This fic was suggested by RemmyBlack and is based on Chapter 1 of P.S.: I Hate You where Regulus mentions a fake breakup note he and Sirius wrote for their cousin Andromeda.

I know what Mum said: "Sirius and Regulus have a knack for turning tragedy into stand-up comedy. So don't tell them about you and Robert, Andromeda!"

Since when have I listened to her?

Everyone knew when I started dating Robert. He was cute, came from a good pureblood family, and liked hanging out with me. He alsobought me a guidebook for my birthday present. Yes, a guidebook. Apparently, he could follow a map and get lost trying to find his own bathroom, so he thought I'd like it.

Yeah. Nice try, Robby.

Mum and Dad told me not to tell anyone about the impending breakup unless they asked. Everyone except me had hoped we would get married someday, and everyone but me was devastated when I told them that I didn't think things would work out between us. Mum looked hurt, Dad wanted to know why, and Cissy and Bella both thought I'd lost my mind. So as soon as I could get away from the funeral, I ran upstairs and composed a letter to my favorite cousins:

Dear Sirius and Reg,

Me and Robert are breaking up. Yes, Sirius, it's partially because of the guidebook. Advice?

Andy

Two days later, I recieved their reply:

Andy,

After much thought, we've decided what you should say to him. It's on the other piece of parchment.

Sirius and Regulus

My Dearest Robert,

I would like to begin this letter by saying that my love for you burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Unfortunately, those suns are light-years away, so I can't feel them. I can only admire the blaze through a distant telescope and write a report about it for my Astronomy class. Rest assured it is quite beautiful, but I grow weary of looking at it. I would much rather look at something that is actually on our planet--something besides your face.

Throughout our relationship, I have observed you. I have guessed at your likes and dislikes, and I imagine that I have gotten most of them wrong. How can anyone plumb the complex and mysterious conciousness of a man who gets lost looking for his own bathroom? Maps would only pose a temporary solution, as you are obviously too busy contemplating the mysteries of the universe to read one.

Alas, I cannot marry you or even continue to see you. While your obsession with Dark curses is fascinating and worthwhile, what would become of me if I got out of bed for a snack while you were asleep, and you awoke just as I entered our bedroom? And what of our children? How tragic it would be if our little girl's first words were "Avada Kedavra" and she happened to be holding one of our wands!

I think it is fortunate that we attend two different Houses, Robert. It would be less painful for both of us if the only times we ever saw each other were chance encounters in the corridors.

Move on, Robert. There are plenty more pureblooded girls out there--ones that would think getting lost in their own home is a grand adventure. Marry one of them, and have a nice life.

Yours (but not anymore),

Andromeda