So, I own none of the below characters. And, I'm fully prepared to die for my flaming of Twilight, Harry Potter, Star Trek, and High School Musical. For the record, I absolutely adore Tim Gunn and Spock. 3 3 Bones is cool, too, but the rest all annoy me. So without furthur ado, read and flame on!

Self-Help Session Tape 1

"Good evening, everyone. I see we have some new faces here with us tonight. While we're sorry that you have a problem that brings you here, we're oh so glad that you've recognized that you need help! I'll start us off tonight. My name is Tim Gunn, and I'm here to help you through your problems! Now, who's next?"

The men in the room just looked at each other, disgust in their eyes. Each one had been sent to this group by people they knew, apparently to "work through their personal problems in a safe and loving environment".

"Right then…I...Well, my name is Ryan Evans. I love the theatre and all that jazz, and I, uh…well, my sister said I needed to come here because...becauseIwon'tadmitI'mgay." The blonde boy finished that last part a bit fast. Snickering was heard from among the other men.

"There is nothing wrong with being gay, Ryan dear!" Tim told him gently.

"Sure there isn't. Not for a fruitcake like him!" one of the men in the circle commented.

"Well hello there! Since you seem to want to comment on things, you can introduce yourself next!" Tim replied. The man stared at him. Finally, he stood up, dramatically shaking the hair from his eyes.

"My name's Troy Bolton. I play basketball, I've got a hot girlfriend, and there is NO reason for me to be here," he announced.

"The 'fruitcake', as you so blithely put it, over here begs to differ," Ryan interjected. "See, Troy and I go to school together. And, if I can admit that I'm gay, so can he! C'mon, Troy!" The two stared at each other for several moments.

"Riiiiiight. So, this place is crazy. I think I'm going to leave now," Troy said, breaking the silence.

"Not so fast, lover boy! You Know Who is out there right now! He's around every corner," a ruddy looking man yelled. He had strange eyes, one of them a strange shade of blue that didn't focus on a thing.

"Who?" Ryan and Troy asked simultaneously.

"You Know Who!" the man screeched. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

"What he means to say is that Voldemort or one of his followers is supposedly lurking out there somewhere. Don't mind him. His name's Moody…and we're pretty sure that he's a paranoid schizophrenic." The speaker spoke with a British accent, wore strange robes, and had an even stranger scar on his forehead.

"DO NOT SPEAK THAT NAME, BOY!" the man called Moody screeched.

"Oh bugger off, old man!" he retorted. Moody's non-blue eye seemed to glare daggers at the boy.

"Well since you gave me SUCH a spectacular introduction, I'll give you the same! Silencio! That's Harry Potter there. He still has the ghosts of his past haunting his frail little heart. See, he saw his parents killed before his very eyes and has an ego the size of a Hungarian Horntail!" Moody told the group. Harry sat in his chair scrabbling through his robes, producing a thin piece of wood. He then proceeded to pointing at himself with said piece of wood, producing no apparent results.

"Well now that you divas are finished, it's my turn!" A sketchy looking teenager proceeded to standing up. "My name is Edward Cullen, and I'm a TOTAL creeper! First of all, I'm a vamp. And a sexy one at that. And I've got this girlfriend. She's pretty hot, too. But, I like, want to slash her throat and drink aaaaalllll of her blood. Holy shit..." He trailed off. "JASPER, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU FOR THAT!"

"Too late, honey buns! I'm already dead!" Jasper replied. "Hi, I'm Jasper Hale. I'm also a vampire. This is my creeper of a brother who's currently dating a mortal. How positively horrid! Anywho, I can manipulate emotion...because I'm fly like that. And I just love to screw around with Eddie boy! And, by the way, I'm gay and single...so come and get me!"

Everyone stared at the two people who claimed that they were vampires.

"Excuse me, but I thought all of the vampires had been banished to Albania under the Statute of Secrecy," Harry commented, perplexed.

"They WERE, Harry!" Moody grumbled.

"Well this has gone really well," Tim Gunn cheerily announced. He then pointed to three men sitting in the corner. "You with the pointy ears, tell us about your problems," he commanded.

"My name is Spock and I am of the planet Vulcan. Logically, I would think that I was here because people think that I have a problem expressing emotion. However, I find that a purely logical approach to the human mind is sufficient, and that emotions are merely extraneous things that I need not deal with." The Vulcan raised his eyebrows expectantly, waiting for a reply. The vampire Jasper just stared at him.

"Duuude, your mind is SERIOUSLY fucked up...I've seen ROCKS with more emotion than you," Jasper told him. Spock just tilted his head, looking thoughtful.

"Spock is an unemotional freak," the man who sat next to him said. "My name is Dr. Leonard McCoy of the Starship Enterprise. I spend months at a time locked in a space ship with the same people, including this green blooded hobgoblin here. If that's not a personal problem, then I don't know what is..." The other men in the room nodded.

"Now Bones, show some respect for your fellow shipmate!" Dr. Leonard McCoy, AKA Bones, glared at the man. "My name is Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, and I-"

"Don't take no for an answer, am certifiably insane, get myself and my crewmen stuck in horrible situations, etc.," finished Bones. Spock raised his eyebrows at this, while Moody choked on whatever it was he was drinking out of a flask.

"Sounds like you, Harry!" he quipped. Troy and Ryan looked decidedly more and more uncomfortable as the session grew in length.

"It would appear that Mr. Evans and Mr. Bolton are both decidedly lost in this conversation. Logically so, as their time line hasn't yet achieved the concept of warp power, time travel-" Spock was cut off by Harry.

"Or magic!"

"Or creepy vampires like me and Eddie!" Jasper added.

"I really wish that you wouldn't call me that," Edward sighed.

"Gentlemen, let's get back to topic here," Tim scolded. "We all have unique problems and need love and consideration to sort them out! And, you've let one person fall under the wagon!" He motioned towards one last man sitting farther off to the side. "Tell us your name and how you came to be here, won't you?" Tim invited. The man stared at them all.

"I came here tonight thinking I could get help with my fanfiction addiction. But you guys are all fucking CRAZY. And I thought I had problems! You all are delusional enough to think that you are fictional characters! What is WRONG with you?!" the man asked, tripping over his feet in an attempt to get to the door. "Magic isn't real, and neither are vampires. And we sure as HELL can't time travel or do warp...THINGS. You all need some SERIOUS meds!" He stood with his back to the circle of men, furiously toying with the doorknob. "You're all CRAZY. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRAZY!" He scuttled out of the room as fast as he could, leaving the circle still staring.

"Live long and prosper," Spock told the retreating back.

"Not real?" Moody scoffed. "How positively daft of him!"

"Well that sounds like a personal problem!" Bones yelled after the fleeing figure.

Thank you Caprice for betaing for me. :]