The anesthesia was slow to wear off, leaving her feeling numb; she supposed that was best, though. She didn't want to remember...

For several moments upon regaining consciousness, she just lay there with her eyes closed, letting everything sink in. The first thing to emerge clearly from the drug-induced haze was the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor. That's when it sunk in – she had a new heart. For the first time in her life, there wasn't the worry that each beat was going to be her last.

She gently brought her hand up to the bandage covering the stitches down her chest. Just like the first time she'd felt the pacemaker incision, it suddenly became overwhelmingly real.

"You shouldn't touch the incision," a quiet voice broke through her reverie, "You risk infecting it, considering that many hospitals are know hotspots for MRSA outbreaks."

She attempted a smile, but even that effort was exhausting. She turned her head towards the voice and slowly opened her eyes. "Reid..." she whispered, finding him waiting at her bedside.

She couldn't pretend that she wasn't disappointed that he was the one waiting for her to wake up. "Where's Morgan?" she asked, struggling to hold back her tears. More that anything, she'd wanted him to be there when she got out of surgery, holding her hand, waiting anxiously for her to open her eyes. She'd wanted his to be the first face she saw, she wanted to be able to celebrate her new life with him. She wanted the first thing she did to be to hug him and probably cry tears of happiness on his shoulder, she wanted to tell him how much it had meant to have him there with her these last few days, she wanted to tell him that he'd changed her life.

Reid opened his mouth as if to say something, but no words came out. He just shook his head and looked at her sadly.

"Is he here?" she asked again, voice breaking, "Please, I need to see him."

Reid shut his eyes as her eyes began to swim with tears; he couldn't help but think that the worst part of this whole ordeal was having to break the news. "Emily..." he said quietly, "He's not here..."

"Where is he?" Her heart – the new heart she was supposed to be revelling in the joy of having – pounded in her throat.

He said nothing, unable to bring himself to say the words. "I'm sorry," he whispered, handing her an envelope with her name in Morgan's handwriting.

She unconsciously held her breath, her hands shaking so much she could barely open the letter. Her brain tried to connect the dots, but she just didn't want to listen.

Emily;

I'm sorry.

I know no amount of apologies or explanations can justify me leaving you without a word, not even a goodbye, but it had to be this way. I knew I would never be able to leave you if I saw the look in your eyes as I walked away. You mean too much to me.

Please believe me when I say leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. More than anything, I wanted to hold you and never let you go, but I knew I couldn't. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I never meant to cause you any pain. I wish more than anything that I could be there for you, to hold you and celebrate your second chance at life.

When I began this...plan, I just wanted to change the lives of seven worthy people – I hadn't known you would be one of them. I never meant for you to find out this way. I wanted to keep this a secret from you forever, to spare you that dark side of my life, but I knew you had to know...

It all began when I was a cop in Chicago. My partner and I were on our way to a call when a car ran a red light and t-boned the cruiser. Everyone died immediately, except me. If only I had reacted a little faster, it would never have happened. I knew I had to make it right, to give seven people a new life for the seven I took away.

I started doing this a year after Mama passed away. I wanted to do it after I recovered from my injuries years ago, but I couldn't put her though the pain of losing her son. She'd been through enough already. Sarah and Desiree were happily married and I knew it was time.

I'm sorry it had to be this way. But you needed a heart more than you needed me in your life. And I know you'll make the best use of my gift; I know you appreciate the value of life. I only wish I had deserved you.

But I would do it again if I had to...

I love you.

Looking up from the tear-stained paper, she felt like all the air had forcibly been sucked from her lungs. She brought her hand up to her chest, feeling her heart – his heart – beating against her palm, just like their last night together.

She shook her head. "No..." she croaked out, her throat suddenly feeling very dry, "No, this can't be happening."

"Emily..." Reid said gently. He'd known she wasn't going to easily accept this, but he didn't know how to make her understand. He bit his lip as she began to cry harder; crying women made him very uncomfortable.

"He wouldn't just leave like this, he wouldn't do that to me – to us," she insisted. "Please, let me see him. This isn't funny anymore!"

"Emily," Reid tried again, "I'm sorry."

"No..." she shook her head in denial. "No. This must be some sort of sick joke. You guys just want to get me all worked up. Well, you won. Please, bring Derek in," she begged helplessly. "He wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't leave me without a word. How can you show someone you love her and then just walk away?"

"Emily, please," he sighed, "You just got out of surgery, you're not supposed to put stress on your heart." He knew this was just a part of the grieving process and that she had to get through it before she could accept what had happened. But that didn't make it any easier. He wished this job had been delegated to someone else, he wished JJ or Garcia could have been there with him to help comfort Emily, he wished none of this had ever happened. "Isn't it better that he died for a good cause, to save people's lives?" he asked, hoping to appeal to her reason.

Clearly, though, that had been the wrong thing to say. "This is not better!"

"You know how he is," he pressed on, "You know that he takes everything to heart." He winced at the unintentional slip of his tongue, seeing the pained look that crossed her face. "You know he blames himself for anything he thinks he could have stopped, that's just who he is."

"But why?" she sobbed, "Why did he have to die? Why now?" She sank back against her pillow, looking absolutely crushed. "God, why is this happening?"

"I... I don't have the answers..."

"This isn't true, right? Reid?" she asked, tearfully. "Please tell me this is just a horrible nightmare..."

"This is real..."

"No. No, it's not," she insisted. "Prove it to me. I want to see him."

"Emily," Reid sighed, "It won't do you any good."

"If I don't see him, if I can't tell him I love him too, then this is just a dream," she stubbornly insisted. "This is only real when I see him. I won't believe a word you say otherwise."

"But I don't even know if they're finished with all the surgeries yet...or if the morgue will let you see him or..." She gave him a look that clearly said he should find out. He shut his eyes wearily. "I'll go talk to your nurse..."

...

Walking into the cold, silent morgue, every fibre of her being was urging her to run. If she never saw his body, she would never have to accept that what happened had actually happened. Yet, she knew she had to see him...for the last time. She had to say goodbye and tell him that she loved him.

She carefully studied his face, running her fingers over his features, remembering the way his eyes would sparkle when he smiled and the way he bit his lip when he was deep in his thoughts. There was no warmth, no strong and steady heartbeat under her palm when she rested her hand on his chest.

"Wake up," she whispered in a last desperate attempt to prove that it wasn't real, that he wasn't really dead.

Minutes passed and she patiently waited for his response, even though she knew it would never come. Finally, she gave up and accepted the fact that he was gone. "You are a cruel man, Derek Morgan. How do you expect me to be strong and happy without you around?" Tears ran down her cheeks, "How could you do this to me? You never even gave me a chance to say goodbye, to tell you I love you."

She almost wished she could be angry with him, could hate him for leaving. She gave a half-sob, half-laugh, "I was always so afraid of being close to anyone because they'd get hurt...and I finally let someone in and I was the one that got hurt."

A few of her tears landed on his face, making it look like he was crying too. "You were wrong..." she whispered, voice barely there. "I need you – I'd rather have you here," she squeezed his lifeless hand, "Than here," she absently ran her fingers over the stitches.

"I wish I could turn back time. I'd have let you in sooner, I'd have admitted that I liked you the very first time I saw you. I would never have let you go though with your plan," she sobbed quietly.

"Emily," Reid said gently, "We should go. You shouldn't be out of bed for too long, your body can't take it."

"One more minute." She leaned down and pressed one last kiss on his lifeless lips. "I love you. I'll never forget you."

As she made her way out of the morgue, she felt her heart break at the thought of leaving him, but she knew she had to make the best out of his gift. She had to be strong, because that was what he would want for her.

She just wished it was easier...