So I don't do this often. Crackfics, I mean. But this was a fantastic conversation a friend and I had ages ago, and it was too good not to write up. So enjoy!

3AM Phone Calls

"I'm lonely, Allen!"

"Lavi… it's three a.m., what are you doing callin'…"

"Cuz I'm lonely, Allen!"

Allen sighed and rolled over in his bed, pressing the receiver more firmly against his ear while burrowing deeper into the covers, "Well, come over if you want."

Lavi sniffled, "That's not what I'm talkin'bout, Allen! I'm lonely because no one wants me!" he whined, clearly putting into practice all the melodrama of his theater classes, "It's a dark and pitiful life when you know that you have to go on without love or affection or attention."

"Lavi, you get laid more than anyone I know."

"It's not the same! You don't know what it's like, at least you have Kanda."

Allen blinked, his body perking up slightly at the mere mention of Kanda's name, "Kanda? Lavi, Kanda won't even give me the time of day. I can't remember a single conversation that hasn't ended in 'die, pipsqueak' or something like that. The only attention he gives me is to see whether he has laser-vision capable of spontaneously combusting me. We're complete opposites."

Allen could almost imagine Lavi's eyebrows waggling, "Ah, but opposites attract, don't they? Kanda so wants your ass."

"Lavi!" Allen did not have the energy to put the right amount of indignation in his voice.

"He does! He tells me all the time!"

That caught Allen's attention. Sure Lavi and Kanda were close but… "He does?"

"Sure as hell. I'll prove it."

"…How?"

"Hahaha, trying not to sound hopeful?"

"…Yes," and suspicious, he added mentally.

"It's very simple really," Lavi began, and Allen wondered how the conversation had turned from being about Lavi and his woes to Allen and Kanda, "I'm going to ask him."

Allen pinched the bridge of his nose, "Lavi! That's not going to work. This is Kanda, the most personal thing I've ever heard him say is that he really likes soba. And I have to hear it with my own ears… or feel it…" he cleared his throat as his imagination sprang to life, "Anyway, I can't just take someone's word for it, even if it's yours."

"How about we do this… I'll three-way Kanda right now. You just stay silent and pretend you're not on the other line," Lavi sounded much too pleased at the prospect, but Allen was impressed.

"…Wow. You actually are brilliant."

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Lavi paused, "Minus the 'actually'. Alright, so here we go!"

There were the sounds of buttons being pushed, and then a ring tone. And another. And another.

"Maybe he's not home."

Lavi scoffed, "He's home. Except for me, Yuu has no friends. There's nowhere else he could be."

They tried again, and this time the line rang once… twice…

"…The fuck… fisnotgood'mkillinyou."

Allen was hard pressed not to laugh at Kanda's sleep ridden tone. It was also gruff and husky and sexy as hell. He tried really hard not to imagine Kanda half-asleep in bed with his hair spread out everywhere and his sheets tangled around his pale torso…

"Nice to hear your voice too, Yuu."

"What do you want? …Too damn early for this, are you drunk again?"

It almost sounded like Kanda was whining. Allen turned his face away from the receiver to muffle his snicker.

"Maybe, but that's not the point. Yuu, I need your help. I have a little problem…" Lavi paused, as if waiting for Kanda to acknowledge him or actually be curious. Then he clearly remembered to whom he was speaking and kept on going, "I keep fantasizing. It's the same thing over and over, I can't stop!"

Allen blinked. What the fuck?

"…That's none of my business, go talk to someone who cares."

"Yuu, that's what you say every time, but no one else is as logical as you are about them! That's why I need your help."

There was a long suffering sigh at the end of the line and then Kanda said, "Make it quick. You're a waste of my time, you know that?"

"At least it's enjoyable time, right?" before Kanda could answer that, Lavi continued, "Anyway, it's just… they're weird. I keep imagining myself at the altar, about to get married… but instead of marrying the girl next to me, someone else comes up, and I end up ravishing him at the altar."

Allen choked. Honest to God he choked.

"Are you choking?"

Allen froze and pressed his mouth into his pillow, forgoing his need to breathe for a few seconds.

"Uh, yeah, sorry," Lavi broke in, feigning strain in his voice, "Booze went down the wrong way," he cleared his throat a few times for good measure, "Anyway, I just… don't know if that's normal. I mean, would you ravish Allen at an altar?"

There was a long moment of silence from the other end, where Allen's heartbeat began thundering in his chest, sure of the response, his mind still reeling from the situation (an altar? Really? Where was Lavi getting this from? Could those really have been trashy romance novels he saw in his locker the other day?). His hands were tight around the receiver, white-knuckled and uncomfortable.

"…Fuck yes," Kanda breathed, as if the very idea had excited him, "But don't tell anyone, or I'll kill you."

Allen's heart paused, did a somersault, shook some pom-poms, and kept going. He thought he was going to melt right then and there into a puddle of glorified goo from a mix of elation and relief. Did that mean Kanda didn't hate him as thoroughly as he'd thought?

"Right, right, we've gone over this a million times, I'm not a blabber mouth, Yuu. At least not about your personal stuff."

Kanda cleared his throat, "Regardless. Fantasizing is one thing; just because you want to do it doesn't mean you should."

"Even if he's hot and you like him and he likes you back and he'd say yes?"

Allen could imagine the confusion drawing Kanda's fantastically–shaped eyebrows together, "…Who the hell did you fantasize about? I'm not here for relationship advice by the way, find someone else to do that for you."

Lavi sighed, making a drawn-out sound as if he were hesitating, "I don't think you want me to tell you."

"Why the hell not? You started the conversation in the first place."

"Well… because… it's Allen."

Allen almost sputtered into the phone. He was going to kill Lavi.

There was a long moment of silence on the phone, and then a short growl, "What?"

"Look, it's not my fault! My mind just came up with it! But I know you like him, so I'm not going to try anything with him!"

"If you touch him, I'll kill you," Kanda's voice had dropped an octave, gravelly and dangerous, and the possessive sound made Allen shiver pleasantly and forget that he had been in the middle of deciding which of Lavi's precious books he was going to burn.

"But you know," Lavi suddenly said, sounding sly and teasing, "What if I did like Allen? I'm sure he wouldn't object to trying things out with me. You're never going to tell him anyway, are you? It'd be a shame to doom Allen to a lonely life just because you're too much of a coward to tell him how much you like him."

Allen could hear Kanda's breathing hitch and speed up.

"I'm going to kill you. If you show your face in front of me again I will decapitate you."

Then the line went dead.

"Well," Lavi spoke up, "At the risk of my decapitation, I'd say that was a rather successful reconnaissance mission, right?"

Allen definitely agreed, but… "I think I'm going to kill you too. Ravishing me at the altar?"

Hope you liked :) That was great fun and practically wrote itself.

ETA: Sequel posted on LJ by destinydivine here:

http:/ community . livejournal . com / note_paper / 9636 . html