Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, obviously, otherwise it'd be bow-chika-bow-wow all the freaking time. I'm not making any money off this; I'm just borrowing the characters for my own perverted fun. Eh *winkwink* eh *nudgenudge*

*ding dong*

Histugaya Toushiro woke up from his little cat nap on Orihime's couch, wondering if he should get the door. Orihime was at school and Matsumoto out patrolling--or most probably slacking off and shopping on his dime again!--and he didn't want to get in trouble if it happened to be the landlady. After all, he wasn't supposed to be living there and they could fine Orihime for letting anyone stay over without the landlady's permission.

*ding dong*

Toushiro pointedly ignored the doorbell, placing a pillow over his head to drown out the sound. Ah, blissful silence.

*dingdongdingdongDINGDONGDINGDONG*

There was a loud thump as Toushiro fell to the floor, startled by the loud sound. Were doorbells supposed to get louder the more they were pressed? He grumbled.

The person outside must've heard the thump, as a voice called out, "Hello, is anyone home? I have a package for a Matsumoto Rangiku. I just need a signature. Helloooooooooooo?"

What the heck did his fukutaicho order now? He sighed, mentally calculating how much his division budget would plummet this time. Toushiro opened the door to reveal a lanky, bored-looking teen in a delivery outfit.

"Hey kid, is your mom home? Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

Kid? Kid?! Toushiro narrowed his eyes.

"My mom's not home, and I'm home because I'm sick," Toushiro spat. He was much older than this gangly kid, damnit! Way older! "Just let me sign for the damn package."

The delivery boy grimaced. "Well teeeechnically, I have to get an adult to sign or else I have to come back another day...again..." he whined, rolling his eyes. Toushiro developed a twitch below his eyes, and his eyebrows furrowed menacingly. The temperature started to drop to freezing, making the teen shiver both at Toushiro's scary face and at the chill.

"I, uh, here you can sign for it!!! I don't care!!!!" the teen spat out, quicky thrusting the electronic clipboard at the threatening-looking boy. What was wrong with kids nowadays?!? The poor teen thought.

Toushiro signed the tiny screen and the delivery boy thrust a slim package in his hands then ran away in record time. He closed the door and examined the package. The box was around 10in long and slightly heavy. What was this now? Toushiro shook the package, hearing a cylindrical object roll around. Hmm...interesting. Curious, he turned it around to read the label, and his eyes widened to the size of saucers.

"Oh no. She didn't. No. Not with our division budget... MATSUMOTO!!!!"

*****

Rangiku was walking up the stairs to Orihime's apartment followed by an extremely weary and heavily laden Ichigo, when she heard Toushiro yell her name angrily. She squeaked, shoving her shopping bags at Ichigo.

"Takethesetoyourclosetandhidethemtherethanksbye!!!!" she said, pushing him away. Ignoring the substitute shinigami's screams as he fell down the apartment stairs with all her bags, Rangiku straightened up and opened the door to the apartment only to come face to face with an extremely pissed off captain.

"Taicho, what's wrong?" she asked in her best impression of innocence. Toushiro was not fooled.

"This... this... package... came for you," he said, narrowing his eyes at her and waving the package in her face. "I assume you ordered it out of the mission budget again. You know it's against regulations to buy um, er, 'personal items' with the mission budget. I can justify your clothes and shoes as part of mission requirements to blend in with the humans but...not this!" Toshiro said sternly, holding out the package.

Huh? What "personal item" had she ordered? Matsumoto wondered. Well, aside from the 25--no, more like 35--bags of shoes, clothes, and accessories that she sent Ichigo to hide for her. Puzzled, she glanced at the label of the box in her captain's hands.

Ah. That package.

Matsumoto tried to hide a smirk as she took the package from Toushiro.

"Taicho, tsk, you bad boy, going through my...ah, personal items, as you put it. I did order it, and it did come from the division budget..." she purred seductively, causing Toushiro's eyelid to twitch violently again. "But I thought that it would be very useful when we get back to Seireitei."

Giving Toushiro a naughty look, she sauntered off to the kitchen to get a knife to open the package. Toushiro stomped after her, arms crossed.

Matsumoto smiled as she heard her captain's heavy footsteps following behind her. Oooh, they were gonna have SO much fun with this. She turned around, placing the box on Orihime's kotatsu. She ran her fingers slowly across the knife, then across the package then knelt and bent over to open it, her neckline dipping dangerousy low.

Toushiro gulped loudly as Rangiku slid the knife across the tape and cardboard, every movement slow and deliberate. Was his lieutenant showing even more cleavage than usual? (Was that even possible?!?!?!) Was she stroking the box suggestively? Was he getting a little--just a little!--turned on by her actions?

"Oi, Matsumoto...you...you aren't really gonna open that in front of me, are you?"

"But taichooooouuuu," Rangiku crooned, "I bought this for the both of us to use around the office. You're always so boring and I thought you'd enjoy using it with me or watching me use it. It was an expensive model but I definitely think you'll find that it was worth every penny."

"Uh... I... use it with... you...watch you??" Oh no, Toushiro thought, if this was what he thought it was, why did his fukutaicho get into her brain that he would want to use it with her, or rather, on her? And why was he getting incredibly turned on at the prospect?

No! Toushiro told himself, this was his lieutenant he was thinking about. His fukutaicho. Nothing more! He was not turned on! Her breasts were an annoyance that suffocated him, not an erotic sight! She was taking her sweet time to open the box because she was lazy, not to tease him. And... and...she had that gleam in her eye because she was excited about her new, er...toy, not because she wanted to seduce him. Or...did she?

Smiling and humming, Matsumoto opened the cardboard box to reveal another container, this one cylindrically shaped and made of dark blue leather embossed with fancy golden swirls. She took the box in her hands and walked up to Toushiro, who stood frozen, eyes agape and breathing heavily.

"Taicho, they don't make these in Seireitei and I wanna make sure it works before we get back. How 'bout we try it out together while Orihime-chan is out, hmmm?" Rangiku took Toushiro's hand and placed it on the cover.

Was she serious? Was she seriously serious? The container definitely looked like it would fit a...a... Toushiro shook his head at the thought.

His fukutaicho's warm hand lingered on his. Toushiro wished she would take her hand off. As it was, he could feel her pulse racing against the back of his hand, giving him visions of Matsumoto panting under him, begging, and of him making her heart beat even faster...

No! He wouldn't think of that! Not even when his fukutaicho's ample bossom was hanging in his face. No, no, no, no.

"Taicho, open the box and let's have fun. C'mon taichouuu..." Matsumoto whispered huskily, her fingers drawing lazy circles on her captain's hand, interrupting Toushiro's train of thought. Or rather, Toushiro thought cynically, his lieutenant's words actually made his thoughts speed up to the point where they ran out of control and crashed into a mountain in a blaze of extreme, explosive glory. Much to Toushiro's consternation, his body seemed to say "fuck self-control" even as his brain was screaming at it to stop. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and lifted the lid.

Rangiku let go of his hands and went to peer behind his shoulder, pressing her breasts against him. Toushiro could feel her hot breath come in short bursts on the back of his neck. Gods, his fukutaicho really knew how to drive him wild. Ok. Here it goes. He reached in to grab a smooth, round, thick...oh no, this was exactly what he feared...

...pen?

His eyes flew open and confirmed what his hands had felt. Yes, a pen. An expensive-looking silver pen with the 10th division logo engraved in gold on the exposed metallic part.

"What! I thought it was a... a...vi- vib-" Toushiro sputtered. Matsumoto's eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Why taicho, what did you think it was? I thought that when you saw the saw the shipping label you'd know what it was," Matsumoto laughed out, taking the pen from his hands. "It does all sorts of neat stuff, see, laser pointer, pen light, little measuring tape pops out--that'd be great for measuring if my boobs grew again--pencil mode, ink pen mode, secret invisible ink mode..."

"But...but...the label said..."

"Taichoouuuu, you're such a naughty, naughty boy," Matsumoto said teasingly.

"But...but..."

"Pen Island taicho, see, www. penisland .net!!!!" Matsumoto squealed, flash stepping away and leaving Toushiro with a trail of trilling laughter.

"Ma. Tsu. Mo. TOOOOOOO!!!"

A/N: for those of you who don't know, Pen Island is an actual website, and they actually sell customized pens. I don't know what possessed my muse to drop this plot bunny on me, but wev. Hope you enjoyed it! If you liked it, please r&r. :D