Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or a turbo wheelchair (yet).
"Started on what?" Dean whimpered, feeling incredibly self-conscious. Gert smiled,
"My ladies and I just want a night on the town. Now kindly get on with the show."
"We aren't strippers!" Sam protested at the same time Castiel growled,
"I am an angel of the Lord and will not be ordered around by lustful cougars."
"Cas!" whispered Dean, terrified, "You're not supposed to call them that to their faces!" One woman stood up and whacked Castiel in the face with her purse.
"Such blasphemy!" she scolded, "Humans are not angels!" Castiel's eyes welled up with tears.
"But...but I am an angel." He looked at the brothers, bottom lip trembling, "Aren't I?" Dean crawled to Castiel's side,
"Yes Cas, you are an angel. You could smite these creepy old biddies if you wanted to." Castiel shook his head sadly,
"I can't smite anyone without my Father's permission. I can't do anything!" Castiel started crying into his hands. Dean pulled his friend into a hug and started patting his head comfortingly. The women cooed and started snapping pictures. Sam stood up,
"Now look what you've done!" chided Sam to the old women, "You made a Chippendale cry! For shame, if I had a purse, I'd whack you with it!" The women stopped sighing and looked affronted. The first woman whacked Sam's arm with her purse because his face was too far away. Now normally the blow wouldn't have fazed him; but he was so unsteady that he fell right down.
"You want some more of that?" asked the woman, brandishing her purse,
"No," whined Sam, "we surrender."
Bobby was beyond tired. He'd had absolutely no luck finding his three escaped wards and each moment he spent away from his precious house was an opportunity for Uriel to burn it to the ground or worse. Well, he'd had some luck; he learned that the boys had performed in the Chippendale's show before running for their lives. He settled for circling the streets and hoping to come across them. As he was crossing a park, something caught his eye; a group of people by a tree. He supposed it was worth checking out. As he got closer, Bobby realized that this was definitely worth checking out.
Sam, Dean, and Castiel, all stripped down to their underwear and a towel in Castiel's case were slow dancing with three old women. The expressions of pain on their faces would have made a crueller man sit down and laugh as the other old women were, but Bobby was kinder than that. He was also dead tired and just wanted this night to be over. His gaze traveled from Sam's face to the woman with her hand planted on his ass.
"Gert?" he exclaimed in undisguised shock.
"Bobby!" cried Dean, releasing the woman and running to hide behind Bobby. Castiel tried to follow, but his dancer held up her purse again and he hung his head. Gert clung tightly to unhappy Sam,
"Cousin Bobby?" she asked in disbelief, "What are you doing here?" Everyone gaped.
"I'm here to take the boys back, thank you very much." Bobby answered, ignoring everyone's astonishment that he and Gert were, regrettably, related. Gert shook her head,
"Nope, they're our dancers now." Bobby scrubbed a hand over his face,
"I'll buy them off you," he offered tiredly. Gert shook her head again, the other old women imitating her,
"Nope. If you want them, you'll have to win them from us."
"Ok, I'll bite; what's the challenge?" Gert grinned,
"A race."
The challenge: Bobby vs. Gert in a turbo wheelchair race around the block. The prize: Sam, Dean and Castiel. Winner takes all.
"Go Booby!" Cheered Sam. Bobby bit back a sigh
"You ready?" asked Gert slyly.
"As I'll ever be." Bobby replied.
"Ready, set, go!" shouted Dean, "Go Booby, go!" Gert sped off leaving Bobby to eat her dust. Bobby pressed down on the button, but the chair didn't move.
"Goddamn you!" He yelled after her, jumping out of his chair and reconnecting the battery cable.
"Get going Booby!" screamed Castiel jumping up and down on the spot. Bobby sped off, but Gert was no longer in sight. Still, unwilling to give up Bobby dutifully sped off anyway. For once, it seemed that God was on their side: Bobby caught up to Gert about halfway around the block to find her stuck in traffic, having made the mistake of trying to go on the road. Cackling gleefully in a very un-Bobbylike way, Bobby moved on to the sidewalk and tore off past Gert.
"Make way!" he bellowed, barrelling through the sea of drunks dotting the sidewalk. Gert gave him a very unladylike hand gesture. The light turned green and the cars blocking Gert began to move. It didn't take long for Gert to catch up to Bobby.
"Not so smug now, are you?" she shrieked as she pulled up beside him. Bobby ignored her, his attention fully focused on the prize. This was going to be a close race! Looking wildly around for some sort of distraction, Bobby found something,
"Look! A Chippendale's dancer!" It was actually a random guy wandering around shirtless and intoxicated, but that wasn't important.
"Where?" cried Gert, looking around. That moment's distraction was all Bobby needed; he darted ahead into the lead and Gert crashed into a pile of garbage cans. Bobby returned to the park triumphant, basking in the glow of his adopted children's happy faces. The sour look on the cougars' faces was pretty sweet as well. With a superior smile Bobby announced,
"Time to go home, boys." Dean and Sam each latched on to one of Bobby's arms. Castiel, upon realizing that there were no arms available jumped on Bobby's back. Bobby couldn't even bring himself to mind.
To top off a successful night, Bobby found his house still standing upright. Then he heard the yelling.
"He's mine!"
"Back off bitch, he's mine!"
"What about Sam?"
"What about Dean?"
"Bitch!" Bobby was a bit disturbed by how not surprised he was to see Chuck tied up, Uriel sitting on the hood of a car with his popcorn and Anna and Ruby having a light sabre fight.
"Dare I ask what's going on?" Uriel looked up,
"They're trying to decide who gets Chuck." Bobby met Chuck's tearful eyes and then looked back at the vicious females.
"Oh to hell with it, do what you want. I'm having a nap. ALONE!" He stomped inside. Castiel looked at Sam and Dean,
"I feel like pancakes."
Bobby searched the room thoroughly for any monsters and Rubys that might be lurking around. Finding none, he tucked himself in and closed his eyes. The screams from outside in combination with the off key rendition of "For Your Entertainment" weren't THAT annoying. Approximately fifteen minutes later, he was roused by a chorus of panicked shouting,
"Cas what did you do?" shrieked Dean, "It's not supposed to do that!"
"I don't know!" the angel wailed back, "I thought I was helping them cook faster!"
"DUCK FOR COVER!" screamed Sam. Bobby leapt out of bed as fast as he could and ran downstairs just in time to get splattered by a pancake batter bomb. He walked into the kitchen. Everything, everything was covered in pancake batter. He heard a couple squeaks of terror coming from behind his overturned table. Castiel's blue eyes peered over the edge and ducked down quickly when they saw Bobby.
"Boys. Get out here." No one moved.
"If we can't see him, he isn't there." Said Castiel in what was apparently meant to be a whisper. Bobby clenched and unclenched his fists a couple of times,
"Castiel, I know you're back there."
"Castiel is not here." The angel replied, "this is his brother um, Asstiel." Dean burst out laughing, flinging himself in to view.
"Asstiel!" he gasped, holding his ribs
"You idiot," hissed Sam, fruitlessly tugging his brother back into hiding, "You've given away our position!" Something outside exploded in a burst of fire. Bobby ran outside and almost cried; Anna and Ruby were running through the junkyard, hurling fireballs and insults at each other. Uriel jogged behind them, pelting them with popcorn and yelling encouragement. Chuck screamed through his gag, trying to shield his head when the stampede ran by. When another car blew up, Bobby had had enough. He picked up his cell phone and made a quick call. When that was over, he squared his shoulders. Filling his lungs with all the oxygen he could muster Bobby bellowed,
"EVERYONE STOP! WE ARE GOING TO SEE DR. MAXWELL SO GET IN THE CAR!"
Back at his house, Dr. Maxwell got out of bed and took a long shot of whisky.
"Well," he told his house, "It's been fun, I'll probably never see you again."