Before you read the story, a few words from me! :
Well i promised a re-write of my first ever fanfiction. It never felt "complete" in my mind and as i go back through and add more, it's starting to feel "complete". I'm also going to rewrite the first few chapters of the sequel, after i get all my updates up, my 2 new stories up, and complete the Alone Rewrite finished. Alone has had an astounding popularity...so far 54 reviews, and 6300+ hits. It amazes me, you guys, that it was read (or at least opened) that many times, and such great and amazing authors have read it and enjoyed it while it was still rough and "incomplete". Love you guys!!
Shoutout: to my lovelies!! To my Candy-chan!! (xx-Chibimuffin-xx i think you're new username is now?) for introducing me to fanfiction, Lovestoread1983 who offered to edit my horrible typos, 0Life-is-a-song0 for her awesomeness and helping me out, and giving me my new story idea! (no spoilers ahahaha!), Sammy-dee for being one of my best and first readers, sorry chica i messed up all your lovely reviews :(, EvilScotsman, for being there when the story was all icky, and liking it anyway, to g.h.s.x. for also being one of my first readers, to Cacaphony of Screams for the same thing (sorry your name isnt quite right chica! i'm typing this and idr how it was! D: forgive me!!), and to any of you other lovelies that was there, since the begining!!
So this is the rewrite, i'm going to go ahead and add them as i get them done =] enjoy!!
Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership to any of the character's i've used, that belong to Squeenix and Disney (yeah, i have some Disney ones later on :D). The story is mine though. The story is mine, and the idea of the one word suicide note is also mine (it was a contingency plan..that i won't enact anymore so no worries!), and some OC's and places will pop up that I made up, so, i own them i guesses. And like i said in my old AN's, Roxas is based almost solely on the way i used to feel...i'm more of a Demyx again, like i should be, than an emo Roxas so tis all good =] just ask any of my friends and AIM buddies i'm a bit of a spazz...lol. =]
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Chapter 1: Lithium
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me?
Lithium, don't wanna lock me up inside
Lithium, don't wanna forget how it feels without
Lithium, I wanna stay in love with my sorrow
Don't wanna let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go, let me go
Roxas POV
I felt so cold inside…a strange numbness that was soft and painful at the same time. After living almost exclusively, every day, with my friends Namine, Kairi, Sora and Riku all these years…after all our plans for the future…how could they betray me like this? Even though I knew in reality that it wasn't that big of a deal, and I shouldn't be this upset…I still was. Planning on going to college together, and learning together, and living together, and all of the experiences you received doing stuff like that with your best friends…why did they have to leave you out in the cold?
Teen hormones. Two words that pissed me off to the extreme. They had all decided they wanted to couple up…which was all good and bloody well for them but what of me? Their little fifth wheel Roxas. They left me alone like always. What's worse than them all making me feel awkward when we hung out?
The girl that I had been in love with for years picked a friend of ours over me. The conversation we had would haunt me forever, I think. And that park we sat at…I would never be able to visit it again.
Pushing her beautiful blonde hair out of her face, she looked me deep in the eyes, both of our baby blues meeting. The butterflies, who had always tortured me in such situations, decided to all out riot, and a blush had insidiously started to creep up my neck. I could feel my ears burning.
And all she did was look at me. Gee, school girl much, Roxas? The only thought I had was, I'll tell her how much I love her…how long I've loved her. How I would do anything for her…
But alas, such a simple few words…the thought of them brought forth such raging insecurities. A dark and evil little voice, one that I knew all too well spoke up. I knew it well, because it was me. My ownself.
She deserves someone better than you. I sneered. You're just a nobody, a nothing. You will never be loved by her, or anyone. Who could love you? I believed every word I said.
After all, if you couldn't believe yourself, who could you believe? I had listened to my own little demon for so long, I don't know. What else was I supposed to believe? I had watched beautiful Namine be beaten, abused, ignored, cheated on, and just plain treated like shit all of these years by dumb asses who didn't know exactly what they held…not as I knew.
And still. Even though I could never do that to her…I still wasn't good enough.
"Namine? I-I need to tell you something." I blushed harder, stuttering. Why the hell did I stutter, for Goddess' sake? But…sitting this close to her, I could smell her sweet perfume…the shampoo she used in her hair. Stalkerish? Not at all. Just stimulation for my blushing. Sitting on this park bench next to her…felt right to me. The trees, the flowers…perfect setting for a confession of love, yes?
"Yes, Roxas?" she asked quietly, looking up from her sketchpad. I was itching to see the pictures she had in there…but I was too shy to ask to see it. Why did I have to act like such a moonstruck fifteen year old so often? "Oh!" flipping through her sketchpad, she came to one in particular she paused on, and stared at for a long time. "I almost forgot this, here, it's for you!"
Quickly tearing out the paper, gracefully she flourished it and handed it to me. I gingerly took it from her…a Namine picture was always special. She saw things others weren't able to, and she had such amazing talent. As I stared, awe- and dumb- struck at the image in front of me, she kept talking, her quiet, smooth as water voice supplying background music to my reverie.
"I don't know what you have locked away, Roxas." she gently placed her hand on my knee. "I feel…such a great sadness and loneliness from you. Whenever I'm near you, when I touch you, I feel it. Roxas, I want you to be happy, I can't help it." leaning towards me she whispered. "You're my all time best friend, you know that right?"
My heart started to beat crazily, a marching tune.
"N-Nami? I L-lo-" my voice was hoarse, so it came out as a whisper, until she interrupted me that is…
"You're my best friend, I just have to tell you!" she squealed girlishly, again her ability to not hear me (well I had talked silently!), and I looked at her in surprise. The only other time she was this excited was when Riku asked her to Senior Prom…
"I don't know how to say this, but…oh gosh. I don't think I can say it!" she held her left hand up, and I stared at it dumbly. Yes hun, you have a pretty hand, get it out of my face.
"Riku proposed to me! After all these years, of me loving him from afar…watching him mess around with that little man-whore my sister is in love with, he chose me!" she started to cry…sweet tears of joy that I silently cherished.
Even if they weren't about me at all.
"Nami, I'm so happy for you. That's great!" I smiled, a fake one that came to me so easily. I leaned over and hugged her gently. "I…I have to go. Got packing and all. I'll TTYL, kay?" and like the little coward I am, I ran from the park.
"But Roxas!" I could faintly hear her call after me. "You forgot your picture!"
Namine POV
"But Roxas!!" I called out to the retreating blonde. Why the hell did he have to run so fast? I had only meant to give him some good news…"You forgot your picture!!" I looked down at the portrait I had done of him.
A side angle, almost a three fourth shot, it was perfect in every detail. I had his pale skin, gold hair, and blue eyes done in great contrast and focus, and a sketchy outline of him in soft blues, and black. The colours of sadness and sorrow.
I saw things about people. Mine and Kairi's older sister, Aerith, was supposed to be "gifted" like our grandmother had been. I don't think Kairi had any "gifts"…she didn't show them if she did. Me and Aerith had been doing weird things since we were both little. Kairi took more after our father, Reno, while Aerith and I took after our mother, Renoa. Well, my blonde hair, no one knows where that came from…in that aspect I looked an awful lot like Roxas.
The things I had just seen coming off of Roxas…pure sorrow, pure loneliness. And I thought he'd be happy. I guess I should have been comforted by the fact he had pretended.
But that made me feel extremely guilty for some strange reason.
Roxas POV
I don't know what all she felt after I ran away. It would never dawn on her, the reason I did though. No matter what she "saw", she would never see me, not ever. That was one crummy afternoon. What followed the next day shattered me all over again.
Not only was it bad news, it was in the form of a Sora Text. Which are incredibly, ridiculously hard to read…a full keyboard on his damn phone and I still get these:
"We al dsided 2 nt get a hous 2gether aftr al, Sry, Rox!"
And:
"O, w8. Wernt u gnna by al d lvng room frnture? Oops! Ges I shdla told u b4, LOL Sry Rox!"
I fumed, needless to say. I now had all of the living room furniture stacked up in layaway, worthless. I looked at the receipt for it balefully. Asshole. Not only was my "best friend" not caring, but I had lost the girl of my dreams to the guy my "best friend" used to mess around with in high-school. I lost her to a gay guy. Lovely. I would never be more than a perpetual friend for her now…the perpetual fifth wheel in the group. No one else liked me, besides that creepy stalker guy…Vexen? Was that his name? I forget. I still had some of the poems he had written for me though.
All alone. I was destined to be alone, it seemed. Sadness and anger, loneliness and pure, undiluted hate (not just for Riku, but for myself.) seemed to wash over me like a crimson tide…and I had to let it out anyway I could.
Alone…such a simple word, with such large consequences. Two slices of a razor, and the crimson flood was out…the sweet pain taking away all thought. I was clearheaded now, focused. I knew what I had to do…why just simply cut myself, when I could make it into a great suicide note? One that when they found it, would make them see how I truly felt?
I had nothing to live for. I could care less about me…I lived for my friends, and family. The only ones keeping me here left me again and again. So I would leave them this time…I'd disappear.
This nobody would turn into nothing, like he was supposed to. All with a single worded suicide note. Alone, cut into my skin. Of course I would have to go over and over the letters again, to make sure they were more visible than the scars that already littered my arms…and the rest of me. But I didn't have a problem with that in the least. I needed the release more and more now, it seemed.
So I started my one word suicide note. One down…four more letters to go. One day, it would be finished, my final testament to the world, and on that day, I would kill myself.
Today was "A".
Tomorrow would be "O". And so on, until, i reached "E", and started all over again, back on "A" and on till "E", so make sure that it was visible. Then, then it would all be over, a sweet surcease of sorrow, a sweet trip to oblivion...
Unknown POV
"So my child, you know what you have to do, yes?" the Goddess loomed over me, her eyes-of-forever peering deep within me. "Do you understand the task I set you to, the gift I give you? This second chance at life." I nodded slowly, trembling.
I loved her and feared her, this goddess named Cosmos. When she directed her full gaze on you…no matter how brave or foolhardy, you fell to her. You fell and wept in joy, fear and bewilderment.
"Yes Goddess. I hear and obey." I stood slowly, my dark leathers, tight against my muscled frame making no sound as I stood. A dark portal appeared, a freezing hot flame, abyssal and yet divine. Dark blue, purple, and black flames leaped at me eagerly and I smiled at them. Stepping through the portal, one last look shot behind me at the most beautiful, kind and good being in the universe (besides the one person that I loved, of course), and her small Shadow, that I had known in a past life.
I'll find you, wherever you are. I have to, not only do I want it with all of my being, but the Goddess has ordered it.
It was my mission, and the thing I wanted the most. To find that person.
Roxas POV
I was awoken by the faint itchy sting I always got when a slash scabbed over. Today was moving day…the day after those horrible text messages, two days after my hope for love had been crushed, and after my decision. It was time to pack all that was me into cold, smelly, and brown cardboard boxes. Sora and the gang had left the day before, each couple to their respective, shared flats.
My older brother Cloud came into my room. He was all that I had left of my family, after our parents died. I had always admired him…his pretty boy looks, his physical prowess and grace, and the way that everyone loved him. I wanted to be loved too. Like a song I heard once…his tiny whispers, love me, love me. It's all I ask for, love me love me. Those lyrics fit me so perfectly.
"Looks like it's time to say goodbye, little brother." Cloud murmured quietly. He had never once raised his voice, my quiet brother. With me he was gentle. And distant. The only way to see his emotions was to read his eyes, which I was very good at. Today I saw pride, and a touch of sadness.
"Yeah." I looked around my empty room. I was leaving my bed, and my nightstand, for when I came to visit. But posters, books, bookcase, desk and chair, clothes, knick knacks, they all resided in five cardboard boxes.
"Make sure you come and visit home. Me and everyone." he paused, and I shot him a quizzical look. I feared he might be tearing up…or losing his mind. Cloud never talked this much with me. I think I mystified him slightly, I looked exactly like him, yet we were so different. "We're going to miss you.
"Yeah." I looked down at my Converse as we walked out the door, the ones that I had begged Namine to draw on once. The artwork was still there, tribal designs that any biker would envy. A voice called from next door, and I looked up slowly. Here comes the party…the group in our apartment building. Or better put, asylum.
We were all a bit odd, okay? My brother and his friend Leon (Sora's older brother) play with fricking huge ass swords. For fun.
"Roxas!" Aerith came running towards me. "I was afraid we'd miss your leave." stepping in close, she breached my bubble and hugged me tight. Of anyone I knew, Aerith was the only one that actually showed she loved me openly.
The warm embrace made tears prick at my eyes. Leon, and Zack, Aerith's husband, stood with Cloud. Three stoic men, though, Zack has a bit of humour about him. He was a bit dangerous at April Fools. I liked him, and Leon was cool too, I guess. A lot like Cloud actually, so like his little brother yet so different.
Zack grinned at me, and handed me a large box. "Aerith wanted to make sure you were set, so you wouldn't get sick. Her special brand of medication, all bottled and freshly distilled." he kissed her softly on the forehead. "My wife, the white witch." she giggled and shooed him away, protesting at his horniness.
Leon flashed an uncharacteristic grin when I accepted the box. Knowing him…I bet he hid something in it to surprise me. Nestling it carefully in the cab of my old, beat up black pick up, I closed the door to be greeted by a flying form. Yuffie, our resident ninja and clown of a damn good pick pocket (she'd get you some great gifts for Christmas…usually things you had noticed missing throughout the year) had jumped from her and her sister's apartment balcony.
"Yo Roxas!" she jumped on me, a fierce hug after Aerith's soft one. Okay I take it back, Aerith, and Yuffie showed me love. But I still could see Zack kiss Aerith on the forehead…and a strange thought passed lightning bolt violent through my mind.
I want someone to kiss me on the forehead. To love me like that.
"Lil-bro, I'm gonna miss stealing from you! You had some really cool stuff and your reactions to getting it back for Christmas made you the best one, fer sure!"
Tifa stepped forward silently in her trained martial artists' way, having walked down the stairs, unlike her younger sister (though I had heard she was the only one that could beat Yuffie at martial arts) and handed me a picnic basket, with the stereotypical chequered table cloth.
"You can keep the basket, for when you take a cute girl out." she grinned, and met Leon's eye, silent amusement twinkling in both sets. Zack chuckled in his gloves, and I had the distinct impression they were all pulling a prank on me. "Your favourite sandwiches and drinks are inside, I know how much you love my cooking." and indeed I did…Tifa was a renowned cook. Her bar got more business than the bigger clubs did, and somehow remained a lot quieter.
I was starting to get a bit edgy…I couldn't take it anymore. Twitching ever so slightly, I opened the driver side door.
"Well…thanks you guys. I'm off now." I jumped into the cab of my truck, the picnic basket joining the box of potions. Tifa and Yuffie joined the others, all of them standing there on the curb, Aerith and Yuffie both crying freely, Tifa looking unruffled, but caring, and the three men all snickering stoically (believe me it's possible, their doing it right now).
My family. All of them, and they cared enough to see me off, and give me things to help me out. I drove away quickly, cresting the hill that separated our apartment complex, Traverse Town (named after the fact that the buildings rambled everywhere, and that we had a convenience store that Tifa's long time boyfriend, Cid, ran.) from the rest of the city. Happy thoughts prevailed supremely in my mind, and I quickly turned on my radio, sneaking one last glance in the rearview.
The last sight of them ruined my happy thoughts.
They don't love you; this is because they feel like they have too. The dark, little voice that was me, and not me, whispered in my mind, Wake up, you nobody, no one will ever love you like you wish they would. Look at them now, as you drive away! LAUGHING AT YOU. They know you're going to be a failure.
And they were. They were all doubled up in laughter…at me. I agreed with my voice in that one moment more than I ever had before
Cloud POV
I watched as my brother left. My friends were already laughing at the joke they had pulled on poor Roxas. Apparently, Leon thought it would be hilarious to pass the younger Strife a boxful of condoms…but I for one, didn't really think they'd come in use. Unlike his older brother, Roxas had never had or thought of sex. Unlike me, Roxas I was afraid, was sexless.
Of course, he probably hadn't dreamed of participating in the kind of sex I had, either. I turned to my secret lover, and Sora's older brother laughed out loud at my expression. I knew I was glaring.
"I know, your going to be mad that I got him all those condoms. But it's better than him getting some girl pregnant when he does get interested in sex." I just glared, the idea of Roxas having sex was something I didn't think would happen. Way to ruin my poor brother's self esteem for being strange. "Oooh I see you're mad at me."
Leaning close he silently and smugly whispered in my ear. "I'll let you spank me tonight. I deserve punishment."
I couldn't help but smirk, no matter how pissed I was. He sure as Hell did. Quickly pulling my lover (and true love, though I hadn't admitted that since our first night) into an embrace, licking softly along Leon's jugular. He shivered, and a slight moan escaped through his lips as I grabbed his manhood in a tight, yet gentle squeeze. I quickly caught his lips in my own, thankful the others had the courtesy to leave us at our fun without giving us grief.
"Let's go get you punished." I whispered hoarsely, and I smirked just a bit more. We could be as loud as we wanted now, since Roxas had left the roost. It was the only good thing about this whole ordeal.
Even though I was distant…and didn't show my feelings a lot, I would really miss my little clone, that wasn't such a perfect copy as he appeared. He was the last thing I had of my parents, and the only thing I loved for a long time. He was my light in the darkness of my past, which I wasn't proud of…which Leon had saved me from.
Yes. Roxas was my light. And Leon was my home, if that makes any sense.
SO? how was it? :D if you've already reviewed this chapter...well sorry!! :( i'll be posting an extra chapter, at the end when i'm finished all the way, with an all new scene and a preview of the sequel and prequel (He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not and The Silver Lining respectively)!! Love you lovees!! And if your new, review please!? :D