Disclaimer: My Skin by Natalie Merchant

Kairi P.O.V.

Take a look at my body

Look at my hands

There's so much here

That I don't understand

Tears.

They aren't the greatest form of release God ever invented, somehow when you know they're coming you find it some much harder to stop them then preventing them to begin with.

How could I have been so stupid?

I knew it was going to happen, and so many times people had warned me that one day I would get my heart broken I just never wanted to believe them. I never wanted to think, "Hey this could happen to me, perhaps I should be more careful." Never once did I even care to stop myself.

Have you ever seen something falling and you try so hard to catch it because, as time slows and your hand reaches to grab it, you realize that you aren't going to make it?

That's how I felt.

I felt like I had been falling and everyone else had seen it, but no matter who tried to reach to catch me I fell straight on my back but the only thing that had been broken was my heart…

I was laying on my bed listening to the little sniffles, the choked breaths, and sound of a cracking heart from myself. The darkness of my room threatened swallow me whole and somehow I couldn't bring myself to care.

I was all alone.

There was no one to cry on, no one to scream and yell at for letting me hurt myself, no one…except me.

I sighed and sat up, swiping a hand across both of my cheeks in a vain attempt to catch the cascading tears that covered them. I frowned as I listened to absolute silence of my room, and when I opened my bedroom door I realized it was the absence of everyone.

Great, I was depressed and lonely in a big house by myself.

I finally decided that I was sick of crying and went to my parents bedroom, turning on the computer and getting on my favorite website: gaia.

I always had fun dressing up my avatar and talking to people that might make me feel better so I decided it would be a good idea to get on.

Unfortunately, no one was on.

Well…except Sora. But he and I weren't really good friends, we hardly knew each other. But I was sad and I just needed someone, anyone to reach out to.

And for some unexplainable reason, I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted him to be my outside source, my steady rock as I fell down the hole.

"Hey are you on this err....fine....day? ^^ " I typed to him, hoping against all hope that he would respond.

"hello i'm good how about you? oh and if you want to reply send a friend request to my other account cause i'm making an awesome girl " He responded and I was a bit confused. Girl? I swear I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

I sent him the friend request and waited, then typed a response on his other account.

Lovinglyhated324: "Cool....I'm doing...well. Did you see my breakdown yesterday? Yikes. I'm good today. Why 'd you make a womanly account? "

Angel Rein: "just because i don't know really i just always make a guy and girl when i do anything so i decided "why should this be any different?" o and right now she just has a bunch of random junk on so laugh if you want its not any where close to what she'll look like when I'm done and no i didn't see your break down yesterday. are you ok? do i need to get some of my friends from the mexican mafia you know because i have some connections from when i was gangsta in 6th grade lol"

When I read his response I immediately laughed at the image of Sora as a "gangsta" just because I knew how sweet he truly was.

Lovinglyhated324: "Lol. Nah, Hayner just broke my heart in a billion pieces. I'll live though. ^^It's cool that you make a boy and girl for everything.I made a boy account too...one that you're friends with but I'll never reveal who it is. *pretends to zip up lips*Thanks for being concerned for me."

I wanted to say so much more in my response but I held back. I felt like I was already on edge waiting for his reply, somehow I felt a connection with this boy. This boy I barely knew but felt compelled to know everything about.

Angel Rein: "you know not to be nosey, because i'm sure you get enough of that (not pointing any fingers) but i mean i personally have nothing against Hayner, but why do you let him get under you skin if all he's guna do is break you time and time again? i mean i can understand love but... well ya me personally i don't know if i have enough to give anyone because i've been destroyed only reason i don't sit and a corner and just don't care is because of all you guys"

I sat there for a minute thinking about what he had said. I knew he was right, of course, but I never should've let him break me time and time again. It wasn't fair to me but I let him do it anyway. Why? Was it truly for love or was I just so addicted to him I couldn't let go? But looking at what Sora had said, I knew he got it. He understood what I was feeling and somehow that made me even more eager to talk to him.

Lovinglyhated324: "I know. I love him so much that everytime he'd break me I'd come back again holding forgiveness in my outstretched heart.I know you've been hurt....I know how you feel. He's totally destroyed my heart and all he cares about is...someone else.I can't....deal with him anymore. It hurts too much. Everyone's watched him break me time and time again, I know you guys are the only reason I'm able to face everything."

Your face saving promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

I don't need them

Angel Rein: "ya i see i went back to someone like that too but i ended up getting hurt again so as far as i can see if i just protect them as much as they will let me I will because even though they've destroyed me no matter what i'll always love them and if they ever need help i would protect them with my life but if they wanted me back i'd have to say in a polite way no, that's all i can do"

I stared at his response as tears welled up in my eyes. He was so much stronger than me…he could lo justve them from afar but I was too weak to hold back from what my heart desired.

Lovinglyhated324: "Yeah....it's just so hard to let go, you know what I mean? Now that I think about it....I never meant anything to him. I would die for him but he wouldn't do the same for me. I love him so much it hurt, but he never felt that way for me. I was just someone there to ease his pain....But I think it's great that you still think of her that way. You really loved her. Love stinks."

It was the only thing I knew what to say, and as I wrote it, I knew exactly how true it was. I was only a replacement for Olette, I was nothing to him.

Angel Rein: "ok well here's something i wrote after the whole ordeal 1 sec"

I sat there waiting, I knew he liked to write things just like me. I just wanted to know what was going through his head, what exactly was he thinking?

Lovinglyhated324: "Okay. ^^ "

Angel Rein: "In this life am I meant to only have a love for my self when this love only goes out and never is given back(and this one is my only hope for one day that i could maybe live utterly and completely happy)Some one give me a heart mine was ripped out, and maybe… if I'm lucky… you'd like to share your heart with me."

I stared at it for a second and almost felt like he was speaking to me, and for a split second I wished that he was. But then it was gone. What was with me? Why did I feel so connected to this guy?

Lovinglyhated324: "That was very sweet. I really wish we hadn't been so broken....I know one day I'll be able to look at him and smile as I remember the good times, but right now I can only wrench back tears and fight for the right to my heart that will forever belong to him.... "

Angel Rein: "yes i hope that one day i could do the same i can look and say hi to my first but when i do, i know i don't really seem like one to, but all i wanna do is cry and then if i were to say hi to... her... i'd just get an annoyed glance and then back to the imagination that i never existed i have to wonder i mean i was saving my first kiss for someone i thought mattered in my life most but as soon as she had it she was over with me"

I glared at the response and suddenly felt angry with the stupid girl that had broken his heart. He'd committed what crime? Being too damn sweet?! He gave her his first kiss! I felt like socking her in the face, and smiled at the thought.

I've been treated so wrong

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

Lovinglyhated324: "I'm sorry. Stolen your love and your lips....I know how that feels. He wasn't my first kiss, but I'll always think of him as my first love. I loved him with all my heart but whenever I try to talk to him he can't even meet my eyes and walks away from me to join....her...I'm so sorry about what happened to you. That isn't fair.... "

I cringed as I typed the words and wondered what he was feeling as he read my responses to everything he said. What did he feel when he typed back to me? All these questions were bouncing around in my head but I had to focus. I wanted to know so much more, it was completely unsatisfying to be talking to him over messages. I wanted to see the emotions coursing through those soft eyes…

Then everyone was back.

I walked away from the computer, feeling better than before but a lot more unsatisfied and a longing that welled into my heart.

'Sora…'

I shook it off, I couldn't possibly like someone so soon after such a brutal blow to my heart. Besides, my heart was trying to use someone to heal itself and I wouldn't allow it to do that to Sora.

He was far too good for that.

I got ready for bed, and as I closed my eyes my thoughts turned back to him…Sora…

I awoke the next morning with tears running down my cheeks. "Good morning, Kairi." I mumbled sarcastically swatting away the stupid outlets of pain.

Today was going to be just dandy. Homecoming.

I hopped out of bed, ran around the house getting ready in a silly attempt to actually look presentable, and even straightened my hair. I was gonna look good today, at least I could make Hayner believe that I was perfectly fine even if I was dying on the inside.

My mom took pictures of me with my huge mum that my aunt had made for me. My aunt was a florist and she had been excited to make her little niece her first mum. Whoo…

When I looked at the photos, I made a face. I just looked annoyed and not pretty at all but at least I'd made an attempt.

I was wearing a black wide-neck sweater that ended at my elbows and had satin trimming at the top and my favorite pair of blue jeans. I wore my glasses today, yes I had glasses although they didn't have any rims so you could hardly tell anyway.

I got to school and handed my mom my mum, and laughed as I did so. "Here's my mum, mum." I teased with a British accent. I didn't feel like wearing the huge thing to school all day, and I could wear it later at the game.

I spent all day avoiding any possible eye contact with Hayner, but bumped into Pence on my way to my free period. "Hey Kairi, you going to the Homecoming Dance tomorrow?" He asked and I just sighed.

I'd picked out my dress a week before, a beautiful white dress with a satin bow that tied around back. It actually looked pretty on me, but even looking pretty didn't make me feel pretty at all. In fact, I felt pretty ugly most of the time now. Disgusted with myself too.

Contempt loves the silence

It thrives in the dark

With fine winding tendrils

That strangle the heart

Besides the dress, I had been obligated to go because Roxas had told me to go. Enough said. "Yes, I'm going." Then I got an idea. "Hey, Pence you should come too! We'll make into a big friend thing so no one gets lonely." I said happy with my logic. I didn't want to go by myself, and I knew Pence would come if I asked him to go.

'Sora…'

I beat that thought of my head. It wasn't like he would ask me from one silly conversation, besides I'm sure he could see how broken and unworthy I was.

Pence nodded his head eagerly and headed off into the direction of his free period and so did I, just more sullenly. I honestly didn't want to go but I'd made the obligation of going with Roxas before this whole thing with Hayner, and so I would go.

I walked in my class and sat down at my desk, pulling out a copy of "Eragon" that I would've read only I couldn't seem to concentrate on the words. They just floated around before my eyes, but I kept my eyes glued to the page. I couldn't look at him.

I knew he didn't look at me anymore, and I felt that I had to do the same even if it hurt. How could I not look at him and long for what once was? But I managed to keep my gaze steadily away, until the bell rang.

I looked up and caught his eye just as he came up behind Olette and gave her a little hug from behind. Man, they made me sick.

I gathered up my things and headed to my next class. This was turning out to be a long day. The only good thing came after school when I met up with Roxas and we got to go to my house to chill for a little while.

I contemplated not going to the Homecoming game but I decided that it wouldn't be too bad. After all, it wouldn't be too hard to avoid Hayner since he had to go out there and march. Besides, Roxas wanted to go even though he hated football games so I figured we should go. Also there was the fact that my parents would eat me alive if I didn't wear their stupid mum.

Well, this sucked.

So I changed into a bright "Go Team!" T-shirt, stuck my mum on and pulled back my hair. It was getting pretty long, reaching right above my breasts. A few stray hairs fell down to frame my face and I left them there, sweeping my bangs off to the side.

I looked okay, but the main thing was Roxas. I helped him with his hair, because he insisted on washing it. I was just happy Cloud didn't call while his head was under the faucet like last time. After he finished his hair, I helped him with a little "guy-liner" and gave him a few bracelets of mine to wear. He looked pretty gay, but very cute.

We hung around my house for awhile, then my dad dropped us off at the game and I silently prayed that I'd see Sora but no such luck. He wasn't there, so I settled on hanging out with Wakka while Roxas hung out with our other friends by the band. Where Hayner was.

Wakka had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend and he was still pretty upset about it, but it made it easier to talk to him since I knew I wouldn't be bringing him down by talking about my problems. He talked to me all about Rikku, who he'd consequently been with for quite a few months and they had broken up for the second time a couple of days ago because Rikku couldn't be faithful enough to Wakka which was understandable since I'd had the same problem.

We walked over by the concession stand, talked for awhile, then Hayner's best friends walked by. "I'm sorry about all that, uh, happened between you guys." The tall one said but I just shook my head and blinked away the freaking tears that threatened to fall again. I couldn't stand being by them for a minute longer, so I grabbed Wakka's hand and pulled him over by the fence.

"Let's just…stay over here." I said quietly and he just silently nodded his head. He understood.

They say that promises

Sweeten the blow

But I don't need them

No, I don't need them

My phone started vibrating and I opened the phone, taking in the sound of Pence's voice. "Kairi, I'm up in the stands! Get Roxas and you guys can come sit with me!" He said and I flipped my phone shut. "Come on, Wakka. Let's go find Roxas."

We finally found him with his former best friend, I hid my grimace. I wasn't a big fan of his former bestie but then again she wasn't a big fan of mine either. "Hey, Roxy come with us. Pence wanted us to come sit with him." See, Pence was in our schools ROTC so he didn't have much company up there by himself.

Roxas came with us, but as we started going up the stand filled with people I felt it. Claustrophobia set in, I started breathing really hard, and I was looking through heavy lidded eyes. I had to get out of there.

I turned and ran away from them.I had to breathe, and I felt my skin turn cold. I just…had to sit down.

I sat against the fence, eventually Wakka and Roxas would come and find me. And they did. Once they had reached me, they shared looks of concern and sat next to me. "I'm alright." I mumbled before they could even ask. We sat there for a while before Roxas' phone began to ring and he talked to someone on the other line while Wakka and I sat around talking about nothing in particular. Roxas got off the phone and told us that one of our friends was looking for him so he was gonna leave us for a little while. We didn't really mind since we didn't feel up to much anyway.

Then Pence found us, yelled at me for leaving him but in the nice scolding way, and then recruited us to go to the ROTC building with him. I don't like wandering out into the dark, especially at the hour it was but Pence wouldn't hear of it. He picked me up and threw me over his back, letting me down once I promised I would go with them. But I was still uneasy.

They raced each other to the building and I ran behind them, I wasn't in a running mood. I was in a "I don't want to be here" kind of mood. Those are never fun.

We messed around over there for a while, then headed back to meet up with Roxas and Pence gave me a piggy-back ride back. I was just glad they weren't gonna leave me behind while they ran again.

Roxas was pretty pissed when we got back to him because he thought we had just left him. Once Pence explained everything to him, we all sat down to chill out. Wakka left us after a while and so did everyone else. We were there for a long time before we decided to go and wait in the front of the school for my parents to come get us.

It was a long wait. Especially since I don't like the dark, it always feels like it's creeping up on you. Like every creature of the night was waiting in the shadows with outstretched claws.

I cringed closer to my friends.

I've been treated so wrong

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

The next day, was Namine's birthday party. I wasn't in a party mood, but I slipped on my pirate costume over my blue leggings because my mom would've murdered me if I hadn't. The good thing about it was the salad. My mom said that if we participated and got everything ready for my sister's birthday, she would give Roxas and I their yummy Olive Garden salads with the special dressing. It was delicious.

The party wasn't amazing but I managed to keep my hopes up by trying to think of good things that would happen tonight at the dance. But that was hard, and I was lonely.

I helped Roxas get ready once everyone had left, and even curled my hair. I had to admit I looked okay in my dress, make-up, and my hair was curled just right. But I couldn't have fun.

'Would Sora be there?'

I squashed the thought before it could progress. I was hoping against all hope he would be, but I was trying really hard not to hope at all. I hated getting let down.

Doesn't every girl?

I knew that this wouldn't be much a great Homecoming Dance anyway, because Selphie wouldn't be there. She was grounded and not having one of my best friends there was automatically going to make it suck.

Roxas looked very nice in his tux, and his hair had the perfect amount of "spikeness" to it. I, on the other hand felt terrible. I couldn't escape my mom's stupid camera and I knew I didn't look amazing but I attempted a smile for my mom's sake.

I played with Pence's dog-tag that lay around my neck, the one he'd given me the night before. He told me I could keep it for awhile as a reminder that he was always there for me, the thought made me smile. Someone actually cared.

The dance was just as fun as I thought it would be, a friendly slap in the face reminder of how lonely I was. I sat down next to Wakka, who insisted on sulking the whole time, and I sulked a bit myself. I knew this would suck, but I had come anyway.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'm a slow dying flower

Frost killing hour

The sweet turning sour

And untouchable

Just then a slow song came on, "I knew I loved you" by Savage Garden. Pence came up to me, sticking out his hand for me to take. "Dance with me, Kairi." He said softly, and I wrapped my fingers around his outstretched ones while I looked up into his telling eyes. He was just as easy to read as every other person I'd ever met.

I was very good at reading people, and the moment our bodies were close and we were dancing to the slow love song, I knew he wanted to kiss me.

It wasn't hard to see, but he wouldn't do it.

No, Pence wasn't the type to take advantage of a girl like me.

I don't know what I want, I never have.

But at that moment, I needed someone.

I looked up at Yuffie, she was making kissy faces at me and pointing at Pence. I shook my head, I couldn't do it. Not to Pence.

I mean, yes I had liked him for a long time and he would be good for me but it just didn't feel right. He was talking to me but my mind was everywhere else, my lips opened to respond to him but nothing came out.

It wasn't right to ignore him, but I had suddenly no idea what to do.

I wanted to pull away, all the sudden.

I wanted to run up to Hayner and sock him in the face.

This is what he'd done to me?

I closed my eyes and willed myself to stop thinking about him but it was hard.

I was stuck on a precipice of hope and giving up. Each side tugged on my weakening resolve, I didn't know what to do.

So I did the one thing that everyone else wanted to do.

O, I need

The darkness

The sweetness

The sadness

The weakness

I need this

I kissed him.

He pulled me close and the table full of our friends cheered. I wasn't sure whether I was happy, or if the smile was just a reflex but the emotion was clear in my face if not my eyes. The damned things betrayed me, especially when I went to the restroom and stared at myself.

Why was I doing this?

I closed them tight, and wished away everything.

I pulled the smile up again, because no matter what I wanted this was what I needed.

I walked out, and Pence took my hand in his as our eyes met. I saw how truly happy he was and felt guilty for not feeling the same way. If everyone else was so happy, why wasn't I? It didn't seem fair to be this way but I couldn't shake it.

I was too far.

I was just hidden inside myself, no one there to coax me out and no one cared. Not one person, but I couldn't even find the strength to blame them.

It was my fault for putting myself away, my fault for pretending, my fault for kissing him, and my fault for flirting with him like I was now.

"Pence, you're blushing." I commented, looking down at our intertwined hands, then back up at his pink face.

"Am not…I'm…" He searched for the right words but I filled them in for him.

"Casually reddening?" I suggested with a smirk.

"Yes, I'm casually reddening. Men don't blush." He said defiantly, and I faked a laugh.

Good 'ol Pence knew just what to say to make me feel even a tiny bit better for my careless actions.

After a while of dancing, flirting, and catching Pence whispering proudly to our friends about how lucky he was, the dance was over. And I was extremely relieved.

"Wow, my two best friend are dating now that's so weird." Roxas said with a silly grin on his face. I stared down at the glowstick that Demyx, you know, the stalker guy, had given me.

"Yeah, weird." I mumbled.

I waited around outside with Pence, Demyx, Roxas, Wakka, and Yuffie.

Everyone was chatting amongst themselves but I just stood there clutching Pence's hand in mine. I didn't feel comfortable and I just wanted to go home.

One by one, everyone began to leave and the last people to go was Roxas, Pence and I.

Of course.

I need

A lullaby

A kiss goodnight

Angel sweet

Love of my life

O, I need this

Finally, Pence's mom came to pick him up. He took me to the car to meet her, and I shook her hand shyly. I was terrified of making a bad first impression, but she seemed nice enough.

Pence gave me a kiss good night and I went to sit with Roxas while they pulled away.

I have to admit, it made me feel a little better once he was gone but I hated thinking that. I loved Pence but there was something missing in that kiss.

What was it?

I shrugged it off, and talked to Roxas for awhile until my dad finally came to get us.

Then he got us dinner, McDonald's cause he didn't feel like making anything, then we went home ate and went to bed. I just felt really tired.

My bed was too little to sleep with Roxas in it too, so we went to my brother's bed since he had moved out a while ago.

I fell asleep with a storm that had been raging for quite a while, but at least I got some sleep.

Do you remember the way

That you touched me before

All the trembling sweetness

I loved and adored?

I dreamed about Hayner that night. I could feel his lips against mine but something was missing. What was it again? Then he turned into Pence. I shied away from both of them and ran into the darkness, but I couldn't escape my hell.

The only thing that protected me from the things in the dark was the moon shining above me, casting its light over everything.

I woke up with a thankful smile on my face, at least I had one thing on my side. That day was mostly spent singing with Roxas while he played his guitar, and watching movies. A nice lazy day. My favorite part was watching the scary movies because they were so silly we couldn't stop laughing at them.

It was really fun.

The most fun I had in quite a while.

When school rolled around again, Pence was pretty much as happy as I'd last seen him but I wasn't. I didn't really feel like talking to him, but somehow I was comfortable. Maybe that's all I needed was to be comfortable with someone.

I know that that was horrible logic, but I couldn't help but feel that way.

I didn't feel like trying, I just wanted to be comfortable with someone. That weeek was a little easier because I got to tell Hayner that I was with someone else, even before he was with Olette. That felt nice, because I needed to move on.

The hardest part was Sora.

I still felt this connection with him, but I didn't want it. I didn't want to feel connected to him, I wanted to shake him off my mind but it was hard.

Especially with him constantly talking to him, and the more I talked to him the more I wanted to. And he was so…different. It was hard to read him, like his eyes were expressing something completely different from what he was feeling.

Not only that, but he was so easy to talk to. He was goofy and sweet, the perfect combination.

But a terrible one for me, I couldn't want him.

I just couldn't.

Your face saving promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

No, I don't need them

He was so nice to me, like I deserved his kindness. I wanted to push him away, I wanted to get him out of my head, but I was too intrigued by him. He was so bright, so wonderful, it was hard not to want him.

But I had Pence.

I was okay with that, and Sora was too. We were just friends, and he was slowly becoming one of my best friends.

In Biology, he was my partner along with our other friend "The Flash." It was nice to have him there, especially since he was always so nice to me.

It felt like things were finally looking up, and I couldn't help but be a bit happier and looking forward to the change. I needed this, I needed the happiness that I'd been craving.

Halloween was coming up soon, and I caught the excitement. Especially since Roxas was just about breathing Halloween awesomeness. He loved this time of year, and I did too so of course it made things a bit better.

Sora liked Halloween too, so we talked about our upcoming Halloween plans eagerly. I wanted us to get together and do something with Roxas and Pence because I thought it would be fun.

A couple of weeks in October, I began to feel different.

Every touch, every word that came from Sora's mouth was vitally important and I couldn't get rid of that.

Not only that, but he seemed so into me like everything was exactly what he wanted from me. How could he want me?

I wasn't worth it, for sure.

Could he not see how poisonous I was?

I wasn't right for anyone, not for Sora especially. He was just too wonderful.

"Kairi, telephone."

"Hey Sora." I said into the reciever with a smile.

Sometimes, it's hard to stop yourself when you're falling. But eventually someone will come along to catch you.

"Hey, Kairi." His voice came back to me and I smiled.

He was my saving grace.

Sora…

Is it dark enough?

Can you see me?

Do you want me?

Can you reach me?

Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth

Hold your breath

Kiss me now you'll catch my death

O, I mean it