The Five Universes in which "It" Didn't Really Happen and the One in Which "It" Did

#1

'JUST FRIENDS ??? YEAH RIGHT.' the big title on the cover of the archaic glossy-paper magazine read. It had been slipped under the door to his quarters and was still lying on the floor, all innocence and nonchalance. Spock was looking down at it, wondering at the folly of making the title letters take up almost the whole upper half of the page.

He picked it up, deciding he might as well examine this last human traditional magazine, the only one left of the thousands who had completely transferred to electronic versions. This one apparently still had enough devoted readership who were willing to buy the expensive printed copy and keep it circulating in the old-fashioned way. He was intrigued by what its contents were that they merited such unswerving support.

Well, and he was also intrigued by the photograph underneath the title which pictured himself and Captain Kirk regarding each other. This naturally explained why a member of the crew thought it fit to deliver it to him, Spock mused, although he still did not understand why they did not simply do it in person and preferred to cram it into the tiny gap between the sliding door and the floor.

Spock sat behind his desk with the magazine, resolved to subject it to closer scrutiny. Beneath the photo there was written in a smaller font: Starfleet Captain KIRK (35) and First Officer SPOCK (35) exchange one of their infamous strictly heterosexual LOOKS. Come on boys, get out of the closet already! Read more on page 6.

Bewildered, Spock did as he was told and set to reading the suggested article.

They may be renowned for the brave feats they keep accomplishing left and right during their missions for the Federation, but there is only one thing that REALLY interests us, isn't there. What wouldn't we give to be inside the U.S.S. Enterprise and see for ourselves what the TRUE RELATIONSHIP between James T. Kirk and S'chn T'gai (read 'see change team gay') Spock is!

Because we all have seen the numerous SEXUALLY CHARGED glances they cannot help but give each other even during official ceremonies. We all have seen the numerous FLEETING TOUCHES, haven't we? And why do they always stand SO CLOSE together? Leaning toward each other? Can't they get enough?

Well wouldn't you just like to know? Wouldn't you just like to put an end to all the speculations and know for sure? Guess what! WE ALREADY KNOW and are eager to share our findings with you. We bring you this EXCLUSIVE FIRST-HAND INFORMATION from an insider of the starship Enterprise who wishes to remain anonymous.

"Long story short, yeah, it's all true. They are f--king," the kind Anonymous informs us in laconic words and then elaborates: "Like at work we see that they just can't keep their hands off each other. Especially Kirk. He keeps just grabbing Spock or brushing against him. And Spock totally lets him. And you know Vulcans don't like physical contact."

Unless it's with your sensuous human LOVER, right, Spock? But wait, that's not all our reliable source tells us:

"And off-duty they just spend all the time in one of their quarters. Like seriously all the time. So I think it's pretty obvious what they do in there. It's common knowledge to everyone onboard that they are shagging like bunnies and it's really become a kind of a running joke."

Spock quirked his eyebrow in disbelief and irritation, but nonetheless finished the last paragraph.

So, try as they might, it seems like the appearance of JUST FRIENDS just won't work for these two, will it? Maybe that's because it's all PRETENSE AND LIES. And WE KNOW. And now YOU know, too. EVERYBODY KNOWS! So why do you keep on playing this farce, boys? We LIKE IT when HOT MEN have lots of HOT SEX and admit to it! Just do us a favor and OUT YOURSELVES before it gets embarrassing.

Well, that was … enlightening. Spock shook his head slightly at the utter misguidedness of the short text. The author seemed to try to persuade the readers that they had a real account of his and Captain Kirk's relationship. Spock sincerely doubted that any of the crew members would actually give them such an interview about their superior officers – firstly, they were deep in Space and only sparsely stopping at Federation outposts or civilized planets, and secondly, the implication – that they engaged in sexual intercourse on a regular basis – was laughably incorrect.

Or 87.9 % incorrect. They had engaged in sexual intercourse once. It had been a most regrettable action as it simply did not work. Neither of them had any desire to reprise the unsatisfactory experience and so they agreed on simply continuing their friendship, pretending it had never happened. And good friends they were. But nothing more.

Of course they spent a considerable amount of time together – that was only logical since they were the two highest in Command on the Enterprise. And as for the touching… It was Captain Kirk's natural inclination to establish tactile contact with everything and everyone in his vicinity and was certainly not limited to Spock. Concerning the 'looks', Spock was at a loss as to what this referred to. He suspected that it was simply a case of 'seeing what you want to see' which he had discovered was evidently inherent to humans.

All in all, Spock at least broadened his knowledge by learning what type of information interested Earth's people the most. Misinterpreted half-truths, sensational exaggerations and illogical conjectures. Fascinating.

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Yes, drabbles again. I just can't seem to be able to write anything longer. Oh well.

Please review.

And I still don't own Star Trek.