Author: Ryanfan14

Spoilers: 7/21 "Wolfe in Sheep's clothing"

Disclaimer: I don't own, CBS owns the character the band owns the song I'm just borrowing not making any money

~ (Ryan's POV) ~

I can feel my heart pounding wildly against my already aching chest as I hesitate outside the door to I.A.B. more specifically Stettler's office. The cuts and bruises on my chest and abdomen burn with a vengeance. I can vividly remember how I got these wounds. After all the images haunt me every time I close my eyes.

My tire blows…

A blinding pain to the back of my head…

Blackness…

Then pain, so much pain.

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this picture's frozen and I can't get out

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here

Believe me; I'm just as lost as you

I tried so hard not to give in no mater what they did to me…no matter how bad it hurt. I was willing to die for MY mistakes MY decisions…but I just couldn't live with the thought that little Billy Gantrey would be the one to pay. I just couldn't. He looks at me like I'm sort of hero…I know I'm not. I know I'm a complete failure.

And every time I think I've finally made it

I learn I'm farther away than I have ever been before

I see the clock and it's ticking away, and the hourglass empty

What the fuck do I have to say?

I cast a nervous glace around me. I can't muster up enough courage to go in. I'd though that I finally belonged, that I'd finally proven that I deserve to be here. That they actually cared, I give a disgusted snort at that. How could I have been so stupid? So utterly stupid and pathetic…and weak. I lean back against the wall behind me rubbing my eyes. This was my dream. When Lt. Caine offered me my job as a CSI in the crime lab I'd though my dream had finally come true… instead I was dropped straight into living nightmare. Met with regret and maybe even hate by most of my coworkers. I thought that they'd finally realized that I'll never be Timothy "Speed" Speedle, and I guess that they have…that doesn't mean they can't wish I were, doesn't mean they have to give a damn about me. I glance around one more time trying to imprint everything into my memory. I loved it here even with all the abuse I've had to suffer in silence…but now…my time's run out. Once I open this door and make my confession to Stettler it'd be too much to even dream of that I'll ever get to see this place again…unless I end up in an interrogation room…on the wrong side of the interrogation. I meant what I said to Horatio, I'll gladly go to the gallows now that Billy's safe…but that doesn't mean I don't feel sorrow for all I'm about to lose. I don't know what to say once I go through this door, how to make the notoriously heartless Rick Stettler understand my actions and the motives behind them, but I don't have a choice I have to…I just have to.

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this pictures frozen and I can't get out

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this pictures frozen and I can't get out of here

Release me; I'm just as lost as you

Believe me; I'm just as lost as you

I grip the doorknob till my knuckles turn white, but I can't bring myself to open the door. I let my hand fall, my shoulders sag and I let my forehead fall against the cool wood of the door. I close my eyes and wonder just how my life got so screwed up. I can't remember it spiraling out of control, but here I am crashing so I must have lost control at some point. When the Russians came into the picture? When I met Marc and Billy Gantrey? When I started Gambling? No none of those things although they certainly didn't help. No I was doomed from the moment I started working at the crime lab. I could feel my control over my life, my destiny slipping away. I hid behind my blank expressionless masks. I learned to fight fire with fire so I wouldn't get burned. I learned to stand alone, but that made it near impossible to ask for help. I learned to pretend I didn't give a damn when in fact it cut me deeper than I'd like to admit. None of it worked.

Keep it inside, the image portrayed

As if I couldn't stand losing as if I couldn't be saved, no way

A small confession I think I'm starting to lose it

I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need

I trusted them, respected them, I came to think of them as a second family after my first one turned their back on me, but now they've all turned their backs on me too. I though we'd been closer than this? Why'd we drift apart? Because I'm not what they want…I'm not who they want. I'm not Speedle. That's the conclusion I keep coming to every time. I'm the outsider, the screw up, the patroller with the chemistry degree, I'm no Speedle. My thoughts whirl around my head as I wonder if I'm doing the right thing for what's probably the thousandth time, but if I don't do this it will just keep haunting me. My guilty conscience will drag me down…I'm drowning I can already feel it. I just can't live with this burden.

A small reflection on when we were younger

We had it all figured out' cause we had everything covered

Now we're older it's getting harder to see

What this future will hold for us, what the fuck are we going to be.

I'd always held onto the childish thinking that if I worked twice as hard as everyone else I'd somehow be able to overcome my shortcomings. Mere wishful thinking, in my childhood I became a straight A's student by studying harder than everyone else. I became the star soccer player by practicing twice as long and three times as hard as anyone else on the team. All because I wanted to see the same look reflected in my parent's eyes when they looked at me as I saw when they looked at my older siblings. I wanted them to be proud of me. I was born seven years in age apart from my closest sibling. I hadn't been planed, I just sort of happened. They hadn't asked for me and they never let me forget it. So I decided that I'd make them proud of me, I'd make it impossible to ignore me any longer…but instead they'd hardly glanced at my report cards, never shown up for my soccer matches, and then I realized that I was fighting a losing battle. I'd never be able to make them proud of me.

Now here I am fighting another losing battle. I replaced the legendary Tim Speedle. I wasn't who they'd wanted, and they never let me forget it. I tried to work twice as hard as everyone else. To earn their respect, to prove I belonged. I'd decided that by doing my job well I'd make them come to except the fact that I deserved to be here. It was useless, Deja'vu hunh?

I took two deep, calming breaths fighting down my oncoming panic attack. I put my hand on the doorknob and then slowly turned it before pushing lightly on the door…

~ (Rick's POV) ~

I was in my office doing paper work when I heard a soft thump come from my door I glanced up, the upside to have glass walls, and I see Ryan Wolfe one of Horatio's pet CSIs leaning against my door lost deep in though. I immediately noticed the awful condition the young man was in. He'd lost weight, a lot of it he didn't look like he'd been eating. Dark purplish spots under his eyes coupled with the exhausted slump of his shoulders told me he hadn't been sleeping well either. He looked like a spent man. A deep knot immediately formed it's self in the pit of my stomach. I'd always pitied the poor boy. He wasn't perfect, but then none of the CSIs were, yet Horatio protected Eric and Calliegh with a vengeance but he seldom if ever stood up for his youngest CSI. He made mistakes and he had a hell of a temper but he was a good cop and his heart was in the right place.

I see the doorknob turn slowly and the door opens; now the young man is standing in the doorway. I put on an intentionally blank face as he pauses unsure of himself. He takes a deep breath.

"I need to talk to you" he announces his face completely blank…except for his eyes. His eyes read like an open book.

I gesture him to a chair dreading whatever he's about to tell me. I normally do my best to try and find some major fault in all of Horatio's people. I suppose it's because he got the promotion I wanted, and I hate to see him doing what should have been my job. Especially since I am now stuck in I.A.B., just a necessary evil. It's much easier to find fault in people if I can find a reason to dislike them.

Delko is a womanizer and has the whole mess with his sister and the following trip to Rio

Calliegh has her father, not to mention her problems with men.

They think I don't know they're together, they aren't very good at hiding it, but I've decided to let that slide…at least for now.

Natalia had troubles with her ex.

And Ryan has gambling and his temper.

Although the real problem is that he lacks tact. If he'd asked for help, or taken it when it was offered he probably wouldn't have gotten in as much trouble as he did. Not that I'm sure he would've gotten much help from the CSI team even if he'd asked. It was almost painful to watch the eager enthusiastic young man turn into a quiet almost timid person who trusted no one…and had a fiery temper.

He sits in the chair with his head hanging low, suddenly he blurts out a short sentence shame and guilt plain to see on his face.

"I was blackmailed into fixing a Case."

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this picture's frozen and I can't get out

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here

Release me; I'm just as lost as you

Believe me; I'm just as lost as you

I keep silent knowing that he came here to talk…when he's ready and not before. The pregnant silence between us grows and stretches till I feel obligated to break it myself.

"Go on, how'd this happen?"

"I was going to pick up the photographer…"

"Cameron West?"

"Yes sir, when my hummer blows a tire. I pull over and I'm checking the tire, I think….I think there was a nail in the tire…I'm…I'm not sure. I can't remember. I hear a car pull up behind me but I ignore it….it was a mistake. A big one…I should have done something…should have been more careful. I knew I knew people were after us I just…" he trails off and holds his head in his hands unable to talk any longer.

So lost, I'm just as lost as you

Oh well what am I going to do

I'm afraid I'll falling farther away (from where I want to be)

I urge him on, and he starts talking again in a detached monotone like he's merely talking about someone else. It bothers me especially after he starts to explain what happened after he came to duck taped to a chair. I feel sick to my stomach, and then I feel the first sparks of anger. How did this happen? How could Horatio have let this happen? True Wolfe's actions aren't entirely beyond reproach, but he was in a situation he never should have been in at all.

"Now that Billy Gantrey is safe I am fully willing to face the consciences of my actions, Sir." Ryan finished.

Before I can answer I hear my door open its Frank Tripp I asked to speak to him about a shootout he was in this morning.

"Uh, is this a bad time" The Texan asks spotting Ryan who's still sitting with his head in his hands and doesn't even look up at his entrance.

I stand up "No" I answer I look down and address Ryan "Stay here, I don't want you to touch evidence, I don't want you to work on any cases, and I don't want you to question any suspects. Do you understand? Stay in this room."

He nods face still in his hand. I guess it'll have to do.

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down, this picture's frozen and I can't get out

Please help me' cause I'm breaking down this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here

Release me; I'm just as lost as you

Believe me; I'm just as lost as you

I walk over to the door and head outside with Trip.

"What was that about?" he asked hostilely obviously concerned for the younger man as am I.

"Did you notice that Wolfe was MIA five days ago" I question him.

"No, Why?" he asked concerned

"Hmm maybe I should go ask Horatio that." And I will.

I'll be damned if I let Wolfe's career end over this.

This never should have happened

It shouldn't have been possible

Not without someone noticing.

The song is "Still frame" by Trapt I hope you like this! Please read and review.