Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ

We have reached the ten-chapter mark of "Why You Should Never Travel With Foreigners!" Yay! Unfortunately, Impy is not cooperating with me and refuses to say anything of interest, so boo her until she finally says something! So this chapter consists of one Impy-line, a bunch of Link's hate and parody elements, and Ordon goat cheese. Have fun!

Videos used: OPPFIX's The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Walkthrough 29, 30, 31, 32; Chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess 24

First things first. I walk into Eldin's Spirit Spring to heal myself after the battle with King Bulbin, pointedly ignoring Eldin hovering above me going on and on about proper hygiene and keeping my health up and something called Fairy's Tears, whatever those are. They probably don't do much...

So when I actually start heading up the mountain, I notice Talo standing outside a shop looking curiously at it. As I walk up, he turns to talk to me.

"I can't believe Colin..." he says, slightly awed. "I mean, that was a really brave thing for him to do, huh? Especially since he's such a weakling!"

Stop talking, you little ass. He was always better than you even when he was a baby.

"Um...he is going to be all right...right?"

Sure, whatever...

"And Malo!" Talo says, outraged, turning to face the boarded-up shop again, "He hasn't even come by to say 'Get well soon!' What's he thinking? He said he was gonna 'get started' and he hasn't come out of that closed-up shop since! Link, could you talk some sense into that kid?"

I nod, happily for once. I've long suspected Malo ran some sort of underground market or drug ring...he's too clever. And now, I am finally going to bust Creepy Manchild and get him arrested and never have to see his creepy manchild face ever again. So without knocking, I barge right in.

There's no seedy merchants, dim lights, or suspicious-looking crates in this place. Just Creepy Manchild's head barely visible behind a counter, and two different shields and a red jar.

Creepy Manchild looks up at me with a very freaky squinting look. "Hey...You can look at stuff, but don't you DARE just take things...That's MY valuable merchandise. You want it, you pay for it," he mutters. "I decided to take on this unmanned shop...Buy something...it helps the whole village if you do..."

He probably keeps it in his private purse. I am about to turn around and leave, but something catches my eye.

Something shiny. Something colorful. Something fire-proof.

Hylian Shield: 200 Rupees. LIMITED SUPPLY! Don't let them sell out before you buy one!

Must...have...pretty...shield...

…"Pretty"?

I said awesome fire-proof shield, Faron.

No, I'm sure you said "Pretty". Eldin suggests more descriptive terms, such as dainty, elegant, beautiful, comely, charming, fine, delicate, tasteful, graceful, handsome, and pulchritudinous.

…...I think I'll stick with "awesome fire-proof shield". What in the hell is "pulchritudinous"...

I point to the Hylian Shield and Creepy Manchild says, "A Hylian Shield will cost you 200 Rupees. Want one or not?"

Luckily, I have exactly 200 Rupees on hand, and I gladly throw the contents of my wallet at Malo. I mean.."to"... Malo.

"I see..." Malo mutters darkly, rubbing his head where a Red Rupee hit him, "I SUPPOSE... I can part with it..." But without further protest, he hands over the Shield.

You got the Hylian Shield! It's made of metal and will never burn!

Perfect.

I leave, ignoring Malo's noble speech about making heroic business deals with people, and go on my way, replacing my weak Ordon Shield with the better Hylian one. Then I walk through town and head up the path to Death Mountain.

The Goron I met before acts really cocky when I come back, but I put on my iron boots and toss him over the mini-cliff. I keep walking and do this with all the rest of the Gorons that come rolling down.

After about five million more annoying Gorons and even a swarm of annoying Bulbins firing annoying fire arrows at me from the annoying cliffs, I reach the Goron's city-thing again. Two Gorons near the top of the tower see me, and one shoots the other up to the doorway by rolling up and springing. I might try that later...

Actually, I might have to try it now. I'm no wolf anymore, so Impy can't help me. Goron-spring is the only way to go.

So without further ado, I jump down in plain sight, only to almost get crushed by falling rocks. A huge steaming hot one almost burns me, but it misses and lands in the ground, steaming. Impy jumps out of my shadow and stares at the rock as if it's the most amazing thing to happen since Ordon goat cheese.

"Oop! Pee to there..." she says in wary awe. "This to beat bros! Toot easy!" she giggles, before diving back in my shadow.

Whatever, Impy.

I continue my very painful way up the mountain, beating up Gorons and getting sprung up into the sky by them, also getting knocked around a couple of times by Gorons punching me or rolling into me. Which hurts, since they are solid rock. I also have to deal with those geysers now and again, because some erupt annoyingly every time I come close, as if they can see me and have no other purpose but to spite my progress towards getting rid of Impy. After a couple of hours of pain, pain, and more pain, I have developed a hatred for all things stone. But at least I reached the top of the mountain, where I can hopefully find a Goron without a rock for a brain.

But when I get inside the room, six or seven Gorons all roll up and prepare to charge me.

Fuck.

"ENOUGH!"

The Gorons stop rolling and stare at an older, shorter Goron who steps out from between two guards at the back of the room. "Is this young one such an imposing enemy that you must all gang up on him? I think not, Little Brothers," he says sternly.

The Gorons walk over to him, and so do I, feeling very intimidated by the rocks as I do.

"I am a Goron elder, little human," the older Goron says. "I am called Gor Coron. Because of certain...circumstances, I must lead the Goron tribe in place of Darbus, our tribal patriarch. Tell me, little human, do you come from the village below?"

Um... I guess I could say yes... but I'm from Ordon Village...but I came from Kakariko.

Just pick a town and answer.

Shut up, Faron.

Well, are you going to say you're from the bottom of a lake, or what?

No. But I need to pick an answer that won't make him mad.

You're a human. He'll be mad either way.

That's Hylian to you. And was that an insult?

Maybe...

You stupid Light Spirit!

Gor Coron backs up a couple of steps, and I notice that I have a twitching eyelid. So I just nod.

"You...have done well...to come this far," Gor Coron says, still wary of my "mood swings". If only he knew... "You are strong...for a human..."

HEY! What is up with everyone insulting me today?

Truth hurts, doesn't it?

SHUT UP, FARON! Nobody asked you!

"However..." Gor Coron says, making it a point of ignoring my facial expressions. "The mines beyond here are sacred to my tribe. Outsiders are not allowed," he says firmly, crossing his arms. "Unless..."

… 'Unless'? Unless what? Well, whatever it is, I'll gladly do it if it means the Light Spirits in my head will GO AWAY, and the imp inhabiting my shadow will make everything right, so I can go back to Ordon and continue hating everyone in my life in peace.

Gor Coron seems pleased with my strength of will, because he smiles. "I could make an exception...but you would have to beat me in a contest of power. Are you willing to try that, little human?"

One, yes. Two, don't call me little, or a human. Three, you don't know the lengths people will go to when they're desperate.

Ah, well. At least Gor Coron won't be as disturbing to sumo wrestle as Mayor Bloated.

We both step onto the sumo ring in the middle of the room. Gor Coron makes an impressive stomp with his foot, and I...don't.

The match lasts one second. He smacks me out of the ring.

Gor Coron looks nonplussed as I stand back up. "Your body is skinny, Brother, and so you are too light. You do not stand a chance. Try again later, Brother..." he says, before turning to the other Gorons and conversing with them.

Damn it. I forgot to put on the Iron Boots!

Idiot.

I am not an idiot!

You had ten minutes to put them on before the match. Goddesses only know why such an idiot is the hero.

Farore only knows why such an obnoxious monkey-thing is a Light Spirit.

...That made no sense whatsoever.

Damn it. Why can't I ever win?

Well, nobody's looking, so I slip on the Iron Boots and try to inconspicuously walk up to my place on the sumo ring. Gor Coron turns and says, ""Eh? What is it? Do you want to try again, little human?"

Yes. Now stop calling me 'little human'.

"You think you are tough, do you? Well, let us find out..."

Another Goron referees our match. The moment he says, "Go!" I duck, anticipating Gor Coron's punch. I immediately lunge at his unprotected stomach and begin shoving him towards the edge of the ring while fighting to keep my arms on his sides. He finally throws them off, and I dodge to the side as he tries to grab me and knock him out of the ring from the right.

Gor Coron grunts as he hits the ground, but quickly gets back up, saying, "Young warrior... you have a strong will...and sharp eyes."

HEY! I won that through SHEER STRENGTH!

And a few dozen pounds of iron...

You, shut up.

"Fine traits... want to see how well you can use them?"

Sounds sketchy to me. I'm all for it.

"You have seen it, I would bet...The mountain erupting without pause..."

Almost got crushed by it, too.

"When the mountain began to rage, all four of us elders and Darbus, our patriarch, went inside to investigate its anger. We have a treasure that was entrusted to us by the spirits, and we must protect it. Do you understand?"

The Fused Shadow Eldin gave to the Gorons!

Yeah, I figured that out on my own.

"But the moment Darbus reached out and touched the treasure...everything went wrong. He collapsed...and before our very eyes transformed into an unspeakable monster! He began to rage through the mines, trailing ruin behind him...and the eruptions grew more frequent and more severe. We used all our strength to seal him deep inside the mountain... It...grieved us to do this to our patriarch...but we had no other course of action."

I smell a conspiracy!

Shut up and listen.

"I ask this favor of you, young warrior...Go to the aid of Darbus! Make no mistake, the spirits have guided you here."

I already knew that. Unfortunately.

"I, Gor Coron, need your help...On behalf of my entire clan, I ask for your aid! You two!" he calls the the guards, "Let the young warrior pass!"

The guards scoot to the sides of the entrance silently.

"The mines are full of traps, all placed to protect the treasure from thieves," Gor Coron warns. "And worse than traps...Since the eruptions began, foul creatures of all shapes have settled into every corner of the mines. Getting to the patriarch's location will not be easy. I would prepare your blade, young warrior."

Thanks for the heads up. Now, to deal with the Goron Mines, and be one step closer to freedom!

*Cries* Noooo! It was another filler! Stupid Impy! SAY FUNNY STUFF DAMMIT! YOU'RE BORING THE AUDIENCE!