Title: Testosterone Poisoning

Author: LM Simpson (Kady the Red Panda)

Pairing(s): TeddyxGreta

Rating: T

Warning(s): Teddy being a pervert, crude humor, Kady the Red Panda being a pervert…

Disclaimer: I will never own Monster Allergy's rights. Really.

Other tidbits: I'm sick and bored. I suddenly got this in my mind while listening to "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne for a reason I can't remember.

0000

Greta entered the kitchen as Zick and Teddy placed food jars and bread on the counter. Zick continued untying a bread tie after briefly glancing at his mom. Teddy continued staring at his friend's mother.

He did not know when the infatuation began. All he knew was it suddenly appeared. Her orange clothing complimented her long, blond hair that slightly swung as she walked. Her face was already gorgeous, but there was something about those glasses that emphasized attention to her brown eyes. Oh, and that voice! It was like as if an angel was talking to the boy near him.

His eyes began to scan downwards when he heard someone call his name.

"Teddy!"

Zick held a red labeled peanut butter jar in one hand and a blue one in another. "I said, do you like creamy or chunky on your sandwich?"

Greta smiled on the other side of the table. Her son held the jars in front of him like a weighing scale. Teddy blushed.

"Uh… Creamy…" he said as his finger lay on the red jar.

0000

It's all a phase, he thought as he crawled under his bed sheets. Lay just escaped your head just like that, Teddy. It's going to be the same with Ms. Barrymore. As far as I know I'll find the girl of my dreams right after this crush ends…

His subconscious informed him otherwise. Teddy found himself attired in a green t-shirt, white shorts, and sandals. The wind blew and the air stunk of sea salt and ozone as he stood on the rocky white sand beach.

He could see from a distance a pool of sea foam in the ocean. A figure arose and floated towards the shore in a gargantuan white shell. Her long flowing blond hair covered most of her shame. A hand concealed the remaining breast.

Why does she look so familiar…? Oh!

The woman seductively waved an arm as she daintily stepped off the shell.

"Hello, Teddy," Greta said in a lustful tone.

Teddy did not realize he was not breathing until he began hyperventilating. As much as he wanted to stop, he could not. His chest pain made him scream in agony; he felt like he was about to experience a heart attack.

He woke up and raised his torso. He swiped a hand across his forehead and collected a clammy sweat.

Slamming his body against his bed, he groaned. Ms. Barrymore was now Aphrodite incarnate in his mind, and she was so beautiful in the dream that she almost made literal the phrase "if looks could kill." On the other hand, her appearance would have made a worthwhile last sight before dropping dead from a heart attack.

0000

Zick arrived ten minutes after Teddy invited him by phone to his house. He got off the bike and waved as he dashed to the porch his friend stood at with his hands behind him.

"So you really do have the newest Martial Arts Hamster game?" The younger one asked.

Teddy forwarded his right arm. Suspended in the air by his fingers was a black video case with art depicting a cartoon white Siberian hamster karate chopping a robber's brains out. Above this was the title: Martial Arts Hamster 5: The Savate Fighting Savant.

Zick grinned. "What's Sambo supposed to do in this game?"

"What he does best," Teddy replied as he pointed to the cover art. "I'm at the part where Muay Thai is teaching him how to defeat opponents using only his little toe. Or… whatever he has that you can call a little toe…"

"Do you think we can play it now?"

"Sure, why not?"

The boys entered the residence.

"The Boystation 2600 is in the living room." Teddy said just before he opened the door to it. "If I remember right, my mom is currently in…"

Johanna sat on the couch watching television.

"…Crap."

"Don't you have another TV in your room? We can just move the cables and—"

"No, Zick. It broke two months ago, remember?"

"Oh, right."

Johanna turned her head towards them. "Oh, good afternoon, Zick. How are you today?"

He shrugged. "Fine."

"Hey Mom, I want to show Zick that game I bought yesterday. Can I show him it?"

"Not right now… Maybe after I finish watching this program."

It was a show focusing on "Hot Mama Celebrities." Zick's eyes widened when he recognized the currently spotlighted celebrity.

"Wow, it's the actress-singer Julianne Gordeau-Newman! Doesn't she have seven kids? Look how flat her stomach is!"

"It could easily be from either exercise or a tummy tuck," Johanna said. "I wonder how bad her stretch marks are."

"Stretch… marks?" Teddy asked.

"Why yes, dear, stretch marks. When women have babies their bellies swell and they usually get stretch marks. The same happens when we get fat." She then muttered to herself, "Sometimes I wonder why your father wants me to show my stomach more often…"

Teddy continued watching more beautiful, nip and tucked, celebrity mothers as he thought about Greta. She can't have stretch marks… does she?

Zick popped a question. "Did you know that that aquatic center that's near the school opened a couple of weeks ago?"

"No I didn't… Why?"

"My parents want to take me there tomorrow because they're concerned I'll get sunburned if I swam outside. For all I know it's mostly going to be just old ladies and us. Wanna come?"

"Teddy can go if he wants to!"

"Uh… Sure…"

0000

Teddy and Zick groaned the next day as they stood near the right side's doors. The aquatic center reeked of chlorine and old people. Half of the pool was occupied by the largest elderly water aerobics class both had ever encountered. The other half had a couple of families, including one with a little baby in swimming trunks.

Zob nervously chuckled. "Sorry, guys… Just be sure not to bother the old ladies, okay?"

Greta cradled all of the towels and changes of clothes. "I'll go find a place to put all of these away, boys. Have fun!"

Zick advanced to the pool and slowly entered the water step by step. He shivered. Teddy dipped in as just when Zick's blue trunks were completely submerged. His green swim trunks were bloated by the time he was in.

Zick began to doggy paddle to adjust to the temperature. Teddy occupied his time searching for his friend's parents. He located Zob and Greta at the seating near the pool's center. Greta lounged in a black one-piece. Stunning. The window she was above reflected sunshine on her. Even just relaxing in a ratty old beach chair she was the main attraction in his eyes. Now if only he could see her stomach…

A wave of water hit him from behind.

"Ah, ha! Got ya, Teddy!"

Teddy's lips curled upward. "Why you little…" He splashed back at Zick. Both silently declared a splash war. The boys giggled and laughed until they heard a male voice:

"Zick, Teddy, get out of there!" Zob called. "Someone's baby had an 'accident' in the pool!"

Both stopped.

"Like… that kind of accident, Dad?"

"Yes!"

Both stared at each other and swam towards the end of the pool and climbed out. They ran, skid, and then ran again towards the changing room for a shower, screaming in the process.

0000

"Zob," Greta asked when they arrived at the Detention Oasis, "Will you or I drop off Teddy?"

"I can walk home, Ms. Barrymore." He said as he relaxed in a living room chair next to Zick.

"Oh no, there's been some creeps sighted in the neighborhood lately. One of us is bringing you home."

"You can bring him, Greta. I still haven't got my license renewed yet, remember?"

She sighed. "Alright, then. Let me change into something more appropriate than a bathing suit, then…"

As she towards the staircase, Teddy asked Zick, "I can still borrow the newest Get'em Man comic, right?"

"Sure, go ahead. It's near my bed."

"Okay, thanks! Be right back!" He got up and dashed upstairs. Zick and his parents's side are on opposite sides… Greta would be in the… left side of the house! Yeah, I think that's right!

He tip-toed towards her room. The door was closed, but not completely. A slight crack and he could check her out. He fought to free a perverted chuckle.

His hand reached for the panel just about the handle when the door swung backwards. Greta, now back into her usual orange attire, peered at the boy.

He chuckled and leaned back. "Oh, this isn't Zick's room? Sorry, ma'am!" He zipped to the other side of the hallway and through Zick's room. Closing the door, he inhaled and exhaled before saying to himself, "Dammit, so close!

"Wait… I wonder if there's a window in the master bathroom?"

0000

"For the last time, Zick! We can't play Martial Arts Hamster right now! I'm at the store with my mom! We can play it later! Bye!"

Teddy pressed "end" with a huff. Stuffing his cell phone into his pocket, he reached for his binoculars. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done, he thought as he zoomed into what he assumed was the master bathroom's window. There he was in a tree, dressed in all black so if someone noticed him, he wouldn't be identified (at least immediately) as Teddy Thaur.

He noticed through the binoculars Greta entering the room. All he could see was her waist and everything above. Not that that was a bad thing. She placed her glasses on the sink counter and then grabbed at the end of her top. Off it went into the hamper. As far as he could see at that distance, she lacked stretch marks. Good. Slowly, she reached a hand towards her back. Teddy felt like he was about to melt as her white bra started loosening at the front. He shook so much he had to secure himself against the tree trunk.

The strange thing, she stopped in the middle of this. Holding her bra against her chest with an arm, she placed her glasses back on and stared at him. She then left the room and came back with a gray cordless phone in her free hand.

"Oh, no! Dammit!" Teddy began rushing down the tree branches. He jumped at the lowest one he could without breaking his back or limbs and retreated back home.

He cringed for a week every time the local news mentioned the "Oldmill Pervert."

0000

"Have you heard about any updates for the Oldmill Pervert?" Zick asked as he grabbed a handful of potato chips from the bag.

Teddy fought any compulsive, conspicuous, reactions. "N-n-no…"

"If you have any leads, tell me. I can't believe some pervert would invade my mom's privacy like that."

"Got them now. But the thing is…" He began chomping on a chip. "The room was in a way so that she pretty much had privacy in there as long as no one was in a tree staring at her with binoculars. If I ever find him, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind…

"Did you also hear he's around our age? Maybe he goes to school with you or me…"

Teddy felt sick. "Uh… Can we please drop the subject while we're eating?"

Zick stared at him with suspicion. He shrugged. "Okay, fine… But help me with this when you can, Teddy…"

"Oh, yeah, I will…"

He made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and began to eat in a seat next to Zick. A strange sound was in the other room.

"Um… Gotta go, be right back!"

"Fine," Zick said as Teddy left the kitchen.

He slinked around the house like a stalking cheetah preparing for the attack. The sounds became louder, more eager. They appeared to come from the living room. The twin doors were closed. Whoever was making the noises apparently didn't account for the fact they were partially glass, even if they were frosted.

He pressed an ear against one of the doors. Yep, the source was in here. Then, he heard a sound that made his heart almost stop.

"Ooh, Zob…" Greta moaned.

Oh, those two had guts to do that with the boys in the other room. Especially when he was around. He re-entered the kitchen.

"My mom called me, Zick. I have to go now."

"Okay. I'll see you whenever."

Teddy left the Oasis feeling like he was about to simultaneously hurl and tear something apart.

0000

Greta the goddess re-appeared in this dreams. Every part was the same, except this time she appeared in a flowing white dress and the shell was gone.

Teddy knew he wanted her now. He tried to start moving, but found himself stuck on the broken seashell and rocky beach. "What the—"

"Uh, uh, uh!" Greta said. "I only involve myself with only one man at the time."

"Oh great, even in my dreams you're tied to Mister Zick?"

"Of course! He's my husband! If you want to win me, you have to earn me!"

"Like… how?"

"Oh, a cockfighting contest…"

Teddy gulped. "You mean the kind with chickens … right?"

0000

Teddy stood outside the Barrymore Detention Oasis. He inhaled deeply, and then exhaled the same way.

Okay, Teddy… You're just going to rough him up a little. Hopefully he doesn't use any Dom powers or any karate skills I don't know about…

He stepped upwards the stoop. He rang the bell and stared towards Zick's other next door neighbor's house. A girl his age stood on her stoop, tapping and apparently waiting for someone to let her in. She wore a red blouse and barrette, a blue skirt, white stockings, and black, buckled Mary Jane shoes. Her long black hair extended to her lower black, and those hazel eyes that met his…

The Birth of Venus fantasy reappeared. Now instead of Greta in the sea shell, it was this mystery girl.

She seductively waved as she said in a lustful tone, "Hi, Teddy…"

"Teddy?" The voice this time was male.

"Huh?"

"Teddy!"

He found Zob at the door. "What are you here for, Teddy?"

His arm wanted to raise itself to slug Zob in the nose, but he couldn't do it. No matter how hard he tried, it was the other girl, not Greta, which his mind manifested.

"Uh… uh… I forgot, actually… " He blushed. "I'll just find Elena and Zick wherever…"

He dashed off the steps, turned one last look to see the latest apple in his eye greet a boy behind the entrance, and continued running back to his house.

The vicious cycle began once more.

THE END