perfect tear from its long eyelashes or bruises caused by BOBBY units trying to knock some sense into it.