The mission had been terrible. No, screw that, It had been a fuckup of biblical proportions.
And now he was lying here. The same room, the same bed, the same Goddamn position he had been in for the past few days. He had caught snatches of conversations spoken near his bed
"… won't wake …"
"… no reason…"
" … keep attempting to rouse the captain …"
And then there were words spoken to him.
"..Jim, kid wake up.."
"…Captain, I must insist you rouse yourself…"
"…Jim, goddammit wake up…"
The more time passed, the more urgent the voices became. He knew he knew them, but he could not name them. And still they insisted he wake himself.
He tried. He tried so hard, but after two weeks of trying, he put less effort into waking. Or was he just weaker? It was hard to tell.
On the third week, he was tired, so very tired, he stopped trying, he let go.
"You sure about that, kid?"
He was confused. That voice was clearer and closer than, the one that usually called him 'kid'. This voice was in his head.
"Why not, What do I have to lose?" He retorts to the faceless voice, all bravado –his natural defense. He has always used false bravado to hide behind… hasn't he? He can't remember.
An image floats to the forefront of his mind. An image of a man in a uniform. Is that him? He can't remember who he is what he looks like but he thought his eyes were a different colour. His hair too. He cannot remember what colour they were, just that they were different.
Amusement. He feels it, but not from him. The voice speaks again, "No James, I am not you." James? Weren't those other voices calling him Jim?
"Yes, Jim. Short for James. James Tiberius Kirk, to be exact."
"Well now I know my name, you gonna give me yours?"
"My name is George, George Kirk. But you should … rather I should say, I would prefer you call me Dad or Father."
"Huh." A pause. "I don't remember you."
"You wouldn't. I died when you were young."
He imagines that this should cause him upset. That he should be 'emotionally compromised' (and where did that phrase come from?) and he probably would have been, had he even remembered who the hell he was.
"You call yourself Jim. Or if you want to impress; 'James T Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise.'"
Captain. As absurd as it sounded, that did feel right.
"And you are my father?"
"Yes."
"Who are the others?"
"What others?"
"The people that are continuously demanding I get up. Although there are only two of them coming now, really."
"They James, are the what you have to lose. They are why you should not let go."
"Who are they?"
"Your crew." His father's disembodied voice answered. "The two you speak of are Spock and Bones."
"What the hell kind of names are they?!" he shot back, even as the names he was given stirred something, some memory locked, hidden.
"Spock is a Vulcan name. He is your First Officer and a half-Vulcan," his father was obviously amused, "Bones's real name is Dr Leonard McCoy. You created that nickname for him."
"Huh."
He feels confusion and frustration emanating from somewhere, wherever his father is. "Well what do you expect?" He demands. "I don't remember them. How can I miss or grieve for something I don't know?"
"Then grieve for what is to come."
He was about to ask what, when more images floated through his mind
A young curly-haired man, almost a boy, blamed for the confrontation with an enemy vessel causing loss of lives. He had navigated through known hostile space without the proper authority.
He was about to say something when the picture changed.
A woman dying after she mistakenly translates the negotiations incorrectly. Her companions were lucky enough to be killed instantly. But she was female. He could not even look away as she was raped and stabbed.
The picture changed again.
A young-ish man (not as young as the first) stabbing himself with a knife or sword so he could join his lover who had destroyed himself after years of self-blame for those deaths. He knew that it was the younger man who had been this dark hair man's lover.
A new image.
The most brilliant engineer in Starfleet court-martialled for being drunk on duty with alcohol from his own distillery. He knew the man was in mourning, for too many friends lost.
A new image took the present one's place
A man ("Bones" he thought softly) being killed by a patient he was trying to treat on some unknown battlefield on an unknown planet. He was by himself. He knew Bones should have been guarded by someone.
One final picture.
A man - not human but Vulcan. ("Spock" he thinks fear gripping him, for this was almost the worse fate yet) A Vulcan slowly going mad as he kept silent about his illness. First a loss of control, before the dignified, intelligent man became like the rabid dogs from so long ago, and like those dogs from so long ago, he was put down, coldly surrounded by people who were not his friends.
"STOP!" his head ached from his cry his heart trying to beat out of his chest, and the lights shooting pain into his eyes.
Lights? He squints his eyes so the lights aren't as painful and notices the two people immobile in his room. A blonde woman and a man, "Bones" He whispers.
The spell is broken and the duo start moving; Bones toward him, and the woman out of the room.
"Jim thank every god in every deity." He has never heard such relief coming from his friend's voice. But how does he know that? He can't even remember anything other than what his father had told him. He looks up at his friend.
Grabbing his arm he tells him, "I won't let it happen Bones, I won't."
"Of course you won't." His friend tries to pacify him, before he feels a small sharp pain in his neck. Should have watched out for the Hyposprays is his last thought before the blackness envelops him.
This time he remembers. He remembers who he was, and why he never knew the man talking to him once again from the space of his own mind, "Is it not worth it?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
"Can I stop it?" This conversation with his father is faster, as Kirk is able to think properly this time.
"You already have begun to stop it."
"What? How?"
"Ensign Chekov will not be distracted, neither will Lieutenant Uhura. He will not plot the wrong course, and she will not use the wrong words. This in turn will save Lieutenants Sulu and Scott. Hence Dr McCoy and Spock will have people looking out for them, neither will suffer the fate you saw."
"But they will suffer." It is more of a statement than a question.
"Like every person. In the end someone will die and others will suffer. That is inescapable."
"The what is the point?"
"The point? They will live. And yes they will die, but not like that. They will go with dignity befitting of the people they are."
"Like you did?"
His mind is doused in guilt from his father. "I would have done almost anything to be on that shuttle with you. Almost anything except give up the lives on my wife and son. Yes, maybe I saved a shipload of people, maybe that's what I am remembered for. That is not what I was thinking about when it happened. I was thinking about you, that I need to get you and Winona to safety. At least in that I succeeded."
"You also saved my friends."
"Again I was only thinking of saving my son. You would have felt and maybe seen the fates of these friends of yours. And that would have destroyed you more terribly than any of the fates of your friends."
If he could have, Jim would have nodded. He held himself responsible for the death of any of his crew and they weren't even close to him.
Jim soon started to feel his father withdrawing from his consciousness.
"Father!" Jim felt his father pause.
"What happens now?"
"Now you live how you were supposed to"
"Will we ever get to talk again?"
"Only if something similar happens, and you are as badly injured. So in that case, I hope not"
"But-"
"But you have your crew – how you were supposed to."
The first think Jim heard as he came round was Spock's deceptively even and seemingly calm voice. "We have spent the past three weeks two days and 4.39 hours trying to awaken the Captain, and you now inform me that you have injected the Captain with a compound created with the single purpose of inducing a human to remain unconscious?"
"And who is the doctor around here you pointy eared hobgoblin?"
Jim had never heard a better sound then his two closest friends arguing. He couldn't help it.
Jim threw back his head and laughed.
He never mentioned to his crew those conversations with his father. If they were that.
When Bones asks him about his shout of "STOP!", he says can't remember.
When Chekov and Sulu start dating he congratulates them, with only the smallest warning not to let it interfere with work.
When Scotty builds the distillery, he hints to Scotty over a glass that he will be able to look the other way unless Scotty drinks on duty.
When Uhura finally screws up a translation, it is over a year later and with a different people that find her mistake amusing (But Jim still doesn't let his guard down until they're leaving orbit).
When Spock goes into Pon Farr without a bondmate (T'Pring had been lost on Vulcan) Kirk asks Spock to bond with him. He'd be damned if he loses his Vulcan twice.