Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-Man.

A/N: Take heed, this crack and OOCness. If that bothers you then don't read.

Allen Walker was not amused.

"Seriously?" He asked with the raise of one eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes." Link said, straight forward as ever.

"You're not lying?"

"Of course not!" Outrage.

"Really?" Disbelief.

"YES WALKER!" Link yelled, finally losing his cool.

"So let me get this straight," Allen said as he took in a big breath. "You're telling me, that you are too be guarding me basically 24-7 because I stopped the Ark from disappearing, saved five exorcists from deaths clutches as well as myself, and was able to keep the Ark so that the Order could study and possibly use it against the Earl. For those reasons, you are guarding me, not for my safety, but because I'm suspected of treason?"

". . . It's because you can control the Ark. But for laymen's terms yes."

"Really?"

"We are not starting this again."

"Treason, hmm?" Allen said to himself has he rubbed his chin. His mouth formed into a grin and a shadow covered his eyes even though they were in a fairly bright room. A dark aura of flames suddenly incased Allen as he gave a low chuckle.

"Walker?" Link asked skeptically as he took in the picture of one Allen Walker laughing dementedly to himself.

In a flash, the darkness surrounding Allen was gone, changing into bright shiny sparkles. He stopped laughing like a loon, the shadow had left his eyes, and his once psychotic grin turned into a charming smile.

"Yes Link?" He asked sweetly and, for a good measure, batted his eyelashes.

". . .nothing." It must have been his imagination right?

That's right, nothing bad could possibly happen.

He was wrong, so wrong. So wrong that it literately hurt because Howard Link was almost never wrong.

Or maybe the hurt came from the pain of being dragged across the ground.

It didn't matter. All he could agonize over was that he was wrong.

Something bad did happen, and it was in the process of getting worse.

It had been three days since the 'incident' (as Link will now refer it to) in their room. He was fooled into letting his guard down because, really, even if Walker was planning something it couldn't have been too bad.

Link knows better know.

He had (still is) wondered why the boy had stopped eating so much these last few days. It was almost as if he was fasting (for Walker anyway). The Bookman apprentice had mockingly shouted it was the end of the world. Link had scoffed at that in disgust.

Now though, he wasn't so sure.

"Don't look so sad Link." Allen said cheerfully has he begun walking towards a mansion. Guess who lives in that mansion, go on; guess.

The Earl, and possibly a Noah or two. Link didn't know the details (didn't want to know the details) but he would much rather be back at HQ.

That's right. The little twat that Allen Walker was, actually snuck out of HQ in the middle of the night (kidnapped Link, when Link woke up to the said leaving), found an akuma nearby, beat the said akuma up until it told them where the Earl was (Allen then apologized by killing the thing.), and that is why they are now cheerfully walking- well, Allen was. Link? Not so much.- up to the gate of the big house.

They could have gone back. Could have gone back to HQ without waking anyone up in the dead of the night. Link was even willing to leave this out of his report if Allen would just go back and not do anything stupid.

"Walker, please" Link pleaded. "If you really don't want to be charged for treason, take us back now."

"Treason? I'll show you treason." Said the ever cheerful Destroyer of Time.

And then pushed the button that activated the doorbell.

Link suddenly had a great hate for doorbells.

A butler- who happened to be an akuma- came to talk to them.

"Hello!" Allen said in a joy filled voice. This kid was seriously way too happy for Links comfort.

"Can I help you?" The akuma asked dully.

"Yes, can I speak with the Master of the house?" Still happy.

"It is," The butler checked his wrist watch. "2 AM. Do you have an appointment with the Duke? May I ask you are?"

"His Arch Nemesis." See, a sentence like that should be said with hate and malice. Not like you've been best friends with someone who you haven't seen in years.

"I see." The akuma nodded. It must be a level one. Or maybe a really stupid level two. It's hard to tell when they're in their skins.

"Right this way." WHAT! First off, that gate should not be opening. Second off, Walker should not be walking inside the grounds, and third off, he should not be dragging Link with him (who, by the way, had been tied up with a rope that Allen had randomly found in his closet).

"This way." The akuma led them to a living room.

"Master, your Arch Nemesis has arrived." The bloody thing stated as if it was speaking about the weather.

"Hee, hee! Thank you, you may go now." And there he was, Link though sarcastically, the man bigger than Santa Clause, with a vicious streak as wide as the ocean, and a face that looked like a rabbit dosed up on laughing gas.

The Millennium Earl.

"What can I do for you?" The Earl started off.

"Well," Allen replied, never once losing his smile. "It occurred to me the other day that no one has asked you to stop trying to destroy mankind."

Oh no. Link thought with dread. I know where this is going. . .

"So," Allen said as he clapped his hands once (he had dropped Link next to him when he'd stopped walking). "Could you- along with the Noah Clan- please stop turning people into akumas, destroying Innocence, and cease trying to eliminate mankind?"

If he didn't have any dignity, Link would have bashed his head into the marble floor. "This is so stupid." He mumbled to himself.

"Thank you for asking, but no, I'm afraid I can't –along with the Noah Clan-stop doing what you ask. See, that would ruin my play."

"Of course, of course." Allen said as he nodded in agreement. That little-! Link seriously considered biting the kids' ankle to show his frustration.

"Then, I propose a bet." The teenage exorcist declared.

"A bet?" The Earl tilted his head.

"A bet." That white haired punk confirmed.

"What kind of bet?" That marble floor was looking pretty good right now. . .

"Call all the Noah's and I will explain." Correction. That marble floor was looking great, like a long lost lover or something.

In a flash, all the Noah's appeared from the shadows. From the little girl, to the twins, to the tall man with slicked back hair and some others. Seeing Allen, the two twins made angry faces and began to move forward until the Earl stopped them with a raised hand. Then he filled them in on what was happening.

"State the bet please."

"It's really quite simple." Ug. Exuberant as always. "I want to have a food eating contest."

The silence was, well, amazing really. Link could almost taste the disbelief and astonishment in their stares. Not for the first time, he wondered if before the boy was cursed if he'd, had blonde hair. Then Link remembers he has blonde hair and dismissed the notion.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" The Noah with slicked back hair asked.

"Of course Tyki. I propose a food eating contest. Me vs. All of you."

"I see." This time it was an older woman that spoke. She articulated in a dawdling voice. "What would the stakes be?"

"If I lose you can do whatever you want to me." He stopped before adding on. "And my companion as well!" Eh?! If only I could choke to death on my spit right now; but my mouth is too dry. Link thought mournfully. Did he have to say it in such a delighted tone?

"However," Here, Allen held up his index finger. "If you lose, you must stop trying to abolish mankind, destroying Innocence, and making akuma, okay?"

"What about the 14th?" Someone asked.

"That goes under the abolishing mankind part."

Perhaps it was because it was so late at night, maybe it was the fact that the kid looked so skinny, or some other reason. All Link knew was that after a group vote, it was decided they would take the bet.

Why is it, that Link suddenly felt that Allen was dropped on the head several times as a baby? Because this was too stupid to make up; only a moron would make this kind of gamble. Then Link gasped as another thought hit him.

The fate of the world rested on a food eating contest.

This time, Link really did smash his head into that wonderful marble floor.

So much for having dignity.

He stared in disbelief (after he'd woken up with a killer headache) at the sight in front of him. It had been several hours since he conked out (the sun was very high in the sky) and the contest was still going on.

That kid was a monster.

It was down to Allen, The Earl, and Tyki. All the other Noah's had dropped out to go throw up. It wasn't just because they had stuffed themselves to much either.

Link turned an interesting shade of green as Allen gulped down a whole plate of spaghetti, five cheeseburgers, about twenty dangos, and a whole bunch of other food Link could not distinguish.

Not only that, but he talked while he stuffed his mouth full of food. The most amazing thing (besides the amount of food being devoured) was that you could understand everything Allen said perfectly.

"I'd like to believe that I have never hated anyone in my life but if I did have to choose someone it'd be you." Of course he was talking to the Earl.

"See, if you hadn't started this whole mess, the 14th wouldn't have betrayed you, and I wouldn't have been sacked with his memories or his plans to get rid of you." He'd never admit it, but Links jaw had dropped to the floor.

"True I wouldn't have meant Mana, BUT I also would not have turned him into an akuma, get a cursed eye, OR be forced to learn from Master Cross. I would not have had to learn how to cheat at poker, learn about sex way before I needed to, or be forced to pay off that idiots' debts! You're lucky I didn't add that in to the bet. Just look at how much there is!" Saying this, he fished several pieces of paper out of his back pocket and showed them to Tyki and the Earl.

Tyki eyes popped out at the amount and he choked on the blueberry bagel he'd jammed in his mouth and fell over.

"I quit." He said in a strangled voice after being pounded on the back by several enthusiastic siblings.

Allen ignored him as did the Earl.

Nobody talked for awhile, just looked on hoping the spectacle would be over soon.

Then Allen, the chatter box that he is, opened his stupid mouth again.

"Why is it that the Level 4 akumas look like rejected cupids? They're rather creepy. Couldn't you make them more pretty? Like, oh I don't know, kitties or something? Kittens are cute. You should have made them look like kittens."

Did this kid even listen to half the stuff that came out of his mouth? Link had to wonder.

"Speaking of creepy, you don't look to smashing either. What's the deal with the rabbit face? I mean, rabbits are nice and all, but your face; you really need to get some work done on it. You have the money, I'm sure there's a doctor out there that can help you."

The urge to bang his head against the floor was coming back. The fact that Allen was saying everything so casually and carefree didn't help either.

Then it happened.

"I think Master Cross would do you though." Allen bluntly told the Earl while still eating. Now, this is not something someone should take in stride. The Earl probably doesn't get shocked much but, hell, that kind of statement would shock anyone.

"What?!" The Noah's screamed in union, as the food in the Earls mouth seemed to get sucked in much quicker than before. It was caught in his throat and he too began to choke like Tyki.

Yet, Allen kept his cool; and kept on eating.

"Master Cross would have sex with you. He'd be really drunk but he'd do it, no doubt." They all just kind of looked at him too shocked to move or speak.

"Are you done?" He asked after several minutes had passed and the Earl had yet to pick up his fork again. The audience (Link and the Noah's) then realized the Earl had stopped moving.

"Oh dear, looks like he died." Allen said, stating the obvious.

One of the most powerful beings on the planet died from a chicken bone lodged in his throat. The sound of akumas blowing up was heard as the one serving the food turned to dust in the hallway (it was taking back an empty tray).

Allen slurped up the rest of whatever he was eating and gave the Noah's a huge grin.

"I guess I win. Thanks! Great doing business with you!" Just like that, Allen picked up Link (who was still tied up) and began to leave (dragging Link along of course).

"Have a good day!" Allen yelled as he opened the front door and walked toward the gate.

"Walker. . ." Link started to say before he realized he had no words for this.

"It was a lie of course. Master Cross never liked heavy set women. Nor does he like men at all for that matter." He stated with such blank eyes that Link wondered what sort of trauma he'd gone through with Cross.

"I. . .think you just ended the war." Link whispered.

"Probably. Do you think they'll take off the treason charge?" Allen asked hopefully.

"Why is that so impor- wait, are you saying that the only reason you did this was to prove you were innocent?" Astonishment.

"More or less." A shrug of the shoulders.

"What if you had lost?" Link hissed in anger.

"I wasn't going to lose." Allen said with the wave of his free hand. " I practically starved myself for three days just for this."

"What if they hadn't accepted?"

"They did accept the bet though, so it doesn't matter."Allen said and then added with an evil grin. "They didn't even realize I began putting food into some of the napkins I used to 'wipe my face'."

"You cheated?" Seriously, Link should have been use to the feeling of disbelief by now.

"I didn't expect there to be so many Noah's! I should have waited another day or two." Allen said with a guilty smile. "But I wanted my name cleared."

"I see. Do you think you could untie me now?"

"Of course!"

HQ was in an uproar when they returned. Reports came from all over the world about akumas randomly blowing up. It also seemed that a search party had been sent out when it was realized that Link and Allen has vanished without word.

The interrogation when they got back could have gone much better. Then again maybe not.

It went something like this:

"Where were you?"

"At the Earls house." To be fair it was that dimwit Allen that had answered.

"Ha ha. No, seriously, where were you?"

It only became worse when the food contest came up. And Link skipped details when they asked what had caused the Earl to be so surprised that he choked to death (because no one needs to hear that statement, except Cross- but really that's only because Link wanted to see his expression and then watch him beat Allen up).

It took some time, but in the end, the others believed them.

"You truly are stupid you know that?" Link huffed as Allen and him left the interrogation room. Allen had been acquitted of all treason charges so Link didn't have to follow him. In fact he was going to make sure he stayed very far away after this conversation.

"Are you saying this holy war was won by foolishness?" Allen asked lightly.

"Essentially, yes."

"Maybe." Allen replied with (surprise, surprise) a big grin on his face.

"What made you do it?"

"Ah, well, I decided sometimes you just have to use a different approach." With one last laugh, Allen continued walking, leaving Link to stare at his back.

Well, Link consoled himself. Clowns were always known to act stupid.

END

A/N: This wasn't meant to offend anyone. If it did them I sorry; offense wasn't meant. Honestly, it's just a crack fic. I hoped you liked it (it's been awhile since I've done humor). Almost everything is stupid in crack fics. That's why it's stupid. Well even if you didn't find it funny I had fun writing it. Thanks for reading!