Written for BrieStarWarsQueen because she wanted to see a bit more about Vinward and Lauren…

D/C: I own nothing… actually, that's not strictly accurate but it's not far off!!

Enjoy...

Bollo and Howard had spent the best part of the week baby proofing the garden and now they were mere hours from completion.

"Bollo think we need more bananas."

"No Bollo." groaned Howard.

"But…"

"We just need to sort out this patch of mud."

"You no touch that. Naboo grow special flower there - make special hash cakes."

"No. Not with the boys around."

"Richmond like special cakes."

"Have you been feeding my son drug cakes?"

"No. He steal them… he like them."

"It does explain a lot." conceded Howard.

Vince was sat on the sofa keeping an eye on the boys as they crawled around the living room throwing various items at each other; copy of Cheekbone, toy car, dummy, potted plant, Naboo's turban.

"Richmond, give that back to Uncle Naboo." droned Vince.

Jones let out a gurgled groan of protest, taking the turban from Richmond and putting it on his own head. It flopped down over his eyes and he giggled and clapped his hands as the world disappeared into blackness.

"Jones," laughed Vince, pulling the turban off his head, "I think this is too big for you."

"Gi'. Gi'." groaned Jones, bouncing up a little on his bottom.

"No. I'm not giving it back." laughed Vince, placing the turban on a high shelf. Jones bottom lip started to wobble dangerously.

"Don't," warned Vince, stroking his cheek gently, "go and play with something else."

"Vis." called Vinward. "Vis. Bebop." he said, pointing out of the window. Being the first word Vinward ever learnt, Vince knew that bebop could mean anything in the world. He strolled over to the window and looked in the directions his son was pointing. Next door was a blonde girl with big blue eyes. She looked about the same age has his boys and was picking up worms, seemingly nattering away to them.

"Bebop?" Vinward repeated.

"No. Girl. Can you say girl?"

"Bebop."

"Awww," Vince said sympathetically ruffling his son's wispy brown hair, "you're gonna have no luck with women at all. Girls don't like bebop. D'you know what they like?"

"Trum'et."

"No, not trumpets."

"Trum'et. 'ookmar'." Vinward insisted.

"Trumpets and bookmarks. Oh you're deffinately Howard's son! They don't like either of those things."

"Jones." Jones grinned.

"What Jones?"

"Jones."

"Is that what girls like?"

"Jones." the boy nodded.

"Girls 'ike 'ink." Richmond said.

"Ink?"

"'ink."

"Girls don't like ink, Richie. I don't think anybody's really that interested in ink."

"No. 'Ink." he said, pointing at Jones' bright t-shirt.

"Oh. Pink. Hmm, some like pink."

"Worm?" Richmond asked pointing at the blonde girl. "Tha' girl 'ike worm."

"Hmm," Vince agreed, "that girl looks like she's talking to a worm."

Just at that moment, Howard came through the back door. "Okay," he beamed, "Garden's all baby proofed."

"Last one is egg." smiled Richmond and crawled off quickly. Jones won the race, partially because he was quick and partially because he was quite clearly Bollo's favourite, which meant the ape had put a big hairy foot in front of Richmond as he'd neared the finish line allowing Jones to crawl through his legs to victory.

"You shouldn't do that." chuckled Vince to Bollo as he pushed his way past the ape to admire the garden.

What he saw made him gasp, then giggle, then laugh out loud.

"What?" Howard asked. He sounded a little hurt and Vince did feel a little bad about laughing but at the same time, there were corks on every branch of the tree even the ones that were over fifteen foot in the air. The flower bed had cling film over it. The concrete path had been covered by bits of old carpet that had been sewn together and all the walls were covered by old mattresses. The whole place spelt strongly of citrus cleaning agent and there were bits of foam covering the bench.

"What?" Howard asked again, as Vince tried to stifle his giggles.

"Just… you." Vince smiled, "Howard, honestly. Have you sprayed Dettox on our garden?"

Howard blushed before replying; "It kills 99.9% of bacteria."

"You know kids are supposed to have some bacteria, right?"

"Well, I think 0.1% is enough." Howard said, bristling his moustache.

"What if we give 'em a Yakult before they come outside? It could be like a full scale war between bad and good bacteria?"

"You know, that's not a bad idea." Howard said, rushing back inside. Vince rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his sons. Jones was crawling all over the cling-film covered soil, getting totally confused by the fact he could see the mud but not feel it. He kept prodding it and looking at his finger in confusion. Vince chuckled a little as he watched him. Richmond was crawling along the carpet towards Vince,

"Same inside." he said, patting the carpet.

"Yeah." Vince nodded, "it's not all like that in the big wide world. That's daddy Howard being a big, fat fusspot."

"Oi. Less of the big, fat please." Howard said, holding out a Yakult for Richmond.

"Did you go to the corner shop for that?" smirked Vince incredulously as Richmond took the drink.

"Yes."

"You're ridiculous." Vince chuckled, as Howard rushed over to give a Yakult to Jones, who promptly tipped it over the grass.

"Vis. Vis." Vinward called.

"I wish you'd call be dad," groaned Vince as he strolled across the 'Lenor' soft grass to his son, "you're not really supposed to call me Vince."

"Vis." Vinward said again, putting his arms up to Vince and bouncing up a little on his podgy legs.

"What?"

"U'."

"Up?"

"U' Vis."

Vince lifted his little son up. "What's wrong Vin? You a bit freaked out by how soft and round everything outside is?"

"You wouldn't be so mocking if one of them fell over and cut themselves." Howard pointed out from the flower bed where he was carefully making sure Jones drank the remainder of his Yakult.

"It's gonna happen at some point Howard. Probably best if it happened in our garden rather than out on the streets where there's no first aid box, yeah?"

"I always have a first aid kit handy about my person." Howard promised.

"Hey." Vince grinned, "maybe I could try and find it later on when we're on our own."

"You wouldn't look it the right places."

"It's okay. I'd look in all places." he winked.

"Bebop." Vinward said, bouncing a little in Vince's arms to regain his dad's attention. He was pointing over the fence, to the girl.

"Ah, checking out the ladies, is it Vin? Very nice."

"Lau, lau!" Vinward suddenly shouted, waving his arm. The girl looked up and dropped her worm back to the floor.

"Vi'ard." she giggled, waving back.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"Yeah. Well, apparently I'm an egg because I lost a race."

"Cool. Scrambled?"

Vince frowned and looked at Howard who too looked completely confused. Vinward and the girl weren't talking, just making a series of completely indistinguishable gurgles and yaps but they seemed to understand each other perfectly. They looked like they were having a meaningful conversation.

"Hey Vinward, who do you think would win in a dance off between Ozzie Ozborne and Alice Cooper?"

Maybe not so meaningful then.

"It would depend what they were dancing to."

"Gary Numan, obviously."

"Err… not electro. Don't you know the hidden intricacies of bebop?"

"Oh dear." groaned Vince, banging his forehead against Howard's shoulder in mock exasperation as the first distinguishable word was uttered, "he's talking about bebop. He's doomed."

"Don't be ridiculous. I charmed you with bebop."

"No, you charmed me despite bebop." Vince clarified, with a cheeky smile. Then, he looked past Howard's shoulder to see Jones shovelling soil into his mouth. "Jones!" he groaned, "Drop. Er, yucky." he said, pushing Vinward into Howard's arms and running to stop his son from eating any more mud, calling "hey Howard, at least he's drunk Yakult, eh? Those good bacteria are probably having a whale of a time in his belly."

"See, I bet you're glad I disinfected it now. Ha!"

"Oh yes Howard, brilliant," scorned Vince, as he fished the mud from Jones' mouth with his finger, explaining why you didn't eat dirt.

"almost as brilliant as putting cling film over the mud. That worked too, didn't it? He's picked a hole right through it, you didn't prepare for that, did you?"

"Alright, alright. Maybe I should get some more cling film."

"Don't be stupid." Vince smiled and, finally satisfied that Jones wouldn't eat any more mud, got to his feet and suggested, "Why don't you go next door and ask if their daughter wants to come and play?"

Howard put Vinward down and was about to leave when Vince shouted,

"Take Vinward with you. You'll look like a peado otherwise, especially with your shifty eyes and your moustache."

Howard scowled at Vince but he picked Vinward up anyway and popped next door.

Vince smiled and when he turned back he found Jones chewing on a stone.

"Jones. Stop putting things in your mouth." he chuckled, pulling the stone away and dropping it to the floor.

"Dum, dum." Jones cried.

"You want your dummy?"

"Dum, dum." the boy nodded

"Okay." sighed Vince getting up and checking how Richmond was. He was staring up at the tree and all it's corked points and then at the picture in the book he was holding as though comparing.

"Not same." he frowned and Vince chuckled, though he had to wonder where he'd got the book from.

Vince walked to the door and called into the house for Bollo to bring Jones' dummy.

"Err, which one?" the ape asked,

"The colourful one." said Vince,

"Not one with vampire teeth?"

"No that's Richmond's."

"Found it." Bollo said finally. When he handed the dummy over, it was covered in monkey hair.

"Ahh, Bollo, you've moulted all over it you filthy ape!" Vince knew that Howard would sterilise the dummy a hundred times but Jones had just eaten his own body weight in dirt, so he gave it a quick rinse under the tap and handed it over. It wouldn't do any harm or at least it wouldn't do any more harm.

--

When Howard returned Vinward and Lauren were 'chatting' non-stop in his arms.

"What's that?" Lauren asked in her mixed up language that only she and Vinward understood, as she tugged sharply at his moustache.

"It's my moustache. Good, isn't it?"

"No. My hair's better."

Howard put them on the grass and sat on the bench next to Vince.

"You've confused Richmond." Vince smiled, pointing to where the boy was still studying the tree.

"Well, he might not go in to horticulture but at least he's safe."

"Well, yeah but then again, there's no way he'd scratch himself by looking at an uncorked branch that's five foot away from him. Those corks are a bit pointless, Howard."

Howard was about to comeback with some deeply witty, cutting and funny remark… he was! But it was at that moment a woman, who looked a lot like Lauren, popped her head over the wall.

"Umm… Mr Moon." she called. She had a faintly Irish lilt to her voice and it was soft like summer.

Howard jumped to his feet immediately,

"Mrs Blanche," he smiled back, "is there a problem?"

"No, no. In fact, I was wondering if I could be a bit cheeky."

"Oh?"

"Well, me and my husband are planning to go out this evening, I mean, we wont be back late maybe half nine. I was wondering if you'd look after Lauren until then."

"We'd be happy to." Vince said, joining Howard at the wall.

"Who are you?" Mrs Blanche asked, holding out her hand.

"Vince Noir," he answered, shaking the hand, "I'm the boys other dad."

She didn't flinch, not even a moment of hesitation in her eyes, she just said; "Oh right. Of course." like it should have been obvious. Vince decided he liked her so he said,

"Half nine's not an evening out. You should stay out longer. We'll have her over night if you like. There's plenty of room inside. It's like a tardis. And Vinward would love her to stay."

"Oh… well, that would be more convenient." she admitted. "Lauren?" The little girl looked up. "Would you like to stay here with Vinward tonight? Howard and Vince will look after you."

"Yip. Yip!" the girl shouted.

"Was that yes?" asked Vince with a smile.

"Yeah," Mrs Blanch smiled, "she can hardly say anything but she can say Bowie perfectly and she can recognise his songs."

"Ah, you taught her well." Vince grinned.

"No, that's the thing. We don't even listen to… er, is your son supposed to be drawing in that book?"

Howard and Vince turned around to see Richmond colouring something in his encyclopaedia.

"That's your fault," Vince hissed at Howard "He's probably completely confused by your cork tree."

"I'll go and put him straight."

"Yeah." Vince said. He carried on talking to Mrs Blanche for a bit, whilst Howard explained to Richmond that the book wasn't lying to him and that most trees didn't have corks on them. It wasn't long before Mrs Blanche was off to pack a small bag of things her daughter would need that night. She'd hardly passed them over the fence and left, when Vince felt tugging on his trouser leg and small whiney noises travelling from Jones, who was clutching his belly and looked very pale.

"Ooo." Vince said, picking up his son and legging it to the bathroom. Something told him all that soil was coming back to get Jones.

--

Jones was sniffing and snuggling into Vince's chest when they came back downstairs. He was in his electro-blue pyjama's and he was suckling on his dummy.

"Well, you shouldn't eat soil," Vince was saying softly as he sat down on the sofa, "or yellow snow. There you are, I'm passing on some of life's most crucial lessons Jonesy, and you're not even a year old." he smiled, tickling Jones under the chin. The boy giggled a little but he just looked exhausted and it wasn't long before his eyes were drooping shut in Vince's arms.

Not long later, Richmond, Lauren and Vinward came in from the garden.

"I would say they need a bath," Vince said in his hush-one-of-them-is-sleeping voice, "but they're probably cleaner now than they were when they went out."

"Hush your lips." frowned Howard, picking up Vinward and Richmond and offering to take them to change into their pyjamas.

"What and Lauren just stays like that does she?" smirked Vince.

"Well… I mean. She's a girl."

Vince raised an eyebrow. "They still have pyjamas Howard." he laughed, passing Jones over taking the three children upstairs to get them changed as he asked Bollo to make them a snack

It wasn't long before Vince was regretting the snack. Jones was still fast asleep and Richmond had eaten his mushy banana straight down but Vinward and Lauren were definitely bickering in their little language and then, the inevitable happened…

Squelch!

"Ahh. What are you doing you bumberclaat?"

"Putting banana in your moustache."

"Yes, I can see what you're doing, what I mean was… why?"

"To feed it. It looked hungry."

"It's a moustache, It's not hungry."

"Well, not anymore… I fed it."

Squelch!

"Ahhhh! My hair!"

"It looked hungry!"

"Hair doesn't get hungry. Ahh. Is Bollo gonna eat my head now?"

"Might do."

Lauren grabbed bottle of milk and squirted it directly in Vinward's face and promptly fell about laughing.

"Okay," said Howard, stooping to pick up Vinward, "that's enough of that. Come on Vin. Let's get you washed."

He ran a flannel over Vinward's face and cleaned the mushy banana from his moustache.

"There you are… all clean."

Then he tried to use a similar technique on Lauren's hair.

"Stop!" cried Vince, leaping in to pull the girl away.

"What?"

"You can't use a flannel on someone's hair! Not when it's this good. This needs special care and attention and hair products."

Lauren nodded in his arms and he took her to sort out her bouncy blonde locks.

--

Vince crept into the boys bedroom and placed Lauren gently in a cot. She immediately sat up and looked around.

"Vin'ard." she question, peering sweetly up at Vince.

"He's down there." Vince smiled, trying to encourage her to lie down.

"Vin'ard." she repeated, refusing to lie back.

"You want to see him."

"Vin'ard." she nodded.

Vince frowned but he shrugged and picked her up and took her over to Vinward's bed.

"Hey Small eyes." she whispered, Vinward's eyes opened and he smiled a little.

"What?"

"I won the fight."

"Shhh and get in."

Lauren wriggled from Vince grasp and sat with a bump next to Vinward, then she threw her podgy little arms around his neck. Vinward gurgled something and Lauren pulled her arms away looking hurt.

"Bet he just said 'don't touch me'." Vince whispered as Howard popped his head around the door to see what was taking Vince so long.

"What?" he asked.

"Shh, come here."

Howard walked over just in time to see Vinward go "Eyyyyyyyyy." sounding like the Fonz and Lauren hugged him again. Vinward muttered something else.

"I mean it, don't ever touch me," Vince translated, in a high pitched voice that Howard wasn't sure was meant to be him or Vinward, "reckon I'm getting that thing when you think you've seen something before."

"Déjà vu?"

"Yeah that." Vince smiled, placing the blanket over both the kids' shoulders as they snuggled into the cot.

"Why?" asked Howard as they left quietly,

"Well… when I met you, I squirted milk in your face."

Howard paused for a second and then; "but you were ten."

Vince smiled a little, "It wasn't my fault," he insisted, "I didn't expect to turn around from the vending machine and see a moustache bearing down on me. It was self defence."

"No. You turned around and screamed like a girl. You didn't open your milk until I was half way through explaining what my moustache was. Then you asked if I liked Gary Numan, I didn't so you threw milk in my face."

"Oh yeah." Vince said, smiling a little as he remembered. "Well, you deserved it."

Howard was about to retaliate when Vince said,

"I fancy a Numan concert. I'm gonna go let him out of the cupboard. You coming small eyes?"

Howard shrugged and followed Vince down the stairs to the shop.