CSI: isn't mine and no profit will be made from this work.

Cottonwood House II – Lost for Words

"The more things change, the more they stay the same."

- Alphonse Karr

Chapter 7

"Stop that, stop it right now!"

My head snaps up as Sara raises her voice and I look at her in confusion.

"I know that look, the one that crossed your face just now. It took me a while to realise what it meant in those first years after I joined the lab but as soon as I knew for sure I sat you down and we dealt with it, remember? If we hadn't I don't think we would ever have gotten together.

"Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you're the only responsible adult in this relationship, you know that. That's why you told me that this was my decision to make. You made it clear that it was up to me if I decided to stay, knowing that you want to start again from friendship while we explore the ways we've both changed since we were last together and that, wherever our relationship ends up, fatherhood is not something you see in your future. Well, I've thought about all that and I'm staying, so don't start second guessing me now."

I try to look contrite.

"You do want me to stay, don't you?"

I look Sara in the face and blink, not because I haven't understood her question, but because at times like this when pain and emotion are getting on top of me I tend to find it easier to slip back into the old "one blink for yes, two for no" system of communication that I had to use when I first woke up from my coma. Unfortunately Sara doesn't know the code.

"Answer me Gil, ignoring what you think is the right answer for my needs, do you want me to stay around, yes or no?"

I nod, so vigorously that my headache comes back full force and I have to lean back against my pillows with my eyes tightly closed.

Sara's concerned voice asks me if I am OK. Without attempting to move my head or even open my eyes I release her hand and raise mine. Stopping her anxious questioning with my hand held flat, palm out I then point to her and then mime talking with my hand, as though I'm using a sock puppet, to tell her she can continue with what she is trying to tell me. Thankfully she has finished chastising me for second guessing her decision and she starts to explain her choice.

"I know that in those few 'phone conversations we had after I left I told you that I could never imagine being able to live in Las Vegas permanently again and, for a long time, that is what I truly believed. Then my travels took me overseas and more people began to ask me questions about my home. Every time they did I found myself thinking of Las Vegas. It doesn't matter where I was born or was fostered or where I went to school, Las Vegas has been more of a home to me than anywhere else ever was. Of course a lot of that is down to you," she gently touches my arm and I manage to reopen my eyes enough to see the affectionate look she gives me before resuming, "but I've also spent more of my life, made more true friends and achieved more stability in that one city than I have ever done anywhere else.

"Other people don't run away abandoning their entire lives because something has gone badly wrong, if they all acted the way I did then New York, San Francisco and New Orleans would be ghost towns. Even just among our little group Nick never ran after all he's been through over the years and you didn't, and that has meant you've had your friends, your little family, around you as a support network. By running away I lost a lot and I let Natalie Davis and Hannah West and all the others like them win and it also meant that they didn't just hurt me; by leaving I let them hurt you too.

"I'm never going to go back to working as a CSI, that would be a step too far, but when I came back here it wasn't to try and persuade you to leave town and come away with me, forcing you to throw away your life too, it was to try and rebuild my life on the foundations I already made in Vegas. I've done a lot of thinking since I found out that I might not be able to be with you in the way that I'd originally hoped and I realised that, in some ways, it's even more important for me to deal with the situation by staying in an area I know so well."

She smiles almost ruefully and reaches to push away the few curls that have matted themselves to my forehead; it's amazing to feel the gentle affection in that simple action.

"Of course just because I know the area doesn't mean that I haven't a lot of challenges to face. Obviously I need to find a place to live, Catherine has been very generous in arranging for me to live at the Eclipse but if I'm looking for stability a Strip casino hotel is probably not the best place to find it," she grins.

"Of course I'll need a job to pay for all that."

I make a mental note to ensure that she gets enough of the money I banked from the sale of my townhouse to at least give her a deposit, even if she insists on paying me back later.

"I'm going to stay away from law enforcement but I'm sure that there are plenty more opportunities for someone who is bright, flexible," and beautiful, don't forget beautiful, "and has a broad science background. I need to find something that will interest me but that I won't find as all consuming as being a CSI was, you were right when you told me I needed to find room for outside interests in my life."

Yeah, I did, and then I hauled her into work as soon as she had a day off and tried to do something about it.

"Balance also means having friends outside of whatever job I wind up doing. Fortunately I have a head start on that although I've a feeling that I have some major repair work to do in that department too."

My raised eyebrow illustrates my surprise. The only real friends I can remember Sara having in Vegas are the CSI team and I can't imagine that any of them aren't welcoming her back with open arms.

"It's OK Gil; no-one's giving me a hard time. I'm sure the guys would forgive me for leaving them the way I did in a heartbeat, but they're your friends too, they know better than I do what it was like for you to have to deal with me having gone so suddenly and they were the ones who held vigil at your bedside while I wasn't there because I was too wrapped up in my own problems for it to occur to me that something could happen to you that might mean you needed to contact me urgently. I'll always regret that and that I dismissed your failure to answer my calls so easily and didn't make the effort to find out from someone else if anything was wrong. It's bound to have had an effect on how the team feels about me."

Sara has taken hold of my right hand again and now I'm glad that she doesn't let go as I use that arm to raise her fingers to my lips so that I can gently kiss them. I can't speak for the others so I do the best I can right now and try to show that my own forgiveness is complete.

It's strange, but it was because Sara wasn't there while I was in hospital that forgiving her became easier. Besides the pain of her chosen method of telling me that she was going, the thing that had bothered me the most wasn't that she didn't need me, I'd known how independent she was from the start, but that she didn't want me to help. It was only while I was lying immobile in my hospital bed, listening to Jim explain that he'd come to a dead end in his efforts to find Sara that I came to understand Sara's motives because, however much I wanted, needed, her right then, there was a part of me that was relieved that Sara couldn't see me like that and hadn't had to go through the ordeal of waiting to see when, or even if, I was going to wake up. It wasn't that I wouldn't have given anything and forgiven everything to have Sara by my side, but it is when I finally understood why she was so determined not to let me see her fall apart.

"Thanks, Gil," Sara treats me to a megawatt smile, "I know I have your support and it means a lot, especially after I let you down so much."

I shake my head.

"Yes, I have, I've been totally selfish at times and I hurt you in the process. Not only that but I justified it to myself as being OK because of how you sometimes made me feel during my first years in Vegas. That's not fair is it, though, because however it might have seemed from the outside I've come to realise that in your head you were doing everything that you did because you thought you were doing the best thing for me."

Well, I certainly wasn't trying to hurt Sara and I did believe that her career and reputation were in as much danger as mine if we started a relationship and had it discovered, but I wouldn't claim to be as altruistic as all that. As much as I believed Sara would be better off without me, I also wanted to protect myself from the hurt that would come if I dared to become involved only for her to realise that for herself.

"OK, so have I made it clear that this decision and any repercussions are down to me?"

I nod again.

"And, just so you're aware, because it's clearly something you're concerned about, the children thing? It's OK; to be honest I was pretty much thinking the same way as you while we were together. If you had been eager to have children then I would probably have agreed to start a family with you but, as long as you didn't raise the issue, I wasn't going to. C'mon Gil, you know how I reacted every time you asked me to deal with a young kid as part of an investigation and didn't you notice that whenever someone from the lab called in during their maternity leave to show off their new baby I was always the one who ignored it and carried on working? I know people say that 'it's different when it's your own', but I never believed that and I certainly don't want to bring a child into this over filled, over extended, over heating world as an experiment to try the theory out.

"As for my body clock starting to tick, well I've felt nothing yet."

Sara is smiling when she makes the last comment, but now she shifts her position on the bed and withdraws her hands to her lap where she stares at her fingers for a few moments, a slight frown on her face. I recognise the signs, possibly familiar only to myself, she is preparing herself for one of those rare moments of candour when she reveals more of herself and her past than she is usually prepared to show the world. I school my features into a neutral expression, Sara needs to know that I am listening and ready to take whatever she has to say seriously, no matter that the level of trust she still has in me after all this time makes me want to grin.

"You know, Gil, when I was a kid growing up in the child services system, there was never any possibility of my getting out until I was old enough for emancipation. Mom wasn't likely to be freed or deemed a fit mother until well after I was grown up but, despite being told that, after everything that had happened with my Dad there was no way she was going to agree to sign me over to be put up for adoption by some stranger she knew nothing about. Anyway, I was aware of that from the start, but plenty of other kids weren't and the ones who had no possibility of family being allowed to pick them up used to hold on to the idea that one day they would be adopted and the uncertainty and moving about that came from being in foster care would be over for them. Some of them would talk about it constantly until the day someone took them to one side and explained that the older they got the less chance there was that anyone would want them. Sometimes I saw that conversation happen right in front of me and the loss of hope was painful to watch. Like I said, the idea of very young kids scares me half to death, but the possibility that one day I might be the person who gave one of those older kids their hope back, prove to them that they've not been given up on just because their age got into double figures and maybe turn their lives around because of it, well that might be worthwhile.

"I'm not ready for that yet, I might never be, but with older kids adoption agencies are more likely to be flexible and take me on as an older woman and, if it comes to that, as a single person. So you see Gil, although I would want your support if I ever get to that point, you not wanting to be a father wouldn't necessarily stop me being a Mom if that's the way that my future unfolds."

Sara brightens again, the confession of her deepest thoughts over with.

"But that's way in the future. Right now you need to rest. I'm going to give you a few days while I get the wheels in motion for my new life in Las Vegas and then I'm going to speak to Catherine and Lucy and find out how I can fit into the other guys' visiting roster, that way we might all get a piece of you without wearing you out completely."

She grins and leans over to use the control that moves my bed back into a sleeping position, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead as she does so.

"Do you want me to send in Lucy to help you finish undressing?"

I nod drowsily, pleased that Sara no longer seems angry that I didn't want her to do that job.

"Sleep well, Gil Grissom, I will be back."

I smile happily but now that the conversation I was dreading has turned out so well my eyes have already closed of their own accord. I have a feeling that when Lucy gets in here she's going to find me fast aslee...

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A/N Well, that's it and, yes, I know I could have written more. My usual response is that with all my writing I like to leave people the room to imagine the story continues the way that they would like it to. Plus, I've always been told it's a good idea to leave your audience wanting more. :D In truth, if a story could ever be described as being a nemesis, this one has been mine, it took far longer than I expected to write it and it has been a struggle a lot of the time. This just seemed a good place to end, with Grissom relaxed and dreaming about what the future might bring. Thank you for reading.

Finally a brief "plug". Last year, I am extremely pleased to say, the precursor to this story, "Cottonwood House" received a nomination in the CSI Fan Fiction awards 2008. Now it's time for those awards again. There are only a few days left for nominations but voting will begin shortly afterwards so, if you want to have a say in who wins, or even if you just want a few reading suggestions from the nominations list, all the information that you need can be found at the web page which, of course I can't give you the link for here *sigh*. However if you do a search for "CSI Fanfic Awards 2009" (including the quotation marks) you should get the right page. Please take a look!

News Flash: I am pleased and proud to say that this story has now been nominated in the angst category of the 2009 Awards!