Disclaimer: I do not, and have not, owned Harry Potter. I've simply taken some tweezers, pulled the characters out of the books, and let them have a little run around to see what happens.

And so it begins...

So You're a Masochist: Ron Weasley's Unabridged Guide to the Art of Sidekicking

By: Ronald B. Weasley (otherwise known as Ron, Bill's/Charlie's/Percy's/Fred and George's little brother, Harry Potter's best mate, Roonil Wazlib, 'That tall bloke with the red hair'…'Who, that one?'…'Yeah.'); Order of Merlin, First Class; Assistant Arse-Kicker to the Boy Who Lived.

Experiences, Life-Threatening Situations, and Really Bloody Annoying Commentary provided by the rash schemes and prophesied fate of Mr. Harry J. Potter (Order of Merlin, First Class; Chosen One; Boy Who Lived; Master of Death; Witch Weekly's 'Sexiest Bachelor').

Spell Checking courtesy of Hermione Granger (Order of Merlin, First Class; Resident Genius) – yes, thank you, Hermione…can I get on with it now?

Hi.

Blimey, that was absolute rubbish, wasn't it? Let me give that another go. (Stop laughing, Harry!)

Hello, I'm Ron Weasley (if you couldn't tell by the lengthy bit above – unless you're like me, which means you probably skipped that part): maddeningly attractive, brilliant marks, lusted after by all the birds… Ha. (That sounds more like my brother, Bill – he landed a bleeding Veela, for Merlin's sake.) All the same, chances are you've heard of me. (I helped save the world recently, if that jogs your memory at all).

My mates are behind me right now – not in the figurative, 'we're your pillars of loving support, Ron' way, but a 'we're just going to have a good lurk over the back of your chair to see what you're up to', far more irritating sort of way.

I told them it was just a bit of paperwork. Hermione didn't believe me, of course, as she has brain cells.

As you've probably worked out from the title (located on the front, spine, and first page of the volume – all in large, easy-to-read print), this book is something of a how-to guide - specifically, on the ancient and noble art of being a sidekick. (I was originally going to call it 'So You've Got a Death Wish' but apparently a book on the 'training and taming of your new enchanted hamster' already nabbed that one.) Anyway, I was inspired to write this manual when, one day, I was really, really bored. (Charlie suggested it; I think he might've been kidding, but there you go). I reckon it's too late to back out at this point – I mean, I've already got out the parchment and everything, so I might as well stick with it.

What are my qualifications for instructing this delicate craft? In case you were wondering and/or live in a cave, I have many. Good ones, too. These include: being best mates with Harry Potter; breaking every Hogwarts rule short of murder and wearing non-school regulation footwear; being roommates with Harry Potter; tracking down a bunch of famous magical items and places (Chamber of Secrets, anyone?); camping with Harry Potter; ... oh, yeah, and helping take down You-Know-Who. That's one hell of a CV (if I do say so myself - which I just did, I heard me... as did the rest of the room, apparently).

Now that the introductions are out of the way, we can get on to more important stuff, like lunch – no, book, Ron, book! Ahem.

Anyway, if you're reading this book (as opposed to, y'know, sitting on it or something), then you're probably related to me, got this as a crummy birthday gift (I'm genuinely sorry if this is true, I really am), are currently in History of Magic (and are thus bored to the end of your wits), or the best mate of a hero/savior of the world/Chosen One/chronic adrenaline whore.

If the last one applies to you, then congratulations, you've picked up the right book for the task (though it's apparently quite informative – according to Hermione, that is, seeing as she's the only one who has ever and will ever read it – Hogwarts, a History doesn't really cover this sort of thing… I think). Also, you have my deepest sympathies.

What d'you mean, Ron? We've had loads of fun – zip it, Harry; I'm trying to write a bloody book!

See? Heroes aren't all what they're cracked up to be; sometimes they're a right pain in the – okay, okay! Sorry, Harry… diva.

Before I tell you what to expect – which is kind of the reason I'm writing this book – I'm going to warn you about what you shouldn't. Specifically, don't get your hopes up for: a danger-free existence, a believable 'I haven't done anything, I promise' look, a semblance of a normal life, or instant (any) popularity with those of the female persuasion. (Ouch, I just got a smack for that one – yes, Hermione, I do know you're a girl… Merlin).

That all may sound very glamorous and enticing (if you're completely dead from the neck up), but before you rush, wand blazing, into the rest of this introduction, you need to do some deep self-reflection. Think, is it at all likely that you would ever take issue with feeling a) insanely jealous; b) like a dunce; c) pain, lots of pain; d) impatient; or e) forgotten?

If you said 'yes', 'um, I guess so', groaned, or lied to yourself about any of the above, then I don't recommend signing up for the job. It's a lifetime commitment. Seriously, I can't get rid of the bloke now – he's always around. I live at your house, you git – shut it, Harry.

WARNING: If you decide to completely disregard my above advice to plow forward with it and in the near future find yourself miserable and failing spectacularly, don't get hacked off with me; I did warn you.

Moving on…

If you said 'no' with complete honesty, then well done: you've got the makings of a sidekick. Quickly: go brag to all your friends, your parents, your owl, that bloke at the fish and chips stand: today's the first day of the rest of your villain-vanquishing, corruption-crushing, evil-expunging, annoyingly alliterated life! I hope you're prepared… oh wait, that's my job, isn't it?

Now, this is no Divination class; you actually have to work at it. It helps if you're a laugh, though – I mean, you can't just be absurdly good looking (How'd you get the job then? – Oi, Potter, you're running on my last nerve now, I mean it.) I suppose someone like Percy could do it, but who'd want to hang around him for an extended period of time? I didn't think so.

Oh yeah, and don't get me wrong; Harry and Hermione both have a decent sense of humor, but usually Harry's preoccupied with brooding or saving the world, and Hermione's too busy being… well, Hermione. (Another smack! This book's going to be the death of me.)

So, if you reckon you're tough, funny, and good-looking enough – or, like me, if you have very little choice in the matter – then this book is as much of a must-have item for you as a stylish monochrome wardrobe is for a Death Eater (after all, black does go with everything… according to Ginny.)

In this book (and my brain), I've stuffed more tips and tricks of the trade than Malfoy has got hair products. All of which have been accumulated over my long career in sidekicking (not hair products, mind, I don't go for that sort of thing).

Likewise, as I'm a dreadful liar (for example, I've been known to call myself Stan Shunpike in crisis situations) and partially 'cause I just can't be fussed to make something up, the entire contents of this book will be drawn from a stockpile of my own experiences (not in calling myself Stan Shunpike, of course – believe me, that doesn't require a book of instruction… perhaps a brief pamphlet).

In conclusion – er, sort of, as this is only the beginning of the book – my indispensable wisdom (stop bloody laughing!) should hopefully be applicable to your life in a useful way.

Actually, nah, I wouldn't wish what we had to do on anyone; nobody should have to eat mushrooms for that long.

...Hermione'd go spare if she read that, hang on a tic... Okay, good, she hasn't seen –

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MUSHROOMS, RON?

Erm... never mind then.

Well, that was the (lousy) introduction to my (considerably less lousy… I hope – I haven't quite written it yet, you see) book, and now that it's done, I finally get to go to lunch. I'm bloody starving.

I've honestly no idea why I told you that.

Well, I guess I'll see you – er, write you – in a bit. Wait, all you have to do is turn the page, don't you? … Just forget this part, okay?

WHY ARE YOU TWO LAUGHING?

A/N: Warning - potential craziness and Trio-liciousness ahead, just past the next exit, very good, now take a right... it'll be the first ice cream truck on the left, just past the antiques shoppe.

*The idea for a sidekick guide was inspired by Opalish's fantastic parody, Harry Potter's Guide to the Dark Arts.