This is the end, my friends. The last chapter...the wrap up...the final installment...*bursts into salty tears*

I STILL DON'T OWN BLEACH just in case you forgot

At this point, Grimmjow looked up, and choked. He wasn't eating any food (the food was nigh impossible to eat) but he choked. On…air.

For Grimmjow had really noticed Ulquiorra down the table for the first time, and he was just getting the full brunt of the Hair. Everyone else had gotten over it, but Grimmjow was left feeling like someone had punched him in the stomach. He waved his arms and pointed wildly. He wheezed for breath, mouthed wordlessly.

Everyone was looking at him curiously.

"Side affects…?" asked Szayel, cautiously.

Grimmjow shook his head rapidly. "Wha…" he managed to gasp, "is with…YOUR MOTHER FUCKING HAIR!?"

Ulquiorra smiled happily. "I was getting tired of the black. So dull."

Grimmjow gaped.

"You look like a fish, Sexta," said Ulquiorra, with just a touch of his old sharpness. "Close your mouth before a spider spins a web between your jaws!"

Grimmjow scowled and closed his mouth. "You look like…" he searched for words.

"A highlighter?" suggested Szayel.

"No, more like a watermelon. On steroids." Grimmjow replied.

"A watermelon grown on Three Mile Island!" Haribel added.

"Good." Ulquiorra nodded. "that means it's bright."

"Damn right it's bright," muttered Nnoitra, who was just recovering from the spicy food.

xxxxxxx

Aizen stared grimly at the dusty floor. Starrk and Szayel had been doing a miserable job of cleaning, and Haribel had burned holes in almost all of his clothes with the iron. It was time for…A SUPER FANTABULOUS SPECIAL ESPADA MEETING!

Aizen rang his magical bell and…

"Aw shit," muttered Grimmjow as the summons for a meeting rang out in his room. He got up, flung aside his magazine, and flicked off his radio. Then he trudged down to the meeting hall.

The meeting bell rang clearly in Szayel's lab, making him jump and accidentally pour too much of one liquid into another. "FUCKER!" He yelled as the concoction exploded. Still growling obscenities under his breath, the pink haired scientist stalked up to the hall.

Haribel and Nnoitra were just finishing a new load of laundry when the bell rang. They made their way up.

The other Espada slowly began assembling. Aizen stood, with Gin and Tousen on either side of him, and clapped his hands. "Silence, now, my children!"

"WE'RE NOT YOUR CHILDREN, AIZEN-SAMA," the Espada chorused, glumly. Aizen ignored them. He instead began to speak. "Now, I'm rather displeased with your work, in taking over Ulquiorra's jobs." He glared at Haribel and pointedly fingered a patch in his robe. Haribel winced. "Nnoitra's fault," she mumbled. Nnoitra looked outraged.

"Well, I've decided that I'm going to mix up the chores a bit."

An interested silence. Suddenly Szayel asked, "Hey, where's Zommari and Yammy?" Everyone looked around. It was true; they weren't there. Astounding how they could have missed them; Zommari and Yammy were hardly small Espadas. Aizen smiled bitterly. "Scrubbing the last of that…graffiti off Las Noches." A small glare at Ulquiorra, who reciprocated it wonderfully with a small smile of achievement, like a scholarship student when his name is mentioned by a fawning teacher.

Then Aizen continued. "And I've decided that Ulquiorra will resume some of his work."

A small sigh of anticipation; this meant that a few lucky people would be free of their duties!

Aizen consulted a list. "I've decided to have Ulquiorra resume the washing," he glared at Nnoitra and Haribel again, both of whom shrunk into their chairs guiltily, but still relieved.

"And the cooking."

An audible cheer; Grimmjow glared. "Hey!"

Aizen smiled. "I'm sad that I could not try your masterpiece last night, Grimmjow. I heard…a lot about it."Grimmjow gulped and thanked his lucky stars (he has three) that Aizen had missed that disaster.

The now-green haired Ulquiorra sighed, but he accepted this. Ah well. It had been good while it lasted.

xxxxxxx

Ulquiorra entered his room, looking at the floor. He turned, closed the door, then spun around and was about to fall onto his bed when- "ARGG!" He jumped backwards. Someone was sitting on his bed.

"YOU CREEPER, GRIMMJOW! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"

"I'M NOT A CREEPER YOU EMO WATERMELON! I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING!"

Ulquiorra rolled his green eyes and sat down in his desk chair. "Alright. You're not a creeper. What do you want?"

Grimmjow looked slightly mollified. "Thank you. Maybe I should have waited outside." He settled himself down on the bed. "Well, I was thinking. Aizen's moved some things around, and you have work to do again."

Ulquiorra nodded, sadly.

"So you'll have to do cooking again."

Ulquiorra wondered where this was going. Grimmjow seemed a little flustered. Weird. Maybe he was high…Szayel had been dropping hints that Grimmjow was on drugs…no one had quite wanted to know how he had formulated this theory…Szayel was a rather unsettling person.

"Well, I was wondering if…well, if you had any free time…if you could, um, show me how to cook some…err, stuff. Sometime." Grimmjow was a strange shade of red by this point. The pale Espada looked at him curiously. "You want to learn how to cook?"

"If you have the time. If you don't, never min-"

"No, I have the time," Ulquiorra said, absently. "It's just weird that you want to learn how to cook."

"It's kinda…fun…I guess." Grimmjow also thought guiltily of the multiple injuries the kitchen had sustained over the past few days. He was going to have to fix it up before Ulquiorra could find it and Cero him. The blue haired Espada sneezed. "Damn, it's dusty in here…why is it dusty, Ulquiorra? You always used to keep Las Noches so spotless! Why is it dusty in your room?"

Ulquiorra shrugged a little sadly. "It was the one thing I let myself neglect," he explained. "It was like the one thing I didn't have to do."

Grimmjow felt a little bad for him. In a pathetic, oh-look-I'm-so-sad-watch-me-wangst way. "Why the hell did you dye your hair?" he gazed at the green. Ulquiorra grinned. "I felt it stood out."

"You don't need to stand out! Aizen's already mad at you for the spray paint thing! I thought he would Cero you for sure when you dyed your hair! You're fucking insane!"

Ulquiorra raised his eyebrows. "But I'm still alive, ne?"

"In a sense, I suppose."

"I felt like I was becoming a picture." Ulquiorra said, quietly. Grimmjow started. "Like there was this person…but I didn't really know who they were…like I was gonna scream any minute…and not be heard. At all."

"o…k…that's a little deep for me…" Grimmjow was lost somewhere waaaaaay back. This was freaking him out.

Ulquiorra jumped. "Ahhh…sorry. Sit in dark corner and cry stuff, you know?"

"So you just admitted to being emo."

"Maybe, a little. A little."

Suddenly the door smashed open, and Starrk, Gin, Szayel, and Haribel crashed in. They stopped, obviously weirded out by the two in Ulquiorra's room.

"Ooo…Grimmjow and Ulquiorra sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G" sang Gin cheerfully.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT!" howled the Sexta Espada. Ulquiorra sighed and shook his head as Grimmjow proceeded to attack Gin. "AH! I'M YOUR SUPERIOR! HELP!"

Starrk walked lazily over and flung Grimmjow off the ex-shinigami. Then he looked at Ulquiorra. "Hi."

"Um, what do you all want?" asked the pale Espada.

"OH! RIGHT!" Gin suddenly remembered their mission. "Nnoitra's drowning in the laundry room! Can you help him please!?"

Ulquiorra groaned. The first day back at work and already people were proving themselves incapable of doing anything themselves? "That piece of trash!" he muttered, and stalked out of the room.

The other looked after him. Then Gin turned back to Grimmjow. "So…if you guys weren't gonna ~get it on~, what were you doing?"

"It's none of your fucking business," growled Grimmjow. The whole cooking thing was going to stay secret.

Hey, he had a rep to keep up.

~~THE END~~

Aaaaaand that's it! Hope you guys enjoyed! GIANT HUGS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS! GIANT HUGS FOR ALL! Seriously though, you guys are amazing. I never expected this stupid little story to get such a response! You're way to good to me.

And due to that response I have been MOTIVATED and there is yet another Bleach crackfic being written AS WE SPEAK/AS I TYPE and I'll upload that one soon...this has been KSFWolfe, signing off!

note: Hey guys! Enough people liked the idea and so the cooking oneshots are being moved over to their own story! - fanfiction s/ 5359762/1/Cooking-Lessons