Author's Note: Hi everyone, originally I hadn't planned on posting this, but I'm fickle and I thought you guys might like it. This is the Reality outtake I submitted for MsKathy's Haiti Relief effort, enjoy!
So, to set you up: Bella slept with Edward for the first time the previous day, and as you probably recall it is right after that that Tanya shows up on Edward's doorstep, claiming he's the father of her child. He disappears from Bella's life for a week while Tanya is there. They are waiting for paternity test results and in the meantime this is what happens; it's in Edward's point of view.
** The italics are flashbacks from the night Edward spent with Bella. **
Outtake: Finding the Words
Any way Bella wanted it was the way it was supposed to be. And she wanted it hard and slow and everything in between and so I gave it to her. I'd give her everything if I knew how, but I knew I could give her this, at least.
She bared her neck for me to taste. "So much," I mumbled against her, unsure of what that meant.
"Do you want to come to the store with me?" Tanya called from my bedroom; I was sleeping in the living room for the time being.
I tapped my red pen against my forehead. No, I wanted to say, I don't want to go to the store with you, I don't want to go anywhere with you. But that would also be saying no to my – whatever he was. My son? "Yeah," I pushed out of my chair and stretched; my back popped dully.
"Don't look so enthusiastic, Edward." She stood at the entrance to the hall, her weight leaning on one leg, baby on her hip.
Ben, that's what she named him – Ben.
"Let me put my shoes on."
*~*~*~*
Bella's skin was sweet though I could feel it becoming slick with sweat. She was on my bed like she'd never belonged anywhere else and I was hard and she was so very soft. I'd ripped her shirt in my haste, but I didn't really give a shit. What had this night started out as? Her tongue made a slow pass below my Adam's apple and then I didn't give a shit about what my plans had been either.
"Edward?"
"Huh?" I blinked and realized I'd been staring at rows upon rows of baby products. There was so much to remember; I didn't know how Tanya did this all by herself. There was too much; it was expensive and it smelled weird and I couldn't believe that this really might be my life now. There were like, eighty brands of diapers alone. Fuck my pathetic excuse for a life.
"Are you ready?"
Not even remotely.
*~*~*~*
I went to Bella's that night, Monday. I went the front door, I knew she was home, and I looked in the side windows like some psychopath. There was a light on at the top of the stairs, I was pretty sure. But I didn't knock.
What could I give her? I had nothing to give anyone save for a good fuck and I'd never put her merely in that category. So I went back to the guest house, hands in my pockets, where I knew Tanya was trying to play house. She refused to get a hotel room, said I needed to get to know my son. But honestly, he scared the shit out of me. He was so little; I was afraid and on edge every time he was in the same room as me. There were too many ways I could break him, but I knew too well that my absence would do the job just as well as my presence could.
*~*~*~*
I wanted to worship her and tell her sweet things whose words eluded me. But that I wasn't good at anyway. I kissed her bare ankle, tasted the skin over the bone. I was good at this and I hoped she'd see what I couldn't say out loud. So I told her, "look at me." What I wanted to say was, understand.
I found a ticklish spot behind her knee that would be subject to further inspection later, if she would let me.
I stared at my sheet of white paper, which I'd covered in lines of red pen. "I'm sorry," it started out. I laughed, the sarcasm seeping through, and crumbled it up.
"What's so funny?" Tanya asked from the kitchen doorway; she wiped her hands on a dish rag. She didn't hum when she washed dishes the way Bella did, but she did wash them by herself though I'd offered my services. I felt for her then, watching her hang the towel off her shoulder the way I did. Her hands were dry all the time now, she'd told me.
"Nothing, just thinking."
She hmm'd and I saw her eyes move over me, not possessively, just reading. "You know, you should get a TV or something, don't you ever get bored?"
I lifted the corner of my mouth; it was something she used to say when she lived here. I replied with my line, "then I'd never get any writing done." She gave me some semblance of a smile before going back into the kitchen.
*~*~*~*
I saw Bella coming home from work on Tuesday; I saw because I was waiting for her. It was past time, I was sure, that she'd forgive me easily. But I had to see her, talk to her, make sure she was alright. Even if she hated me; she deserved so much more than my abandonment.
I'd done exactly what I'd promised myself I wouldn't do – I'd used her. We'd had sex, it was more than sex really, but I didn't know what to call it, and then I'd let her go without a single word. How many other men had done that to her? And was I lumped into that category now too? If I wasn't yet, I should be.
She'd walked out of here, humiliated I was sure, in my shirt that hung down almost to her knees. I wanted to grab her and drag her to me, slam the door on Tanya and everything that word meant – Daddy. But that same word froze me and like a coward, I refused to be thawed.
I was ashamed.
When Bella pulled up, it was almost dark; she'd stayed late at work the day before also. Trying to stay away from this place and me. Before she could even turn off the engine, I turned and went back inside.
*~*~*~*
She reminded me a little of honey, but that wasn't quite the right sweetness either. Something delicious. I inhaled and nipped at her thigh because she seemed to like it. My hands were at her underwear, this little cotton nothing, and I looked at her; I needed to know what she wanted.
"Please," she said like she was begging, like she would ever have to beg me for anything.
"Fuck," I mumbled against her leg; I wasn't sure if she'd heard me.
She tasted a little like honey too. Her body had fallen flat onto the bed and I hoped she'd seen all that she wanted.
*~*~*~*
I had a slim view of Bella's back porch through my side windows, obstructed, but visible enough. She was sitting out there with a book, her hair shined in the rare sunlight. It looked more like she was staring at the page rather than reading it. After a few minutes, she walked inside.
I pulled her against me and pushed inside her and it was like nothing I'd ever be able to describe. Her slim hands clutched at me, her nails raking down my back. So much, I thought and again, I wasn't sure what that meant.
"What are you doing?" Tanya's voice came from somewhere behind me.
When I turned around I could see that she was picking at the skin near her thumbnail, that cockiness from when she first arrived had all but disappeared. Now she looked fragile, like she knew exactly what was going on and that whatever plan she might have had was quickly evaporating. "Nothing," I said lamely.
"Um," she bit her lip and I kind of wanted to hug her. She shifted the baby higher on her hip. "I thought maybe we could order in tonight…I'm kind of tired."
I stepped closer. "I can make something; you know I don't like you cooking all the time." In truth, she was a wonderful cook, and continued to refuse the help I offered, saying she was used to doing everything.
She grinned, "I don't really feel like spaghetti."
*~*~*~*
I could feel Bella both tightening and coming apart beneath me and I could hold back no longer. So I let go, pushing into her harder and faster, willing her to come with me.
"Please," she said again, breathless. So I did. And her little fingers gripped me while I trailed my own between our bodies. We fell together, and it was like oblivion, but not - because it was her and it was me and this was infinitely more than just something I could give her because I was good at it. But I still didn't have the words.
On Thursday, I had pages, written through the previous night, of things I wanted to say to Bella, but none of it was enough. I had the words now, but they weren't the right ones. Nothing I could say wouldn't hurt her, I was positive. So, page by page, I threw it away. Fucking useless.
"Writer's block?" Tanya asked. I noticed she was always at the fringes of me now, listening, observing.
"Yeah," I answered.
*~*~*~*
"Can you take him for a little bit? I really want to lay down," her body shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't had a nap since…he was born."
She thrust him into my arms before I could say anything.
"Thanks." She went into my bedroom; I could hear the click of the door closing.
I was afraid to move, to look at him, to see some of myself in his eyes, or the shape of his nose, the color of his hair. He wiggled in my hands.
After I'm not sure how long, my arms got tired, my legs got stiff. So I stood up, so slowly it would have been comical to witness. I shifted him in my arms the way Tanya did and he made a hiccupping noise, but otherwise was quiet. Were babies always this quiet? From what little I knew, it didn't seem likely. I looked at him.
"Uh, hey."
He seemed to regard me, though I wasn't sure if that was possible. Shit, I knew nothing.
His hair was blonde like Tanya's, but with more red than she had. And his eyes were blue like hers as well. His nose was small and round like a button. He smiled at me.
I smiled back automatically.
And then I tried to feel it, that thing I was supposed to feel. That paternal thing, that love and fierce protectiveness, something I remembered dimly from my own childhood. But it wasn't there. I felt something like growing affection, but mostly I thought Ben should be protected from me. He deserved more than me as a father.
After little more than an hour, Tanya got up. I was circling my living room over and over, afraid to stop and afraid to do anything else. Her eyes were still sleepy when she took Ben from me; she held him naturally, as if he were an extension of herself. She cooed at him without a hint of self consciousness.
"So," she said after a time, "it's Friday."
I nodded.
"Dr. Harris said he'd call us tomorrow." She rocked Ben from side to side and I watched as he began to fall asleep in her arms. "Do you think he'll tell us over the phone?"
I tried to be logical. "Probably, unless he has a lot to say." I wasn't sure if that was the answer she was really looking for.
"Do you think you'd…come to Alaska?" She asked suddenly.
"Yes." I thought of Bella, of leaving her behind, and selfishly, of asking her to come with me. I thought about groveling, I never meant to stay away this long. I never meant to hurt her, but my shame pushed me inexorably backward while time kept moving forward and somewhere along the line I'd lost track of everything. I wanted her forgiveness, but I would take her hate if she'd only see me now.
*~*~*~*
I pulled her on top of me, preferred it this way. Time had slowed so far down I was sure it had stopped if not for the incessant ticking of my clock, but even that seemed lazy.
I played with her hair; I wouldn't say anything just then, but I loved Bella's hair. I brushed my fingers through it and straightened a few strands to see how far down her back it went, the middle, and then released it. My fingertips travelled all the valleys and dips I could reach in this position and any of the places I may have missed during our lovemaking. Above me, she sighed.
"Stay here," I told her. Stay here, on me, in this place with me, near enough that I can always reach you; I wanted to say that, but didn't want to scare her. So instead I wrapped my arms around her and waited for her to fall asleep before I let myself relax.
It was two o'clock in the morning and I was the only one awake. The air mattress was uncomfortable as hell and I didn't like being so close to the ground; it felt like trying to sleep on one of those inflatable raft things that kids use in pools. So I got up, made my way over to the window. There were no lights on at Bella's as far as I could see.
"Edward?" Tanya whispered; she always said my name like a question. I felt bad, like I hadn't treated her well since she'd been here. But it was confusing and I thought for a while I had a right to some resentment, maybe I actually didn't.
I turned around and leaned on the window sill. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, just couldn't sleep." She navigated her way in the dark until she was sitting at my makeshift desk. "Are you looking for her again?"
In the moonlight, Tanya's hair looked almost white. "She's asleep. Her name's Bella."
I heard her repeat the name quietly to herself. "I'm sorry, you know, for the way I just showed up and…yeah…,"
"You don't have to apologize to me."
We sat in the dark for a while, neither of us had ever been very good at having a serious conversation.
Looking at her, I realized that Tanya was really beautiful. She'd always been attractive, but now it was in some other way. "Motherhood really agrees with you, Tanya."
She huffed, "yeah I'm sure."
"It does."
She gave a little sigh like she always did before she came out and said something. "Do you think…if I hadn't…do you think that we could have made it work?"
I shrugged, feeling heavy. "Tanya, I – I don't know." I didn't think so, but I didn't want to tell her that. Sure, things might have worked for a while longer, but she wasn't it for me and I sure as hell wasn't it for her.
"Yeah, me either," she gave me a half hearted smile.
*~*~*~*
It was Saturday and Tanya's phone was ringing. We stared at it and at each other; Ben tugged at her hair.
I watched as she answered, trying to read her face. It had never been easy for me; she had this perfect ability to manipulate her expression into whatever it was she wanted you to see. But she was different now and I was beginning to think I was too. I knew next to nothing of fatherhood, but I could follow them to Alaska; I knew I would try.
And Bella? If I left, a part of me understood that it would be over for us before it had even started. But I didn't care, because I knew I would try with her anyway. I had to, even if it looked impossible. If she didn't want me, then I'd let her go though I'd never be too far; I'd wait, if waiting was what it took. First, no matter the outcome today, I needed to find words for her.
Tanya nodded to herself, the phone still pressed to her ear. She said things that didn't point in one direction or the other.
My heart thudded in my chest too fast. Is he mine? Is he?
She said a quiet goodbye and snapped her phone shut; Ben gurgled at her. She nodded toward the floor and then sighed. "You're not Ben's father."
"I -," was all I could manage. Had I wanted it to be me? No, I just didn't want it to be anyone else's; Tanya had been mine first. "What does that mean then, for you?" I still wanted to help; there was something I could do, surely.
"I know who it is now," she looked at me, admitting again that she'd been with someone else at the same time she was with me. "I just…hoped it was you." She kind of raised and dropped one shoulder as if it was no big deal, but I could see that her face was tight.
"Can I…do something?" I felt like I was grasping at straws.
She shook her head and smiled in that obviously uncomfortable way; she told me no, that she'd be fine. "Unless you want to move to Alaska with me anyway…," she added as an afterthought.
No, I wouldn't. Now that I knew I wasn't someone's father, I also knew that my life only went in one direction from here.
Tanya waved her hand, "forget I said that…I should start packing."
She got her things together quickly and before long, her bags were in her car, Ben was in his carseat, and Tanya was saying goodbye. She stood between the open door and the frame, fiddling with her keys. "Thanks and…you know, sorry for all – everything," she gestured with her free hand.
"Tanya…," I didn't know what to say. I thought maybe I should hug her or tell her something that would make it right again, but there wasn't anything like that. "Take care of yourself and…I'm here," I shrugged.
She reached up on her toes and leaned forward across the top of the car door to kiss me on the cheek. It didn't feel familiar like I thought it should.
And then, just as quickly as she came into my life again, she was gone.
*~*~*~*
I wanted to hear her breath and feel her heart beating, like I was afraid she would disappear soon and I knew if that happened, she'd take everything with her.
Sometime during the night Bella had changed positions and fallen asleep on her back. Her hair was sexy, wild and careless around her face; she had an arm curved up above her head. "Edward," she mumbled.
I leaned over her; she talks in her sleep. As carefully as I could manage, I relaxed, resting my head on her chest a fraction at a time. Counting the beats, I thought about tomorrow and everything I wanted to show her.
Author's Note: So there you have it, thank you lovelies for reading and I hoped you liked the insight into Edward's head.
For those of you that haven't already seen it, there's an interview I did for the site So You Think You Can Write? linked on my profile. It's a pretty cool site, check it out.
Also, I'm working on something new that I'm pretty enthused about. It's tentatively called The Youthquakers; I'll start posting after I've taken a little break to write a few chapters and get a full night's sleep :)