The Red Mirror

A Naruto Fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Viz, and other companies, and it's creator is Kishimoto Masashi. I am not writing this for profit.

Take a concept from one manga, and take it for a spin and twist in another…

Outside the hospital room, Shizune had been summoned by the nurses on station. All of them had listened to the screaming and chaos and universally decided they weren't paid enough for this shit. Not being paid enough for this shit, Shizune now pushed on the door, testing if she could enter. She frowned deeply. She could sense two chakra signatures within. Not wanting to barge into a situation without more knowledge about what was going on, she called out.

"Naruto? Hinata? What's going on? What happened?And why is your door barricaded!"

The response was a bad impression of Hinata.

"Ano... W-We'd just like some, ummm... Pr-Privacy, please Shizune-san?"

A purposely bad impression of the speaker followed.

"Yeah, I'm trying to rape Naruto here and Hinata keeps getting in my way!"

"Uweeeeeeeeeeeh!" Shizune cried out.

"Ah! Th-That's a lie! I-I want to rape him first!" Sasuke shouted.

"I DO NOT!" Hinata cried. Further violence ensued from within.

It wasn't hard for Naruto to hear this from below the window, and it snapped him out of his shock over Red Naruto's statement. He shot his doppelganger a huge glare.

"That's not helping! That's not helping AT ALL!"

Red shrugged with a smirk. "Course it is! It's an option!"

"It's crazy! It's not going to help at all!"

"Well come on man, you've got to get something worked out. I can't stand around here all night, I've got a date!"

"You son of a-" Naruto's mental process skipped, and he stared in disbelief. "Wait, what? You have a date?"

"I think I said that," Red said.

"With who?"

"Ino," Red replied smugly.

"Ino?" Naruto gaped. "But-But-!"

"What? Aren't you glad it's not Sakura-chan?" Red asked. Naruto sputtered.

"You-You're dating Ino?"

"What? Do I need your permission?"

"You're me! You're supposed to ask for permission!" Naruto snarled.

The sound of something very big and heavy smashing emerged from the window, interrupting them again.

"I'm not trying to rape Naruto-k-kun!" Hinata cried.

"Of COURSE you are! You just waited until he was good and sedated!" Sasuke snarled.

"I'm trying to stop you, you-you hussy!" Hinata shouted back.

Red winced. "Ooh…"

"... BITCH!" Shrieked Sasuke, and she slapped Hinata hard enough to be heard. Both Narutos winced.

"Clock is ticking, Blue Eyes," Red said. "Gotta save them, right?"

Naruto swore loudly, and turned to climb back up to the hospital room window. Maybe he'd get thrown out again, but he couldn't just let them kill eachother!

Red checked his watch, and looked back up calmly. He had a little time left: Best to see how the original handled this. It might be fun.

Naruto made it to the window, and entered the room. Hinata had Sasuke in a headlock, and was pounding her fist against Sasuke's head. Apparently the two had given up on ninja skills and had just decided to brawl the old fashioned way.

"H-Hey, wait a second! Hold on! Cut it out!" Naruto cried.

"OW! OW! OW! GRR!" Sasuke responded by biting Hinata's arm. The pale eyed girl cried out.

"AH!" She lashed out with a kick between Sasuke's legs, as the neo-girl stumbled away. Sasuke yelped, and turned around, eyes burning in fury and pain.

"Hyuuga SLUT!" Sasuke reached out and grabbed a hold of Hinata's nipples, violently twisting them. Naruto stared as Hinata reached out and yanked hard on Sasuke's hair.

"Uhh… Y-You should really…" Naruto tried.

"RAPIST!" Hinata snarled.

"WHORE!"

"SLUT!"

"Hello?" Naruto waved his arms. The two women failed to notice him. Naruto thought for a bit, before he mentally snapped his fingers at a plan.

"Oh God, I broke my leg falling out the window!" He cried, collapsing to the floor. Hinata gasped, and looked over at him.

"Naruto-kun!" She cried.

"You stupid bitch, you made him break his leg!" Sasuke snarled, slapping Hinata. Hinata's face went red in rage.

"I BROKE HIS LEG?"

The girls once more descended into furious combat, and Naruto blinked in disbelief.

"Kage freaking Bunshin no jutsu," he sighed. Four clones appeared, and two each grabbed the fighting girls, pulling them apart. Naruto looked between them.

"Look, what the hell is it going to take to stop you from fighting?" Naruto asked. Hinata was panting as she glared angrily at Sasuke. Sasuke growled back. Naruto was able to keep his hormones from directing his eyes to the fact their clothing was so torn and so ripped that they were both barely decent.

"Nothing much," Sasuke said, almost calmly. Naruto smiled, until she spoke again: "Have sex with me, and father my clan. Oh, and let me tear this bitch's eyes out!"

"You're so selfish," Hinata admonished with a frown. Sasuke huffed.

"At least I'm honest in my intentions, wallflower."

"Whore!"

"Hypocrite!"

Naruto felt he was out of control of the situation. Hell, he didn't think he'd been IN control from the start. Bad guys he could just punch until they stopped, but he really, really didn't want to hit a girl… Even if one of said girls was Sasuke.

"All right, that's it, I have HAD ENOUGH!"

The door to the hospital room was blasted in by a powerful punch, and Tsunade herself entered after. Shizune, looking extremely embarrassed, followed silently behind.

"Baa-chan! Thank God!" Naruto grinned.

"H-Hokage-sama...!" Hinata cried.

Sasuke just scowled. Tsunade took in the sight of the destroyed hospital room, sighed and shook her head.

"You two…"

"H-Hey! Baa-chan, don't be too rough on them! S-Sasuke's not thinking straight and Hinata was just protecting me! Honest!" Naruto tried.

"Hinata, thank you for doing your assigned duty. Look at the mess you two-" Tsunade began, but Hinata, confused and angry, interrupted.

"Um...you were the one who-"

"-Made me make," she finished.

"...Oh," Hinata said softly. Tsunade sighed.

"There is only one way to settle this."

"How?" Sasuke asked.

"You two will just have to try to win over Naruto the old fashioned way," Tsunade said flatly, looking between them. "No fighting, no kidnapping, and no sexual assault."

Sasuke scowled, but slowly nodded.

"You'll just have to court him the old fashioned way," Tsunade finished.

"Y-yes Hokage-sama," Hinata said, smiling softly. She was the Hyuuga heiress, traditional courting and all that jazz was second nature to her! Well, at least that's what she'd been taught, but she had her whole clan to draw on for that! Sasuke had none!

… Which made Hinata feel very guilty, having such thoughts.

"... Yes Hokage-sama," Sasuke said quietly. Damnit, where could she seek advice for that?

"Just so that it's fair, Sasuke-chan, you're going to take a few courses in feminine refinement," Tsunade ordered. Sasuke frowned, but nodded.

"Yes Hokage-sama..." She said quietly.

"You're a woman of the Uchiha Clan and you're going to act like one."

"Yes Hokage-sama," Sasuke repeated. She gave Hinata a little smirk at this and any guilt Hinata was feeling evaporated. She glared back at Sasuke, electricity seeming to spark and crackle between them. Naruto, who had felt a rush of hope at Tsunade's entrance, now felt even more terrified.

"Now, Naruto-kun, go with Shizune to another room. You two? Clean up this mess you made me make," Tsunade ordered.

Naruto nodded frantically. "Y-Yes Baa-chan!" He made to rush out, but at Tsunade's look he coughed and turned to the two girls.

:Ah... Thanks Hinata-chan, again! Er... See you later, Sasuke... chan! Get better soon," he said. Sasuke smirked.

"Mmhm... See you later," she drawled in a sexy tone and a wink. Naruto's face turned red and he ran out as fast as he could. Tsunade shook her head and glared. The Shadow Clones poofed into smoke, leaving the two girls alone.

"...You're not going to win," Hinata said firmly, eyeing her rival with the same determination she'd shown Neji during their bout at the Chuunin Exam Preliminaries. Sasuke smirked back.

"We'll see… We'll see," she said.

"Girls! Get to work!" Tsunade ordered.

"Y-Yes Hokage-sama!"

"Yes Hokage-sama…"

Naruto shuddered, as though he heard them.

Somehow, maybe saving Sasuke isn't all it was cracked up to be…

And Red Naruto, far below, smiled at his handiwork… He casually checked his watch.

"Shit! I'm late!" He gasped, and ran for his date as fast as he could. Even he wasn't perfect.

Short bit, here. Truth be told I'm thinking this story doesn't have anything else to go with. It started serious, but now it's… Here. And I'm not sure where to go. Oh well… It was fun while it lasted.