This is my very first fanfic EVER! And I really want to thank Luna-Starr for inspiring to make this. If you are reading this, I want to also let you know that your story is hilarious. I loved it! I am not going to take or copy anything or any ideas from your story but if you ever feel that I am, please let me know.
Otherwise enjoy the story!
I do not own Resident Evil
CAPCOM DOES!
Chapter 1
Cutting The Cheese
" Huuuhhh," Leon S. Kennedy sighed in the backseat of a rusty old car.
"Huuuhhh," this time, he was louder.
" HUUU-"
" Will you shut up!" yelled the man in the passenger's seat.
" Well I can't help it if this car ride is majorly boring," said Leon. " I mean, can't we play I Spy or something?"
" What are you, three?" asked the man whose name I do not know.
" No, Leon replied, insulted.
" I know a game we can play," said the driver.
" Oooh! Really! I love games! What's it called?" the government agent asked.
"It's called the quiet game," the driver told him.
" OMG! I love that game! In fact, back on my first day as a cop in 1998, I met this woman named Ada. We eventually had to work together even though she hated me. While we did, we played that game! Ada loved it," said Leon.
Back in 1998" A-da," said Leon.
" What?"
"Are we there yet?"
" No."
" Can we play a game?" asked the rookie cop.
Ada could have slapped him right there, but instead, came up with an idea.
" Yes," she said.
"AWE-SOME!" yelled Leon.
" It's called the quiet game," she said. " You have to not say a single word until you die."
" Cool!"
Present
Both men in the front really wanted to slap Leon, but one of them really had to take a dump. Yes. DUMP.
" Wait right here," he said as he quickly got out of the car.
" What else am I going to do? Get out and watch you poo?" said Leon, acting like a smart-alec.
After the boring car ride, they finally arrived at their destination.
" You go ahead," said the driver. " Don't want to get any parking tickets."
" Yeah. That's a good idea. You guys watch the car," stated Leon, completley serious. That's when he got a transmission.
"Leon, I hope you can hear me," said the woman on the other end.
" No, I can't. I'm deaf."
The woman sighed in annoyance. " My name is Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be supporting you on your mission."
" That's weird," said Leon. Somehow I thought you'd be a little younger."
Ingrid was going to yell at him, but he just kept talking.
" So her name is Ashley Graham, correct?" he asked.
"Yes."
Then Leon said, " Now I kind of want a Graham cracker."
"Listen," Ingrid began. " She's the president's daughter, so behave."
" Whoever these people are, they probably picked the wrong girl," stated Leon.
" Why's that?" asked Hunnigan.
MeanwhileAshley is trapped at the church when a Ganado walks in.
" AAAAHHHH!" Ashley did a loud, ear-piercing scream. So the Ganado yelled back at her.
" Will you stop your screaming!" he said.
" Why? Does it bother you?" she asked and began screaming again.
Then the Ganado's ears fell off and he died.
Back to Leon and Hunnigan
" I don't know, just a thought."
After the transmission, Leon did a cool gangster walk to the rundown dirty house in front of him. Once inside, he saw an old man by a fireplace. Leon randomly went up to him and showed him a picture of Ashley.
" I was wondering if you might recognize the chick in this photo," said Leon.
The old man started babbling in Spanish until the government agent rudely interrupted him.
" Can you plese speak English, sir?"
The dirt-covered man got mad and threw an axe at him, which just missed Leon's head. He had no choice but to kill him with his awesome Chicago Typewriter. After doing so, he looked out of the window next to him. That's when he saw a large truck driving way over the speed limit towards the two men in the other car. The police men got scared and tried to drive away. Suddenly, their car tripped over a rock and fell off a cliff and into the water below.
" Whimps," said Leon. Then he jumped out the window and did his cool gangster walk all the way to the village.
When he got there, he looked at the Ganados through his trusty binoculars. It looked like they were working on a farm.
" That reminds me," he whispered to himself. I brought my handy-dandy ipod!"
He started listening to Old McDonald Had A Farm. Unfortunatley, he didn't realize that he farted and the villagers started running toward him. Equipped with his Typewriter, he gunned them all down in less tham 6 minutes. Then the church bell rang and all the villagers went inside the church.
" Where's everyone going? Bingo?" Leon said.
That's when he heard music playing from the building and someone yelled out " Bingo!"
Leon reached an abandoned house with a dresser that started moving.
" AAAHHH! Closet monster!" he yelled. He was brave enough to open it though. A man with tape over his mouth fell out. Leon, without hesitation, ripped it off.
"Little rough, don't you think?" said the man.
" No."
" You're…not like them?" asked the man.
" No."
" You gotta smoke?" he asked.
"No."
" Is that all you can say?"
" No."
Suddenly, the two heard footsteps.
" Perfect," said the strange man. "The big cheese."
A giant freaky man stepped in the doorway. That's when Leon " cut the cheese."
Unfortunatley, the big cheese blocked the stink and used it to fling Leon across the room, knocking both him and the strange man unconcious.