A/N: In 2x21, when Dan tells Serena that her "marriage" to Gabriel must be the result of her reaction to something, I immediately thought: she's reacting to NB. It's plausible, and I wish they'd taken it in that direction. Read it? Review, please.

Just So You Know

She is honestly the last person he expects to see when she shows up at his apartment that still feels nothing like his own, standing outside his door with her arms crossed, her sweater wrapped tight around her body. The moment she sees him, she lets go, hands falling to her sides like she doesn't have to worry about reining herself in when she's around him. Relief dashes over her features, her eyes full. "Nate," she breathes, and pauses, swallowing hard. "I need…I need to talk to you."

"Oh-okay," he stutters out, feeling his blue eyes go wide. "Are you okay?"

She laughs, just a little bit and to herself, her face crumbling. She presses her knuckles briefly below her nose, resting just over her lips, like she's trying to hold back a sob. "I need to talk to you. Can I come in?"

"Of course," he steps aside automatically, letting her in, her arm brushing against his as she shoots him the briefest of smiles and breezes past. His door has always been open to her; this reminds him strikingly of the days when they were both still kids and he loved her more than he knew it was possible to love, and she'd show up on his doorstep in those pink pyjamas she used to wear with a bag over her shoulder and a smile on her lips that didn't reach her eyes.

"Do you want…something?" he asks as she shrugs off her sweater and curls up on one of the sole pieces of furniture, his couch, legs tucked up underneath her. Awkwardly, he rubs the back of his neck. "I think I might have some wine…there's a bag of those mini carrots in the fridge…or I could try to make you a martini…"

"I want beer," she interrupts bluntly. "Do you have beer?"

He grins, relaxing easily under her gaze, because this is Serena. "Hell yeah, I've got beer," he tells her teasingly, pacing into the kitchen and opening up the fridge.

He stops short on his return, grin fading the slightest bit. She's shed her sweater and is turned away from him, staring out the window. Her face is thoughtful, her eyes shining, maybe from tears. He lets his gaze drift downward, raking over her body, and tries to remind himself to be a supportive friend and not get distracted by his ever-present lust for her. "Beer," he says loudly, moving again, walking toward her and handing her one of the bottles.

Serena's lips quirk upward again momentarily when she turns back to him, accepting the drink. He watches her carefully as he takes a seat at her side. Her hair is loose and a little bit messy, and one of her bra straps has slipped out from under her shirt, falling down her arm, though she doesn't seem to notice. She looks just a little bit undone, but that's the way he likes her, that's the way she's meant to be.

Just by looking at her, he can deduce that this is a typical Serena emergency. He's seen enough of those situations, enough of her, to know that with total certainty. It frightens him a bit, because the balance was lost so far long ago, and they, the two people sitting here on this couch, are responsible for it. They grew up secure in their foursome, and when it came to handling Serena, they divided the responsibilities. Serena is just so much, so much hair and legs and energy and trouble-making ability. It just worked that way; Blair took care of emotional meltdowns, Chuck was in charge of late-night partying madness, and Nate had everything else, the trivial things and the in-betweens, which may have very well been the important parts.

Now, as he sits here looking at her, he sees a surprising amount of trust in her eyes. Whatever is going on with her, she expects that he'll be able to handle it, and he honestly doesn't know if he will. He doesn't know her like he used to…and yet, maybe he does. As he looks at her just a little closer, he sees sparkling blue under the coat of tears in her eyes, the fact that her hands are clutching the beer bottle but not shaking; she is not falling apart, she's piecing things together, and that's just as difficult but not as scary. He exhales in relief.

"So what's…what's going on?"

She sighs. He thinks about taking her hand, but she's got her beer in a death grip. She rests her head against the back of the couch, says tiredly, "I got married."

His jaw drops – this is most certainly Blair's territory, her issue to deal with, not his – but before he can even begin to formulate a reply, she makes a face, one he knows well. It's frustrating in an endearing way, her oops, I think I drank a little too much expression. She winces and carries on: "At least…I think I got married."

He doesn't want to smile, he really doesn't, but he can't resist the way his lips tug upward. More Chuck's zone than Blair's, apparently. "You think?" He shakes his head fondly at her. "Tell me the whole story, Serena."

"I…I was in a rut. So I went to Spain with Poppy –"

"Poppy Lifton?" he interrupts with a smirk, because Serena's the only person he knows who doesn't call the infamous socialite by both her first and last names, and he's always teased her about it.

Serena shoots him a smile that strikes the perfect balance between adoration and exasperation before forging on, "And her boyfriend, Gabriel was there. But they broke up on the trip and I…stayed behind to keep him company…"

Nate grimaces. He knows what that means. "And you think you married him?"

"Yeah, well…he was screaming I love you and knocking on this door to wake up a priest and I –"

He cuts her off, he can't help himself: "Did you say it back?"

Her brow furrows. "I didn't say I do, I said si, but –"

"No. I mean…I love you. Did you say that back?"

She's clearly startled, her eyes exploring his face carefully. "Does it matter?" she asks, and her voice is suddenly soft, more vulnerable than it's been since she first showed up and said his name.

He shakes his head but doesn't really answer her. "So…married, huh?"

"I don't know," Serena repeats, still giving him that same searching look. "I went to talk to Cyrus this morning, he's going to see if he can help me sort this out. I don't know what happened, exactly."

"And you came to find me because…"

She exhales sharply, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment before gathering her courage and saying, "Because…I was at the Waldorfs', talking to Cyrus, and Dan was there being a cater-waiter –"

"Cater-waiter?" he asks incredulously with that same reluctant smile.

Her lips curve upward until they match his. She nods, "And he overhead me coming out of Cyrus' office, and he was acting kind of jealous so I asked him about it and he said…" She clamps her lips together, her eyes filling up again.

"What?" Nate inquires instantly, thinking that Dan had insulted her somehow. "What did he say to you?"

"Nothing bad," Serena says quickly, her voice strangely choked. "It's just…" She trails off, looking down, laughing at herself. "God, would you have ever guessed that it would be Dan who would give me my biggest epiphany?"

He lets the words sit in the air for a moment before he reaches over and gently takes her chin in his hand, forcing her to meet his eyes. He feels a strange crackle of some kind of electricity; it's been an absurdly long time since he's touched her. Curiously, he surveys her expression before speaking softly. "Hey. It's going to be okay, you know that, right?" Trying to coax a smile out of her, he continues, "You always get married. You know, Aaron, summer camp, that ring a bell?"

Serena rolls her eyes, but she grants his wish for a smile, accompanied by a breathy burst of the laugh she's had for as long as he's known her, which sometimes feels like forever. "How'd you even find out about that?"

Shrugging, Nate says, "I've been hanging out with Blair. She told me."

"Wow," she says faintly, and when he looks at her for an explanation she elaborates, "It's been way too long since we've really talked. Since we've talked at all."

"Yeah." He lifts his hand, lays it down on the couch in the small space between them, and it only takes a moment for her hand to land over it. "We should fix that."

She looks away from him again, gaze trained on the floor. "Natie," she sighs. He can't even remember the last time she called him that.

"What is it?" He shifts closer to her, their knees touching. "I know there's more. Tell me."

Taking a deep breath, she meets his gaze, eyes blazing. "I came back for you," she states, quietly but confidently.

He frowns, at first, because he's never been all that great with catching subtleties – the wonderful thing about Serena is that there rarely are subtleties in the things she says, they're all in the ways she acts around him, and it's why they relate to each other so well. "But I thought you came back from Spain becau –"

"No." She laughs, more at herself than at him. "Nate. Last year. I…I came back for you," she says softly, well aware of how sacred those words are, how long he ached to hear them.

"But…" He grips her hand, presses his knee against hers, and wonders if it would be inappropriate to get even closer to her. "But, Eric."

She nods carefully. "He…he needed me. He was the reason I packed my bags and got on the train and…but Nate, you were the reason I came back. You were the reason then. And maybe…" She sucks in some air but she's brave about this moment, she doesn't look away from him. "And maybe even now."

His head is spinning, solely because of her words, because he's not tired or sick and he's taken maybe two sips of his beer. To get those words, to hear her say them, to hear what she's feeling; it feels surreal. "But…Serena. Fuck," he murmurs, his eyes boring into hers. "I asked you! I asked you point blank and you…"

Her chin quivers. "I couldn't – I – Nate, I had to protect Blair, I had to be on her side, and things were such a mess in my life already…"

"And now? Why are you telling me now, when Blair and I just got back together?"

She winces, like she doesn't want to think about that. "Because…when I excused Dan of being jealous, I kind of thought it was about him, but then he said…he said I had to be reacting to something, if I was just going to run off and marry – or maybe not marry – a guy. And I realized…" She looks at him, letting him fill in the rest.

"You're…um, reacting…to me and Blair?"

"You and Blair again," she says, pained. After searching his eyes for another moment, she sighs. "Look, I just…I just wanted you to know, Nate, because I never told you how I felt and I should have. Nothing at all has to come of this."

"No," he replies harshly. "You didn't just want me to know. We don't work like that, Serena. Tell me, why this time, why now? Why when Blair and I have our second chance? I asked you," he says again, a lump in his throat. "I said you were back now and you just cut me off. Do you even know what we could have had? You and me, we could've…"

She's staring at the floor. "I couldn't do it then. I couldn't do that to Blair, not after we…"

"You shouldn't have run away." He regrets the words as soon as he says them. "I mean, I understand, but I wish…"

There's complete silence for a moment, stillness between them. Her hair is hanging in front of her face, hiding her expression.

"I wish, too," she finally says, so softly he barely hears her, but passionately.

"Why now?" he asks again, making sure to be more gentle. "Why are you willing to hurt Blair this time around?"

Serena tucks her hair out of her face and he sees a tired smirk touch her lips, even though she's still looking away from him. "Do you believe that? Do you really, truly believe that you and Blair are going to have the life she used to dream up for the two of you? Do you really think you're it for her, that even if you stay together for some reason, she won't wish for Chuck everyday? Do you honestly believe that those two won't get back together, and that one day they'll actually work it out?" She pauses, lets him absorb her words and ask himself those questions – the answer is no, no, no, over and over again – and then says quietly, "If you really believe that, Nate…then I'm sorry for saying this. I'm sorry I came here today. I'm sorry that…I don't know how like I thought I did."

He sighs heavily, watching a tear drop from her chin onto her lap. He pushes the hair that's falling into her face again away, gently touches the tears on her cheeks as she looks up at him again. "I don't think that," he admits mutedly. "Any of it." He wants to let it go, but he can't, he has to say, "But before –"

"Before, I let it happen. I didn't get in the way of you and Blair because you were both…you seemed happy, and I wanted that for both of you. It seemed like it was working, even if it hurt. But now…now it's not working. I didn't want it then, and I don't want it now…I never wanted it, Natie." Her lips press together until they turn white. "I can't run away again. I can't…can't let you go…again," her voice is choked, tight with emotions buried long ago.

"Don't cry," Nate tells her softly, catching another of her tears on the pad of his index finger.

"It's just…maybe it's stupid, but I always figured…that we'd find our way someday. When we were older and a little smarter and we were ready to take a risk, we'd work all of it out."

"But…all that stuff with Dan, on again and off again…" He trails off, feeling like a hypocrite the moment he realizes he's done the same thing with Blair. He smirks sheepishly at her and she almost smiles back.

"There's just…there's been too much of him, and too much of Blair…" Her fingers squeeze his. "And not enough of you. Not enough of me and you. I always thought we'd be together, one day, that we'd have to be. Because…I can't picture it any other way."

Silence, strangely comfortable, descends on them, a wordless acknowledgment that they feel the same way. And they just sit in it for a minute, breathing. She smells good, she feels good, and she looks so devastatingly beautiful in that moment that he wonders how there was ever a second in his lifetime that he didn't notice it. It was always just Serena. No matter where the labels laid, no matter who he called his girlfriend or his best friend, it was always her.

"I really love this apartment," she murmurs finally, looking around appreciatively with a small smile on her lips. She holds tight to his hand and turns back to him, her eyes light and forgiving. If he wants to let it go, she'll let him, because she is wonderful in that way.

Nate cracks a grin, because of course she loves this Murray Hill apartment that everyone else has scorned. Of course she does. He lifts his hand back to her cheek, his palm touching her skin intimately. "Hey," he says softly, and she looks at him trustingly, sweetly. "If you are married to that Gabriel guy…you're gonna get it annulled, right?"

She giggles, leaning into his touch. "Yeah," she whispers.

"Okay," he says. And he fully intends to leave it there, to let them absorb this new beginning, this time when they won't let themselves pretend that they don't feel something like love. They can do it right, he thinks, with dinner dates and shared popcorn at movies and a first kiss at her doorway.

But it seems a bit ridiculous, because he's already done all of that with Serena, because he's known her for so very long, and she is not dinner-movie-dates and doorways, she is freedom and amusement parks and sneaking away from brunch; besides, restraint has never really been their forte, and the way she's looking at him right now is just…wow… They don't really have to worry about Blair, because the reality of it all is that Blair could probably use a push back toward Chuck. And to top it all off, she came back for him, she came back for him…

And then he's pulling her beer from her hands and setting it on the floor, leaning her back into the couch and kissing her hard, and she is that blissful combination of familiarity and excitement that has always been so satisfying to him, giggling and gasping and kissing him back, and they're going to christen this apartment together, right here and right now, because he feels secure that one day it is going to belong to them both, together.

Because she came back for him, and that was all he ever needed to know.