It has been a while since i last updated. I wrote the original story long ago, and never really thought of revising it untill TheHypocrite wrote her review. I realised how much I strayed from the original eragon story and thought of revising. THis is the first chapter, tell me what you think. Should i keep the old one, or continue the knew one?
A young girl ran in the fields of flowers of all colors and sizes; each step leaving a trail of crushed grass. The young girls name was Camilla Brenton, she was about 10 years of age with long black brown hair and eyes as blue as the Caribbean sea. She wore no dress like girls her age, but a pair of small shorts and a t-shit a bit too big for her. Both of her cloths where different shades of brown and torn in places while patched elsewhere. Even so Camilla was as happy as any poor child could be.
Her older brother, Alcander, worked in the fields to provide the family with food. While her father, went to and fro from the city that was two miles away. Her father was a lower class knight, which meant that they didn't get as good of pay. Camilla's mother took care of the house hold and made sure dinner was worm and ready by the time her husband got home.
Camilla being a girl was not allowed to work in the fields or be around knights. She was much too young to work in the kitchen, so she was left with the duty of feeding the animals on the farm. There were two horses, one for pulling the plow and the other for her father. There was also a cow, two sheep and four chickens and one rooster. Camilla enjoyed feeding the animals, it was the only fun thing she could do around in the farm, other than make mud pies.
"Alcader!" Camilla screamed across the field of short wheat, that soon would tower over her small body. Her brother looked up from whatever he was doing and smiled. "look at all these flowers!" Camilla waved a bunch of flowers that she had picked in the air.
"Take them to mom. They could go on the table." He said and waved her off. Just like he said Camilla went running to the house to give the flowers to her mom. About five yards away from the house Camilla tripped on a large stone and that sent all the flowers in a small stream that was in the back of the house.
"No!" Camilla cried and turned to the stone. "Look what you made me do!" The stone didn't respond but it did shift. Camilla stopped being sad and pocked the stone in curiosity. "Mr. Stone?" She poked it again. It twitched again. Surprised she grabbed the stone and shook it, hopping whatever made it move would dislodge itself.
"Camilla. What are you doing?" Her father had ridden up and was surprised to see his daughter kneeling in the dirt shaking a rock.
"Daddy…Mr. Stone moved."
"Mr. Stone…moved. Really now!" Her father thought she was playing a game.
"Yeah. See!" Camilla put the stone down and pocked it. "Come on Mr. Stone. Move for my daddy." And just like that the stone shifted. Mr. Brenton squatting near his daughter was surprised that it wasn't his daughter's imagination running wild again.
Before he could even do anything, Camilla was in the house showing of her moving stone to her mother. He trudged in and looked at his wife, who looked more bewildered than he did. She looked up, he just nodded and shrugged.
"Can I keep it?" Camilla asked as if it were a stray dog or cat she had found. It was a rock, a moving rock, so what harm could it do…right?
0o0o0Time Shift0o0o0
Camilla walked around the kitchen counter to help her mom start dinner. She was fifteen now, her long brown hair hit her hips that were still not covered by a dress, but pants. About half a year prior "Mr. Stone" had ripped open to produce some sort of creature with wings. It was a shock to the family, they decided to keep it a secret and so they did. It wasn't like they lived in the city where anything weird would be discovered quickly. Camilla's father was now a court knight, which meant he stood around in the palace like a statue and guard whatever door he was assigned to. Which meant he was gone for weeks at a time, sending only money and a parchment of love. Alcader was now twenty, living elsewhere with his own family. He had married two years prior to the incident of "Mr…Mrs. Stone" producing the creature.
The creature was eventually named Dolan. It was little, black in color with a scaly body and rubbery wings. It was big enough for it to crawl up Camilla's back and sit around her shoulders under the curtain of brown hair. In fact it was doing that just now as Camilla kneaded the dough.
"Camilla!" Her mother called from the basement. Abandoning her dough she ran to see what was up. "There are rats down there again." He mother held up an empty sack of corn meal that had a while in it. The whole was obviously chewed.
"Dolan, go take care of that." Dolan was, and had always been, the rat catcher of the family. He was getting a free meal, while at the same time getting rid of the vermin's that kept eating the food. Dolan scurried off down the stairs on his four stubby legs, with his tail swishing in excitement.
Hours later dinner done, baths drawn and taken Camilla let Dolan out into the field to do whatever he did at night. His black body blending into the darkness of the field as he slinked away.
"I'll let you in, in the morning." She heard a small hiss for a reply and went to bed.
"CAMILLA!" Her mother's voice startled her into awaking. "GET OVER HER NOW!" Camilla still in her night gown crawled out of bed and headed where she heard her mother's voice.
"Whats…" Camilla was lost for words. There stood Dolan…well she thought it was Dolan. He was as tall as the house. "He got big…fast" She joked.
"Big… Big? He is huge!" Her mother screamed.
"I know…I'll take care of him…"Camilla actually wasn't sure what to do with him. Her mother huffed and walked back in to get breakfast ready. Camilla could hear her saying something about mutant rats. "Ok, Dolan…what happened last night? Got a growth spurt?" She was teasing him, it's not like he could do anything.
'Quite funny my dear.' Camilla looked around. She was hearing voices. 'You are not hearing voices…you're hearing me.' To emphasize his point Dolan lowered his head to see eye to eye with Camilla. Camilla back up, not quite sure what do to with the terrifying maw that was now inches from her. 'You have no reason to fear me, my rider.' Not sure what to do she went back into the house and got ready for the day, still thinking she was hearing voices… that or it was a dream.
"Morning." Her mother greeted her the kitchen. "did you take care of that thing?"
"That "think" is Dolan." Her mother looked up from chopping something. "He grew."
"Anymore growing like that and people are sure to come. Plus feeding him now is going to be a problem… something that big has to eat a lot." She gestured with her knight to the kitchen widow where Dolan sat. Camilla just nodded and walked out to do her daily chores.
'Your mother…she doesn't like me.' Again with the voice in her head. 'it is the way I speak to you and only you.'
"if you could do it, then not why before?" Camilla was just playing along with the voice.
'Because I was much too young, plus we were building our bond.'
"What's with this?" She asked gesturing up and down Dolan's rather now powerful huge body.
'I am fully grown I believe.' Dolan looked down at his legs and shifted side to side. 'Also…' Camilla looked up from collecting the eggs from the hen house. 'My name is Sin. Though I do appreciate that name you gave me, I prefer my own.' Silence greeted him.
"Ok…Sin." Camilla tested the name out. "I'll just have to get used to that." Sin grinned and chuckled a little. To Camilla it looked threatening and sounded like rolling thunder. The chickens all panicked from the sound and started squawking and running about.
'Oops.' Sin stated. 'I'll keep away from them…and the others.' Sin lifted his head and looked to the direction of the city. 'your father is coming.'
"ok…" Camilla looked at his with questioning.
'I can see far…very far.' Sin explained. She just nodded and went on with her business. 'your father is going to find me…I'm not that easy to hid.'
"No! Really?" It was about late afternoon when Sir Brenton dismounted in front of the house.
"Father! You're finally hear!" Camilla came running out to great her father. Her father gave her a look. Beside him stood another man, he was tall and dressed in fancier armor than he father had on. "oh.,. Sir Knight." Camilla dipped her head a bit.
"This is my daughter Camilla. Camilla this is Sir Rafe. His house had flooded and I offered him our home." Camilla nodded and turned back to the house. "Camilla, would you put away the horses?" It sounded like a question to anyone's ears, but she knew was more of a command.
"Sure." She retrieved the horse from her father as he walked to the house. "Sir Rafe?" He had not handed his horse over to her.
"He's temperamental. Be careful, he bites." He slowly handed his hours over watching for any sign of bad behavior.
"He won't bite. Wont you?" She asked the horse. The horse flicked his ears back and the forward again to fallow obediently to the stables. By the time Camilla came back into the house her mother had set and extra place for Sir Rafe, and was just pulling the dear out of the pan onto a serving plate. "Need help?" He mother shook her head.
"Why don't you ask what Sir Rafe would like to drink?" With a nodded Camilla headed into the parlor where Her father was showing Sir Rafe his long sword. Rafe turned towards her and raised an eyebrow.
"Sir Rafe, what would you like to drink with dinner?" A mumbled wine was her answer before he went back to speaking with her father.
"Do you always let your daughter dress like that?"
"I'm not home much, she's old enough to get herself dressed. I sadly do not have control over the state she is in. I'll get her out of this silly faze of hers eventually." My father seemed to reassuring this man that I would become a proper young lady.
"Mom, I didn't know father was quite close to this person." Her mother looked up and nodded.
"He should be…" She seemed to want to say more but stopped when father and Sir Rafe came in.
Dinner was actually uneventful, especially when with a guest. Camilla guest it was because her parents knew him before she was born. But the strange thing was, Rafe looked younger than Mr. Brenton. Later both her knights when out, said something about sparring.
"You were saying?" Camilla urged on. Her mother looked up in question before she realized what her daughter was talking about.
"That young man. Is the son of one of your fathers oldest friends."
"ok, so?" Camilla didn't see the point. There was silence in the kitchen now, only the sound of mom washing dishes could be heard.
'They intend you to marry him.' Sin's voice came from out of the blue.
'Marry? Him…why' Camilla thought.
'your guess is as good as mine.' Startled that Sin could hear her thoughts she turned towards the window and looked out. Sin was nowhere to be seen. ' you can read my thoughts?'
"no, just hear them.' Sin replied.
"How long?" Camilla asked her mother, hopping she wasn't going to be the first one to say marriage.
"how long what dear? How long your father knew his friend…"
"No! How long did you know that I was probably be betrothed to this guy?" Camilla hissed. Her mother looked started at Camilla's reaction. She was hopping for happiness like many woman would be when they found out they would have a husband soon.
"We knew way before you two were even old enough to walk. Aren't you happy?
"I would have liked to be told! Before all that happens" Yelling was never the answer but at this time frustration and anger gets the best of people.
"I know, I am sorry. It was your fathers idea to wait until your sixteen to tell you, that way you were considered an adult and could refuse if need be." Her mother explained calmly. "Plus with Da…"
"His name is Sin, it's the name he was given before he even hatched."
"Ok. With Sin here. You'll defiantly have a reason to refuse." Everything made somewhat sense when you look at it the way her mom put it. "But please, give him a chance."
'He's quite the nice lad. Plus meeting him would be entertaining.' Sin chuckled.
The next morning as Camilla made her rounds of feed the animals Rafe came along. Camilla paused from milking the cow when she heard footsteps behind her.
"Good morning Rafe." Camilla stated calmly.
"Good morning." His response was short and curt as if he didn't really mean it.
"If you're here to be like that, then leave me alone."
"What has your panties in a twist?" He laughed quietly.
"My parents, in no time I'm sure it would be you." Camilla sighed as she pulled the milk pail out from under the cow. Rafe moved out of her way as she continued to the next chore. Which happened to be the chicken coop.
"So they finally told you?"
"No, I guessed on my own."
"Oh. I'm actually glad you did." Camilla turned to him. "Its just…it would have been strange that I would be randomly talking to you when ever you came around the city. You would have thought I was just some random guy hitting on you."
"Sure that would have probably what I would be thinking, but I'm a smart girl. I'll would have eventually figured something was going on."
"True. By the way… what are these giant tracks from?" Camilla looked down and found Sin's tracks here and there. She contemplated whether to tell him or not.
"That would be Sin."
"Sin…what kind of animal is that huge."
"A really big animal." Camilla joked. Rage looked at her like she was kidding and then caught on and laughed. Camilla just smiled. "No, seriously…he's huge." And just like that Rafe wanted to see him.
"He wouldn't hurt you. So don't freak out." Rafe nodded. Still unsure what he was going to see. Sin stepped out of a plushy part of trees and looked down at Camilla and Rafe.
'He's not that bad looking.' Sin grinned. Rafe startled by not only the size of the body but the teeth within the jaw yelped and tripped backwards. 'though not very coordinated.'
THis is the first chapter, tell me what you think. Should i keep the old one, or continue the knew one?