Chapter Eight

So the long hours finally passed and Aragorn came down from the tower with his lady hanging onto his arm adoringly. Never had such a company been seen before: A not-so-lone ranger, a narcoleptic river guardian-wanna-be, a fair maiden, a drunk and chronically depressed elf, a crime fighting dwarf, a boy band consisting of four hobbits and an unloved unwanted Uruk-hai that had finally found his place in the world. When Aragorn had fallen off the path and actually back tracked to Bree, they picked up Gandalf and went to go see a strudle-wrestling match. At the strudle-wrestling match they met a very beautiful girl and her brother, who decided to join the quest after Boromir refused to pay them to yodel. (Yes, Eowyn and Eomer!)

Two days later they were back on track, and believe it or not, so was the plot! The author was very pleased with herself, seeing as how she had just made a rhyme.

However, in the dark towers of Merlainia's mountains, Saruman and his faithful close-pin-on-the-nose minion Gollum were watching Donny Osmond in 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat' through the paperweight. Unfortunately, the image changed right when the ever-attractive Pharaoh began 'Song of the King' and Saruman saw the troop of idiots making their way through the enchanted forrests of Slothmorion. He immediatley shot to his feet and gripped his staff.

"Gollum, look! The Uruk-hai have also failed us! The lone ranger is still alive!" Gollum quailed at his words and curled into a little ball at the end of the couch, but Saruman continued to gaze into the paperweight. "This is terrible! Is Slothmorion not but thirty miles from the mountains of Merlainia?!"

"It is."

"We're screwed." Saruman plopped back onto the couch, and a long silence followed. "It's completely hopeless, there is no way we're going to win this."

"My lord, they haven't found the deodorant." Gollum stood on his skinny little legs and said, "There's hope! We'll send an army of our worst smelling, best fighting Uruk-hai to intercept them! And then we'll set out for the deodorant in disguise as traveling gypsies! I'll be Roseanne and you can be Esmerelda!"

Saruman rose an eyebrow. "Since when are you the brain of this duo?" 

"I'm not sure."

Saruman sat back. "And how do you expect to pull this off, pray tell?" Gollum leapt onto the coffee table and broke into song,

"It will be Spectacular! Spect – "

Saruman put a hand up. "No! I'll take your word for it, let us set forth as the gypsies Esmerelda and Roseanne!"

--- --- ---

Meanwhile, back on the journey to Slothmorion, our heros were in the middle of a big decision.

Gandalf sat down on an old tree stump and folded his knarled staff on his lap. "I have been meaning to tell you, my friends, how unbelievable pathetic you have all been." The old man looked serious, so all grins immediately ceased and turned into puzzeled whats.

"Pathetic, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked, standing some distance from the wizard but directly in front of him. The rest of the possee looked on at Gandalf in startled wonder from behind Aragorn, which only made the wizard want to crawl away and die as a result of their stupidity even more. "How have we been pathetic?"

"Well, Aragorn, you see…it has been a month and travellers seem to be sticking to you like flies, but you have only moved as far as Slothmorion. And we are not even there yet!" Gandalf tried to put the words into simple ranger-friendly terms, and it seemed to work. After a moment of silence, "I was beginning to consider finding a new Hero for this quest. All you seem to have been doing is making friends with very…strange and demented people."

Legolas popped gracefully up from behind Aragorn and latched onto the ranger's arm, giving Gandalf a very broken frown. "Aragorn has been gathering people to help him on this dangerous quest! Of course we are not all…perfect…and beautiful…and brave.." Legolas voice began to crack, and from somewhere behind them Boromir's voice muttered,

"And mentally stable."

Legolas burst into tears and Boromir received a number of glares, but Aragorn continued,

"Gandalf now we have enough people to find the deodorant and destroy it!" his face lit up as the heroic music began to wind softly on the breeze and pick up the ends of his hair as he straightened his posture. "Come my friends! Let us destroy this menace! I will lead the way!"

Gandalf put a hand over his eyes when the sound of cheerful music came from somewhere in the blue of the dusk. Wherever it came from, whatever it was, Aragorn liked it and leapt up into a convienent log that lay amongst it's scattered brothers on the floor of the forrest. When the rest of the company had assembled in a cracker-jack parade line behind him they all broke out into a song that would have made Broadway critics shudder and pray for the Apocolypse.

And off they stomped until night was nearly over, singing and singing until finally even Legolas' voice grew hoarse and they all collapsed onto the ground, gasping and coughing. Frodo lifted his head wearily and asked, "Aragorn…is it morning yet?"

"No…but we've got to keep marching. All the way to Slothmorion."

"But do we have to sing the same bloody song?!" Boromir bellowed, and behind him Arwen groaned from their seat on Silver (Aragorn refused to let the lady walk).

"Yes, Aragorn my love, perhaps singing is not the best strategy…" Arwen put in, and Gandalf came to stand next to the horse.

"Did it occur to you that the hideous droll of your voices are alerting every fell presence on this side of Merlainia?!" The old man shook his head and began to walk ahead once more. Aragorn looked from companion to companion, and frowned at they way they all sat down in exhaustion.

"You cannot give up now! We're almost to Slothmorion! If we do not make it then – "

"Yes, we know Aragorn." Gandalf said. "Shall we progress?"

Everyone wearily climbed to their feet and moved into their line. They all hopped up onto a long path of fallen trees and such with unnatural grace. Finally, they arrived in front of Slothmorion's gates.

The gates were abnormally high, and it took the entire company balancing Frodo on their shoulders to see over it. The hobbit peered into the silent forrest of Slothmorion, squinting his large blue eyes whilst the other members of the company (excluding the ladies, Aragorn and Legolas) shouted insults and threats, demanding him to hurry up. He did not reply, but thought he saw something very strange. A blond elf that appeared to be aiming straight at him with a perculiar arrow…

Swish! The arrow hit him square in the chest and made the entire company fall over, hard, onto the grassy floor of the forrest. Frodo gasped and choked, looking at the arrow that was vellcrowed to his shirt and pulled it off. The  (now recovered) company all gasped in horror.

Frodo had been hit with a jerk badge.