All the fucking shit happens to Alfred Jones, while all the weird shit happens to my brother. It's like, a fact of life. If a week passes without something boggling the heck of me then it's a sure sign that I'm not Alfred Jones, which I am, and I think I just lost myself there.

Right.

To start things off, I really, really like this actor called Ivan Braginski. I have all of his freaking movies shelved above my television at home and when a new one comes out I'm usually first in line queueing up for tickets. The man's a genius in his work, not to mention he's freaking hot to boot. So he might or might not be the star of some wet dreams I'd like to keep behind a few closed doors, thank you very much.

I think of him as the perfect guy, the one guy not to let me down in my dreams since I'm never going to get him anyway. Really nice and really sweet and basically the best guy ever.

To cut things short, I have this stupid little crush over him. Yes, it is stupid. But I've been having this crush since my teens.

So yeah.

The fucking shit.

This week's shit tops off all the other shits to have ever happened to me in the course of my entire life. Possibly changed my perspective on a few things, and I'll never let my daydreams carry me away again like some fucking damsel in distress. Take, for example, if you meet an insanely hot Russian man who's gonna be your brother in law.

Keeping up with the theme of 'fucking shit', he will turn out to be a fucking bastard.

Keeping up with the theme of 'seriously fucking shit', he will turn out to be the guy you've been lusting over ever since he became your favourite movie star.

--

--

"I'm getting married."

Alfred spat out the beer he was drinking, and stared at his brother as if he's gone insane, the world was about to end in three seconds and pigs were going to crash land at his apartment.

He checked the window. No such thing.

"Mattie, the world's not ending yet."

Matthew rolled his eyes, looking critically at the mess Alfred just made on his carpet before rubbing his forehead. "Yes, Al, even though the fact's probably boggled your mind like now like Jell-O, I'm actually settling down. I'm gonna buy a big house, have some tykes running around to terrorize you, you're going to be an Uncle -"

"Yes."

"- and you are not going to teach my kids the best ways how to say fuck in twenty different languages."

"But they need all the life skills they can get," Alfred whined, before he laughed and promptly slung an arm around his younger brother's shoulders. "I'm seriously happy for you, man! The girl must be damn lucky for getting such a nice guy like you. Did you tell the old man yet?"

"No, I wanted you to be the first one to know."

Alfred smiled as if he just got the biggest Triple Deluxe Vanilla ice cream cone seen on this side of the city and the next. "You're the best brother ever. When's the wedding? Who's the girl? And, when am I gonna meet her?"

"Next year March. I met her at the shooting range last year and, well, I guess it went off just like that - I didn't really tell anyone about it," he added hastily, looking at the way Alfred frowned for being left in the dark. "Really! She takes a while to get used to, but she's really sweet deep down. Sort of. Really deep..."

Alfred chuckled anyway, and Matthew smiled in relief.

"So that's why you wouldn't let your bro come with you on Saturday morning practices, huh?" Alfred asked suggestively, and at the way Matthew blushed, he crowed. "You're smitten! Absolutely goddamn smitten! Holy shit, this is so awesome, I can't wait to meet her now - hey, does she have a really hot sister I could -"

"Knock it off," Matthew laughed, punching his brother lightly on the arm. Alfred mock-pouted. "She does have a sister, though - and an older brother."

Alfred grimaced - he's had bad experiences with pissing older brothers off.

"Oof, served. Thanks for the warning. But you never know," Alfred winked, enduring another hook to the arm. He leaned back to the sofa, running a hand through his hair. "Losing to my own brother in tying the knot, well, it's gotta mean something. I seriously gotta get back in the dating scene once in a while before I die lonely, huh?"

"Lonely?" Matthew echoed, then his eyes widened. "What happened to -"

"It didn't work out," Alfred cut in curtly, hurt overtaking his face for a second before he grinned at his brother. "This calls for celebration, punk. We're gonna get so pissed that we'll start singing on the rooftops again."

Matthew frowned. "Don't change the subject. What's this about you breaking up with Luce?"

"It's old news," Alfred said, trying for nonchalance as he waved a hand aside. "Four months ago, no big deal."

"You've been together with him for close to three years and you expect me to just wave it aside? Why didn't you tell anyone, Al?"

Why didn't you tell me?

"I didn't want anyone to know about it, all right?" Alfred said roughly, scrubbing his face with his hand. "Look, I just - I'm sorry. For not telling you or like, talking about it. It's just stupid shit. We've been arguing a lot the last few months and, well, it just... Built up from there. Just cut it out," he added, when Matthew was about to say more. "I don't wanna think no more about it and the bastard's out of my life so fuck that shit."

"If you're sure..."

This isn't over, is what Matthew was really saying, so Alfred just rolled his eyes and nodded, getting up from his seat and sauntering towards the kitchens.

"Yeah, yeah. Now enough about me, it's all about you! Let's get this party going!"

"Al, I'm not going to get horribly drunk with you again. Remember the last time?"

Alfred smirked. "With Mrs. Turner? Hell yes. Now that was some serious action, even better than the tube -"

"I couldn't show my face to her for three months!" Matthew squeaked in mortification. "I am not drinking that beer - Alfred Jones, you will put that away or so help you -"

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" Alfred taunted, then opened the can and shoved it into his brother's hands. "Come on, it'll probably be the last time I can get a good reason to get you hungover in my couch anyway. Pretty please?"

"Fuck you."

"I don't think your lady's gonna take well to that."

Matthew scowled.

"You're just being whiny because I could always drink you under the table -"

"Oh, you're just asking for it," his brother growled, and Alfred grinned when his brother downed the can as fast as he could without spilling a drop or choking himself.

Man, he loved winning.

And when he woke up the next morning with unexplainable bruises on his arms and legs, and Matthew draped over the table like a dead man, he promptly remembered he forgot to ask for Mattie's fiance's name.

--

--

polcarstva

half a kingdom

one - married, married, married

--

--

"I have an announcement," Nataliya spoke, over the clink of wineglasses and forks hitting each other as the family dined. Ivan looked up from his soup while Yekaterina's hand stopped in midair.

"Sestra?"

"I'm getting married." And as she said this, she looked at Ivan pointedly - who sighed, putting down his spoon and grabbing for the wine as Yekaterina herself continued drinking.

"We've talked about this, Nataliya. I will not get married to you, even if you have all the papers signed up and ready to go. I do not wish to marry my own sister, and it is illegal to do so in this country. And I thought you understood?"

"I understood clearly; it does not mean that I would stop loving you dearly, brother." Nataliya picked at her food, moving the potatoes around before spearing them with her fork and eating it with ruthless precision. Food was serious business. "Be that as it may, I met a man at the shooting range last year. I very much think we like each other? He proposed to me on Monday... We are getting married next March. I think I might like spending my whole life with him, even if I would rather have only you, brother. He doesn't mind my habits so much."

Yekaterina squealed in surprise, almost choking on her wine while Ivan did choke, coughing noisily to get rid of the food stuck in his throat. He waved off Nataliya when she started to get up from her seat to help her brother, face etched with concern.

So she continued eating, spearing more helpless little potatoes.

"I am so happy for you, Nataliya!" Yekaterina exclaimed, making an effort to get up from her seat and hug her younger sibling. "When are we to meet him?" she asked nervously, mind already whirling with plans, plans, and more plans to get the man to stay. Hopefully forever, depending on how nice the man was, but it didn't matter, since her sister would be occupied. And an occupied Nataliya was a good Nataliya.

At least, good for her mental well being.

"I don't know. We'll be free this weekend. When would you like to meet him? Braht?"

Ivan put up a hand, coughing into his hand, then smiled.

Widely.

"Firstly, I am very happy for you, Nataliya. And I have no problems if we meet him this Saturday. Katyusha?"

"That sounds good to me. I'm so excited!"

"Then it is settled," Ivan murmured, barely keeping off the glee in his voice. Finally! No more obsessive love messages taped onto his face every morning, no more cameras installed in his bathroom, no more listening to serenades outside his balcony when he was trying to sleep, Nataliya, please leave your older brother alone it is late-

"I will still be stalking you, dear brother. I have not stopped when I met Matvey, likely I will not stop after getting married to him either." She smiled sweetly at Ivan. "I love you, big brother."

Ivan's face fell, but he quickly smiled again.

"At this point, I will take what I can get. Bless the good soul marrying you. Katyusha! Bring out the vodka!"

--

--

I gotta say, that Saturday seemed so nice. Blue skies, fluffy clouds, not too hot even though it's gonna be summer.

Isn't it always like that when fate's about to fuck you up?

--

--

"So it's just a meeting with me, you, and the lady, right?"

"With her siblings, yes. It wouldn't be fair otherwise, eh?" Matthew asked, pulling the car into the parking space near the restaurant they decided to meet up in. Just a small affair, nothing too big but obviously one of the classier establishments since Matthew was trying to get him to wear a tie. Obviously his brother really wanted this meeting to be perfect - but Alfred just settled getting into one of his better looking button up shirts, with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and black trousers. He wasn't about to wear a tie, no way no how. "Anyway, I think we're early, so you might as well get our table first? I just need to get something down the store, I'll catch up with you later."

Alfred laughed, and waved Matthew off before he could himself nagging him to death. "I get it, man. Just go."

"Give me a call if they're here and I'm not around yet, okay? Seriously, Al -"

"I said I got it." Alfred smiled fondly at his brother. "I won't mess up something this big for you."

"Okay." Matthew inhaled sharply, then exhaled sharply. "Okay, Al. Thanks."

"No problem."

It wasn't long before he was seated in a table meant for five, which was just nice, come to think of it - with a fine view of the street outside and the nearby canal separating this part of the city and the next. The atmosphere was surprisingly quiet considering the amount of people clamouring to get into the restaurant - Matthew was really being over the top with this, Alfred decided wryly, smiling at the waiter when she came by with the menu and asking for a plain glass of water before she went off.

"Are you Matthew Williams?"

Alfred looked up, about to say no before he stopped and gawked and holy fucking shit and I think I would like to die now, please? and he's so fucking hot -

The man frowned at him, then repeated his question. "Are you Matthew Williams?"

"Um -" Alfred broke himself off, laughing nervously when he knew that his ears were turning pink right now from embarassment. "No, no, I'm his brother, I just - wow. I had no idea - you're Natalia's brother?"

"Ah."

Ivan Braginski was right there. Right there. Opposite him, grimacing slightly, and moving to sit down in the chair on the opposite side that was facing Alfred and oh lord he was about to do something really embarassing with his pants if he was going to keep on staring at him. Hello, this was the guy who acted in every movie in his precious collection of DVDs above the television in his apartment, the guy he's been wanting to meet, the star of his wet dreams here and then though I'll die before I'll ever admit it. Ever.

Ever.

Oh my god.

"She didn't tell him, then - or Matthew didn't tell you. Natalia uses my mother's maiden name for privacy purposes, you understand. It's nice to meet the family of the man willing to marry my sister."

Alfred simply gawked, and Ivan raised an eyebrow, obviously unimpressed.

"Are you hoping for an autograph?" Even a daft idiot wouldn't be able to miss the condenscending tone, and Alfred was far from an idiot. He suddenly scowled, shoulders tensing in defense as he mentally warred with himself to say oh my freaking god yes, or what the fuck. The choice was quite obvious.

"What the fuck?" Told you so. "Can't a guy be a little bit overwhelmed?"

"Obviously you can do it with a bit more grace, yes."

All fantasies of Ivan Braginski being the perfect guy of his dreams shattered and was thrown into a horrible, horrible pit in his mind.

"You're a real piece of work, insulting a guy you barely got to know a minute or two into the conversation."

"I was merely pointing out something you could work on before you meet another famous persona; it wouldn't do to stare and gawk rudely at every actor or actresses you see, hmm?"

Alfred's jaw dropped. "I do not stare and gawk! It just took me by surprise that my brother-in-law's you, that's all," he growled fiercely, eyes narrowed. "Except that I'm seriously reconsidering congratulating Mattie for getting such a jerk to be family."

"You say that as if I would be impressed having you as a brother-in-law as well."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it means. Now I dread on meeting your brother, I fear he will be as much as an idiot as you are."

"Leave Matthew out of this," Alfred snapped viciously, and even the tone brought Ivan up short. "You can talk bad about me all you want but no way in hell are you gonna diss my brother. I don't care if you're some big shot movie star, if you ruin this for Matthew I'm going to fuck you up so bad you wouldn't even know where you lived, bastard."

Ivan was silent for a moment, before he smirked.

And Alfred was trying to not think of what that smirk was doing to his mind, goddamn it.

"Very well. And if you ruin this for Nataliya, I will not hesitate to make your life a living hell."

"Fine. Whatever."

"Where is your brother?"

Alfred shrugged carelessly, still a little bit infuriated - but he promised Mattie he wouldn't blow this, so he just had to be civil. "He had to pick up some stuff, he won't be long. How about your sister?"

"I had an appointment and went straight here after that. Nataliya and Yekaterina will be here shortly."

"Cool."

"Al!" Matthew's voice called, and Alfred looked up, seeing Matthew with the company of two women - one with long blond hair whose hand he was holding, presumably his fiancee, and another with hair cut short and holy hell, those were some assets. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting - w-wait, are you - ?"

Ivan smiled charmingly, exasperatedly. "I see she hasn't told you. Yes, I'm Ivan Braginski; Nataliya's older brother. She uses our mother's maiden name instead of Braginski."

"No, I mean, she talks about you all the time. Though she never said anything about you being famous, that's all... She just calls you Ivan. Um, my name's Matthew Williams, and it's a pleasure. I see you've met my brother, I hope he wasn't giving you any trouble."

Alfred snorted inelegantly, getting up from his seat and grinning anyway. "I'm not that bad, bro. My name's Alfred Jones, nice to meet the in laws. Anyway, you're Nataliya, right? Congratulations on getting Matthew, you're a real lucky girl." He shook her hand and winced when she returned it firmly - a bit too tight, in his opinion, but nevermind - then moved on to the other one. "And I'm guessing you're Yekaterina?"

"Yes." The woman blinked owlishly. "How did you know?"

"Ivan mentioned your name. We were just talking to pass the time."

She giggled, though Alfred noted it was slightly nervous. "I see. It's nice to meet you too, Alfred. I'm very happy Nataliya will have such a friendly brother in law, I hope you will get along with us too, we're not scary! Really!"

Alfred and Matthew both stared, before the older sibling coughed lightly. "Um, it's totally cool. I think you guys are awesome, Matthew's lucky to have a girl like your sister and uh."

My favourite movie star is a Fucking Bastard, but I guess I can keep that to myself.

"Really? That's great!" Yekaterina exclaimed, smiling a bit too widely to be called normal.

"So, um -" Matthew looked a bit lost, before he smiled fondly at Nataliya when she raised up her hand to touch his own. "Let's sit down! I'm sure we have a lot to talk about, Nataliya talks so much about you, Ivan..."

And when Alfred looked at the couple, even if Nataliya was a bit cold and looked like she wasn't really Matthew's type - he seemed to be more suited for Yekaterina, come to think of it - the adoration in his brother's eyes was real, and the way Nataliya treated Matthew was probably the way she didn't treat anyone else - and Alfred felt a stab of envy at the happiness his brother found. Even though it all started in the shooting range.

(And he didn't really want to think about what Nataliya was doing in a shooting range in the first place. Maybe she was like Matthew, going there once in a while to get rid of aggressive tendencies? Matthew had a streak for being passively so, after all. He looked docile but could be as vicious as Alfred was.)

That's... Probably how they got together.

Shoving aside those thoughts, he tried to not think about what the uncertain future held. He wasn't even going to get into the issue of telling the old man about this new development, and the wedding arrangements his brother wanted help with in the months to come. Was he going to work with Yekaterina over the proceedings? How about Ivan? Oh god, he was going to see Ivan a lot after this. Ivan who-turned-out-to-not-be-the-dreamy-guy-after-all Braginski.

Ivan, who was still his crush even though he turned out to be a stupid jerk after all.

Oh, god.

This is embarassing.

And the first thing that he was going to do when he got back home was take a good look at his DVD collection.

Then he was gonna call up Steve, who was the only one who knew about his little obsession, because he knew when to stop laughing.

After that he was going to bawl about this week's fucking shit with some ice cream on the side.

--

--

end chapter one

--

--

A/N: shit happens when i get a hold of the computer and if i have stupid plot bunnies waiting to die in my head. ivan scared off the paparrazi today or they didn't detect his lumbering presence. oh lol orz. lol alfred you stupid boy. um, he's 26 in this, matthew is same age. polcarstva is the name of this russian game i played a few weeks back. owo

it's gonna be first person view after this in alfred's perspective, probably. he's so fun to write.

ciao guys owo