Author's Notes: I'm back! Not that anyone missed me. Let me say right now that this story will be mutli-chaptered, so please nobody ask me in reviews if there will be more, or "moar" as you kids like to say. This fic features straight and gay pairings.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.

"Where the hell are my pants?"

A naked Eric Cartman would normally be considered a disgusting visual image to those who knew him, but not to Wendy Testaburger. Though Cartman had gotten fatter and meaner with age, he'd also become even more charming. Wendy saw beauty in Cartman. A beauty that by her own admission was buried far, far, far down inside the fat teen's black heart, but by God, it was there somewhere. Despite Cartman's numerous faults as a human being, Wendy liked him. She was happy to say that Cartman liked her too, also despite her flaws.

Although Cartman himself wasn't disgusting to Wendy, his bedroom could definitely use some work. Clothes, pizza boxes and beer cans littered the floor. A garbage can in the corner overflowed with trash. The only reason Wendy had even dared to set foot into the bedroom was because Cartman had sprayed a large abundance of air fresheners.

"Your room's filthy. You shouldn't be able to misplace your pants just by taking them off." Wendy said.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Must you criticize how I live right after sex? Just help me find my pants goddammit."

"Love you too" Wendy said sarcastically.

A pair of extra large brown khaki pants hit Cartman in the face a second later, followed by a series of other clothing articles he hadn't even requested to locate.

"That's fine. You want to clean my room for me, be my guest."

Cartman dropped the clothes he didn't need back onto the floor, placed his pants back on and laid down on his bed. He rested his hands behind his head and sighed contently. For the second time today Cartman was letting a girl do all the work.

"I'm not your housewife. I'm cleaning because I need to find clothes too."

"But you look so hot naked," Cartman said, whining slightly.

"You already got me into bed. You can stop kissing my ass now," Wendy said.

"Bitch."

"Asshole."

Wendy successfully located her clothes and reapplied them. She reached underneath the mattress for the final piece of the puzzle: her shoes. Once again she pulled back a few extra items that her boyfriend haphazardly shoved under his bed in order to claim that his living quarters was clean. This time, Wendy regretted her desire for better organization. One of the miscellaneous items Wendy retrieved caused her to let out a surprised gasp. Wendy's body tensed as the realization settled in. Her stomach knotted up and her heart pumped increasingly boiling blood. Slowly but surely, Wendy felt herself becoming filled with simultaneous emotions.

And unfortunately for Cartman, all of them were negative.

"Eric? What is this?"

Cartman's faced paled in horror when he saw the item his girlfriend was holding. His hand found the back of his neck. He rubbed it nervously as he looked around his room, failing to even make eye contact with the girl he'd just been inside of.

"Um...It appears to be a movie."

Wendy huffed. "What kind of movie, smart ass?"

"A DVD."

Wendy's free hand gripped one of the bed's large pillows. She forcibly placed it over Cartman's face, beginning the suffocation process. She straddled Cartman's waist to prevent him from moving. His muscles, which were buried underneath his chubby frame, did nothing to help him potentially overpower her.

"What kind of DVD?" Wendy asked. She released the pillow following the question, giving Cartman a chance to answer. For his sake, she hoped he'd answer honestly and stop screwing around. Cartman gasped for air.

"Jesus Christ! It's a porno okay?"

Cartman shuddered following the confession. This would surely mean his nuts, but still panting for breath, he realized he was damned either way. Wendy was obviously in no mood for his usual games. Wendy pressed the DVD cover art against Cartman's face as if he were a misbehaving dog having his nose rubbed into his own filth.

"You watch this stuff?"

"I used to. Before we were dating." Cartman held up his hands outwardly, searching for peace. "C-come on. What single guy doesn't look at porn, right?"

Wendy's temper stilled but didn't vanish completely. "Fine. Well you aren't single anymore, so I guess you won't care if I throw this away."

Cartman's eyebrows arched. "Throw it away? Hell yes I'd mind that. That's my favorite porno."

"What?"

"Oops." Cartman said under his breath.

"You just said you didn't watch it anymore!"

Cartman crossed his arms over his chest. "No, I said I used to watch it before we were dating. I never said I stopped after that."

"You implied it."

"Yes I did. You know why? Because I was trying to avoid a fight! But if you're so eager to be a bitch and ruin our nice afternoon together then go right ahead Wendy."

"Fine, I will!"

Wendy removed the DVD from its protective case. She stood up, put on her shoes, and stomped away from her boyfriend. Cartman's face developed an even more horrified expression on it, which he didn't think was possible at the moment. He called out after Wendy, but she wasn't listening.

"Wendy? What the hell are you doing? Put the disc down, ho!"

Cartman followed behind his girlfriend as she marched down the stairs into the living room. Wendy opened up the living room's window and hurled the DVD like a Frisbee into the outside world. It landed against the street's dirty pavement, which was also equally hot in the summer's noon day sun. If that wasn't enough to harm the disc, the car that sped over it a second later surely was. Cartman's jaw dropped open. His eyes bugged out in disbelief. He gasped for breath again, this time out of shock and not lack of oxygen. Wendy triumphantly placed her hands on her hips and smirked. Cartman looked wordlessly between the girl and his now useless pornography.

"AY! Wendy what the hell? That was my property you just destroyed."

"I don't care! Why do you still need porn when you have me?"

"It's just something to get me off when you aren't around or on your period. Which apparently is right now."

"Shut up you sexist bastard! Is that really what you like? Some bleach-blond with fake breasts who, judging by this cover, likes having sex with multiple guys? None of whom look like you by the way."

"So what, are you saying I'm ugly?"

"Are you saying I'm not as good-looking as some porn slut?"

Wendy's rampage continued. She hurled the DVD case at Cartman's head, but he managed to duck it.

"Stop breaking my stuff, bitch!"

"Make me!" Wendy said challengingly.

Cartman scoffed. "You know I can't hit a chick. I'll go to jail for spousal abuse or something."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Bullshit. You just know I'll kick your ass again like in fourth grade."

It was true. Cartman never did do well in battles against the opposite sex. Between Stan Marsh's sister Shelly in third grade and Wendy in fourth, Cartman was 0-2 against girls. His fight statistics against boys were even less impressive.

"You mean to tell me you've never watched porn?" Cartman said.

"For your information, I find it disgusting. The women in those films are degraded for the enjoyment of perverts like you."

"Mm, yeah that's hot," Cartman said with as much insincere sincerity in his voice as he could manage. He didn't actually mean his words. He could give two shits about women's rights, but he knew he could get under his feminist girlfriend's skin through such comments even if they were sarcastic in nature.

Wendy glared. "I know what you're trying to do."

Cartman closed his eyes, supposedly imagining his words as he spoke them. "All those oppressed women getting paid small amounts of money to be spooged and peed on by dominant men. All those girls forced to use their bodies and get diseases because they never got a real education. Mmm, nice. Now I wanna jack off to them even more."

Despite her best efforts not to give her boyfriend the satisfaction, Wendy flared up. Just as Cartman had predicted. Unpredictably, she kneed Cartman right in his groin. Cartman fell to the floor while Wendy turned on her heels and stomped out the front door.

"Let's see you try to jack it now."

When Cartman looked up from the ground, all he could see was Wendy slamming the door through his watery eyes. It really -had- meant his nuts.

And it wasn't even over yet.

To Be Continued