A Letter to Myself

I try to remember what my life was like before I became this pathetic. It still baffles me how much I have changed during these past months and the truth is, I don't even remember how long exactly I have been here. Sometimes I would sneak into Dippet's office and look into the pensieve like a Muggle would do when they look at themselves into a video to see where they lost themselves after a traumatic event. Tom was my traumatic event. An oh so good one. At times, like a couple weeks ago, I could've sworn that Hayden Polk was taking over, the side that loved Tom so much that he was willing to ignore the nightmares where Tom and him were involved, and then there was Harry Potter, the person who wants to right the wrongs of others and feels wary of Tom's presence. I am, evidently, extremely confused to the point of madness and...I don't know if I can actually do what Dumbledore, the one from the future, has asked of me. I mean, just a couple of days ago two training schools arrived, and a boy from the 'dragon's den' gazed at me strangely. It was like he could see right through me, see what has happened to me, why I am here, and the struggle if how I should deal with Tom. His gaze held pity and understanding. He resembled a lot like Luna but not at all related. She showed me her family tree sometime during the holidays, a letter. She said that one day an old lemon tree will send me to a land of questions and deceit, and there will be a time when a dark feeling will grow within me but within that darkness will shed a light to the little stag from a different sort of moon, one that is the same in its shine but different to how the shine came to be. I had a feeling that me coming here was what she was referring to. This boy, Nane, he just had that sort of air about him. A comfort really. And this boy was the reason why I am worrying about my relationship with Tom. I took one look at the boy and Tom sort of...lost it. He started ignoring me to the point of insanity and then came the loud argument between me and him. After the argument, Tom got sort of...physical, lovemaking, but rougher, it frightened me because of his eyes. They shone with undeniable lust, anger, love, and jealousy but what was the least expecting was the insanity.

Tom slammed into Harry roughly, the slap of skin against skin evident. Harry's face was pressed into the mattress, his bum in the air, arms laying limply on each side of his body, a locking spell cast. Two ropes of vines each wrapped around a bent knee and pulled apart until Harry's legs were spread wide for Tom's pleasure. Their multiple releases on the bed evidence to their activity other than the two occupant's obvious nakedness.

Harry lay panting as he was pushed into mercilessly by his lover, tears in his eyes. "Lo-ove," he stammered. "Love please...stop! It hurts!" It was true it did hurt a lot with the minimal pleasure but the reasons for this, Tom's reasons, hurt him the most. Tom growled maliciously, possessively. His pace became faster. "Never!" He bent over his love, wrapping his arms around his Hayden's waist. "Mine!" He hissed. "You only belong to me! If I have to I will take you away from here and lock you up. You are MY love. Your soul, your very being belongs to ME! The first day I met you I wanted you. I wanted you full but I was too stubborn to realize it!"

Harry whimpered and mewled at a particularly hard thrust. "AH!"

"Do you like this?" Tom whispered.

"Gah! Nnnnggggh! Nnh! Ah!" Tom grabbed Harry's lower regions and began to stroke.

"Do you like being pounded into, my love? Does it turn you on even more knowing that you have my heart in your hands because you know that I'll always love you? Hmmm? Do you?"

Harry didn't respond.

"Does it make you pant and scream with pleasure knowing that one day I will rule this world and you, as my equal, my soul mate, will rule with me by my side forever? That we will rid this world of what it is now and change it anew? You will rule with me, my sweet. Forever."

"No..." Harry had tears in his eyes. But Tom didn't hear it. He didn't hear anything, too caught up in his thoughts.

What am I supposed to do? What have I become?