I have no rights to Southern Vampire Mysteries, or any of the Characters. I simply enjoy repeating what they say when they run through my mind ...

It had been a week since the fairy war when I was kidnapped by the fairy twins, who tortured and tried to kill me. I couldn't keep the sadness from consuming me anymore. I tried to be strong- really- but I kept falling apart. The fact I was falling apart made it worst because it was yet another sign of my weakness.

I just couldn't believe how my life turned out. All I ever wanted was a nice simple life. To be accepted in my community, loved, and have a family. Since the fairy war, I spend a lot of time thinking about my life, how I came to be where I was now, and if I could have done anything different given the chance.

Soon I realized there was no step I could have taken that would have led me anywhere but where I was right now. Hailey, my cousin, had told the Queen about me and my telepathy before I had met any vampires, so Bill or no Bill, Queen Sophie Anne would have found me and bound me to her vampire child Andre, assuring my involvement in the bullshit that was vamp politics.

Then there is my Great Grandfather. Being that I am part fairy, I guess I was destined to be used as a pawn in Fairy politics too. It's just so overwhelming to know I really had no choice in the direction of my life. I mean really, it could have been so much worse, and there was absolutely no way for it to have been better.

Eric helped me so much. Looking back, I realized he tried to give me a little control over my life. At the time, I didn't realize he was the only one who at least tried to give me the illusion of choice.

What if... no... I can't go there.

I couldn't play the 'what if game' just to wallow in the guilt for a while longer. I spent too much time already thinking about the people who have died- because I failed to act, the pain that I brought on myself - by being naïve, and how I failed to protect the people I loved because I'm a freak. What good would it do to go over it again?

At the time, I was so positive that I could protect everyone. I was so certain that my abilities would be so useful to people, that I could use it as a bargaining chip. No... That would be too humble, because my intentions were way more arrogant... I honestly thought it was more like a game of chess, and I proudly thought that I could be a pawn. Not a big player mind you, as I only had a few moves, but I could make some decisions in my life.

Little did I know, that I was nothing more than just a piece of felt or dirt scattered on the chessboard. With each of their movements, and really it didn't matter who moved, I was dragged, battered, and pummeled, along with my loved ones. I was left to recover only because no one noticed that felt/dirt bleeds - until the next time they decided to move -injuring me again.

My sobs exploded out my chest as I felt the absolute idiocy of my situation. How could I be such a fool to believe I had any power to affect my life in the Supe world? My sobs turned into uncontrolled lunatic laughter as I thought about how insignificant I was in the big badass world of Supes.

Well damn, there is just nothing for it now, because I'm stuck here. This is where I am supposed to be, and if I run, there are at least two beings who could find me. Shit, how did I get here again? Oh right, supposed to be... ugh this is getting me no where going round and round and always back to the same thing, my life has never been, and will never be -mine.

I turned my attention to the house phone that had been ringing for a while now, and still I refuse to answer it. I don't want to talk to anyone while I am going through a mental breakdown. I had been going round and round, sinking farther into despair with each go around, and I didn't want anyone to see or hear me like this. Unfortunately, when my cell phone rang, I just knew I had to answer it, because - more than likely it is some fucking Supe summoning the telepath. Oh god, did I really think that? I'm losing it.

"H- Hello?" I answered tentatively.

"Sookie, its Bill. Sweetheart, what's wrong, your feelings are all over the place," Bill said in greeting.

"Oh Bill- Are you healing?" I asked him. Bill is my ex, someone else hurt because of me. He is recovering from silver poisoning that he sustained saving me from the Fairy Twins. He is also my first love and the person who I felt hurt me the most, when I found out he was sent to Bon Temps to seduce me with the goal of sending me to Queen Sophie Anne. I started laughing maniacally- freaking Bill out.

" Sookie! Sookie! What's wrong! Talk to me. I can't leave my house yet. I'm not healed yet. Sookie! Answer me!" he called.

I felt the phone drop; I just couldn't hold it anymore between the tears and the laughter. I went back and started reliving my faults from the beginning with Gran, Jason, Tara, Alcie, Quinn, Bill… and on… and on… Reliving the pain, going over my choices, seeing each way I failed.

Don't you see? Each time I had no choice in the direction of my life. I could still hear Bill yelling for me on the phone. He knew I was not in physical pain, but he could hear my despair. He just wanted to comfort me, but I don't want to see him. I also don't want to worry him either. He could listen to me have a breakdown or he could just hang up.

How could I have done things differently? Who could I have saved? Damn it Sookie, I told myself, STOP. Even though you were meant to be stuck here, you shook things up, and made your own path. It may have all led to the same place, but you were able to affect small changes. Why couldn't I make big changes?

What changes did I make? Because it could have been bad, but it wasn't, and I did that. Hummm, what can I do to regain some control in my life, I mean as much as anyone can. It all leads back to one answer, even if I didn't particularly care for it. I was an unusual human.

Hasn't everyone been trying to tell me that my whole life. People in my town didn't accept me because of my gift. I was Crazy Sookie, cute to look at, but nothing more. Weres and shifters were always trying to keep me safe because I was human, and that equaled weak and fragile. Vamps were constantly trying to harm me, either by acquiring me or trying to dispose of me. I remembered what Bill drove in my head repeatedly. He is Vampire, and that is just pain different from human.

I needed to change something. It was just an hour before dawn when I called Eric from the house phone in the kitchen. He didn't answer but I knew he would get my voice mail and understand the message. He always tried to give me what I wanted. Even when he couldn't he would talk me into believing what I had to do was what I wanted to do.

Eric will call me back, and he will help me, I hope. I wasn't sure if I loved My Eric, or Eric- Sheriff of Area 5, but I knew I loved him. I also knew that whatever I decided I would put my faith in the hand of the person I loved.