Chapter 1

Author's note: This is my take on Episode I. I mostly use the movie as a fundament for the plot, but I also altered a few things and invented a few new ones. As you will soon notice, I tried my best to write a parody, and I hope you will enjoy my weird and occasionally random humor.

Warning: At the beginning of this chapter, some people will be killed off. Sorry, it's necessary for the plot. It's not anyone you know, though.

Disclaimer: Just to make this clear, I don't anything pertaining to Star Wars. My little brother owns one of those plastic lightsabers, but that's about as far as I will ever get to owning George's creation. I also wrote this purely for fun (both my fun and hopefully also your fun) and thus, I don't make any profit aside from the reviews, which are the only reward I'll ever get and want. So please give generously!

oOo

Amidst the black void of open space that could be seen through the window of a shiny and silvery spaceship, there was a blue-green planet. But although this planet looked bright and peaceful from the distance, not all was well. The lone lush planet was surrounded by menacing battleships and droid control ships besieging it, thus effectively blocking any kind of traffic to and from this beautiful world of Naboo.

But fortunately, Supreme Chancellor Valorum had sent a Jedi Master and his apprentice to settle the dispute and negotiate a solution that was acceptable to both the Trade Federation and the people of Naboo.

Jedi Master Of-No Importance and his Padawan Equally Unimportant were standing right behind the pilots of the Republican ship that was to take them to one of the battle ships forming the blockade around Naboo, preparing to exit Hyperspace.

The two pilots who were so irrelevant that they didn't even have names were talking to each other.

So it was no wonder that Pilot 1 was very concerned about their continued well-being: "You know, I am worried. We are just two insignificant pilots and after this job, we're no longer needed for the plot of the movie. No, I am more than worried. There's nothing that could keep us from being just casually killed off. We only have about two lines each. We'll suffer the fate most other unimportant characters such as us suffer eventually: We'll be disposed of in a fashion that either makes the main characters look good or shows how truly evil the villains are."

Pilot 2 tried to calm him down: "Don't worry; we have at least another few minutes. Nothing will happen to us as long as these Jedi are still on board. They are the main characters, right? They can't be killed yet, they are still needed, aren't they?"

Unfortunately for Pilots 1 and 2, this was not the case. Had they thought about the names of their passengers for just one minute, they would have had every reason to suspect what was about to happen. As they came out of hyperspace, they crashed into huge yellow letters that were for some reason slowly flying away into the depths of space, accompanied by thunderous music. No one knew where these huge letters were headed or why they were even there, but from that moment on they kept soaring through space for all eternities, puzzling many an inhabitant of the known Galaxy (and probably a few of the unknown Galaxy, as well). And this was the tragic but short end of the Jedi and his apprentice as well as Pilots 1 and 2.

oOo

Fortunately, the Supreme Chancellor had also sent a second team of Jedi Master and apprentice, because he had suspected something along these lines would be happening. And honestly, it was not such a huge surprise, given the names of all the characters so far.

It was even more fortunate that the backup team consisted of Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi. They still had rather silly names, but at least these names were acceptable for main characters of a science-fiction movie, so they wouldn't be killed off by the introduction.

These two had been contacted by the Jedi Temple shortly after the tragic demise of the first team. At first they were a bit bewildered upon hearing that Master Importance and his Padawan had been killed by a giant yellow "W", but they swiftly came to the conclusion that maybe they hadn't interpreted Yoda's strange backwards way of talking properly.

And so they were now also standing behind the pilots' seats of the faded pink Republic vessel they had been given, waiting for permission to enter the command ship of the Trade Federation. While his Master Qui-Gon was talking to the pilot who was to make contact with the command ship, Obi-Wan stared curiously at what looked like yellow text that was slowly receding into the void of space, being the first of the aforementioned inhabitants of the known Galaxy to be puzzled by it.

But as they were finally given permission to land by some rather ugly green alien with a strange accent, he simply shrugged and focused is attention "on the here and now" as his Master would undoubtedly shortly tell him to, because that's what Qui-Gon always said. At least when he wasn't busy stating that "there is always a bigger fish", that is.

As they left the spaceship, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan put up their hoods so that they wouldn't be recognized. Obi-Wan found that rather superfluous as everything about them, from their plain, brown robes to the lightsabers they carried on their belts, practically screamed "Jedi" anyway, but he supposed that it was for effect.

They were led into a conference chamber by a silver droid that looked exactly like a female copy of Threepio. That it was female could only be told because its voice sounded somewhat female, not because it looked female in any way. Fortunately, the protocol droid left quickly to tell its superiors that there were two Jedi waiting in their conference room.

Qui-Gon sat down at the conference table, waiting for the inevitable. And he didn't have to wait for long. His apprentice was looking out the window, seeing just the tiniest flash of yellow disappear in the distance.

"I have a baaaaad feeling about this!"

There it was. Obi-Wan said that every single time before a mission went completely the other way. Qui-Gon thought that it was high time he stopped saying it, as this was clearly what had caused all the difficulties they had invariably experienced later on in any mission so far, because when Obi-Wan didn't say his trademark sentence, usually nothing bad happened. And surely it was impossible that someone whose strength was in the Unifying Force got a sense of forewarning before something bad happened. So Qui-Gon simply told his Padawan to shut up, although naturally he did it in a more polite and less blunt manner, using a trademark sentence of his own.

oOo

In the meantime, the protocol droid reported back to Nute Gunray:

"Sir, there are two Yetis in our conference room."

The viceroy was flustered: "Yetis? What are Yetis?"

The other ugly green alien standing next to him offered his opinion on the matter: "Yetis are huge, hairy, ape-like creatures not unlike Wookies. But in The Phantom Menace, there are no Wookies yet, so I believe that this protocol droid is rather badly programmed and can't tell huge hairy ape-like creatures from the rather good-looking main characters of this movie, who are Jedi and not Yetis, by the way."

At this, the viceroy relaxed slightly, just to become tense once again a second later: "Jedi? They sent Jedi? I won't go in there, I don't want to die. Please, I am far too young and handsome to die!"

At this, the other green alien had a coughing fit that luckily concealed his laughing fit.

Between the laughs… oh sorry, the coughs, of course, he panted: "Send the droid! It's useless, anyway. Who would want such a badly programmed droid? If it's destroyed, who cares?"

And so, the cousin of Threepio was sent back into the conference room, where the dangerous Yetis… erm, Jedi, were sitting, discussing what Master Yoda might or might not have meant at some point and wondering why they were kept waiting for so long. When the droid entered, the Jedi sat there in silence, thinking about the possible outcome of the mission.

Obi-Wan sometimes thought his Master didn't give proper thought to his concerns. Whenever he voiced one of his baaaaad feelings, Qui-Gon simply brushed him aside, although these feelings had turned out right time and again. Even though his Master always told him to listen to the Force and trust his instincts and even defy a few orders, if necessary, he never tolerated this attitude in his Padawan. And although they had been kept waiting for a time too long to be still considered in the least bit polite and Qui-Gon conceded that he felt an unusual amount of fear for a simple negotiation, still he wouldn't even consider that elusive bad feeling that had been nagging at Obi-Wan for some time now.

A little frustrated, Obi-Wan thought that maybe there was a secret rule (the only one Qui-Gon never broke) that stated that Masters were right by default, no matter how many reasonable (and occasionally even unreasonable, when Obi-Wan was it his most desperate to convince his Master and everything else had already failed) arguments a Padawan might put forth.

With a slight shake of his head and a tiny sigh, Obi-Wan reigned in his wandering thoughts. During a mission, it was probably of great advantage if one had one's wits about one and not let one's imagination run wild. Surely, it wasn't as if this simple mission would lead to the destruction of the Republic Galaxy in the end or some such nonsense.

The Padawan thought to himself: "Get a grip on yourself, Kenobi! Don't be so paranoid. You're acting as if all this is just an elaborate plot by the Sith to take over the Galaxy. Don't be ridiculous! Next thing, you'll suspect the Supreme Chancellor of being on the Dark Side!"

Looking over to his Master, Obi-Wan found a look of utter concentration on the older Jedi's features. For a short moment, the Padawan wondered what his Master might be thinking about. Judging by the look on his face, he was entirely focused on the task ahead of them, or maybe pondering some great mysteries of the Living Force that still eluded his student. This only showed to Obi-Wan that he was still the apprentice who let his thoughts stray during an important mission while his Master was applying all of his considerable abilities to the task at hand.

Contrary to what the near hero-worship of his Padawan was implying, though, Qui-Gon's thoughts were far away from their present situation. He had picked up this rousing tune sometime earlier, and he couldn't get it out of his head now. He was sure he had heard it before, as they were coming out of Hyperspace. But then, why would there suddenly be music? That would certainly be as absurd as huge yellow letters flying through space, now would it?

Fortunately, the protocol droid came back at this moment and made sure that the plot was not completely lost in thought. It carried a silver tray with a beaker and two cups.

It crossed the room in its stiff, small steps. First, it came to stand next to Obi-Wan and waved the tray in front of his face, obviously expecting him to take one of the cups. The Padawan was startled out of his thoughts and gave the droid a questioning glance as he had expected Qui-Gon, who was obviously his superior, to be served first. Still, the droid, TC14, looked at him expectantly, if that is at all possible for a droid, and only backed off to offer the other cup to Qui-Gon after he had taken one.

With a mischievous gleam in his eyes, Obi-Wan looked to his Master and sent over their training bond: "You must be looking particularly young today, Master. Or I must be looking particularly old. Or this so-called protocol droid has no idea of protocol whatsoever."

At this, Qui-Gon snapped out of his internal orchestra replaying the tune he had heard earlier, finding himself without drink even when his Padawan had already been served. The astonished look on his Master's face drew a mental chuckle from the Padawan, who then added via the bond: "If all of their droids are as… well-programmed as this one, that entire army of theirs shouldn't be a problem at all. Why, they would probably shoot each other right away."

Obi-Wan waited for his Master to get a drink before taking a sip. Obviously, his manners were better than the droid's.

Their amusement at the clumsy social blunder of the silver droid was abruptly cut short, however, when the two pilots who had brought them here (going by the names of 3 and 4, by the way) exploded along with their spaceship. Initially, it had been planned that after delivering the Jedi to their destination, they would just take off again. But then Pilots 1 and 2 had started demanding equal treatment of all the unimportant characters and threatened to haunt the author for eternity, so it was tough luck for their colleagues.

Obviously, the negotiations would be even shorter than Qui-Gon had expected, because just as the two Jedi sprang up and ignited their lightsabers (as if that would in any way help the poor pilots who were blown to bits thanks to their friends Pilot 1 and Pilot 2 in collaboration with the battle droids of the Trade Federation), smoke began billowing through the ventilation system and into the conference room.

Immediately, Qui-Gon stated with absolute certainty: "Dioxis!"

Obi-Wan had to suppress a groan. His Master was never one to correctly apply scientific terms, but it was certainly not his Padawan's place to tell him that he rather meant "carbon dioxide". And of course Obi-Wan wouldn't comment on the fact that carbon dioxide didn't smell all flowery and sweet, either, and so was probably not what was coming out of the ventilation at all.

Still, both took a deep breath, extinguished their lightsabers and waited for the door to open, hoping that the ones in command would be too impatient and actually open the doors before what they had planned for the Jedi took effect.

Absently, Obi-Wan mused that they apparently had to deal with politicians quite often to have installed poisonous gas dispensers in any random room of their spaceship and that they shared his dislike of all these dishonest and insincere so-called "servants of the public".

oOo

On the control bridge, panic was taking over. The Neimoidians were scurrying around aimlessly, completely shocked out of their minds, which made them even less effective and even more spineless then they normally were. This confusion also contributed to the fact that the room the Jedi were in was flooded with perfume rather than with toxic fumes.

"Where are those droidekas? I want them here yesterday! These Jedi are dangerous. We will keep the doors closed for half an hour and keep them locked up this long with the poisonous gas; that should suffice. Still, one can never be too secure, I think. I still want the battle droids."

His assistant answered: "The battle droids are on their way. And I am sure that not even these seemingly all-powerful Jedi can achieve anything against our droidekas, they are hyper-intelligent and they have these cool bubble-thingies."

At this, Nute Gunray calmed down somewhat: "Yes, I am confident that the elite warriors of this Galaxy can't handle a few machines. But close the extra-thick doors to the command center, just in case."

In the meantime, some fifteen of the spindly, brainless battle droids had assembled in front of the closed door behind which the Jedi had been imprisoned for some thirty minutes.

The commander of the small group ordered: "Open the door, seargent!"

At once, he was surrounded by a chorus of "Roger, Roger!"

Slowly, the doors parted. At first, nothing happened. Then, TC14, the annoying protocol droid, came shuffling out, excusing herself. Why she did it will forever remain a mystery, though.

The droids trained their guns on the opening before them, even though it seemed rather unnecessary. And it probably would have been, as even someone so highly trained as the Jedi couldn't survive for half an hour without oxygen. Luckily for Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, though, it hadn't been poisonous gas that the room had been filled with, but perfume. Apparently, there had been a slight mix-up with the computer, and instead of being dead, the Jedi now had an overpoweringly sweet, flowery and distinctly girly scent clinging to them.

Turning their lightsabers on, they staggered from the room, coughing from the penetrating smell, doubling over and trying to breathe in as much fresh air as possible. The battle droids looked at them helplessly for a moment and then opened fire. Still stumbling and coughing, the Jedi deflected the blaster bolts that were shot at them. Then they started disassembling all the droids rather efficiently, performing awesome battle moves even though no one was there to watch. (What a pity…)

After the droids had been reduced to a smouldering heap of junk, the Master and Padawan turned their lightsabers off.

"Padawan, you smell like an entire house of disputable reputation. I didn't know that you bathed in perfume this morning. And perfume for women, at that!" teased Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan sniffed his robe once and immediately started coughing again. "You know, Master, this will probably cling to our clothes for half an eternity. We will most likely smell like a whole perfume shop for the entire mission. I don't consider this a joking matter."

He walked over to his Master and instantly recoiled. "You smell just as bad as I do, Master. Now everyone can find us just by following the smell. So much for stealth."

And with that, the two took off down one of those endless corridors that seemed to be the latest fashion since everyone had at least one of them.

oOo

Edited on 26th July, 2019