Sarah charged into the throne room, which was empty save for two goblins still poring over the dog-eared Nancy Drew book (they were so eager for the conclusion of the mystery).

Sparing them no more than a glance, Sarah ran up a small staircase and arrived in a room filled with impossible staircases: Some were on upside down and on the ceiling, some were sideways and on the walls and some were randomly moving.

"The staircases move!" Hermione Granger was telling her friends Ron and Harry as the staircase they were currently on rotated around to rest against the forbidden third floor.

"Hogwarts?" Sarah questioned.

A disembodied voice snapped, "Look we have budget restraints, okay? We're sharing a set with Barry Trotter."

"Harry Potter," Sarah corrected.

Then, in the corner of her eye, she saw an ugly creature crawling up one of the upside down stairs.

"TOBY!" she yelled, her heart bursting with jubilation.

But Toby was pretty pissed off with her. After all, she had wished him away to the Goblin King, so he just farted in her general direction and carried on crawling.

Sarah ran onto a ledge and then jumped in surprise as the Goblin King currently known as Jareth (but 100,700 years ago known as Millicent) appeared in front of her. He was wearing a totally hot black and red leather number and Sarah licked her lips lasciviously as she checked out his ass.

He cleared his throat, diverting her attention back to an appropriate eye level, and then began to sing:

"How you turned my world you dumbass bitch,

You irritate and near exhaust me,

Everything I've done, I've done 'cos I was bored,

Don't think you're a special one…"

His exotic dulcet tones echoed throughout the room as Sarah ran romantically after Toby. She tripped over a couple of stairs and smacked her face off of a 'save game' book, but she knew in her heart that, however seductive Jareth's song was, she could not give up.

"You've whinged for so long,

You've just been lucky so far,

I think you may be retarded,

Just as this song is retarded,

And I do believe, it's true,

Yes I do,

I can live without your sunlight,

I can love without your heartbeat,"

"TOBY!" Sarah squawked, watching in horror as her baby brother did a perfect dive off of a ledge. She closed her eyes.

"I…I…I…can live without you," Jareth finished his song, "so…fuck off."

Sarah took a deep breath (accidentally swallowing a fairy) and jumped off the ledge after her baby brother. She fell…fell…fell…in love, until she landed with all the grace of a hippopotamus on the ground of a dreamscape.

Jareth, wearing a cloak made of Hedwig's feathers, materialised in front of her. She looked down at his prominent 'piece of cake' and wondered if it was possible to change the genre of her life from 'coming-of-age-fantasy' to 'lusty-80's-bodice-ripper'.

"No." Jareth said flatly. There was no way he was going to have passionate, purple-prosed, sex with a dumb bitch.

Sarah pouted. Life was so unfair. If she was just some boring Mary-Sue who lived in some random town called Forks and Jareth was some bloodsucking virgin with stalker tendencies who watched her sleep every night, everything would be great. She would get to have bed-breaking, pillow-splitting, demon-spawn-creating sex with her fantasy S.O, and everything would be WONDERFUL!

But NO! She wasn't gonna get any from Jareth, no matter how much she soliloquised about his flashing eyes, his masculine beauty, and his ethereal, mysterious piece of cake.

"So…..can I have Toby now?" she asked, snapping a piece of strawberry hubba-bubba between her lips.

Jareth sighed.

"Sarah, beware," he decided to stick to his lines, for posterity's sake. "I have been generous up until now."

"Generous!" Sarah's eyes bulged out of her head, "what have you done that's generous?"

"Everything! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that the child be taken, I took him…"

Sarah interrupted him: "Umm…and then I asked that you give him back and you were like 'Nu-uh! You must complete my stupid maze!"

Jareth ignored her. "You cowered before me, I was frightening."

"Dude, no you weren't."

"I HAVE REORDERED TIME! I HAVE TURNED THE WORLD UPSIDE DOWN, AND I HAVE DONE IT ALL FOR YOU! ISN'T THAT GENEROUS?"

"Naw…man, you just sang around two minutes ago that you did it all cos you were bored. If you really want to be generous though," Sarah waggled her eyebrows suggestively, "You can take my second virginity."

Jareth wrinkled his brow, "What is a second virginity?"

Sarah rolled her eyes, "Well y'know the Tesco man entered the front door…you can enter the ba…"

Jareth clapped both hands over his ears "LALALALALAAAA…I'M NOT LISTENING!"

"FINE!" Sarah thrust her chest out, just to give him an idea of what he was missing. "THROUGH DANGERS UNTOLD AND HARDSHIPS UNNUMBERED, I HAVE FOUGHT MY WAY HERE TO THE CASTLE BEYOND THE GOBLIN CITY, FOR MY WILL IS AS STRONG AS YOURS. AND MY-"

"STOP!" Jareth held out a 'Do not pass go, do not collect 200 pounds, got to jail' card.

"Look Sarah, look what I'm offering you…"

He held, in his other hand, a 'Get out of Jail free' card.

"I'll let you be the car, I'll let you buy the Mayfair properties…"

Sarah was tempted, she really was, but she HAD TO SAVE HER BROTHER!

"YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!" she screamed, "I AM THE MONOPOLY MASTER!"

Jareth's face fell and a lonely tear dripped down his cheek. He had hoped, just for a moment, that he might gain a worthy monopoly opponent: there were so few in the Labyrinth. And then, after monopoly they could have moved onto a thrilling game of scrabble.

But that could never be.

With a cry of rage he transformed into an owl and pooped on her head before he flew away.

…..

Sarah blinked, startled to find herself suddenly back in the downstairs hallway of her home. Through the window she could see her neighbour Jerry Dandridge carrying a coffin across his lawn.

Brimming with relief, she raced up the stairs and hurried to Toby's crib. Sure enough, the little brat was tucked in sweetly beneath his blanket. Filled with a newfound love for her brother, Sarah retrieved the gross, wet, Brandon Walsh Barbie from the waste basket and set it down beside Toby's head.

"This belongs to you now," she said generously.

Then, happy but still, sadly, a little horny, she went to her own room to await the return of her parents. As she was staring into her dressing-table mirror, debating whether or not she should pluck her nose hairs, Dobby materialised in the reflective glass.

"Django!" Sarah exclaimed, "Have you come to tell me that if I need you, for any reason at all, every now and again in my life, for no reason at all, that you'll be there for me?"

"No," Dobby said shortly, "I just wanted to tell you that Jareth is on the tree outside right this minute, disguised as an owl, waiting until you get changed for bed so that he can perve on you. Just thought you oughta know."

Sarah smiled gratefully, "Thanks Dibblewibblewaddobby!"

Dobby groaned. He couldn't be bothered to correct her, even though she was so, so, so wrong. The time for annoyance had passed, he was off to save Harry Potter from death at the hands of the Death Eaters.

He was going to help them break out of Malfoy Manor and then he would be a hero: The House Elf Who Lived.

Winky would surely marry him then.

Filled with hope for the future, Dobby clicked his fingers and disappeared.

Sarah walked over to her window and winked at the snowy white owl wearing a blonde, spiky wig and eye-shadow.

The owl winked back.

….

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