So, this is pure crack. The beginning is also really old. I think this came into being while I was reading a story about Naruto getting trapped in a world where the Yondaime survived sealing the Kyuubi no Kitsune. Somehow, that turned into this. Also, yes, for some reason, Italian is the language of the demons. I don't know why.

Disclaimer: Naruto isn't even my favorite fandom, so if you think I own it, go get your head checked. I don't own Oreos, which are crunchy-delicious and taste good with milk.

Naruto stared at the crazy man, along with the Sandaime, Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke, who were there in the Hokage's office for a mission debriefing when the insane man came in. "Okay then. So, you are the Yondaime resurrected and are actually my father. And I should believe you why?"

The man leaped forward, glomping him. "Because you're my little Naru-kun, who the village must look at as a hero! You must trust me!"

"NO! What have you been snorting!? Oh, crap!" Naruto yelled while trying desperately to get the deluded man off of him.

Sarutobi, whose office they were in at the time, was also confused as hell at this point. "Naruto, what is it?"

"Ummm.... You know how I'm the only one able to do a full-body change?"

"You can do what?" Sasuke asked, jealous.

"Change my body. For some reason, I can. Well, this guy feels solid. This is what he actually looks like."

Meanwhile, Minato stopped and looked at Naruto in awe after having been removed from Naruto's torso. "Uuuuwaaaah?! You can physically change your shape!? THAT'S SO COOL!"

Ignoring him, Naruto seemed to have come to a decision. "Right." He said business-like. "There's only two people with the chakra stores to do this sort of thing, and Oreo ain't gonna bring back the only person who can match him that ain't a Sannin. I sure as hell didn't do it, so that leaves one possibility."

Sarutobi and Team Seven were confused but listening as Naruto started forming hand-seals and going about getting to the bottom of this.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto cried. POOF! There was a new Naruto standing in front of the old one, looking exactly alike.

"Right then," Clone-Naruto said. "Oiroke no Jutsu!"

Now there was a female Naruto standing in front of a male Naruto.

"My turn now!" Naruto grinned, blue eyes turning ever so slightly purple. "Possesso del demone!"

"Naruto, no!" Kakashi screamed as he realized what Naruto was going to do, but it was too late.

The she-Naruto went through a metamorphosis. Her blonde pigtails became one long red braid. Her eyes went from cerulean to crimson while whiskers erupted out of the scars on her cheeks. She grew about half a foot and sprouted nine tails and two red fox ears.

"Naruto, what have you done?" Sarutobi despaired, "Where did we go wrong? You-" she turned to the reborn Yondaime. "-This is all your fault! Why I oughta-"

Sarutobi's lecture was cut off by a saddened yowl from the now-human Kyuubi no Kitsune. "Ru-kun! You promised me chocolate! You know how I get when I don't get my chocolate!" Kyuubi was about to start waling on Naruto when she looked up and saw all the sharp pointy objects being pointed at her from all the ninja aside from Yondaime, who was gaping in shock at his sacrifice being so disregarded. "WHEEEEEEEE! SHARP POINTY OBJECTS! YAAAAAAY! THAT'S ALMOST AS GOOD AS CHOCOLATE!"

Everyone sweat-dropped at the feared Kyuubi no Kitsune acting like this. Naruto choose to step in at this point.

"Kyuu-chan. Did you bring the Yondaime back?" he asked as sternly as he could while trying desperately to hide a smile at his teammates shocked expressions.

"Yup-yup!" The now-named Kyuu-chan chirped.

Naruto palmed his face. "Perché?" he asked in defeat. With that, his discussion with Kyuu-chan became held entirely in the demon's mother tongue, Italian. (Why?)

"Ru-kun, sapere che vi voglio appena essere felice!" Kyuu-chan replied, smilling happily. "Non volete avere un genitore?" (You know I just want you to be happy!

Don't you want to have a parent?)

Naruto sighed. "Quando ero più giovane, forse. Ma ora? Ho dodici anni e sono stato solo ma per voi per dodici di quegli anni. Poco un recente, non pensate?" (When I was younger, maybe. But now? I'm twelve years old and have been alone but for you for twelve of those years. A little late, don't you think?)

Kyuu-chan's smile dimmed, and her red ears drooped. "Spiacente. Sarà domani il vostro compleanno ed ha voluto realmente ottenergli qualcosa per una volta." (Sorry. It's your birthday tomorrow, and I wanted to actually get you something for once.)

Naruto smiled and opened his arms for a hug, which Kyuu quickly gave, squeezing his torso for dear life. "Bene, è il pensiero che conta. Appena… dopo il tempo, mi chiede prima di riesumare i ninjas morti della celebrità, approvazione?" (Well, it's the thought that counts. Just...next time, ask me before resurrecting dead celebrity ninjas, okay?)

Kyuu perked up and each of her tails started glowing a happy yellow. "Si, si!" (Yes, yes!)

Everyone stared. Naruto bristled, switching back to Japanese. "Whaaaaa-aaaaat?" he whined. "Can't a guy show some intelligence around here?"

Sakura spoke up. "Idiot. That's the Kyuubi no Kitsune sitting there cutting your legs' circulation, right?"

Naruto gasped and turned to Kyuu. "NO! It can't be! I thought it was the other insane female demon-fox who destroyed Konoha that got sealed into me! HOW CAN THIS BE!!!!!!" Naruto turned back to Sakura. "Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Of course this is Kyuu-chan. I called her out because I know I didn't resurrect Yondy over there-" "HEY! that's not nice! I'm telling!" "-and I sincerely doubt Oreo-baka is going to resurrect one of our best shinobi who is strongly opposed to him. I wanted to see if it was Kyuu, or if I needed to hunt Gaara down and fucking kill him for not telling me about another of us jinchuuriki, most likely not one of the lords though."

"Ummm, Oreo-baka?" Sarutobi had to ask. Yes there were more important things to be worried about, but that was just plain weird!

"Yeah. Orochimaru. His name is too long and has become something to fear, therefore if I do not fear him, why would I refer to him by a name that inspires fear? Far better to refer to him by a name that inspires laughter, like Oreo-baka. Plus his insides taste freaking weird, just like an Oreo cookie! I mean what the hell, is the thing made of creamy filling or something!?"

"Riiiiiight... I don't think I want to know. Now," Sarutobi went into 'Kage-mode. (As opposed to Jijii-mode, which he had formerly been employing.) "Why have you summoned the Kyuubi no Kitsune from the seal behind which it was placed? Do you not know how much destruction could be wrought by this? Why-"

"First of all," Naruto cut him off, "Kyuu-chan is not an it, Kyuu-chan is Kyuu-chan and therefore a girl. Secondly, what destruction? I don't see a murderous being going on a rampage. Do you?" He gestured at Kyuu, who was sitting on his lap, curled up and sleepy clinging onto his chest while in the middle of a yawn.

Sakura nodded in agreement, forgetting for a moment that she was agreeing with Naruto. "She looks unable to harm anyone. Hard to believe that this person is the same as the gigantic fox that killed Konoha."

"Well," Sarutobi grudgingly agreed, "I suppose that at the moment she is peaceful enough, but that still leaves a few questions to be answered. Like, for instance, how did you get the sealed demon out and into another body? Like, are you turning traitor to the village by summoning her? These are valid questions. Also, is there any chance of her going insane and attacking anyone in the village?" Naruto paled at her last question.

"Aw, crap. I'm sorry, Kyuu-chan. Just a moment. Can you get off my lap really quickly please?" Naruto asked while beginning to pat himself down.

Kyuu woke up from her doze and squealed. "YAY! I get chocolate! WHEEEEE! Of course I'll get off your lap, Ru-kun! Just remember what I do if the chocolate melts!" With that she got up and began bouncing off every surface in the office chanting 'Kyuu gets choco, Kyuu gets choco, Kyuu gets choco, Kyuu gets choco, Kyuu gets choco! YAY!'

Naruto chuckled and, having found the 'choco' Kyuu was chanting about, handed it to her. She squealed and dove in, very nearly literally. Five seconds later, a messy Kyuu was curled up on Naruto's lap, purring. Everyone stared for a second, before remembering they were ninja. NINJA DO NOT STARE! It's like, Rule Number 1,567 or something.

"Okay then. That's over and done with. Any more questions, or can I go and start to attempt to rehabilitate crazy man over there?" Naruto gestured at the Yondaime, who was all but twitching in an attempt to keep himself from going to inspect the seal.

"Um, yeah. Would you care to explain how...err...Kyuu-chan managed to retrieve the Yondaime from the Shinigami? I know that, Minato had to give his soul to the Shinigami to seal the Kyuubi inside of you, Naruto." Sarutobi asked.

"Well, I'm not actually sure. Apparently Kyuu-chan wanted to get me a real birthday present for once, and she figured that a real parent would be a good present. I have no clue about her methods though. We could just ask her though, novel as the idea must sound to a bunch of ninja." Naruto's sarcasm could have cut through stone. "Kyuu-chan, we aren't gonna be allowed to go home until we've managed to explain a bit better. You feeling awake enough to explain?"

Kyuu nodded, stretching like a cat. "'Course, Ru-kun," she muttered. "You know about my collection of pictures, right?"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded. Everyone else was lost though.

Kyuu, seeing that, expanded. "Blackmail pictures. I was something of a camera freak when I still had my body." Now people understood. "Well, what few people know about the bijuu, and this does not leave this room." :insert death glare and killing intent here: "is that we are part of the pantheon. Each of the bijuu is the god of an element. So, we get to go to all the random parties the idiot gods throw. Whether or not our disciples want to go. Usually these parties include enough liquor to drown a whale, which is no small feat I tell you. So, this one time, about thirty years ago, Than's wife, Sei, was getting pissy at his house, so Than got roaring drunk. He ended up dancing starkers on a table while making out with a lamp. I got pictures. I got power over death now as well as my own native spirit."

"Yeah. I think you've told me this story before," Naruto yawned.

Kyuu glared. "I wasn't finished, idiot! Anyways, it was easy to reclaim the soul of Minato Namikaze, Ru-kun's father. Or at least, it would have been had he not been being used as a secretary by Than. As it was, it only took a day of bargaining to bring him back."

"I...see," Sarutobi said. (He didn't really.) "Well then, it seems that there is only one more thing to do. Before Minato Namikaze can begin adjusting to this new time with the aid of Naruto Uzumaki and...What name do you want to go by?"

Kyuu grinned. "My real name is Rei, so I guess I'll go by Rei Uzumaki. Or Kyuu, but that's just cause Ru-kun thinks Rei sounds kinda stuffy." She wrinkled her nose. "And I gotta say, I agree with him. But still, can't really go by Kyuu all the time. Could cause a panic, ya know."

"Very well, if Naruto Uzumaki has no objections?" Sarutobi asked, leaning forward and doing a very good impression of a stern judge.

"No objection here! Though, let's not specify our relation, kay Jijii?" Naruto grinned.

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow, but said nothing for a moment as he filled out a form that would reinstate Minato Namikaze as a member of the Shinobi corps. "Now that that's out of the way..." Sarutobi leaned forward, an ominous gleam in his eyes. "...care to tell this Hokage how exactly you two managed to meet, what with her being sealed in your stomach and all."

"Well, you see, you know how Kyuu attacked the village?" Naruto asked.

Everyone nodded, Minato adding an enthusiastic "That's practically the last thing I remember other than the paperwork!"

"Turns out, it was the Uchiha's fault."

"How was it the Uchiha's fault?" Sakura asked.

"Well, you see, there was this wack-job Uchiha named Madara, he was, like, one of the founders of Konoha or something, and he was totally power-hungry and insane. His Saringan was somehow able to control Kyuu. She isn't exactly sure why, but we seriously hope that it was just a chakra mutation. So, Madara forced her to murder her brothers and sisters. They were just kits, and their parents had died. Essentially, Kyuu was raising her siblings, and was then forced to kill them."

Kyuu shivered and buried her head into Naruto's chest, sobbing. Naruto patted her on the back while he continued the story.

"So then, Kyuu kinda went bat-shit insane for while after she came out of the order-induced trance. She didn't really know anything about Madara until later, but she remembered that he was wearing a Konoha hitae-ate. So, she headed off for the village, which happened to be the closest shinobi village to her family's den, intent on revenge for her family. And the rest of the attack is history. Well-known history at that."

Kyuu managed to calm down and curled up in Naruto's lap. Naruto absent-mindedly began stroking her hair. It was obvious to everyone present that this was something commonplace in the Uzumaki house, given how automatic Naruto's response had been. Yes, even Sasuke, the Emo-Avenger who had no idea how to interact with people.

Sarutobi was nodding thoughtfully. "That would explain a few inconsistencies I have noticed over the years. Though, that does leave a few questions."

"Like why is the Ichibi such a violent, bloodthirsty being if Kyuu is perfectly civilized?" Naruto asked.

"Err, yes, but how do you know anything about the Ichibi? That's the second time you've mentioned something you should know nothing about. His jinchuuriki has never come to Konoha, and you have never left Konoha. So how do you know him?" Sarutobi asked, getting slightly annoyed by the fact that he didn't know something like that. The fact that one of his nin, especially Naruto, genin or not, was in contact with a bloodthirsty monster like the Ichibi's container was not something the Hokage should be kept in the dark about.

Naruto laughed and rubbed the back of his head. "Would you believe me saying there's a secret organization that stretches across the Elemental Nations that is dedicated to putting any jinchuuriki into contact with each other and making sure that they are aware of what they are?"

Sarutobi stared, trying to decide whether Naruto was lying or just plain crazy. Team Seven had just resigned themselves to the fact that their teammate was crazy a long time ago.

Naruto laughed ruefully. "Yeah, didn't think so. It's true though! This one guy, the owner of Ichiraku Ramen, and his daughter are a part of it!"

Kakashi started. Wasn't that the place Naruto was always babbling about? Was the real reason he was so obsessed over it that they had told him what he was, despite the Sandaime's law?

Kyuu reached up sleepily and covered Naruto's mouth. Naruto looked down at the kitsune-human hybrid shadow clone curled up in his lap who was blinking at him sleepily. "Ru-kun, quiet. Kyuu need sleep. She need build up energy so body can get infused to stay better."

Naruto nodded, and continued on with his former train of thought. "Well, Shukaku is...crazy is the nicest way to put it, really. There's something wrong in his brain. I think that Old Man Ichiraku said it was something beginning with a 's'. What was it? Eh, I forget. Well, anyway, Ayame-chan taught me meditation, so I could actually find Kyuu-chan while she was in my mind. So, I met Kyuu-chan, and she told me the whole story.

"I decided I needed to come up with a way for Kyuu-chan to come out of the seal, cause it's just not right for a girl to live her life inside a guy's stomach. It took us the longest time, but eventually I managed to come up with a way to give control over my body to Kyuu-chan. That was where the inspiration for Oiroke no Jutsu came from. But really, the technique wasn't finished until Mizuki-traitor told me about the Forbidden Scroll, and I learned Kage Bunshin. Since that, Kyuu and I have managed to figure out how to coexist, both in one and two bodies."

The other people in the office were stunned into silence by everything they had learned about Naruto. Naruto took advantage of that fact to stand up and grab onto the Yondaime's shoulder while Kyuu hung on to him. Naruto began to form one-handed seals.

"Well, I do believe I've sated your curiosity. Jii-san, I'll be back in the morning to tell you how Yondy's doing. Bye!"

And Naruto, Kyuu and Minato disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

As one, the eyes of Sarutobi, Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke met. All of them felt a shiver of fear go down their spine. What exactly would tomorrow hold, with an unleashed Kyuubi no Kitsune and a resurrected Yondaime?

None of them were fully sure they wanted to know.

All of them were fully aware that they would be finding out, whether they wanted to or not.

This is a one-shot and is going to remain so. Assume large amounts of insanity that lead up to the Council getting disbanded because they tried to have Naruto, Kyuu and the 'false' Yondaime assassinated.

And yes, Kyuu is a little bit of a psychopath. And slightly childish.

I don't know why Old Man Ichiraku and his daughter are members of an underground Jinchuuriki aid group, but they is.