Theo and Blaise. Draco and Pansy. Harry and Ginny.

Funny how Blaise was the only happy with the current situation.

One in ten is a homosexual. That's what all the studies show. Well, muggle studies. And like hell are we being lumped in with that lot. Besides, I bet it's more than one in ten with us. After all, look at the shit we get exposed to. It shouldn't surprise you in the slightest if we weren't weirded out by a couple of dudes - or chicks, I'm not sexist - making out. I wouldn't mind watching, if you get my drift. Anyway, most of the people I'm going to tell you about I've known for the better part of my life. I've grown up around pure-blood wizards, because that's how my parents told me it should be.

Draco Malfoy was the only heir to the Malfoy name; therefore my mother deemed it beneficial that I become friends with him, and arranged for me to spend holidays at his father's manor, because she asked old Lucius if he would be my father figure. I like the guy enough; he's sort of like a brother to me.

Through Malfoy I met Theodore Nott. That boy could be quite a nasty piece of work when he chose to be. I must say though, whereas Malfoy is undoubtedly the Slytherin prince, Theodore would be its king. As thin and wiry as he is, he's got skills.

Pansy Parkinson is the little pure-blood girl we met on the train. She had a loud mouth and, to be perfectly honest, still does. But one cannot deny someone's heritage and somehow she wormed her way into our group. If you were an outsider, you'd assume that she'd taken Theo's place. But the reality is that Theo never really wanted to be part of Malfoy's sideshow. Pansy's a true Slytherin though; by-passing everyone in favour of getting cosy with the prince himself. Prize position, one where no-one would dare touch you. I'm not entirely sure if she actually liked the guy himself or just the title. I guess he grew on her either way.

Everyone knows Harry Potter. I don't need to tell you about him. Though I will say, no one was sure what house he'd be sorted into. I know Malfoy was vying for Slytherin. What would be better than having The Boy Who Lived under our thumb? Shame he was placed with those Gryffindorks. Guess he just missed the opportunity. Not my fault.

The final actor in this play is that Weasley girl. Red hair, poor, unhealthy spirit – she's just like her brothers. We first saw her in our second year. Let it be known that we gave her a proper Slytherin welcome. Nobody comes onto our turf without permission.

Now, remember when I mentioned those muggle studies? Yeah, those ones. Well, proof that we don't comply with those standards is shown by my dormitory. There are five guys who made Slytherin the same year I did. Malfoy, Theo, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and myself. Forget about Crabbe and Goyle. They're just faceless pawns that were used when we saw fit. They don't actually think for themselves. I still wonder how they got into Slytherin in the first place. Now, as I was saying, we prove muggle studies wrong. I know this for a fact because Theo, like it or not, is mine. Two out of five. Pretty neat, right?

And get this; I'm damn certain that Malfoy is at least bisexual. How do I know this? We used to sit up in his room late at night and make out. Guy knows how to use his tongue, I'll tell you that. So what's up with him dating Pansy? Other than the obvious? For all I know he actually likes the girl. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe's he's using her the same way she's using him. I've known Malfoy for years. He tells me things he doesn't tell anyone else. Or he used to. Like the time he let slip that he was staring at Potter for other reasons than trying to hex him. It's kind of cute, if you think about it. I don't like to though.

As for Potter? Who knows? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm just glad he's not telling anyone if he is. Why? Because, moron, if he did, then Malfoy would be all over him. And apart from the whole concept of Draco Malfoy dating Harry Potter – because we all know what a walk in the park that one would be – Draco would come out too. Why is this my problem? Why on earth would I give a damn if the Slytherin prince was a known homo?

Because then Theo would be a lot more angsty. And I don't know if I could handle that. Crazy, angry, sure. But all 'oh woe is me I'm so confused' is just not attractive in any world, wizarding or muggle. See, Theo has a thing for Malfoy. I blame this purely on the fact that they have similar views, and face it; the boy isn't that bad looking if you think about it. I might be a little jealous in knowing that Theo has a thing for the tow-head, but how would you feel? I like him because he can be a prick, nasty, mean, spiteful, and somehow, he'll do something that says, 'hey Blaise, I like you more than everyone else'. It's a bit masochistic, I get that, but it's pure Slytherin. His cunning and resourcefulness is a major turn on, and they say we Slytherin's are achievement-orientated. Well, when Theo wants something, trust me, he gets it. In every sense of the word.

So why doesn't he have Malfoy, if he wants him so bad? And, why doesn't Malfoy have Potter? Because, unfortunately, we Slytherin's have another trait that counteracts that one. The whole self-preservation one. And when wants to keep face, and sanity, one does not go announcing their more than platonic feelings for either their arch rival, or someone they assume is as straight as an arrow. But I don't mind. It works out for me just fine. And, I guess, for Pansy to some extent. She gets her crown but she doesn't get the love she's come to look for. And the Weasley girl? She gets to date a guy who's in constant fights with Malfoy. Potter ain't no catch, really. He's always getting himself in shit he can't get himself out of with a bit of help. And he's always surrounded by people.

And, actually, I bet Harry Potter swings both ways. How can you not be attracted to the love-hate relationship Malfoy was giving him? Or just Malfoy in general? Lord knows I've been through that stage. Why else do you think I let him kiss me?

After all, we all know Harry Potter was destined to be a Slytherin. We could have two princes; I don't think anyone would really mind.

But me, I don't want the prince. I want the king.