Posted 7/31/09

A/N: I love this piece greatly, and it means a lot to me. I spent many moments on it; some were happy, while others were not. It was an on and off project; I would work on it one day, put it away, and come back to it a few weeks later. It's been a total of six months since I started writing this. Since it's so dear to me, instead of posting it right after I finished writing it a few weeks ago, I decided to post it on a day that holds a lot of meaning for me; July 31.

It includes some of the things I've learned over time, but you won't notice them unless you pay close attention. Every little detail – every action – means something, everything coming together to form several quotes I think of to keep myself going in the hard times of my life.

And since this was written in an attempt to motivate and reassure, I'm dedicating it to everyone here on Fanfiction, whether I've talked to you before or not. I wish that with this, I can somehow bring a sense of renewed hope to at least some – if not all – of the people who read this story. And to those who I have talked to, thank you. Thank you so much for supporting me nonstop, because you were the ones who really got me through some of the hardest times of my life.

Revived

The rain harshly pelted my face, soaking into my clothes while the wind tore through my hair. The cold seeped through to my bones.. but I brushed it off.

I stood, staring blankly out into the horizon. My eyes were empty, devoid of emotion. They stung from exhaustion, and my limbs felt numb. My entire being felt numb.

Thunder roared in the distance, a bolt of lighting piercing the sky.

A stream of water dripped down my chin, my hair stuck to my forehead, and my clothes were plastered to my skin.. but I brushed it off.

A step forward, further away from the large tree behind me and closer to the slope of the hill I was standing on.

Squish.

I looked down, seeing the mud beneath my feet. Another step forward.

Squish.

A part of me wanted to laugh. Another part of me wanted to sob. But I was too tired to do either.

I was too exhausted, both mentally and physically, to deal with the things I usually dealt with. I didn't have the patience anymore. I didn't have the energy anymore. All that I had left went to holding myself up, standing strong and proud.. At least on the outside.

On the inside, everything was a mess. A complete mess.

My thoughts went miles a second, muddled into incoherent streams. My actions were uncoordinated, unsure of each movement. My words came out unconsciously, my mind never aware of what was going on around me.

It was too much. Too many things going on at once, too little time to deal with it, and no desire to share the burden with another.

Carrying the weight on my own shoulders was all I do could to lessen the concern of those around me. They had already given so much, without asking for anything in return. I couldn't bear to throw them any more to worry about.

It succeeded for a while; that is, until the breaking point came. The point when I couldn't stand NOT having her know anymore. When I told her how I felt about her.

Afterwards, I felt dead. It was as if a part of me was taken away. The most important thing to me, aside from my loved ones, just disappeared.

My freedom.

It vanished the moment I broke the promise to myself. I swore to myself I'd never tell her, only because I had no desire to set the awareness to her. I didn't want to have her be held down by the fact that I held feelings for her.

No, all I wanted was her happiness. All I wanted was to be able to watch from afar; smile when she smiled, hurt when she hurt. Everything seemed so simple back then, and yet it's so much more complicated now.

Things appeared to be the same, but on the inside, I felt all of it had changed in some vague way. There were no more carefree moments. No more silly conversations. No more smiles, and laughs.. No more of all that I had come to love.

Everything went by even more slowly afterwards. As if a day were a week, I lived on in fear and dread. Fear of rejection. Dread of what was to come next.

Yet, at the same time, it was as if everything went by in a blur. I didn't understand anything at all, and it took me a long time to believe exactly what was happening.. was really happening. Starting from then, I had no idea what to think, feel, or do anymore.

I became lost.

A soft humming in my chest was always present. It was a steady drill of pain, imprinting itself into my heart and soul. It never left, though there would be different levels of harshness.

When I was in a rather good mood, it would lower down to something that was barely noticeable. But at times like these, when I was falling apart even more, the feeling would become nothing but unbearable.

I sighed deeply, reviewing all the information in my mind. And just because I felt like it, I took a step forward.

Squish.

Another.

Squish.

I stared out into the darkening sky, rain coming down harder than ever, pounding on my weakened body. Everything was a dreary color, yet so alive at the same time. The sun was casting purple and orange hues of light around me. It was almost as if it wasn't raining. In fact, it was nearly.. relaxing.

My eyes drooped at the thought of relaxation, and I couldn't help but to close my eyes for a brief moment. Taking in the warm air around me, I released the tension in my muscles. Tilting my head up towards the sky, I let the rain splatter onto my face. It stung, but I didn't care. I was far from caring now.

Suddenly, the pain on my face disappeared. The rain stopped falling. I felt a source of warmth press up against my back, something snaking around my neck. A soft wave of a watermelon scent hit me.

My body stiffened. I opened my eyes.

A shade of light blue filled my view, but it definitely wasn't the sky. No, it was an umbrella.. And a familiar, yet not so familiar, arm wrapped around my neck.

I recognized it all too immediately.

My heart rate sped up, and I started shivering. It wasn't cold; it was just the thought of having her so close. Too close for my liking...

"I'm sorry," I thought I heard her whisper quietly, the wind carrying her voice away.

For what?

I stayed silent, not daring to speak in fear of saying the wrong thing. She pulled away, and I immediately missed the contact.

But she caught me off guard.

Again.

She turned me around, umbrella still in one hand. Using the other, she pulled me close. Both arms wrapped around my haggard figure, umbrella still managing to provide us both ample cover. My eyes widened at the action, and my body froze.

I didn't know what to do. I was afraid I might lose her if I pulled her closer, though my arms wouldn't obey even if I desperately wanted to. So I just stood there, like an idiot, gaping at what was happening.. unable to believe it all.

She seemed to sense my anxiety, so she tightened her grip on me, as if she was reassuring me that this was indeed happening.

It worked.

My muscles somewhat relaxed, though I didn't dare return the embrace. I was still afraid, not to mention, wet. Placing my arms around her would only make her even more soaked than she was now. I couldn't get her sick.

So I peeled her arms off of me, avoiding eye contact at all costs. In the corner of my eye, I thought I saw her frown.. but I brushed it off, thinking it was just my imagination.

She reached up with her free hand, resting it on my cheek, then forcing me to turn to her. My eyes met hers for the briefest second, though it was more than enough to draw me in. I knew I was trapped; trapped in her gaze.

My breath hitched; I couldn't breathe. My heart pounded in my chest, my legs feeling unstable.

Why are you doing this to me?

She leaned forward, resting her forehead against my own.

Stop torturing me..

I heard her let out a soft breath, as if she was holding it before. It nearly sounded like a sigh of contentment.. but I brushed it off once again, believing my ears were fooling me.

As if sensing my distress, she took a small step towards me, coming closer in the process.

My heart skipped a beat.

I can't take it much longer.

She leaned closer to me again, our noses almost touching. She stared deeply into my eyes, and I couldn't help but to wonder what she saw in them. Was it fear, pain, or something else altogether?

Her own pair reflected care, concern.. love.. and I couldn't brush it off any longer.

One whisper from her to me was all I received, but all I ever needed.

"I love you."

She closed the distance between us, our lips meeting in a gentle kiss. Her hand traveled down from my cheek to wrap around my neck.

My eyes widened in disbelief, as all of it was too much to take in at once.. Everything seemed so distant; so unrealistic.. but I closed my eyes in contentment nonetheless, smiling for the first time in days.

You don't know how long I've been waiting for this moment..

Questions plagued my mind, but I once again brushed it off, because none of it mattered. I was content; she loves me, and that was all that did matter.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, gently bringing her closer. All thoughts of my soaked clothes were lost as I drowned deeper into my somewhat delirious state. The entire world – the rain, the mud, the sky – faded, and all that was left was us.

My heart skipped a million beats.

My smile widened.

Our lips moved slowly against each others', showing only care and tenderness. No trace of lust was found, as it was purely innocent. I felt like I was floating – flying away into the skies.

My entire body melted as I thought of her, me...

Together.

It was all I could ever dream of, and so much more. It was what I longed for, with all my heart. And finally, finally..

I felt complete. I felt.. alive again.

We parted, and I immediately missed the contact. So I leaned forward again, this time resting my forehead against her own. I opened my eyes, yearning to see the face of the person I adored.

Her eyes were still closed, and I felt her breath tickling my chin. A soft smile graced my lips as our eyes met, tears of happiness threatening to fall from the corners of my eyes.

She moved back, with just enough room to reach up and wipe the tears away. Her hand lingered on my cheek, my own reaching up to caress it. I rubbed my thumb against the back of her hand affectionately, causing a smile to appear on her features as well.

I felt overwhelmed with emotions; disbelief, happiness, relief, and love coursed through my veins.

And this time, I leaned forward, bringing our lips together once again. I moved my hand down to my side, bringing hers with mine. I laced my fingers through hers, finding that they fit together perfectly. My heart soared at the thought, entire body feeling light in glee.

A smile formed once again, my heart skipping another million beats when I felt the pair pressed against mine do the same. She was happy. I was happy. We were happy. Together.

The kiss was short; passionate, but unhurried and sweet.. just like the first.

She gently pulled back; I reluctantly let her. Her eyes stared deeply into mine, love pouring out of them. Her smile lifted my spirits, making me feel invincible, as if I could do anything.. if it were for her.

A soft sigh escaped my lips and I closed my eyes, burying my face into her neck. I let my smile slowly drop.

A soft nudge to my ribcage caused me to open my eyes and look up. Our eyes met, and I was shown the intensity of her emotions; love, but also concern and panic. She looked at me with a questioning gaze, and I squeezed her hand tighter to reassure her that I was fine.

I rested my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes for the millionth time that day. I wrapped my free hand around her waist, holding her with care. She, in turn, enveloped me by the shoulders, still managing to hold up the umbrella to shield us from the harsh raindrops.

We stayed like that, for what seemed like forever. But forever wasn't enough. The rest of the world seemed to fall back in place, but in a way that I could have never imagined. It felt like everything was going to be alright, and somehow, I knew it would be.

A poke to my arm this time; I looked up once again, finally lifting my head off of her shoulder. She smiled at me; an affectionate smile, as always..

She switched her gaze to look past me, letting her eyes wander over the view. I turned and stared towards the city as well, my arms still placed around her. And as if reading each other's mind, we slowly let go of each other, deciding it was time to head back.

She took a step forward.

Squish.

She blinked in surprise and looked down, seeing the mud beneath her feet. I laughed at the scene before my eyes, remembering I myself had done the same before. She soon joined me, the melodic tune filling my ears.

I stepped closer to her and slung my arm around her shoulders protectively, gently nudging her in the direction of the city below us. She brought her own arm up to hold my waist tightly, and I couldn't help but to smile even wider than before.

I leaned over to give her a quick peck on the cheek, pulling back instantly in a tease. I faced forward and grinned, softly pulling her with me as I walked. In the corner of my eye, I saw her stick her tongue out at me, and I let a rich laugh escape from my throat. She laughed softly beside me as we walked back into the chaos, more refreshed than ever before.

I never did stop glancing at her every so often, catching her doing the same once in a while. And I smiled at the thought of knowing.. she loves me.