She wore that phony smile on her face,
I guess like a bandage on a wounded place,
While I kept the keys to every old lock just in case.

Rehearsed indifference tossed aside
Our narrow arms spread wide,
"What unseen pen etched eternal things on the hearts of humankind -
But never let them in our minds?"

Oh, the clouds bring a darkness and a hard rain's gonna fall,
And all my laughter ends in emptiness and a hard rain's gonna fall,
My every medicine causes more illness and a hard rain's gonna fall.

But until I let you go I didn't know.
You, were never mine, you were never mine at all!

Now I spend my days in ever-increasingly complicated ways,
Convincing myself of the rightness of each word I say.

My exit, unfair if unobserved! –(MWY)

Xxxx

Five weeks. Four days. Four hours. Sixteen minutes… (And the time ticked on.)

She's okay. She's okay. She's okay.

Head in my hands and feet dangling beneath me through the railings of the balcony over looking the forest behind the house, I tried to calm myself by repeating those words over and over and over again.

But the mantra that beat heavy inside of my heart and spoke louder than I could think, was the words: Liar. She's not okay. You're killing her. She loves you.

"NO!" I growled, my voice echoing across the expanse of land stretching beyond the borders of the haunted wooden cave I tried to cage myself into. A flock of small birds erupted in panic from their nests hanging safely among the tree branches. I watched, saddened, as they flew higher and higher into the deep grey sky; trying desperately to distance themselves from the tremor of my voice.

I had gone to her. I had to. I had made it nearly all the way back home that night she'd come to me, sobbing and injured as she drove back home, before I turned back around and sprinted for her house, throwing myself with ease up the big tree beside her window. With a start, I realized that though her truck was in the drive, she and Charlie were both MIA. He must have taken her to the hospital.

She was okay. She was okay.

But I had to see for sure. So, sneaking the glass from the sill, I drew my body inside and curled up quietly on her floor. The smell of her was all around, nearly driving me mad with need. Mounds of blankets covered her bed, dust littering her normally obsessively clean furniture; it wasn't the room I remembered. It seemed as if a sick woman lived here now, almost unable to care for herself.

It was killing me.

I could smell sweat and tears dried against her pillow cases and sheets. Slowly, I dragged myself up and closed the distance between myself and her bed. I shook violently as I ran my hand down the pillows and over the quilt that topped her bed. God, I missed her- so, so much.

Sitting down in the rocker beside the window, I waited. She had to be okay.

It felt like ages, but finally Charlie's cruiser pulled up outside and I stilled, unable to move. I watched from the window as Charlie hefted Bella into his arms. It took every once of strength I had in me not to run to him, to scoop her from him and hold her through the night. I wanted to be sure she was okay. I wanted to look after her and take care of her. I knew the effort it took for Charlie to carry her all the way up the stairs and it worried me, for both of them. What if he lost his footing and went tumbling down the stairs?

In a worried frenzy, I leapt from the window, sliding it closed as I dropped to the ground and dashed around to the front of the house. I crept along behind Charlie just out of his line of sight, spotting him in case he took a tumble. As soon as he reached the top of the stairs, I returned to my post in her tree.

I cursed myself the entire time, but as Bella drifted into a medicated slumber, I just couldn't help myself. Stop, you monster. Stop! I tried to tell myself, but I slid the window open anyway and let myself inside. I crept to the rocking chair to sit. As I watched Bella sleep, her dreams seemed fitful and it made my chest ache. This whole time, being away and keeping my distance, this was supposed to keep her safe and happy and healthy. The girl before me seemed anything but and I was sick with worry.

Then the screaming started. I started forward as she began to thrash and roll around in her blankets. I heard Charlie awaken as the smell of her blood filled the air.

It was more than I could handle. With one last painful glance at Bella's writhing body, I flung myself from her window and cursed as I realized that it hadn't completely closed. But it was too late. Charlie was already in her bedroom, holding her, consoling her. So, I did the only thing I could think to do.

I ran.

Sitting here now, I hated myself for it. I hated myself for ever invading her space. I hated myself for hurting her, for not keeping her safe like I should have. And I especially hated that I couldn't be the one to take care of her as she tossed and turned and screamed in her sleep. Worthless.

"I'm a damn monster!" I growled, raking my hands through my hair.

You're not a monster. And I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult my brother like that, asshole.

I pulled my hands from my face, looking around for the small, obnoxious woman that the voice in my head belonged to.

I stared hard into the small break in the trees outlining our yard, waiting. It was only seconds before I spotted her, strolling along at human speed so as to make her presence a little less abrupt. I knew she hoped I wouldn't be as upset if she sprung up on me slowly. She was wrong.

"What the hell are you doing here, Alice?!" I seethed. "I told you-"

"I know what you told me, E. I'm not doing this solely of my own accord. Esme asked me to come…" she put her hands up in front of her, palms facing out, speaking soothingly as if to a psychopath with a bomb strapped to his chest.

"Esme?" I swung my legs from the spaces in the banister and stood in one fluid motion, gripping the railing so tightly I could hear it whine beneath my grip, threatening to explode into a thousand tiny pieces. I didn't care. Let it break.

"Yes, Esme, your mother; or do you remember her? You sure haven't remembered to check in with her since you decided to exile yourself to our old stomping grounds." Alice chided and I wished my moral compass wasn't so ram-rod straight or I'd have dived over the balcony and found solace in the way my fist would connect with her mouth, a resounding crack and a high pitched screech to follow.

Who did she think she was coming here and trying to guilt trip me for not keeping up with my family when they knew good and well where I was and what I was doing? Maybe they didn't know everything, but they knew enough. Why would I put them through the grief of hearing me torture myself day in and day out? I may be a masochist, but I'm not that sick.

"You should go. Now." I threatened, baring my teeth.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I did not come all this way to have a ten second, middle school spat with my brother and then head all the way back home empty handed."

"If you think that I'm returning with you-"

"That's the last thing I expect, Edward. But I need to have something to tell Esme when I go back to them." Her voice held less snark now and more compassion. She tried to negotiate with me, her eyes soft and pleading. She stood just below the balcony and stared up, silently asking my permission to come upstairs; to join me- to keep me from being alone, if only for a little while.

Please, Edward. Give me three days. That's all I'm asking.

We stood, squaring off, no audible words spoken between the two of us for a long while. I knew she wouldn't stop looking after me or Bella once I separated from my family. If I were being honest, I knew all along she would come; I just didn't know when.

Realizing my defeat, I turned slowly for the door, knowing she would follow and follow she did. The door slid closed quietly behind me, her company making the house seem just a little less like a prison. I was much lonelier than I'd ever known, and not only for Bella.

Xxx

The first day was hard. Alice worried over me but did all she could to hide her thoughts by singing or reciting the Declaration of Independence, which wasn't much better. I appreciated her effort, but this was one of the many reasons that I didn't want my family here. She filled me in on things back in Alaska; where Rosalie and Emmett had jetted off to so they didn't have to watch Esme worry, what Carlisle had been busying himself with while staying with the Denali Clan, and how Jasper had been trying to spend as little time in the house as possible, mostly because he was having a hard time dealing with Esme's grief. I balked as she spoke and she placed her hand on my knee, her eyes gentle and sad.

"I'm sorry, E. I wasn't trying to make you feel worse than you already do. I promise." She apologized and I tried to shake off the guilt. How is it that I can so easily destroy the women in my life that love me the most?

Day two was a little easier as Alice had busied herself with cleaning up the place and reorganizing things. I made her promise to stay out of my room and she'd agreed. She hummed softly as she moved things around in she and Jasper's old room. I could tell it made her happy to be up there. There were many happy memories here for her and Jasper and I hated that my selfishness was the reason that they could no longer be in this place that was more home to them than any other place in this world could ever be.

I spent the afternoon and early evening playing my piano and giving my sister music to dance around to. A few times I could hear her foot steps turn into smooth swishes and leaps as she moved in rhythm with the music. A small smile played at the corner of my mouth as I heard her thank me over the noise before she continued cleaning. The evening slipped over us as we spent our day together in comfortable, familial silence.

The sun had just begun to set low in the sky when Alice descended the stairs.

"Edward, we should hunt." Alice tightened the laces on her boots as she grabbed her gloves from the foyer. She didn't really need them, but Bella had given them to her as a gift and I knew they meant a lot to her. So she wore them whenever she had an excuse to. I played on.

"You go ahead." She stepped into the room and I didn't bother to lift my eyes from the piano as I fiddled with a new song that had been tumbling around in my head.

"Come on, E. Don't be stupid about this, please. I don't know what it is exactly that you're trying to accomplish here, but I can guarantee you'll be able to accomplish it a lot more effectively and with a clearer head if you're not dizzy with starvation. You need to hunt." Alice's eyes bore into me as the melody slowed and I dropped my hands into my lap. She was right, I knew, and I hated it. But my last excursion had been a pathetic blood bath that had landed me in a sick pool of regret.

Alice sighed and stepped closer, resting her hands on top of the piano.

"You're already denying yourself the one thing that makes you feel the most alive, the most yourself in this whole world. You don't have to deny yourself this, too. You talk so much about how reckless and stupid you were in the past. Starving yourself with the slightest chance someone could stumble into your path somehow isn't exactly wise. If you're not going to do it for yourself, do it for the rest of humanity here. Ok?"

Groaning, I slid the piano bench back and nodded at Alice as she smiled and we headed for the door. We slid the panels back the way we'd come just two days before and as Alice took my hand and we readied ourselves to leap, Alice's vision slammed into us and had us stumbling over the railing and landing on our knees on the soft, wet earth below.

It was an odd, assaulting swirl of colors and water and pavement. The road stretching out past Forks and onto Quileute land. I watched through Alice's mind as Bella turned her face to the side, her mouth set in an uncomfortable scowl, her teeth digging into the inside of her lip, and then as her eyes closed, she disappeared. Gone. Just a dark, empty, nothinginess.

And I panicked.

"Alice! What was that? Where's Bella? What's happened to her?!" I screamed, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her from her terrified daze.

"I-I-don't… Edward, I don't know!" she screeched, jerking herself from my hold and using her hands to push herself up from the ground. She looked around, frantic, trying to find Bella again-trying desperately to refocus on her future and see something, anything.

"Why don't you know?! Why can't you see her?! Alice, we have to do something. What if she's hurt, what if she's…" she couldn't be dead. How could she be? In the quick flashes of Alice's vision, Bella was safe and sound in her father's cruiser. She had to be okay.

"I can't find her, Edward! There's nothing, just radio silence. I've never had this happen before, I don't understand!" she cried.

"Then we have to go, now. The trees along the road out of Forks, lets go." I growled turning on my heels and taking off toward the treaty line as fast as I could go.

"Edward, you're going to start a war! You can't cross onto Quileute land!" I heard Alice scream after me.

"Screw the treaty, Alice! Bella could be in trouble. I can't let her get hurt. Not after all of this. Not after everything we've done to keep her safe!"

We tore off through the trees like two bats out of Hell, morbid thoughts racing through my mind as we exploded through the forest and over the soggy earth.

The closer we got, the harder I listened. I waited for the sound of her heart beat, or Charlie's thoughts, even the noise of a siren. Anything that could give me an idea about what had happened and where Bella could be. If my heart could beat, it would be hammering out of my chest right now.

The sun was gone now, hidden below the horizon and I was thankful for the cloak of darkness we'd been plunged into that allowed us to move with ease and not have to worry so much about hiding. The sounds of the branches snapping beneath us could easily be written off as an animal or even the wind in the trees.

"This way Alice!" I called over my shoulder, taking a sharp left down the length of a small brook that traced the Quileute border.

Almost there. Hang on, Bella. Please, hang on.

The opening in the trees loomed a head.

"Edward…" Alice warned from somewhere behind me. I was faster than she was and I could hear the struggle to keep up heavy in her voice.

Ten seconds. Nine. Eight.

"Edward!" she called again. But I was too close. I had to know.

Seven. Six. Five.

"EDWARD, STOP!"

Four. Three. Two… I leaped and cleared the boundary with ease.

And then I heard it; we weren't alone.

I had only enough time to spin myself toward the sound of Alice's panicked screams before I was knocked sideways and down into the brook we'd been running along. As I made contact with the ground, I found myself face to face with a giant ball of fur and claws and teeth pressing me into the wet muck, angry snarls ripping from its chest. The water sloshed up over my face and into my eyes and mouth and I gagged on the smell and taste of wet dog and dirt.

Cullen. YOU did this!. It took only a second before I realized the thoughts had come from the animal above me, threatening my life. The giant monster leaned closer, its bared teeth mere centimeters from my throat as I struggled to pull my arms free. With one giant, ripping growl I heard him chuckle threateningly:

You're dead.

Xxxx

-We expected something, something better than before
We expected something more

Do you really think you can just put it in a safe
Behind a painting, lock it up and leave?
Do you really think you can just put it in a safe
Behind a painting, lock it up and leave?
Walk away now and you're gonna start a war

Whatever went away, Ill get it over now
Ill get money, Ill get funny again
Whatever went away, Ill get it over now
Ill get money, Ill get funny again
Walk away now and you're gonna start a war

We expected something, something better than before
We expected something more

You were always weird but I never had to hold you
By the edges, like I do now
We were always weird but I never had to hold you
By the edges, like I do now
Walk away now and you're gonna start a war- (The National.)

xxxx

Yes, I take forever to update. I'm sorry. If you're reading, thank you. If you choose not to because you can never tell when I'm going to update, cool. I understand. I hope the next chapter will be up sooner than later. Happy Christmas to you all!